New...Again and The Big Party Weekend!

Well I haven't had time to teach myself HTML in order to fix the funky gap in the blog thing so I have once again changed the template on my blog.  It is simple and user friendly I think.  Does anyone actually look at my site anymore or am I bloglined?  I do love bloglines for its ease of use but I do miss the personalization from visiting the sites themselves.

 

Big plans for the weekend?

Why, Yes! Thanks for asking!

 

T's uncle is getting married on Saturday.  We just learned about it at the beginning of the week.  I think he and his fiance went to the Sturgis bike rally and came back engaged.  Low and behold they called the family and the preacher and said "Show up at our place at 2 on Saturday, wear your jeans and we'll go have dinner after at the Old Country Buffet."  I must say, I can't wait.  I am more psyched about this wedding than the most formal event you've ever heard of.  I really like Uncle D and L is such a sweetheart. It should be a good time and we should still make it back home in time to watch the Bristol race on TV (it is a Saturday night race this week).

 

On Sunday I (at least, not sure if T will come or not) will be attending my nephew's 3rd birthday party.  Again, we just learned about this get-together at the beginning of this week. (Nothing like planning ahead, I tell ya what!) 

 

So, my original plan for this weekend (early morning meeting with FRED, go to the gym, rent a power washer to strip old paint off of foundation of house, watch Bristol race, sleep, go to gym, start repainting foundation of house) will have to be put on hold.

Big Bowl O' Nuts

In a nutshell...

 

• Today is CD38.  I have seen both old and new blood on the tp but nothing in the undies so I can't really count it as true spotting.  I asked my good buddy FRED for his opinion on Tuesday and he was not so much with the positiveness.  T wants me ask FRED again on Saturday to see if he mightn't have changed his mind. 
• The house is still not finished.  Everyday when we get home we find some new thing they did wrong, or something the sales guy didn't tell the workmen to do, or they left nails in the driveway which is the one thing T requested they be SURE not to do.  Every.day.  They have to do all the high peeks today.  They removed our old screen door weeks ago but didn't have the new one to install. WTF? The replacement screen door which has been missing for over two weeks now has been located in a warehouse about an hour away. T asked if they would like to go get it or should he drive his firebird over there, strap it to the roof and bring it back for them.  I was told it would be on my house either today or tomorrow.  I am not holding my breath.  Oh, yeah, and the best part is, they miscalculated when they ordered our siding and didn't get enough, so they have to order more.  This is a special order since we are very strange people (complete freaks, we) who wanted double 5" instead of double 4" siding so it will take over a week to get the new siding in.  They will finish the house and then go to another job, when our siding comes in they will come back to do the garage.  So, for a while, we will have a nice beautiful dusty blue house with white trim and a nasty faded gold garage.  T does not know this part yet, I just learned about it this morning.  If you have never seen someone's head explode before, come on over to my place tonight because I think it will happen about 7:30 or so.  I'll make popcorn and provide festival seating, it might be fun.
• I am gaining weight.  Not so odd after the all out drink/food fest that is NASCAR weekend; but the point is, I am supposed to be going the other way.  I shall return to the gym tonight after work and have started a food journal...again...for like the bazillionth time.  As much as I missed drinking, I am almost looking forward to AF showing up so that I can quit again (and restart the Metformin).  It is probably not good that 3 out of 5 nights I have beer for dinner.  No, not WITH dinner, but FOR dinner.  Yeah, probably not so good.  I shall rededicate myself to fruits, vegetables and green tea!!! Hazzah!
• Our receptionist is wearing a new perfume which smells exactly like pipe tobacco.  While it reminds me of my father in my early childhood (when he still smoked a pipe) I can't say that it is necessarily a GOOD smell.


I've run out of time.  I was going to say "here is my life in a nutshell" but I feel more like all the shells laying on the floor of a steakhouse at the moment.  Could someone sweep me up please?

Off to the Races!

The car is half packed, we will add the cooler, our clothes and my bike at the last minute.  We will leave around 6pm to make the LONG trek (long due to construction) up to Greenville where we will unload our stuff onto the bus and settle in for the trip down to Michigan International Speedway.  Once there, the men will unload the bus while the women set up camp.  (I need to set up our new tent...by myself...in the dark.  Wish me luck.)  We will spend the next four days surrounded by drunk red-necks who spontaneously shout out "Go JUNIOR! Whoo Hoo!" and other similar things.  It is always a good time.  We have friends coming down just on Sunday to watch the race with us.  We however, will stay over Sunday night and come home on Monday when the traffic has cleared out of our way.

 

We are hoping that in that time there will be more siding applied to our house.  The windows have been wrapped and there are a few corner pieces up so we can see the exact color it will be once it is all finished.  It looks good for something that is only 5% finished.

 

We have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off since returning from Seattle so this will be a nice long weekend with no responsibilities beyond Don't-Fall-Off-The-Roof-of-the-Bus.  *Sigh*

Pause Please

OK, I knew this month would be hectic and crazy with lots to do in very little time and would end up spending the rest of the little money we actually have but this is absolutely ridiculous!

I am waiting for AF to show up. Not sure if we will do an IUI this next cycle or not, I guess it will depend on when it would be and whether we can afford it before or after we refinance the house. One of those bridges we will cross when we come to it I think.

The new siding is supposed to start going up today, after it was rescheduled from last Wednesday which was after they pushed it back from last Monday.  Can you see how this is going?  T is about ready to burn down the house and call it a day.

I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to tie up loose ends before we leave for NASCAR on Thursday.  (If you happen to be at Michigan International Speedway this weekend, I will be the drunk blonde woman sitting on top of the bus babbling to myself.  Oh, wait, that describes the whole infield, doesn't it?)  No time to do anything but I have a LONG list of things to do in the next three days.

Has anyone seen the remote to the world?  I'd like push pause for a little while if that is OK.

No Time

• I have no time to read or write. 
• Back from Seattle, it was fun. 
• Now that I am back from "vacation" I am too busy for internet stuff. 
• Siding going up tomorrow, in-laws coming for dinner tonight (just found out yesterday, we are not prepared for company right now).
• Will catch up when I can on my reading and then will catch up on my writing.
• Vanilla Vodka = GOOOOOOOD especially with cherries.

Dog + Construction = Puke

Poor Maggie is not handling the construction well.  She is not eating again.  Drives me crazy.  She almost looks too sad to eat. (I think she is suffering from anorexia brought on by autism, if that is possible. No joke, I am completely serious.)

 

The electrician is supposed to come tomorrow to rewire the outside lights and install a ceiling fan in the livingroom.  I can't wait.  We will also get some more outlets in our bedroom (only one right now) so that will be nice.  No more extension cords run around the floor.

 

We have to clean, shop, pack and repair the broken boards on the house before we leave for Seattle on Thursday morning.  We should be able to get it all done...I hope.

 

The good news is I found my bite splint. I have been needing it lately with all the stress and couldn't find it (TMJ on overdrive!).  It was in the pocket of a bag I haven't used in a while.  I found it cleaning out the dormer so the electrician can get into the attic, which is full of wasps and bees since there was no screen on the roof vent.  *shaking my head*

 

THIS is why we are skipping the IUI this month, which would be this week sometime as well.  (Gold star on Blue's forehead for thinking ahead!)

 

See you all next week!

 

PS - Jen P. I'm thinking of you girl and will check in when I can to see what is happening with your little Kiwi.

 

What day is it again? Oh, that's right, I don't care.

I am not supposed to care since we are taking this cycle off.  I woke up this morning with no concept of where I was in my cycle.  I decided to temp just this once to see whether I was Pre or Post ovulation.  97.3 means I am Pre.  I just so happened to notice that I was feeling a bit crampy today and I just happened to notice that just after lunch I felt a quick sharp pain in my right ovary.  I then thought quite in passing that I should be ovulating sometime this week so I did a nonchalant day count and discovered that today is CD14. Hmm.  You know, not that I care because I have too many other things going on right now.  Ask me if I care in another couple of weeks would ya? You know, because right now I don't care...but I might temp tomorrow just to see.  You know, for curiosity's sake.

---

This past weekend:

We stripped the house. (It is MUCHO ugly at this point, can't wait for that beautiful new siding.)

We drank a LOT.

T is turning in the aluminum for $ this afternoon.

I am getting a massage tonight.

T is going to a concert tonight. (Killswitch Engage anyone?)

I will clean out all of our junk blocking the access door to the attic tonight.

---

This morning I:

Called the siding guy to schedule a meeting on Wednesday.

Called the GYN to schedule my annual exam.

Called the carpet cleaning people.

Made the car payment.

Made the Home Depot payment.

Picked up more FB for Men at GNC.

Made a HUGE to-do list for the next three days.

Oh yeah, and went to work.

 

Sometime before Thursday we will:

Do laundry.

Buy new dress clothes for T since his are all too big now after his weight loss.

Have the electrical work done inside and out.

Re-negotiate the contract with the siding people since we found some ugly things we weren't expecting hiding under the aluminum.

Confirm everything with the house/dog sitter.

Clean the house.

Pack.

Charge the camera.

Set the VCR to tape the NASCAR race on Sunday since we will be flying home during that time.

Pick up the dog poop out back.

Put out the trash.

Take pictures of the house in its ugly stage. (Did I mention how ugly it is?  It looks like a burned out carcass of a house you would find in downtown Detroit.)

Make repairs to the house so it is set to go for the siding people.

Completely freak out because there is NO TIME to do all of this AND work full-time AND you know, eat and sleep...all in the next three days!

 

Things to do this weekend

• Help husband and friend strip awnings and all gold aluminum siding off of house.  (New Dusty Blue Vinyl Siding will be installed by professionals sometime in the next two weeks.)
• Duck and run from bees, wasps and assorted other flying insects that live beneath above mentioned siding.
• Make several trips to Sam's Club to buy more wasp and hornet killer in the 4 pack for $10.
• Go to the gym. (I was complimented on our dedication to the gym by the membership manager yesterday.)
• Go tanning. (I am no longer a splotchy pink and white color, now I am a rich golden splotchy color.)
• Shop with husband for dress clothes to wear at wedding in Seattle next weekend.
• Figure out how to contact bf (the bride, already in Seattle but God only knows where) to get shoe sizes of other girls so I can buy shoes for the three of us.
• Knit my little heart out or I will not get my poncho finished on time to wear it in Seattle next weekend.
• Pay bills.
• FREAK OUT that the wedding in Seattle is NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!
• DRINK MYSELF SILLY AND REMIND MYSELF WE ARE NOT TRYING THIS MONTH SO THAT WE CAN GET ALL THIS SHIT OUT OF THE WAY SO WE CAN RELAX ALREADY! (While ignoring the twinges I keep feeling in the ovarian area.)

Long, slow, deep breath.

The Day at the Beach...That Wasn't.

After the long and somewhat confusing breakfast with the Elephant Clan, T and I headed to the beach at the State Park.  We had a cooler with pop and Gatorade in the car along with a sheet to sit on, two towels and TWO bottles of sun lotion.  It was a HOT day and the water was in the 70's with 4-6 foot waves.  Perfect conditions for a romp in the lake.

We couldn't turn left from Northland Dr. back onto West River due to the fact that the turn-around thing no longer exists, I assume once they are finished with construction over there the turn-around thing will be back.  So we headed up Plainfield to 96, couldn't get onto 131 from there since construction has that closed too.  We kept going up to Alpine, went across the bridge and right back down onto the highway again toward 131.  Perfect...until we hit a stand still.  The brilliant people at MDOT decided that it would be a great idea to merge three lanes of traffic into one lane...ALL AT ONCE!  By 11:30 we were still sitting on the on ramp and I told T that if he wanted to forget the beach today and just head home and watch the races (NASCAR and Formula 1) that I would understand.  Then the low fuel light came on.   

Four years later when we finally made it past the Ann/Turner and we had three lanes available again we took off and merged uneventfully onto 196.  We were off and running again.  No problem.  We stopped for gas and continued on our way.  It seemed that our major delays were over, until we were in (Dutchtown) on the main road to the park.  It appeared that everyone was interested in going 5mph below the speed limit and since the road had two lanes in each direction, this meant that cars could ride side by side...completely blocking our way.  T's blood pressure was going through the roof at this point.  All he wanted was to go jump in the lake, but he couldn't get TO the lake.  The closer we got to the park the more obstacles were in our path, these included stupid people blocking traffic while waiting for a parking spot, little girls on roller blades jutting out into traffic so as not to hit the person on the bicycle that just stopped abruptly in front of them, and the idiot trying to carry three beach chairs while riding his bike, and failing.

At long last we made it to the beach and parked the car.  T got out and reached in the back seat to grab his change of clothes and then stopped.  There was the cooler, there were the towels and sun lotion, his clothes were not there.  We determined that his swim trunks were nicely folded on the chair in the living room back at home.  We looked across the white sand at the huge whitecaps coming in and all the people in both sand and water.  We watched the wind surfer using the hefty breeze to its fullest extent and then we got back into the car and started the long journey home.

We pulled into the driveway just in time for the start of the Formula 1 race (which we had set up to tape in our absence).  T asked if we should just grab our stuff and turn around and head right back to the beach.  I thought for a moment and decided that something was trying prevent us from going to the beach that day.  I thought we could stay home, watch the races and chill out in the basement and try the beach another day. (Thinking that watching the races would make him happy.)

We unpacked the car but I kept everything together hoping that one day this week we could head over to the lakeshore after work.  We settled down in the basement to watch the NASCAR race knowing the F1 race was being taped upstairs.  It was a good race, the Rousch drivers did very well, except Kenseth but I don't care about him because he is not on my fantasy league team.  Most of my guys did well (poor Michael Waltrip, race after race he is in the wrong place at the wrong time) and Kurt Busch won, Mark Martin came in Third.   During one of the many cautions T flipped the TV over to Headline News hoping we could find out whether Lance Armstrong was able to pull off the 7th championship in the Tour de France.  He did not see anything about Lance but unfortunately he did see who won the F1 race he hadn't watched yet. (!!!!!! = @*$^#%!&^)  Let me tell you, nothing gets him angry faster than hearing the winner before he has seen the race.  Ugh!  We should have just gone back to the beach.

After the race was over he went out back to start working on the back yard while I paid some bills.  Once all the dirt was used up (15 bags worth) and half of the grass seed was down he mowed the front lawn.  He hung the new door in the garage and then found out that if it was hung level the door knob did not line up with the catch on the jam. More tinkering ensued. 

Needless to say that yesterday turned out to be one of those days that we should never have gotten out of bed.  This is why we are determined to make today better.  T gets out of work at 3:30, I am leaving at 3:00 which will get us both home around the same time.  We will then grab the items still packed from yesterday and head back to the beach for a late afternoon dip in the big lake. 

Wish us luck!!!!

This better work.

Sou Where Yaying?

My Thule of Rumb…um, I mean my Rule of Thumb is …”No knitting after the second martini”.  This rule came about after several projects went by the wayside (losing countless stitches then attempting to gain them back resulting in a nice big K shape) as I RELAXED with a drink by my side and needles in hand.  My BIL and SIL will attest to this since their “Wedding Afghan” does not fold properly into a rectanlge.  I say, “Who the fuck cares, you know you only fold it when the parents come over anyway”, which has been proven since the afghan has appeared in the majority of the new baby pictures.  *grand sweeping bow*  This has lead to many a conversation which goes like this… “Have you seen the pictures of my new nephew?  Here he is with his eyes open, see that?  I made that afghan.  Yes, thank you.  Here he is sleeping on his mother’s chest.  See, there is the afghan again.  There he is with his father, yup, my afghan again.  It must be their favorite, I made it you know.  Huh? Yes, he is cute isn’t he?”

This explains why I am sitting here (knot nitting) writing this (slowly since I have to correct every other word) instead of knitting my heart out to get my new poncho finished in time to wear at my friend’s rehearsal dinner in Seattle.   The explanation to this is tow-fodl… I mean, two-fold… 

1)      After two beers and 1 and 5/7ths gin martinis with two olives (each) and a little dirt (dirt=olive juice for the uninformed) I am feeling pretty good about life…except that part where everyone else gets a baby but me.

2)    Um… what?

3)    Oh yeah, I am loading audio books from the library (read: FREE) onto my new iPod (20GB with a cull-folor…whoops, full-color screen which can show slide shoes of my pictures as well as play my mooooooosik.)

.

.

.

 

What am I loading? 

 

Audio books!  Duh! Don’t you people listen?  Um, I mean, READ?

 

Well, yeah.

 

Anyway, so I have three books here which I have not read/listened to yet.   They are…in no particular order:

1)      Ya-Yas in Bloom by Rebecca Wells (Prequel I believe to Tiny Alters Everywhere)

2)    The Lake House by James Patterson and

3)    Morality for Beautiful Girls by Alexander McCall Smith (Author of The #1 Ladies Detective Agency which is a MUST READ)

 

Look at me…skunk as a drunk and lill stalking literature.

 

RIGHT!  … SO!

 

Did I have a point?  Probably not.  Stay tuned … in our next episode our heroine is Still NOT PREGNANT.

Now a word from our sponsors, Gin, Vermouth, Pimento Stuffed Green Olives and Glass Chilled in the Freezer!

 

*Hhhhhick*

It is in the water...and I am thirsty

There must be something in the water...

 

I have recently learned about not one, not two but 5 babies that will be born to co-workers in the next 8 months.  What the FUCK is going on around here?

 

Co-worker #1) All THREE of his grown children are expecting babies AT THE SAME TIME!!!!  October, February and March due dates.  You know, grandparents don't share pictures and stories...oh, wait, YES THEY DO!!!!!

 

Co-worker #2) When he announced his wife was expecting a couple years ago I held it together just fine until I got home that night; and then BAWLED FOR HOURS!!!!  They are now expecting #2 in February.

 

Co-worker #3) The one who has been trying his hardest to push back the TTC for YEARS while his wife has pushed to have a baby just announced she is due in February.  My reaction?  I gave the man a thumbs up.

 

So, whatever the Hell is in the water around this place better work and someone better get me a BIG OLE JUG of it right quick because I don't know how much more of this I can take... and come February...I might just have to leave the country.

Talking and Abnormality

We have talked a lot since we started trying to conceive.  Last night we talked about how difficult it might be for us to adopt domestically simply based on T's appearance.  He admits he looks different.  He has been walking the dog and come across people down the block who have crossed the street so as not to walk by him.  In my opinion he looks like a typical Harley-Biker-Dude.  He is not one, doesn't own a bike, but would like one.  The point is, people are intimidated by the way he looks and he believes the first picture a birth-mother would see in our profile would be the end of it. 

I tried to convince him that I happen to be drawn to people who look like him.  In a crowd of people I am drawn to those who look a bit rough around the edges.  Sure, I can appreciate the well-dressed-super-coifed-well-spoken-well-manicured types too.  They just aren't "my type".  He agrees this is my type but that I am also completely abnormal and who in their right mind would give a child to a guy who looks so much like this (only without the tattoos and earrings).  I tried to tell him there are people out there who would want someone like us to raise their child; free from the oppressive prejudiced social mores that come with the rich suburban white-bread sort of couple.  He doesn't believe me.

This lead into the conversation about Roberts and the Supreme Court and overturning Roe and how HORRIBLE this is all going to be and how much we hate W.  He brought up the fact that at the same time they are making it harder and harder to abort an unwanted baby they are not making it any easier for people like us to adopt them.  You would think one door closing would open up the other.  Now, no one expects them to stand on a street corner handing out babies to any infertile walking by.  Of course there must be standards, etc.  I hear more about snowfl*ke babies than I do about the hundreds, if not thousands of kids who are growing up in the foster-care system.  It just breaks my heart.

We talked a lot last night.  We didn't come up with any answers, we just went round and round the problems we see in society and agreed neither one of us understands why the system that we have works against itself.

Then I brought up the fact that he keeps doting on me.  I told him it isn't right for me to sit on the couch and drink a beer while he gets up and cleans during commercials.  I started getting up each commercial break with him to do a little here and a little there and he actually got irritated at my help.  I told him that I could tell he was treating me differently when we thought I might be pregnant from the IUI.  Then we found out I wasn't and he treated me special because I wasn't pregnant.  Now he is treating me special because we are taking a break which means I can once again enjoy a bit of alcohol so he wants to be the designated driver and he wants me to tell him when my glass is empty so he can get me another one.  He is treating me like a queen...and it makes me uncomfortable.  I told him I just want to be normal.  He reminded me that I am NOT "normal" and he has NEVER treated me "normal" because he is always going out of his way to make me feel special.

*Sigh* I just love that man.

You Go Grrl!

The Most Fantastic Stupendous Incredibly Good Vibes Going Out To Grrl, Sarah, Mr. Grrl and Little Gefilte.

My most hearty CONGRATULATIONS to the entire extended family.

How My Husband Handles the Negative

T was pretty upset that this IUI didn't work out.  Mostly because of the timing issue.  Like I said, it was supposed to be a Letrazole, U/S & Post-Coital, HCG, we-do-our-thing, Prometrium and get pregnant kind of cycle.  It turned into a Letrazole, U/S & Post-Coital, HCG, IUI next day, Premetrium, CRAMPS/PERIOD/LOTS OF ALCOHOL kind of cycle. 

T didn't like the timing, he gets two days to save up for an S/A and with the IUI the day after the PCT he thought he did not have time to replenish his resources. I do not think this was an issue since his post-wash count was 93 million or something but he keeps going back to what the nurse said at the PCT, "The motility is good but we would like to see more (meaning higher numbers)". Keep in mind that the PCT was done the day we were both sunburned beyond recognition and he admitted that in the During-Coital time he was not thinking "Whose your Daddy?" but rather "If I come, will you get off of me?" which he believes inhibited his performance, read: quantity. 

T also didn't like the fact that based on the outcome of the post-coital the doctor wanted anti-sperm antibodies tests run on both of us.  They drew my blood that day but T had to wait an entire week to return for his since they only run those tests on Tuesdays and we were there on Tuesday but he had already used up his chance for a sample that day and apparently needed his reserves for the IUI the next day.  T thinks they should have held off on the IUI until the next cycle, AFTER they knew the results of the anti-sperm antibodies tests (both came out just fine BTW).  We could have been completely wasting our time and money depending on how those tests came out. 

I told him that given the information they had at the time the IUI was our best chance to make something out of that cycle.  He grudgingly shrugged and (sort of) agreed with that.  Basically he is just angry that we went through all of this and we have nothing to show for it but my Visa bill.  I tried very hard to sound comforting and supportive of his feelings.  I told him that we are doing the IUIs to bypass the problems we have to let conception happen naturally (sperm and egg doing their thing on their own) which is still not a guarantee.  We still need the sperm to fertilize the egg which we cannot force doing what we are doing.  No matter how much money we spend on drugs or ultrasounds or IUIs we cannot MAKE the egg fertilize and given that happens we cannot MAKE the embryo implant.

I thought this all sounded quite logical and realistic and given my tone of voice very understanding.

His reply?

"I'm going to have to have sex with a hamster aren't I?

.

.

.

I never should have told him about that particular test.

Blow by Blow

Friday - Negative HPT. Bummed and tell T who says it is too early and he doesn't believe it. I agree to wait a week and see what happens though I know in my heart that the HPT was right.

 

Saturday - While shopping we decide to buy a case of Miller Lite for me in the hopes that having it sitting there in the fridge all inviting-like will ensure that I am actually knocked up and will not be able to enjoy them.  T says not to worry, he will gladly enjoy them in front of me even though he prefers a different brand.

 

Sunday - Notice cramp-like warmth in my lower abdomen during lunch.  TP check confirms blood.  I take 800mg Ibuprofen and call it a cycle.  I grabbed the first of what would be many Miller Lites that afternoon/evening.

 

Sunday Night/ Monday Morning - Toss and turn unable to get into a comfortable position because the cramps hurt SO BAD and would not GO AWAY!!!! 

 

Monday - Send out emails to all who knew of the IUI letting them know it did not work and then having to accept all the "I'm sorries" followed by the questions of "why didn't it work?".  Um, yeah, that happens sometimes.  I actually used the analogy, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him fertilize the egg."  I think it worked.  I called the Fertility God's office and left a voicemail for the nurse that #1) this is CD1, #2) the IUI didn't work, #3) we are taking this next cycle off, #4) I would like to be checked for a cyst on/near my right ovary since I've had pain their for the last three months, and #5) I would like to get the results of the anti-sperm antibodies tests that both T and I had done two weeks ago.  Hopefully she'll call back this afternoon.

Just like in the original Star Wars

The big battle scene at the end where the rebels are trying to land the shots down the small shoot on the Death Star and the one sends off his shot and the guy yells "It's a hit!" and then the other guy goes "Negative, negative!  It didn't go in, just impacted on the surface."

Yeah, that's about right.

Reason #957 NOT to tell your family you are infertile.

We have been quite open about our fertility, or rather, lack thereof, with family and friends and T's coworkers.  Today I received this message from SIL married to T's older brother.

 

How are you doing?  (MIL) said you were trying to have a baby, I actually tried talking my bother into adopting out their 8th child they just had last month to you and T.  They have 7 now (1 was already adopted out),  they can't afford these children.  He lives with my parents in the top part of their home.  If you need eggs I have plenty of those lol.  Seriously if there is anything we can do, we are willing to help.

 

Um, ew, and um, um, no and um, ew.  But Thanks Anyway.

I Am So Weak, and It Still Got Me Nowhere.

So like I said, we agreed to wait until this weekend to test.  Then I got up this morning and thought on my way down the stairs that it really wasn't fair of me to keep T in suspense this long. (Thinking only of him you see, I am quite thoughtful that way, no interest in myself whatsoever.)

 

I took the dog out back and pleaded with her to hurry up and go already as I needed to do the same...quickly.  I got her back inside and let her wander off to greet T on the couch while I rushed to the bathroom.  Once seated on the pot I opened the cupboard and pulled out my handy dandy little fertility monitor and pushed the button for the day.  CD29, Low and the M was flashing in the corner meaning AF should be right around the corner.  Great, just what I expected. 

 

I then reached back into the cupboard ready to pull out my last remaining FRED from the 3 pack I bought online.  It wasn't there.  I looked in the box with the test sticks for my monitor, it wasn't there.  I looked in the box with my pantiliners and tampons, it wasn't there.  I looked in the test stick box again, still not there, I looked in the other box again, still not there. Lather.Rinse.Repeat.  ALL THE WHILE HOLDING MY URINE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD!!!!!

 

Where the Hell did it go?  Did I use it last month?  I don't remember.  I thought about the last remaining test from the dollar store, in the box, on the shelf in the closet of the guestroom.  I would have to get up, walk down the hall, pull down the big storage box which acts as our overflow pantry for things that don't fit in the bathroom cupboard then go back to the bathroom and pee in a cup and use the dropper thingy and I had to go SO bad. 

*sigh*

 

I let it go...literally.

 

I guess I can always try again tomorrow after positively making sure there is a test within reach before I go to bed tonight.

We've Got to Keep on Movin'

So I started out dreading the 1000mg of Metformin after all the reading I've done on it.  I was sure I would become one of those women with the HEBs (Highly Explosive Bowels, not my term sorry, I'm borrowing it because it is so perfect).  I took my 500mg tablet with breakfast and dinner and expected to feel sick and be running to the bathroom all the time. I read about time released tablets and wondered if those might be better.  I wondered if 1000mg was enough considering I have seen other women on much higher doses and ...just as with the Clomid...I was not getting ANY side effects. (Yes, you can hate me if you want to.) 

Life went on as usual.  The only thing I did differently was I stopped drinking due to my fear of liver complications.  I miss drinking.  I really do.

Since I have been doing the lower-carb thing I have been in need of a bit of extra fiber in my diet.  This surprised me greatly considering the reputation of the Metformin.  I needed help.  I started taking two fiber pills with my lunch.  Met in the morning, fiber at noon and Met at night.  I was regular as clockwork.  Whoo Hoo!

Then the Fertility God bumped up my Met to 1500mg per day.  I take one in the morning and two at night.  This made me re-think the fiber pills.  After a few days of skipping the fiber pills following my successful morning trip to the ladies room I determined that the new higher dose of Met would be all I needed to keep things moving.

Then I was 1DPIUI and I spent I don't know how long in the ladies room at work trying to split myself in two.  Things were no longer moving.  I pushed, I breathed, I counted to ten.  I was laboring just like I've seen the women on TV push out a baby. (Grab your knees and curl yourself into a C.)  I thought for sure I was pushing out all of the sperm deposited by the IUI the day before.  (That would be my luck.)  I finally accomplished what I needed to do and hurried (hobbled) back to my desk to take the fiber tablets I thought were in my purse.  They were not.  I had taken them out since I hadn't been using them lately.  Damn!

Since then I have once again started taking the two fiber tablets with lunch.  I am still having trouble getting things to go smoothly in that area.  I unfortunately have wondered if this turn in events could be related to the IUI.  Could this be an early pregnancy sign?  (Yeah, at 1DPIUI. *shaking my head*)  Now I must sit back and watch to see if maybe it is related to this time of my cycle.  I usually get constipated the week before AF and then when she starts things take a HUGE turn in the opposite direction.  For now I am drinking tons of water, eating LOADS of fresh fruit and high fiber cereal.

So, here I sit, gingerly, waiting to see what next week will bring. 

It's Thursday?

How the Hell did it get to be Thursday already?  Where the Hell has the time gone?

 

Between work and home I haven't had time to think about blogging.  Oh yeah, I haven't had much time to think about the fact that I am one week through the two week wait either.  I suppose that is a good thing.  I have had no spotting and no cramping however I have had pain in the right ovarian area which I have had for the last two cycles so that doesn't tell me much.

 

People keep asking "How do you FEEL?"  I reply, "Normal".

 

My burn is healing though I itch like crazy.  I think most of the peeling is done.  T is still quite sore and itchy and peely.  His burn was worse than mine.

 

I went shopping with my friend for her wedding dress yesterday.  That was so much fun.  It brought back a lot of memories.  I should probably get my own wedding dress cleaned at some point.  I just put it back into the garment bag and have it hanging in the closet with our coats.  I could donate it to charity and actually make it useful.

 

I ordered a new iPod.  This one comes with a color screen, two lines of personalized engraving on the back and I can put pictures on it.  The model that I used to have has been obsoleted and this new one is the replacement...for the same price.  It is like getting a free upgrade. Whoo Hoo!  Only, we had to buy it out right, no insurance claim since they considered it a home owners policy claim instead of the auto.  Bastards!  Our deductible on the home owners is $250.00 plus you know our premiums would go up so to save ourselves the bullshit we are just going to take it in the ass...just like they wanted. Bastards!!!! 

 

Horrible what has happened in London.  Makes me wonder if it was due to G8 or the Olympics.  *shaking my head* They were bound to get hit eventually for following us crazy Americans in our attempt to take over the globe.

 

OK, I think we are all up to speed.  I hope to write again before...well, next Thursday.

 

 

This is my support system, I LOVE them!

Things T said in reference to IUI:

I'm jealous of the catheter!

Can I just come in a cup, put it in a straw and blow it up in there?

Don't pee!  There won't be anymore little T's in there when you're done!

How do we really know that's my sperm?  This kid better look like me within the first year or we're going to have a problem!

Do we have to have sex? (Because of our sun burns) Can I just come in my hand and throw it at you? (OK, taken out of the context of the conversation this one sounds more gross than funny but trust me, at the time it was hilarious.)

Email from best friend, living in Alaska, regarding IUI:

Blue,

First you are the bravest woman I know.

Second, you are the most amazing woman I know.

Third, I hope that soon, you too will be getting up every three hours to feed/play/make stop crying a small one of your own.

and Fourth -  I can't wait to see you!!!! 

you are amazing and always leave me in awe,

S

IUI #1 or The Cervix is in Sight!

We sat in the waiting room for several minutes. The other couple and the single woman (single as in by herself, as opposed to marital status) were called back and we were there alone. T looked at his watch and said, “11:15 must be a suggestion rather than written in stone.” It was all I could do not to laugh aloud thinking that they must be back there with a woman in the stirrups searching all the rooms for the long speculum.

We were called back and shown into the room. I stripped and got on the table while T looked at the spread on the counter. There were the typical sterile instruments still in their packages, the tube holding what could only be sperm and something he could not identify.
“Are they going to butter you up to get that thing in there?” he asked.
“What?” I said craning my neck to see what in the world he could have been talking about. There was in fact something on the cloth that looked like about a 1/4 tablespoon of stick butter with the white wrapper squashed up all around it.
“I think they are going to grease you up so they can get the catheter in you.”
“I doubt it.”
Hmm.

The nurse came in and had me verify T’s name and date of birth on the tube and said we had a 93 million post wash count. (Whoo Hoo!) Then she set about to getting things arranged and I laid back and put my feet up. T adjusted the sheet on my legs so that he could get a better view. He kept leaning from side to side in the chair looking at my face and then watching what she was doing.

She set in the speculum and then said “Look here T, this is her cervix! This is the part that dilates when the baby comes out.” T just about fell out of his chair. He was NOT interested in seeing my cervix. He said later, “No offense, you look much better on the outside.” I will say he kept me laughing the whole time.

NOTE: Do not attempt a big belly laugh while in the grips of a speculum. This will not only pinch like a motherfucker but you will have the fear of it popping loose and flying across the room.

I felt the catheter go in through the cervix but did not feel it in the uterus at all. I was quite pleased since I was a bit nervous after experiencing the endometrial biopsy a short while ago. This was absolutely NOTHING. The “butter” turned out to be a sponge with plastic wrapped around it so that it would act like a cork rather than a tampon. I was to wear it for 2 hours to make sure everything stayed put. The strings from this thing hung down to my knees!!!

The nurse set a little kitchen timer with a sperm as the dial (so cute) and said when it went off we could go. T came over, held my hand with one hand, and rubbed my belly with the other. He was so sweet. He stood there like that the whole time we were waiting for the little guys to go where they were supposed to go.

Walking out I laughed. If this works it will not be the day we had our first IUI. It will forever be the day that T saw my cervix. We parted ways and each headed back to work.

Last night we had a discussion about the difference between Hope, which can kick your ass, and “Good Feelings”. We decided that no matter what; we had many good feelings about the day. We fell asleep holding hands.

People, this is a far cry from “More of the Same”... and it’s about time.

PCT Leads to IUI

So we flunked the post coital, I got the trigger shot and our first IUI is scheduled for 11:15am tomorrow morning.

.

.

.

Um.

.

.

.

 

*eyes bugging out, head spinning, wondering how all this happened so fast but excited at the same time*

Hot Hot Hot, Tsssssss

I think we packed just about everything into a weekend we possibly could.  Friday, "the hottest day in 2 years", 'round these parts (according to the local weather people) T and his buddies worked all day then headed over to our house to strip and re-roof the garage.  T's idea was to strip part of it on Thursday, part on Friday then spend Saturday and Sunday putting the new roof on.  His boss, being a cowboy, decided it could be done in one day.  Not just a day, but that night after work!  There were four of them, T, his boss, the boss's son and his friend.  It turns out that the friend is working...as a roofer, for his uncle.  He had all the right tools including the special shovel to strip the shingles and the nail gun which we hooked up to T's handy dandy air compressor which I gave him for his birthday last year specifically so that he would have it for this job.  These guys were flyin'!  I ran to Home Depot to get one more roll of felt paper and then set about making dinner.  We grilled chicken, pork steaks and corn and I made a salad.  They spent the rest of the evening thanking ME for the dinner.  I could not believe it but they actually finished the roof!  It took about 7 hours from start to finish including dinner and short breaks for water, etc.  T and I are both in shock at how these guys came over in that heat and worked that hard for us.  It looks fabulous, better than the house now.

Saturday we went to the gym and then set about cleaning up the yard.  There were two layers of shingles, nails and staples all around the perimeter of the garage.  We had to be very careful in picking up the nails and staples to make sure Maggie would not step on them.  That was HOT work bending over, pealing the shingles apart which the sun had stuck back together in the piles, then dragging them over to the dumpster in the driveway.  We took many short breaks and drank lots of water.

Sunday we decided we deserved a bit of rest so we headed off to the beach.  We looked all over for the sun block which T had taken to NASCAR but couldn't find it.  We figured we would buy some down there.  We bought a parking pass which is good for the entire season at any of the state parks and hit the beach.  We brought a cooler with cold water and pop and left our picnic lunch in the car.  We ventured out into the water which was reported to be 62-degrees.  It was COLD!!!!  We waded out to the sand bar and I couldn't feel my feet and my knees were starting to hurt.  T was ready to turn back but he was the one who pushed getting in the lake in the first place so we were going to stay at least a couple minutes.  I turned my back to the lake and just fell back.  Brrrrr!  Of course, since I had done it, now T felt like he had to do it too.  Oh My Gosh was it cold.  Seriously, I joked about entire systems in my body shutting down but I would not have felt them even if this was happening.  We went back up to lay on our towels.  The sand which had felt scorching on the way down to the water now felt soothing.  Ahhhh.

About 12:40pm we decided to go back to the car and eat our lunch.  We had parked right next to the picnic tables in the shade of a tree so we had a nice time in the breeze watching people going by.  On our way home we stopped by The Front Porch for ice cream cones.  I had Heath Candy Crunch and T had Black Cherry. YUM!

We got back to town in time to take the dog out and settle ourselves down to watch the NASCAR race in Sonoma, CA.  We noticed during the race that we were both turning a rather alarming shade of magenta/lobster red.  My friends, we are both sun burned.  Only first degree, no blisters...yet.  I'm sure they would have appeared by now if they were going to.  T's front and back and the backs of his knees are pretty bad and my upper arms, shoulders and across the top of my back, oh yeah, and the fronts and backs of my legs from hip to toe.  My face is fine which I attribute to the fact that my daily moisturizer has SPF15 in it.  Thank goodness for Oil of Olay!

The bad part is today, and the next two days, T has to be in that HOT plant wearing polyester uniforms which do not breathe (thank you fire retardants) and he will be more miserable than normal.  Your question should be answered by now, no, we never stopped for the sun block at the beach.  I guess this is what happens when you go to the beach every 5 years or so.  They are not really bad burns in terms of degree, just in overall surface area. I do have a nice funny white stripe down my left thigh where I must have been in just the right position to shade that particular spot. *shaking my head*  I believe there will be lots of complaining coming from our house in the next few days as we heal and try to continue on with our plans in spite of the burns.

The funniest part was when we were trying to figure out just how in the hell we are going to have sex for our post-coital tomorrow.  Neither one of us wants to be touched anywhere.  I told him to pretend that I was the cup and only necessary at the very end.

Maggie = Good Pet/Bad Guard Dog

A heinous crime was committed this morning!!!!  I can barely bring myself to talk about it.  I shall describe the events leading up to the incident as best I can.

 

In chronological order:

1. Woke up this morning as usual, T turned off the air conditioner on his way downstairs and I turned off the two fans on my way down. (White noise anyone?)
2. T turned on the morning news while I took Maggie out back.
3. On our way up front for our morning sniff of the street I noticed Maggie walking through something on the driveway.
4. I stopped and looked at it and finally made that squinched up "huh?" face.
5. This is when my gaze drifted slowly up the front passenger side door of my car and thought...
6. "Oh, that is what is on the ground, it is my shattered window."
7. I looked in the window below the hanging part that only remained in place due to the window tinting at the top which held all the broken glass together.
8. I saw a large gray object on the seat. 
9. I could not figure out what it was.
10. It looked like an inside-out piece of leather, with the gray felt backing they put on it sometimes.
11. I reached in and touched it with one finger.
12. A rock...the size of two soft balls if they were stuck together side by side.
13. "My iPod!!!!!" my brain screamed. (Heads up Beth)
14. It was gone.
15. I had left it in the charger overnight. (Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!) (Pardon me a moment while I kick my own ass.)
16. I went into the house and called to T that he should go get the camera from work.
17. He had taken it in to share his pictures from NASCAR.
18. Then I wondered about my cell phone.  I had left that in the car last night too. 
19. I could end up like Paris Hilton with my personal phone contacts posted online for all the world to see.
20. I went back outside to check.
21. The car doors were still all locked.
22. The alarm was still set. 
23. Read that again.
24. The alarm was still set.
25. The lights on the front of the garage which were on last night (for security) were not on this morning.
26. The light switch was still turned on.
27. We did not touch anything knowing we would have to call the police.
28. I did find my phone still in the car.
29. They took the earphones for the iPod and the case I used to clip it to my waist at the gym last night.
30. Damn!
31. T went to get the camera.
32. We took lots of pictures.
33. The cop showed up, looked at the damage, made out a report.
34. They will not fingerprint the outside of the car since anyone at anytime could touch it (on the street, in parking lots, etc.)
35. She took the serial number of the iPod so if someone were to try to sell it to a pawn shop we might get it back...odds = slim to none.
36. T checked the light bulbs and they had been unscrewed to the point where they did not make contact anymore.
37. We swept the glass off of the driver's seat and then headed to the quarter car wash to vacuum the rest of the glass out of the interior.
38. It took a lot of quarters and we still did not get it all. 
39. Glass is everywhere!!!!  Did I mention...EVERYWHERE!
40. While at the car wash T was vacuuming and I was moving things out of the way that I did not want vacuumed up, like my cell phone, gas receipts and the VIP parking pass from the Bon Jovi concert I went to in 1998.
41. T noticed two HUGE very DISTINCT hand prints on the car...outside, where the police would not take prints.  We are talking full hand prints, I could read the guy's fortune if I was so inclined.
42. That was when things got ugly.
43. I noticed a guy drive in and pull up next to the dumpster out behind the car wash.  He got out and started dumping BOX after BOX of BOOKS into the dumpster!!!!!!!!!!!
44. He was THROWING AWAY what looked like HUNDREDS of books.
45. Can you believe it?
46. I know, I can't either. It was awful.
47. Besides, it wasn't even his dumpster!
48. But, THE BOOKS!!!!!
49. People, you NEVER throw away a book!
50. I can't believe what this world is coming to.

What day is it again?

• Work is busy.
• T doesn't like that shade of green, I will have to repaint it. (Beth, it is darker than I had pictured in my mind as well.)
• I called and ordered a dumpster today so that we can strip our garage roof this weekend.
• Oh Joy.
• CD7 and last day of Letrozole (Femara).
• Post Coital Test and U/S scheduled for the morning of the 28th.
• Depending on the results of the PCT we will either get busy at the appropriate time or they may change this into an IUI cycle.
• ...
• Oh My.
• Moving faster than I expected.
• Pulling out the credit card and going with the flow.
• Am about to eat a Honey Roasted Peanut PayDay candy bar.
• Head Spinning.
• Remind me to tell you T's story about the strippers at NASCAR.
• It's a hoot!

Before (Hi) and After

No time for a real post. 

Nothing new to say anyway.

I just thought I would show you the before and after of my painting this weekend.

TGIF

T left last night to spend the weekend with his buddies at the Michigan NASCAR race.  He will get back late Sunday night and take Monday off to rest from his "vacation".  These are the only 3 days a year he goes off to do something on his own.  I wish he had more opportunities.  The rest of his time is spent working, at home doing some sort of home improvement project or with me.  He needs time to blow off his concerns about the rest of it and just relax.

 

While he is gone I will continue the Extreme Home Makeover.  This weekend my project is to paint the living room.  I bought the paint last night and worked on getting the stubborn wallpaper glue off of one wall.  I'll finish prepping tonight and might start painting, we'll see how it goes.  To keep me entertained while I work I am hosting my own little film festival this weekend.  It is called Blue's Favorite Movies.  (Catchy title, no?)  I started last night with Raiders of the Lost Arc, the rest of the Indiana Jones series will follow tonight.  Then there is the Star Wars series (except of course for Episode III but I have the rest of them).  I have The Green Mile (Tom Hanks in a Stephen King story, you just can't get any better than that!), the Back to the Future series, Gone With the Wind and Mary Poppins.  We'll see if I have time for any more.  Those should last me though I think.

 

Thank you all for your support.  It has been a rough week but I am feeling better and of course I love being an aunt.  I can't wait to get some more pictures of my nephew (I think they are home from the hospital now) and my niece is SO cute!  She has these HUGE ROUND eyes and just looks around trying to figure out who all these crazy Americans are who are all smiling and saying "Hi" and wanting to hold her.  She's 6 months old but light as a feather.  I think she will be petite like her mother. I went to the airport with the rest of the family to welcome her home.  T knew (from my total breakdown Tuesday night) that this would be hard for me. He had not planned on going to the airport since he was packing for this weekend and running errands.  I was standing there talking to my mom waiting for the plane to come in when I saw T walking toward us.  He was there for me and me alone.  Just when I think I can't possibly love him any more he goes and does something like that.   C, older brother to the new niece, also from Guatemala, was so excited to see his parents again.  He hugged my BIL as if his life would end if he let go.  Poor little guy.  They make a beautiful family of 4. 

 

Yesterday was officially CD1 so I called to schedule our CD13 post-coital and u/s.  Fingers crossed.  T is actually hoping my CM is killing his little swimmers because then we can do an IUI and that might solve our problems.  Fingers crossed again.

 

I do actually have some good news.  We got the results of his last S/A and it came back great.  61.2 mil/ml, 75% motility and she said 8% morphology.  I'm assuming that 8% means there were only 8% wonky and the rest were good?  She said the numbers were just what they were looking for so I will scratch that off my list of concerns.  At least for another couple of months.  This heatwave we have gone through and the fact that T works in a hot plant all day (113F and humid the other day...all day) has me worried about trying to TTC between August and December.  Once again, fingers crossed.

Aunt Blue

Nephew born Monday night.

 

Niece arriving from Guatemala tonight.

 

Cramps and spotting started 5pm yesterday afternoon.

 

Many martinis were consumed last night.

 

Many tears were cried last night.

 

Tonight I will hold myself together and be Aunt Blue.

 

Extreme Makeover: Blog Edition

We are currently doing a major overhaul on our house. We have done the kitchen, the rec room in the basement (now the game room), replaced the flooring on every floor in the house (carpeted the basement, uncovered the gorgeous oak floors on the main floor, replaced the old gross linoleum in the kitchen, hall and bathroom and carpeted the stairway and bedroom upstairs. This summer will find us residing the house (from gold aluminum to a gray/blue vinyl) and putting on a new garage roof. We just finished the guest room which now feels so warm and cozy and like someplace I would want to stay if I were someone's guest.

This weekend will find me painting in the living room (while T is away at the NASCAR race). Two walls and the ceiling will be white, as they are now. The other two walls which until last night were sporting a subtle floral wallpaper, will be painted a rich sage green. Contrasting with white trim and blinds and the wood flooring and window casings I think this room will look absolutely amazing. I can't wait to see it finished.

The whole time I was growing up I loved to rearrange the furniture in my room. This kept up through college dorms and even in our first apartment. I would move our bed, swap the couch and the entertainment center (no small feat that, the entertainment center is a huge bastard made of solid oak), etc.

In our new house, the only room I have been able to rearrange with any ease is my office. Basically with the size of the furniture and the size of the rooms, things are where they need to be and they really can't be anywhere else. This drives me nuts! I feel at home and I love my home but I need a bit of change once in a while. (This is why I will never again have short hair. I couldn't stand going day in and day out dressy or casual with the same damn style.) I need to be spontaneous and change things from time to time just to keep things interesting.

Hence the change in my blog template. Once again, I have moved on from the formerly all blue to a white with blue border and blue writing. I like it, don't you? We'll see how long it lasts. Maybe in another 6 months I'll find something else that catches my fancy and change it again. Until then, I'll be busy changing more stuff in my house.

Yes or No? Uh Huh!

So Friday night T and I were sitting there in the cool basement, him drinking a cold beer and it occurred to me that this would be the perfect time to enjoy an ice cold beer along with him. 

 

But wait Blue, you say, Friday you were CD33 and were waiting until Saturday to test.  How could you enjoy a beer thinking that you might be pregnant?

 

Aha! Test early says I.  I happened to have a FRED upstairs waiting for me.  So, I set about my business.  The results were...ambiguously negative.

 

Huh?

 

The control line showed up right away, very dark pink, unmistakable.  I kinda saw where the test line should have been.  It was incredibly light and stayed light but I wasn't sure if I was actually seeing things or if it was only wishful thinking. 

 

BUT (you knew there would be a but didn't you?), before you get all excited and start screaming "a light line is a line none the less!" let me explain that the light line appeared only at the bottom of the test window.  The top was clear.  I think Frank is now messing with my FREDs. 

 

Damn it Frank!  Knock it off! This is important!

 

I had HALF of an incredibly-light-probably-not-even-there line.

 

I decided to call it a negative and took myself to the store for a wee bit o' alcohol.

 

Saturday lead to a trip to the gym, cleaning the house, a trip to the local theater to enjoy Star Wars (HOLY SHIT WAS THAT GOOD!!!!) and then more alcohol.  We ate a gorgeous dinner of grilled kielbasa, and a basket of grilled potatoes, zucchini, asparagus and mushrooms which we then topped with melted pepper jack cheese.  Can you say MELTS IN THE MOUTH?!?!?!  Who says dieters have to eat bland food.  YUM!

 

Sunday we went to the gym, ate a lovely lunch of grilled pork steak, corn on the cob and fruit salad.  I decided I'd give the top half of that window one more chance and grabbed another FRED.  Not so much as half a light line.  Hope, she is no more.

 

Today is CD36 with nary a twinge or spot to show for my efforts.  I've stopped the progesterone and will expect AF to show her ugly head by next week.  If nothing, then I will call for a Beta to triple check. 

 

Ridiculous! 

Are we there yet? or Blue the Party Pooper

Tick...Tick...Tick... ... Tick ...

My temp was down this morning. AF or AC? We got our air conditioner working last night so we might get a few hours of sleep in this HOT and HUMID weather pattern we are experiencing. This may have been a contributing factor to my lower temp, however for me this was the confirmation I have been waiting for that AF will be here by Saturday.

We were talking about it last night and I told T that I would wait to Saturday to test but...shrug. He said I wasn't very optimistic. I told him that I would rather be surprised and happy than optimistic and heartbroken. He thinks that my attitude could be better.

!!!!!!

I told him it is not like I think that I cannot get pregnant ever. I just am not willing to psych myself up each month for a letdown.

He still doesn't like it. I'm being all DOOMY and GLOOMY. I do not see doom or gloom in my attitude, just not bubbly cheerleader type jumping with lots of YAYs and Whoo Hoos since it is now CD32 and that is not atypical for me.

Trust me people, if I thought I was actually pregnant I would be jumping through hoops of fire upside down while playing "The Chicken Dance" on a harmonica and blowing up balloon animals between notes. I'm just not feelin' it yet, ya know?

On CD1 I get to call the Fertility God's office to schedule my U/S and post-coital. We are waiting to hear back on T's S/A and Saturday morning I will be providing a bit of blood to check prolactin and also to confirm that I do not actually have chlamydia (if I do, T has some splainin' to do). I would LOVE to be pregnant so that all of these things would be a big waste of time and money and we can thank the Fertility God and walk off into the sunset. Um, yeah, nice fantasy but not exactly realistic.

I am not GLOOMY, I am realistic. Is that so bad really? I know T has been seduced by Hope and I am trying to figure out a way to share him with her. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Lifelong DINK? Not so bad...

• Go back to school
• To become a social worker
• To work with adoption
• To work with people facing unplanned pregnancies.
• Travel
• By plane
• By train
• By automobile (including motor home)
• Throughout the US
• And the world.
• I would like to go to Italy
• And Ireland.
• Own dogs
• With special needs
• Who have trouble finding good homes
• Because they are not
• "Easy" enough for most people.
• Knit to my heart's content.
• Design and build our dream house
• With a big yard
• For the dog(s) to run around in.

FREEEEEDOMMMMM !!!!!

We have been batting around our options lately. IUI, IVF, Adoption, Living ChildFree. We think IUI will be our best bet at this point. Neither of us is sure about the gamble of IVF but I agreed that if T has his heart set on it that I would give it two chances, absolutely no more. We are both in favor of adoption but I think I am more pro-adoption than he is. He still looks at it as raising someone else's kid and not having "our own". This grates on my nerves to hear since that is precisely the language adoptive families avoid but I know he is still new to the whole thing so I will give him a free pass… for now.

We also decided that we could be happy living without children. We have things we would like to do in life that we could do with or without kids (buy a motor home and travel around to different NASCAR races, etc.). Our one big goal is to not look back with regret about any of the decisions that we are making along the way. I think we are in a good place. I think all of the grieving I have done over the years was over the opportunity to have children, not the children themselves. I have always hated being told I could not do something so that I would do that thing just out of spite. This is not a good reason to have children.

So, this next year will basically set the tone for the rest of our lives. We dropped off a sample for T's third S/A this morning. This time at the RE's lab (it seems so strange to finally be able to say I have an RE), not the pathology lab at the hospital. We are hoping for more accurate results this time since the counter will be a specialist and not just the person who was (un)lucky enough to be working at the time we dropped off our other two samples.

I am to call on CD1 to schedule a U/S for CD13 or 14 and will ask about scheduling my post-coital around that time. Oh Joy. Today is CD31 without even the slightest hint of a tint on the TP. I have been getting sharp pains in the area of my right ovary for about a week now. They come and go. T is hoping that it means I am pregnant. I am thinking more along the lines of a cyst. Keeping fingers crossed its not an ectopic. I will not test until Saturday but I honestly expect AF to show up any minute now.

One of the hardest parts of all this is that T has all kinds of hope and optimism and I do not. I am not depressed; I am actually quite at peace with everything that is going on. I am doing everything I am supposed to do and I am not obsessing over every twinge and change in my chart. I am just along for the ride. I feel detached from the whole thing and at this point I do not think that is necessarily a bad thing. I have seen so many women become so fragile and closed off to everything around them except what is or is not going on in their own uterus that I feel lucky not to be in that place.

I think once we decide that we have gone as far as we are going to go with treatments that I will be able to shrug and think "if it happens it happens and if it does not, then it does not". What will be will be. Of course, I suppose that is easier said than done since I am not actually facing that situation right now, but I think it has taken the pressure off the treatments to know that if they do not work, I will still be OK. We may adopt, we may not, and that is OK too. I do not feel like I HAVE to do anything anymore, I can do what I WANT to do.

There is freedom in that.

"So Does My Penis!"

First and foremost my apologies for not writing more last week. THANK YOU to Threebees for inquiring about my whereabouts. I've been swamped with no time to post and only a little time to read any blogs. I will spend some time catching up in the next day or two. I composed many a post in my head but, of course, you all cannot read those so I must take the time to type them out.

To catch up:

Friday afternoon was our first trip to the Fertility God’s office. We were impressed. It is a beautiful building with a comfortable and, at the time, empty waiting room. We did not wait very long before we were called back. A good sign or just an odd time for an appointment? I do not know.

We met with Fertility God #1 or as I think of him The Man! He took a detailed history, looked through my chart at my thyroid history and the notes from my laparoscopies. He looked at the results of T’s tests and said he wants to repeat the analysis at their lab since he trusts his people more than whoever happens to be on duty at the hospital when we drop off a sample at any given time.

We are changing from Clomid to Letrozol (Femara) and from Prochieve (progesterone gel) to Prometrium (oh, joy). I will go in on CD 13 or 14 of my next cycle for a U/S and will take them my filled Rx for Ovridel (a first for me). Oh, and he upped my Metformin from 1000mg per day to 1500mg.

We are not playing around anymore folks. We have been practicing at the College Level for the last 8 cycles. We have just been picked up by the Minors (Triple A) and will hang out here for about 3 cycles before moving onto the Major Leagues.

He said if the Letrozol did not do it in three cycles we would probably move on to IUI. He showed us a diagram of an IUI. I have explained the process to T before but I do not think he really “got it” until he saw that diagram. He seems to be on board with it.

T says he has a good feeling about this. His good (and bad) feelings usually work out. As optimistic as he is right now, I wish I could say that I feel it too. I do not. I have already looked through my calendar to confirm we will be starting IUIs in September. Until then it will be… wait… are you ready for it? Here it comes… more of the same... only this time, with different drugs, more monitoring and a trigger. That is enough of a change in my book to keep me satisfied for now.

In other news, I will be changing pharmacies this week. I am moving from Walgreen’s to CVS. Why you ask? Because CVS has confirmed that their pharmacists will dispense birth control to their patients without delay no matter when or where they try to fill their prescriptions. Walgreen’s is backing their pharmacists who feel that dispensing birth control (both “normal” and emergency contraceptives) is akin to abortion and so refuse to fill a doctor’s Rx on moral grounds. Ridiculous. It will be a bit of a pain to move my prescriptions over but it is worth it. I will be writing letters to both pharmacies explaining the reasoning behind the switch. It is not enough to have an opinion on these matters, we must take action, and be loud about it!!! *Imagine fist slamming on pulpit*

Ahem, not to leave this post on an angry note:

We discussed all this over the weekend while painting in the guestroom. We had a thunderstorm and the dog freaked out and hid under the bed, wanting to be close to us but in a safe place too. T laughed at her and I said, “Well, dogs like to be in small dark places.” To which he replied…(see title). He does keep me laughing.