Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candle

So it is my official one-year blogoversary.

YAY! Except. I do not feel YAY about it. I am glad that I blog. I love to write my posts and I love to read other blogs. I am not sure how I feel about knowing that I have been doing this for a year though. On the one hand, time has FLOWN by. I cannot believe it has been 12 whole months already. On the other hand, I cannot really remember what life was like before I started blogging. I do not write in my paper journal any less (never have done it frequently anyway) and I still visit the same few message boards that I did last year. I guess I am in a same-ole-same-ole sort of place. (SSDD – Same Shit Different Day) I would like to shout out “You’ve come a long way baby!” but I am not anywhere closer to having a baby now than I was a year ago. Sure, I have a date with the Fertility God next week. My first ever trip to the RE. I am like a virgin but I am sorry to say that I will NOT be touched for the very first time. Heh heh. However, we will not be jumping right into high tech treatments this summer due to financial loose ends, which need to be tied up first. Maybe by fall. So, really, it is just more of the same. (Are you tired of hearing me say that yet? More of the same? I am starting to think I say that a lot.)

In reflection, I look back at the blogs I first started reading last year. One brought home an adorable little boy born much too early which scared the bejesus out of his parents and the entire IF blogging community. And (yes, I know I am not supposed to start a sentence with the word and but it works here OK?) one is waiting with held breath as her surrogate gets closer and closer to the not bad thing. I read many many more blogs than these but these are the two that got me going in the first place. I did not know one could actually LAUGH about this gut wrenching period in life. That is something I have learned from blogging. I am grateful for that lesson learned. I hold it close to my heart.

I am stronger than I was a year ago. I know that every step I take now leads me closer to becoming a mother. A year ago I was still waiting for T to really get on board, he just did not feel ready yet. Every month that passed without even trying broke my heart because I could feel my biological children slipping farther and farther away from me. I want to adopt, have always felt that would be the way for me to build my family but to lose an opportunity before I even had the chance to address it was breaking me from the inside out. Now that we are in the thick of things and heading in a steady forward progression I feel at peace. I am getting closer day by day, and whether it happens biologically or through adoption does not matter to me. Eventually I will get there, and I plan on taking all of you along for the ride.

Is this getting mushy? Sorry.

So I am not in a “YAY” place, but I am in a “Thanks for being here with me” place.