Reflections and Resolutions

It is New Years. Well, almost.  So, I thought I would reflect on the past year and look ahead to the new one.

 

Let's see.  2005 included Metformin, Clomid, lots of time in the gym and much much much stress over money and my marriage.  My marriage because I became completely obsessed with baby making to the exclusion of all other things and money because our personal finances happened to be one of those things I excluded.  Hence, more stress on the marriage.  Luckily round about April my husband gave me a gentle and loving back hand and I pulled my head out of my own ass and rejoined the rest of the world...sort of.

 

June brought about our first cycle with the Fertility God.  I thought he was right on target with the Letrozole (Femara) and loved actually getting a u/s to check for follies as this had not been done by my GYN while on the Clomid.  We of course failed miserably at the post coital.  It really wasn't good for either of us considering we were both burnt to a crisp after an afternoon at the beach which lead T to believe we weren't really that bad off, it was our lack of enthusiasm that did us in. *eyes rolling*  The failed post coital lead us to our first IUI, which just about drove me into the looney bin.  I was shocked, amazed and astounded at how fast things had changed.  We went in for a u/s expecting to be told to go home and enjoy each other for the next couple days and we would see what came of it.  Instead, we were told to return the next day with the sample and 'round about lunch-time we would do an insemination.  Huh?  My head still spins when I think of it.  I was ready to move on to IUI, just not mid-cycle.  It really through me for a loop.

 

Then there was the siding on the house and the trip to Seattle for my friend's wedding.  In the end I can say the wedding was beautiful, we love the new siding and it was marvelous to take that cycle off.  At the time...there are not enough synonyms of the word stress to describe what the summer (and well into fall) was like for us.  Just not enough.

 

At the end of August we started our next cycle.  Again with the Letrozole/IUI.  Fingers crossed it would work this time.  I took the day of the insemination off hoping the relaxation would give me a bit of an edge rather than rushing to get it done on my lunch hour.  That afternoon T and I went to the beach and played and splashed in the biggest waves we had seen all summer.  We had a blast.  It was really fun. 

 

The two week wait went by really quickly.  I was busy at work and thinking of failure anyway so what was the point in obsessing over the horrendous constipation that had consumed my body (thank you Prometrium my evil evil friend)?  I tested rather perfuctorily on the 15th day post IUI just to get it out of the way, and ...so that I could drink heavily with a clear conscience at the System of a Down concert we would attend that evening.  Low and behold, there were two lines.  My initial reaction was, "What the Hell is that?"  Followed quickly by, "How the Hell did that happen?"

 

The betas came back favorably, the 6 week and 8 week ultrasounds showed blobs growing on target with an itty bitty flashing heartbeat.  Next thing I know I am booted back to the OB/GYN and am scheduling monthy exams with her and not so monthy visits to the endocrinologist to keep my wacky thyroid in check.

 

Head still spinning. Still shocked, amazed, astounded and disbelieving.

 

I now find myself 17 weeks plus 3 days pregnant and looking forward to the end of January.  You see, not only will that bring my birthday which I so dreaded last year (I didn't care so much about turning 30 as I did about having a baby when I was 30. That didn't work out so well.) but we shall also have our big ultrasound in which the blob will look like an actual baby with bones and legs and fingers and a nose and hopefully we will find out what "the kid" will actually be. Light Blue is referred to as "the kid" everywhere else in my life.  My father thinks this is fabulous and insists we should go with Billy or Billie for whichever gender we end up with.

 

Boy or Girl.  So many things hinge on this one 50/50 chance.  First of all, my mother can stop calling it "Whoozit".  Secondly, T and I can start discussing names.  Thirdly, I can finish picking things out for my registry without having everything be yellow and green.  I am not against these colors per se, they just aren't my style.  Also, I found a LOVELY book of knitting patterns called "Daddy's Little Girl" and I would LOVE to be able to make something up and surprise T with it for Father's Day but of course, if we have a boy that might be a bit inappropriate, don't ya think?

 

Moving on...my resolution last year was to get healthy.  I lost about 40 pounds and have had more compliments on my looks this year than I ever have before.  I feel great and I am happier with life in general.  Contented with the way I am now.  My resolution in 2006 is this...I will be a good mother.

 

This scares me a bit because I have no idea what the Hell I am doing when it comes to mothering.  I plan on playing it by ear and not making any preconceived ideas/notions/fantasies or expectations.  One of my favorite sayings is, "If you expect nothing, you will never be disappointed".  This sounds very harsh and cynical but it is OH SO TRUE and can be used for good as well as evil.  I choose to use it for good.  Prepare for everything, expect nothing. 

 

Happy New Year to all of you.  I hope that 2006 brings you everything you have hoped and dreamed for.  I shall raise my glass of sparkling grape juice at midnight and think of all the infertiles, and wish this next year brings manifestation of all of your dreams.