The Moment

My entire life has been spent dwelling on the past and dreaming (sometimes in nightmares) about the future.  I spent years in therapy which didn't help and then a few short months in therapy that did help.  I spent my teen years waiting to graduate and go to college.  I spent my college years waiting to graduate and move in with T.  I spent my time living with T waiting to get married.  Then I spent four years waiting to TTC and you know the rest from there. 

I have spent my life trying to get over losing my brother at a young age and my parent's divorce.  I was never happy with what I had. I always mourned what I had lost and wanted something more. 

A couple years ago around Christmas I became really interested in Buddhism.  I studied it in college along with the other religions that were part of my Comparative Religions major. (It was supposed to be my minor but I realized I only needed like two more classes for a second major so why the Hell not, right?)  I was searching for something to fill a void in me.  I needed something to hold me up in the face of Infertility. (Being an atheist this was sort of difficult.)  I decided that Buddhism wouldn't work since the whole point is to let go of your desires and what Infertile can drag herself off to the RE for a post-coital and say she has honestly shed her desires?  Yeah, it didn't really fit. 

Anyway, my point is this.  Even though it is hard and I am tired and I am stressed and I get overwhelmed now and again, I think I finally have what I have been waiting for.  I have a beautiful home (small starter house with a wife-beating-drug-addict living across the street, but I love it anyway), I have a husband who is my best friend, I have a beautiful daughter who is beating all the odds this world is setting against her and a dog who loves to snuggle on the couch.  (Ok, to be honest I still have Endometriosis and wonky works (CD 42 and counting) but I think that would happen regardless.)

My point is, I am happy.  Busy and tired and happy.  Which I think is why I have not been writing.  I have mentioned before that I write when I am depressed.  I haven't been depressed since Azure came home.  I have been exhausted and I have had times when I needed a break, but I have not been depressed.

I think I will take a break for a while from the writing.  I don't need it the way I did when I started blogging.  It was always more for me than for the readers anyway.  I also know that those readers changed when I got pregnant and changed again DRASTICALLY when Azure came so early.  I have needed those readers.  You Dear Wonderful People In The Computer!  I needed the support so very much.  But this is where I say, "It's not you, it's me" and "I still want to be friends!" 

There is enough guilt wrapped up in motherhood for simple things like not clipping those fingernails before she sliced her nose open in the middle of the night, or not realizing until too late that she had pooped her pants and it had leaked out the side all over her blanket and the bouncy and by the time you realize it the mess had started to dry and solidify and she was almost stuck to the damn chair. (See?)  I do not need to feel guilty in my life for not blogging (both reading and writing) right now. (Please note this is self-inflicted guilt not put on me by anyone else.) Things may change, possibly relatively soon (a month? six months?), but for now, what I need is a little space...in the real world.

We are doing great.  If we weren't I wouldn't be writing this right now. Thank you all for your unbelievable support and encouragement.

For the time being, I am living in the moment.