Deep Thoughts by Blue Trunks

Lately I find myself contemplating things. I have not made any firm decisions but I do seem to be leaning in particular directions. This is a new thing for me. I usually rush to make a decision and then either stick by it or change my mind later based on new information or greater perspectives.

• I have been offered the chance to work a flex-time schedule. I would work 4 days a week, 10 hours per day and have one day off during the week to spend with Azure. The immediate emotional response to this offer was, "Yes! Of course, yes!" but there is a lot more to consider. The nanny who relies on working for us two days each week for her livelihood. The fact that the nanny and my parents would need to start watching Azure an hour earlier each day they have her. The fact that those things that I do in the morning would now have to be done the night before because there just wouldn't be time otherwise (and no, I will not get up an hour earlier than I do now. 5:30am is early enough, thanx.) Will my tight stressful schedule actually relax with one day during the week to schedule doctor appointments, run errands, clean, shop, read(?), go to the gym (?), actually take time for myself (?)? In the end it might work out for the best but it all seems so overwhelming to me right now. There are many factors to consider and I want to make sure I don't skip over anything in my rush towards the four-day work week.
• Azure is turning one year old on Saturday. We have been in a rush to finish working on the basement so that it will be finished for the parties. Yes, that was plural. My husband has decided that we cannot fit everyone in our house for one celebration so we are now locked into four separate parties. Two at our house, one at my parent's house and one at a restaurant. I figured we would keep it simple and buy all the food heat n' serve style but we both missed some time off of work last week and had some car repairs and a vet bill we were not expecting so the money is a bit tighter than we thought it would be when we (I) first started planning things. These might turn out to be very casual affairs.
• Poor Maggie-Dog ended up spending the night at the vet last week. She was chasing her tail and licking herself more than usual. It was obviously bothering her. Turns out she had an infection in one of her anal glands. They had to sedate her to empty it and she is now on antibiotics. She doesn't need the pain pills anymore but she is drinking like crazy and eats snow the second she steps outside. T was shoveling the driveway last night and I said we should just let Maggie eat it clear. Win-Win! EXCEPT...she also has to PEE all the time now that she is so thirsty. How is it that I am blessed with a baby who sleeps through the night with only rare exceptions and I end up taking my dog out in the freezing cold at 3am so she can pee and eat more snow? Something just isn't right there. Oh, and T slept through it all, didn't know I had even been out of bed much less got dressed up in coat and boots and took the dog out! Brrrrrr!
• We have scheduled the reconstructive surgery for Azure's scar. She has a scar on her upper arm from a lead the first week in the NICU when her skin was so sensitive (transparent). We have the approval from all of her doctors including the cardiologist. They suggest it is better to do it now before she is so active she could rip out the stitches. Ummm. Yeah. She is SO mobile! She is crawling and pulling up to standing and letting go and falling down. She has NEVER not been active. We'll see how that goes. Anyway, I am now in that state of questioning whether I made the right decision regarding the surgery. While I am 95% convinced it is the right thing to do and better sooner than later I just heard about a friend's husband's surgery that went horribly wrong and he is now in BIG trouble in the ICU. Very scary stuff. His was a different type of surgery but you know how these things transform in one's mind to all be the same thing and scary and lead to freaking right.the.Hell.out.
• Valentine's Day has me thinking that T and I have been so busy with the everyday-ness of our lives that we seem to have lost our romantic closeness. I do not mean sex, though that happens less these days too. I mean we bought a big sectional couch a year ago (while I was still pregnant) with the thought that we could snuggle together on it rather than have one person on the couch and the other person sitting in the chair across the room. So where do we find ourselves sitting? In the diagonal opposite corners of the new couch! Actually farther away than we were before! I want to do something about this. I have found myself working at my marriage which I have never had to do before. Then again we will be celebrating our 7th anniversary this fall. I do not believe in the seven year itch, especially since we have been a couple for almost 20 years. I just miss him and our time together.
• All of these things have me contemplating the second child issue again. (I know, you are thinking, "Blue! Enough with the 2nd kid debate! Make up your mind and be done with it!") The thing is, my entire life and then as a joint decision with T my life plan was to have two children. Now I am not so sure. This is new territory for me so I need to think about it carefully. As much as I like the idea of giving Azure a sibling, (And to be perfectly honest, I want her to have a sister. Nothing against boys per se, but I would just LOVE to see two little girls playing together.) I am just not sure I want to add the additional work and chaos to my life. At least not right now. (Again, you are thinking, "Blue! No one is holding a gun to your head. You do not have to make this decision right away!") Which of course is true. However, I have decided that my progesterone-only birth control pills are not working for me and so I need to come up with another option. My favorite choice being a copper IUD but that is an expensive and long-term option if I decide to change my mind in a couple of years. *sigh*
• Finally, I feel so badly for A-N Smith's daughter. She lost her brother, her mother and is now going to be dragged through several court battles to determine who will get to raise her and where and with or without the money. She will be plagued by the events of the past year her entire life and she didn't even get to know the people involved. She will be told by others about her family which will of course color her view of them. It is just a shame. Poor girl who never asked for any of this and doesn't deserve it.

Do you see why I am having trouble sleeping at night? All of these things swimming around in my head and I just cannot stop them. I need to hire a personal assistant to think for me so I no longer have to do it.