We Made Some Serious Lemonaid

Christmas Eve we always get together with my father's side of the family for dinner, singing and presents. Everyone was excited to see Azure for her First Christmas of course. We arrived with zero ornaments which proclaimed "Baby's First Christmas" and left with four or five of them. She made out like a bandit! The most memorable time that night however was when she met my Cousin M for the first time. He has been away at grad school and this was the first family function that both he and she have attended together since she came home from the hospital. My aunt who saw her for a split second in the hospital when she was about 3 weeks old leaned over to M and said, "Now remember, the first time I saw her, her head was the size of a lemon!"
It shocked me. I look at my daughter who is now over 13 pounds and I have trouble reconciling the idea that she is the same teeny tiny baby that was in the hospital for a quarter of this year. How is that possible? She is so big and healthy and happy. How can this be the same kid who was hanging onto life by the thinnest threads of hope? This girl, who was giving out belly laughs as I alternated tickling her toes and her belly yesterday was at one point muted by tubes and too sensitive to be touched.
My Cousin A made a digital photo montage using pictures of Azure set to music for a school project. At the end it said "Elephant Family Miracle". She said it made her teacher cry and she received an A.
I think I have reached a point where I do not like looking back at where we were. We are moving on, focusing on her new developments and skills, like blowing spit bubbles with a mouth full of carrots! Life handed us a pretty big lemon at the beginning of the year, it was sour too, but we squeezed the shit out of it and I think that Azure is now the sweetest lemonaid ever to have touched my puckered lips.

Be Careful What You Wish For...

I asked for it. I did. Remind me why again, exactly. Oh right, because I felt like crap and had nothing to show for it. Now, I have plenty to show, a bit too much perhaps.

I took the progesterone last week. Today is CD3. It is also day three on the progesterone-only "mini-pill". So far the cramps have been only teasers, nothing much to speak of, not even requiring painkillers. The bleeding and clots however have gotten a bit out of hand. You know the feeling when you are snuggled into your covers and the morning alarm has not yet gone off and you turn over only to be horrified by the feeling that should you pull back that downy flannel comforter you would find something only fit for CSI: Ute Division or possibly Nightmare on Menstrual Street? Well, yeah. That has been my start to the day the past TWO mornings. I am running to the ladies room hourly to keep things under control. Happy Holidays!

Of course I have been slightly distracted by the new pimples that are erupting around my nose every hour or so. Rudolph ain’t got nothin’ on me yo! We are not talking tiny whiteheads but the big red puffy painful suckers.

The worst part is the appetite. I have been participating in a weight loss competition at work. So far, I have done very well. Until yesterday when I ate not one, not two, not even three but FOUR pieces of pizza for lunch. All together now, H-O-R-M-O-N-A-L. This morning I had a Cinnamon Crunch bagel with hazelnut cream cheese for breakfast. Mmmmmm. We have a weigh in tomorrow. I may just be voted off the Red Team this week. *sigh*

All kidding aside, I think this is good for me. All the blood, all the huge, enormous, voluminous amounts of blood have been bright red. Not a single brown spot in sight. If I can do this every month (hopefully on a slightly lesser scale), I might actually function like a normal human! Wow!

T has been great. He even went out and bought my favorite citrus flavored vodka. I enjoyed a couple glasses on the rocks last night while holding up the Christmas tree so he could secure it into the stand. It actually looks pretty straight considering. We shall attempt to decorate it tonight. I cannot wait to see Azure’s face when she sees those lights start blinking!

I still have a ton of shopping to do and must prepare the house for the first of three family parties which we are hosting Saturday afternoon. (That is, we are hosting the first party on Saturday the next two are at other people’s houses Sunday night and Monday night.) There are also family birthdays to be celebrated and my girlfriend’s 10-year wedding anniversary coming up. (How can she have been married for ten years when we have just gotten out of college? Yes we have! It has only been, um, *gulp*, nine years, but it feels like only yesterday! No really, I am not getting old, I swear!)

I think I need some more vodka.

The One That Got Away

A long time ago I wrote about how T and I were sponsoring a child in an orphanage in the Ukraine. I originally signed us up to do it back before we even started TTC on our own. I wanted to get our names in at the adoption agency through which my niece was adopted from China and a nephew (different sibling) was adopted from Guatemala. I figured if they were used to our involvement through their international programs when it came time for us to adopt we would be a shoe in. Not to mention that we obviously have an adoption friendly family. (I have since decided that should we adopt we would go through a different agency, but we kept up the sponsorship through the original agency.)

We received the first update on our boy O on his fourth birthday back in 2001. He was SO cute with white blond hair and big blue eyes and a great smile. His mother was a drug abuser and unable to take care of him but she visited him in the orphanage. He was diagnosed with "moronity" and showed several delays. I keep the most recent update with picture up on our fridge so that we, and everyone else, can see it. Through the years we have received updates and new pictures and have watched O grow and learn. His delays are becoming less and less of a problem as he is participating in play therapy and working with teachers. He was progressing very well. Last Christmas we received a card from him and a picture of the new playground at the orphanage. It was beautiful, it too went up on the fridge.

In the back of my mind, I kept thinking that someday, eventually, we might be able to adopt him. Every update ended with the same line. They were working on beginning the process to deny his mother’s parental rights, which would allow him to be placed for adoption. Every single update for the last five years has said the same thing. They were working on beginning the process.

This fall I was excited to see the large envelope from the adoption agency, knowing it would be another update on O. Instead, I found a letter explaining that O had reached an appropriate age to be transferred to a boarding school and was no longer under the supervision of the adoption agency. We would no longer be able to get information about him. While this was good news for him, he had advanced enough to go to school, I felt like he had been taken from us. Our boy was gone and we could not do anything about it. So sorry, here is a new boy for you to sponsor. While the new boy, V is adorable and certainly deserving. (He lives with his father and grandparents, not in an institution.) He is not O. We have lost him forever.

Wherever O is, whatever he may be doing, whoever is loving him now, I wish him the best.

Hold On, Let's Back Up a Minute

I touched on a couple things in my last post but didn't develop them properly.  I wrote it in a rush and posted it without doing a thorough proof reading.  Let me see if I can elaborate a bit.

 

#1) My neck/shoulder/wrist.  It is easy enough to look at my job, sitting in a chair typing all day, lots of numbers so the right hand gets used more than the left, and say that my posture and repeated use can cause this type of muscle fatigue and aches.  I have been doing the same thing for the past nine years.  I have a very difficult time believing that all of a sudden last Friday things started to hurt this way.  I have always had tight muscles in my neck and shoulders.  I stretch them when I feel them tightening up and before Azure was born I was getting regular massages to help relax them a bit.  I no longer have the time or money to get those massages, and my massage therapist just had a baby of her own a couple weeks ago. (She has also endo and has been a great support and friend for the past few years.)  T thinks that I hurt myself lifting Azure's car seat out of the base.  I suppose this is possible, but it is not like I felt a twinge at the time of injury or anything.  I may be sleeping on it funny, but why all of a sudden?  Maybe it is Azure getting heavier but wouldn't my muscles gain in strength as she gains weight?  It is not like she was 5 pounds yesterday and 12 pounds today, that happened slowly over the past six months.  For now I am using stretches, a heated neck wrap and the occasional pain reliever to try to ease it a bit.

 

#2) The Rx of progesterone to jump-start my period should only be taken if I am certain I am not pregnant.  I had to take not one but two tests to prove my low hcg in order to get the Rx in the first place.  My thought was that I would take it ASAP but then my life went and got in the way again.  Normally, T and I take a bit of a vacation Thanksgiving weekend.  We go up north and enjoy ourselves gambling, bowling, playing pool, eating food we brought from home to keep the cost down and romping in the hotel swimming pool.  Of course there is always the added bonus of Vacation Sex.  Who doesn't like Vacation Sex, right?  Well, this year we stayed home.  To be honest, we didn't have the money at the time and bringing Azure with us this year would mean no gambling, and probably no bowling or pool playing.  Our trade off is spending the night in the hotel this Saturday for T's company Christmas party.  We get the pool, a good time with good food and, hopefully, the Vacation Sex.  If I had taken the progesterone when I got it on Monday I would bet cold hard cash that AF would be in full force just in time to ruin this weekend for us (what with the bleeding and cramping and snarking).  I couldn't do that to T.  I decided to put my marriage ahead of my uterus for a few days.  But, it isn't just a few days, is it?  If we enjoy ourselves this weekend I have to wait another two weeks (during which we will need to either abstain or use a reliable form of birth control), test again and then take the progesterone.  Don't get me wrong.  The irony of needing to take a medication so that I have a cycle at all but not being able to take the medication until I prove my body is still defective is just laughable. HA!  And yet, here we are.  I suppose a few more weeks doesn't matter.  Maybe I'll take the progesterone on Christmas, just in time to fuck up New Years! HoHoHo. 

 

Ok, I think I did a better job of explaining myself this time. 

 

One more thing to add.  T and I have basically agreed that we would like to adopt another child preferably within the next 4-5 years.  What is standing in our way is money.  We don't have any.  So, our plan of action at this point is to straighten out our financial fiasco and then we will investigate our options from that fresh point of view.  I can deal with this.  This gives me something to work on, even if it isn't directly related to bringing another child into our family it is a step in that direction.  I can feel good about paying bills and pinching pennies because in the end Azure will have a sibling. *sigh of relief*

Ramdom Stuff

I find myself in that weird position of a previously infertile person wanting to send out Christmas cards which include a current (and extremely adorable) picture of my daughter. I know this can be an extremely emotional time of year and having one’s face rubbed into other people’s success makes it that much harder. I know of one couple in particular who will receive a different card from us, sans picture. Now that I write it out this way I guess there is no real question involved. It is just something I have been thinking about a lot today. I guess I still do not feel completely comfortable with the idea, and yet, last night I took the pictures and today I designed the cards. All I have to do is print them, address them and send them out. That all may or may not happen in the next three weeks. With all of my "freetime" lately, we’ll see how it goes. They may end up as Happy Valentine’s Day cards.

My neck, right shoulder and right wrist have been quite painful this week. The wrist I can pass off as typing too much at work. While this makes most people nod their heads in acceptance, I do not believe it myself. The shoulder hurts while I am sitting at my desk, driving my car and holding my increasingly heavy little girl. How is it that my arms were empty for so long and now I am in pain holding that which I coveted? Just doesn’t seem right.

Another strange thing. So I have the Rx for the progesterone to start my period so that I can start the bcps. However, this Saturday is T’s company Christmas party. They always have a dinner at a hotel with a bar and encourage people to wine, dine, do a couple rounds of taquila shots, a little more wine, etc. and then spend the night in the hotel. It is a really fun time if you do it right. We are taking Azure and spending the night. Don’t get all up in my grill just yet. There is more to the story. We have hired a dog sitter to take care of Maggie whilst we are away. The nanny and her sister will be watching Azure for us in our room while we take part in the festivities. The sister has wanted to meet Azure and this is her chance. It also takes a bit of the creepy out of the married couple inviting the nanny to join them at a hotel room in town. *wink, wink* We plan to take Azure’s bassinet, a few select toys and a blanket large enough for her to lay/play on without having to come into contact with the hotel bedspread. Blehck! Once the party is over we will go back to our room and send the nanny and her sister home. Everyone wins! If you can see any flaws in this plan, please tell me. I am one of those go with the flow parents but if you see any HUGE RED FLAGS that I am missing I would love to hear about them.

Sunday we will be celebrating the second birthday of a girl who would be my godchild if it weren’t for the whole me being an atheist thing. She is smiles and sunshine walking around with big eyes and curly hair. I am very much looking forward to the party. This will also be the first time that some friends will see Azure in person and I am looking forward to that too.

One last item. Azure turned 6 months adjusted yesterday and so we celebrated by giving her oatmeal for the very first time. *GASP!* Not rice cereal? She will never eat again and develop speech delays! Well, bite me, she’ll be fine. If you are really that worried about it would you feel better if I told you that it was organic oatmeal? What if I said she had a ball playing with the spoon but turned her head away from the actual "eating". We ended up putting the remainder of her bowl in a bottle and she drank it that way. If at first you don’t succeed…

Cervix Insufficiency

It has been measured and has been found wanting.

 

The nurse I spoke to today declared that in the 13th week of any future pregnancy my doctor would want to do a cervical cerclage.  Fun stuff. 

 

I now find myself wanting to cross my legs just in case something falls out!

 

I did prove I am not currently pregnant and obtained the Rx for the progesterone to start a period.  I also have an Rx for progesterone only bcps.  I hardly think it is worth it now.  I might as well just get the copper IUD and call it quits.  I do not see us TTC #2.  An adoption will have to wait until we get some bills paid, the house refinanced and make arrangements for me to quit my job to stay home with both kids.  In other words, it will be a while.

So Many Topics, So Little Time

#1 - A while ago I wrote about the huge scar on Azure’s left upper arm and how her plastic surgeon, Dr. RightNow, wanted to schedule her for surgery sooner-rather-than-later to fix it. Well, his time estimate of 4-5 months turned into a surgery scheduled for this week. I postponed this until after the first of the year. My goodness, we needed to get the all clear from her Ped, the cardiologist and get a second opinion. SLOW DOWN! We now have two out of the three and I need to call tomorrow to make the appointment with the cardiologist. The second opinion was wonderful! I loved this guy! He was much more conservative and told us that we could do absolutely nothing and Azure would grow up to be a completely healthy and normal child, though, literally scarred for life. He said there was absolutely no reason to rush into things and that we should most definitely make sure her other health issues are resolved before worrying about this. He also stated that if she were his daughter he would have the surgery done, preferably before she is so mobile that she could rip out stitches on her own, etc. We are thinking next summer maybe. Now I just have to cancel the surgery with Dr. RightNow and convince the insurance company that we want the other surgeon to do it a few months down the road. How hard can that be? …um, hello?

#2 - I am still living sans period. I have been waiting for this type of life-style since the fifth grade! However, now that I have it, I do not want it, at least not this way. I feel pain and pressure in my abdomen like PMS but never get anything out of it. At least if I had a period something would eventually relieve that pressure. History tells me that once I do get a period all Hell will break loose. So, I am considering the mini-pill. A progesterone only bcp. I used to take Provera (oral progesterone sup.) in order to stay on a regular cycle. One pill every day CD16-26. If I did not take the pills, I did not get a period. My body does not like that; it is better to be cyclical. I tried the take the bcp all the time so I did not have a period and my body revolted with seven straight weeks of breakthrough bleeding. Fun times. So, we are looking into our options. We still have to figure out what to do about #2. I am all in favor of adoption, but as we all know, it is not just up to me. I think we are a few months away from making any decisions and I cannot lose complete control of my body in the meantime. I called my GYN today to see if I could get an Rx for a megadose of Provera to kickstart a period and then start the mini-pill. I had some bloodwork done a couple weeks ago, which included a pregnancy test (negative). Unfortunately since it was two weeks ago they are now requiring that I stop into the office again to prove to them I have not fallen pregnant in that time and THEN they will give me the scripts. *eyes rolling*

#3 - New Years is coming up in about a month. We have traditionally spent New Years Eve with some college friends who have a bunch of people over to fondue, drink, watch the ball drop and spend the night followed by breakfast the next morning. It is a great time and we all have a blast. This year we have some things to consider. I am sure you are thinking child-care would be tops on that list. Not so much. I am sure my parents would watch her overnight without any question. My main concern is that I know they have been trying to conceive since well before last New Year’s. "Our room" at their place is actually a futon in their home office. I happened to spy a copy of "Fertility for Dummies" on the bookcase last year but they claimed they were not trying but not preventing. It does not take an infertile genius to put two and two together does it? Now, last year I was pregnant and not drinking but was not showing much yet and so we did not make a big deal out of things. They knew about our fertility treatments and I think they genuinely wished us well. We saw this couple over the summer and they inquired about Azure and how she was doing. I have always answered their questions and then tried to change the subject so as not to dwell on the fact that we have a child and they do not. I am concerned things might be more difficult at the party this year. We have gotten to know the other regular guests but the only time we see them is once a year, at this party. I am sure they will ask about Azure. I do not want to make our hosts uncomfortable. Maybe they will conveniently forget to invite us this year but I would really miss it a lot. Any suggestions?

#4 - Has anyone switched over to the "new" Blogger Beta version? If so, do you like it? I am afraid to switch and then not be able to switch back. I would like to know what you think of it after using it. Is it worth the switch?

#5 - Holy Cow with the snow! My entire city is covered in a sheet of ice which is now being covered with snow at a high rate of speed. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas indeed!

Back to Work

We had a quiet and lovely Thanksgiving.  It turned out to be just us at our house.  T's mother was supposed to join us but came down with a sinus infection and didn't want to get Azure sick.  Have I mentioned how considerate people are about that?  I have had more people offer to reschedule things when they or their children are/have been sick.  I am amazed at the thought others put into our meetings and it just makes me so happy that they are thinking of her that way.  (Thanks Beth!!!)

 

Saturday we enjoyed a nice anniversary but waited until last night to toast our 6 years of marriage with champagne.  Things turned sour after that.

 

Let's just say that between T, Azure and Maggie-The-Dog, I am the only one who has not puked in my house in the past three days.  Maggie gets sick when she doesn't eat and gets too much bile built up in her stomach.  Azure is still dealing with reflux and, well, she is a baby.  They spit up!  T on the other hand has been praying to the Porcelain God every hour or so since last evening.  We are not sure whether it is food poisoning or a virus of some sort.   I am leaning towards a virus since our receptionist at work said she had the same thing on Thursday. 

 

I am washing my hands constantly!

 

I had some simple bloodwork done with my annual visit to the GYN.  My Alkaline Phosphotase came back high.  I have to be tested again.  If you just said, "What the Hell is that?" then you know my exact response when I got the call.  It is a liver function screen they do.  There is no way to study for this test and no way to make it go down.  I just have to repeat it and see if it is still high.  I am currently off all drugs except for my Thyroid supplement and haven't even been drinking alcohol since I have been trying to lose weight.  I am not sure what could be stressing my liver out but it seems like an odd time for it.  I guess we'll see what the repeat test shows.

 

Hoping to keep my head out of the toilet in the next few days and I might actually get a chance to post again.  Wish me luck!

 

Today

I had a visit with the OB/GYN yesterday. T and I spent last evening discussing the pros and cons of attempting another pregnancy. I believe we decided we would like to have a consultation with the maternal fetal specialists at the local bigwig hospital and see what they have to say. We learned there was an infection in the placenta when Azure was born (why did I not know about this before?) and upon examination, my cervix felt short. I have an appointment with the dildocam on Sunday morning to have it measured. I didn't know one could measure the non-pregnant cervix and declare it either competent or not, but I guess that is the purpose of this fun little exercise so we shall see what the radiologist has to say in the matter. I don't know whether the knowledge of the infection will help us since my doctor said there was no way to tell if the infection started the labor or the other way round. Once upon a time there was a chicken and also an egg.
We want another baby. We would prefer sooner rather than later. We do not want another preemie. Another premature birth would effect not only ourselves, which is bad enough, but also Azure, our poor Maggie-dog who has been so starved for attention, the people we would have to rely on to watch Azure if I were placed on bedrest, hospitalized or if the baby did require a stay in the NICU. We cannot just think of ourselves, there are far too many others to take into consideration. We did not ask for a premature birth the first time round. If we chance another pregnancy we would be deliberately gambling on just such an outcome. Keep your fingers crossed all you want that it lasts longer next time around, but those crossed fingers will only get you so far.
All of this is on my mind today, Prematurity Awareness Day.

Annie, Annie, Are you Ok?*

Maggie requested I post the steps for reviving a baby who has stopped breathing. She is concerned about her one month old and SIDS. First of all, Congratulations Maggie! Secondly, I am not comfortable at all with attempting to teach these methods on this blog. The responsibility and liability involved is just too great a weight for my weary shoulders. That being said, I didn’t want to ignore the issue entirely. I thought that I could write about what we did for Azure and suggest a couple options for learning more.

Before Azure was released from the hospital we were required to watch a video on infant and child CPR and then demonstrate the techniques on a doll. We are not technically certified but we know enough to get us by in an emergency.

What we did when the alarm went off:
Check her color. Is she pale, blueish around the lips? This is an indicator that she needs oxygen. We would call her name and place a hand on her chest and gently but firmly wiggle her side to side as if to wake her from sleep. (I hesitate to use the work "shake" because of the implications of Shaken Baby Syndrome. I can very easily see someone panic and over-do-it in an attempt to stimulate a non-responsive baby. The irony in the possible tragedy is chilling.) We sometimes would turn her on her side and vigorously rub her back. Most of the time, this was enough to wake her and nothing else needed to be done. We would then spend a few moments calming down our own racing hearts. We usually gave her extra hugs and kisses at this point and told her that we don’t require much from her but the breathing and heartbeat thing were not optional.

If the jiggling was not enough to bring her around, we would try lifting and wiggling her arms by the hands. One nurse showed us how to pinch her big toe. Pinch it enough so that it hurts. Pinch the toe while lifting the foot into the air and then drop it letting the leg fall back onto the bed. It sounds mean, but the pain in her toe should be enough to make her upset and draw her attention to that, which will probably make her mad and possibly cry. When you are trying to save the baby’s life, a little pinch on the toe seems like a necessary evil. I thought that I could never do that to my child, but when I was there alone with her and she needed stimulating, I was pinching that toe and instructing her to get mad at me, cry, yell at me!

You do whatever you have to do to get a response while keeping in mind you do not want to injure her in the process. It is this cool under extreme pressure thinking that scared T out of watching her on his own. He saw that I could handle these situations and do what needed to be done without panic. He did not trust himself to be calm enough to remember what to do.

I would recommend:
#1 Go to an infant and child CPR training class put on by the Red Cross. This will ensure you are given the correct information and instructors can watch you practice the techniques and give you hints or corrections on ways you can improve. This should give you some peace of mind, knowing you did everything you could to educate yourself on these lifesaving steps.

#2 Get a training video and watch it a few times to get familiar with the steps to take. Practice on a doll or teddybear. Watch the video again every couple of months to refresh your memory. We were told this was the best way to keep our up our skills.

#3 You can find a quick and easy to follow guide online here. This is no substitute for a class, but it is better to have some information rather than none. The class is still the best way to go.

Finally, I would like to make the distinction between Azure’s case and SIDS. Azure, being a preemie was in a period of frequent Apnea and Bradycardia and occasional irregular breathing. This is a stage that many preemies go through and eventually outgrow. It is a matter of brain development. They need to "learn" to continue the involuntary actions of breathing and keeping their hearts going. Once the brain "gets it" they do it automatically just like anyone else. I also believe that reflux played at least a partial role in the incident in June when she turned blue. There was milk oozing slowly out of her mouth when I turned her on her side rather than the quick stream of spit up one would expect. I am not an expert on SIDS. I follow the "rules" of back-to-sleep and keep her sleeping area clear of blankets and stuffed toys. She goes to sleep with a pacifier but not a bottle. She is still getting mostly breastmilk from the freezer and we do not smoke (nor does the nanny or my parents who watch her while we are at work). She sleeps in a bedside bassinet right next to me rather than in our bed. (Does that count as co-sleeping? People ask about co-sleeping and I feel very wishy-washy with my answer.) You can find more information on SIDS here and here.

Maggie, I wish you luck and thank you for bringing up this important discussion.

*If you have ever taken a CPR class from the Red Cross you will recognize this as the first step in adult medical intervention with the practice doll named Annie.

Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee

I've got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret,
or make me frown
I had strings
But now I'm free
There are no strings on me

Hi-ho the me-ri-o
That's the only way to go
I want the world to know
Nothing ever worries me

Hi-ho the me-ri-o
I'm as happy as can be
I want the world to know
Nothing ever worries me

I've got no strings
So I have fun
I'm not tied up to anyone
They've got strings
But you can see
There are no strings on me

The monitor is officially FINALLY a thing of the past. The last two reports showed that she has gone two full months with "no patient events". This means that even though the alarms sounded off, she was actually fine, they were false alarms.

The irony of the monitor: It was there to keep her safe, to alert us when/if things went wrong with her heart or her breathing. All the experts will tell you that a baby’s crib should be free from loose blankets, stuffed animals and anything with a cord or ribbon longer than six inches to prevent strangulation or suffocation. Then they go and attach a ten-foot cord to her 24/7.

The bad part of the monitor: It is a ball and chain in the most obvious sense. You must drag it everywhere. It comes in a handy little shoulder bag but that is just one more thing. When it is plugged into the wall, you are stuck. When you are pacing with a crying baby you must be careful not to turn in circles or you will tie up your own feet. You must hold onto the cord so that the weight of the cord itself is not pulling on the leads which must be taped to the baby’s skin since the adhesive does not stick on its own. The skin will develop sores from being covered in tape all the time. No chance to breathe since the only time it is not covered by tape and leads is when the child is actually in the bathtub. You cannot lotion the skin or apply healing ointments because then the leads and tape will not stick next time. You will accidentally unplug the leads or let the battery run out setting off the alarm and scaring both the child and you. The monitor alarm sounds just like other noises in your daily life, which will scare the crap out of you. The smoke detector, a truck backing up, the microwave going off, that ringing in the pipes when you are in the shower and noises on TV will all make you jump in panic. You will suck in your breath and look for the baby each and every time you hear such a noise, even when the baby is not there.

The good part about the monitor: When the baby’s heart rate decelerates and she stops breathing and turns blue the alarm will go off to alert you that the baby needs help. Without that alarm you would not know until it was too late to intervene and you could lose her. That one instance in June has made these past five months of lugging that thing around worth it. The false alarms have done more psychological damage to T and me than anything else could have, but it was there when we really needed it.

What do we do now? We check her every few minutes and feel her chest rise and fall and listen to her sigh in her sleep and must reassure ourselves that she is Ok. She is free from her strings and she is a real live normal kid, just like Pinocchio.

Hey You!

STOP READING THIS BLOG AND GO VOTE! 

 

THE BLOGS WILL ALL BE HERE TOMORROW, YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS MAY NOT BE!

 

Thank you,

Blue :0)

Warning

When you actually take an afternoon to yourself and go visit your friend who lives about an hour away, do not drink even a small cup of coffee to keep yourself awake for the drive home since you will find yourself sitting at the computer at midnight typing lame blog entries such as this while listening to your husband and daughter slumbering upstairs on the baby monitor.

Things are crazy busy 'round here!

I KNOW I haven't posted in a while. I am working on a good one but it just isn't ready yet.

For now:

My right eye is bloodshot. It has been this way for two days now. I think I have a "cold" in it. It has happened before. I dumped about a gallon of eye drops into it yesterday before I remembered the last time this happened and the doctor said that the eye drops were bad because they constricted the blood vessels more and so defeated the purpose. So, I am walking around looking all funky in the one eye. I might wink at you once in a while just so as not to freak you out.

My office has started our own version of The Biggest Loser. Do you watch that show? I am addicted. T and I watch it religiously. Anyway, yesterday was the big weigh in at work. We have two teams of four people each. Each person kicked in $20, the winner gets the pot. We will weigh in twice a month from now until February 7 (yes, the competition runs over the holidays!). The losing team each weigh in has to vote off one member of the team to be replaced by a member of the winning team. I need to do this. I am the same weight now as I was six months pregnant. I have gained 20 pounds since returning to work! Not good. I am really watching what I eat and have started walking around the park on my lunch hour. I need to get back to the gym. I haven't been since February. I want to go, it is just a matter of childcare. They have a nursery at the gym but I don't want to pick her up after working all day and drop her off there for a couple hours while I work out and then go home and put her to bed. That just sucks the big one. T thinks we could alternate days, one watch her while the other goes to the gym but then we have a car/carseat issue to deal with. It will all work out in the end. (Get it? Workout? Ha!)

I am waiting for a call back from the pediatrician about getting a second opinion on Azure's scar surgery. It shouldn't be a problem. Oh, and she had her first Synagis shot yesterday. Poor thing looked completely offended by the poke. She looked shocked and then sad in a way I cannot even describe, like she was thinking, "Why would you do that to me?" To keep you safe and healthy Sweetie.

Azure had a wonderful Halloween with one slight exception. She was a pumpkin! I had decided that I wasn't going to spend money to buy her a costume this year but my mom's friend gave us the costume with some other beautiful clothes as a baby gift and she was just so incredibly cute in it I can hardly stand it. The exception came about 12:30am when the child who has been sleeping through the night for a few months suddenly awoke crying which lead to screaming and her usual comforts did not comfort this time. We walked and bounced and shushed and offered the pacifier and she was just not having it. It occured to me as I was bouncing and rocking and swinging my poor destraught child that it was officially Halloween. It is said that the veil between the living and the dead is thinnest on Halloween. I wondered if she was being visited by some unhappy spirits. It actually came into my tired mind that maybe she was being visited by the spirits of the babies in the NICU that did not go home. How is that for creepy? I was finally able to settle her again. I do know that she dreams and it could have just been a bad dream that scared her, then again...

Pandora Says What?

“Think Outside the Box” is a fairly well known concept in business these days. The original intent was to challenge people to break free from the tired and structured way of doing things and come up with fresh new ideas. Around my office it is not unusual to hear the boss ask someone, “What were you thinking?” to which the reply is “I was thinking outside the box, sir.” Then we all yell, “Get Back In The Box!” We do like our structure around here, but we have fun with it too.

Thursday my mother and I took Azure in for a check up on her hemangiomas. She has a large one on her leg, which we have watched and bandaged when it ulcerated but are completely unconcerned about. She has another one on her lip. This is resulted in a referral to the plastic surgeon. If it got so big as to interfere with her ability to eat, we would need to intervene in some way (steroids, laser treatments, etc.). It never actually got that big and is now much smaller and lighter in color. He wants to see her back in a year just to double check. No big deal.

Then, things went wrong. I said, “As long as we are here, can I get your opinion on a scar she has?” He consented. I removed the clothing covering her upper arm and the large starburst scar thereon. The scar is left over from a sore she developed her first week in the NICU. They had an electrode cuff on both of her upper arms. Because her skin was so sensitive, she developed this sore. They moved the lead to a different place and we treated the sore with antibiotic ointment several times a day, but before the sore was completely healed, it was once again covered by an electrode. It never did heal properly and left a sizeable scar. I expected him to say something to the effect of: it was a large scar but as she gets bigger it will get smaller and she will probably end up with a bit of puckered skin there or maybe a slight discoloration but in the end, no big deal. I imagined her coming to me as a teenager complaining about this mark on her arm and me sitting her down and explaining that scar was a badge of honor. She fought for her own life and she won! That scar is the reason behind the placement of my latest tattoo, the one of her tiny foot directly off the birth certificate. I had it put on my arm in the exact place she has that scar. (It comes across as a little redneck until people hear why I put it there.) That scar is a part of who she is and what she has been through!

The doctor however, did not say what I expected him to say. He said that the scar would grow as she grows and spread out and that the tissue had separated from the fat below and would never correct itself. He said he could feel right down to the bone and tendons and that this was dangerous. He said the older she gets the tighter the skin will get and she will end up with this giant indentation in her arm. He said that she needs reconstructive surgery to repair it, sooner rather than later.

Surgery!

Now, his idea of “sooner” is in about 5 months. That is how long it will take us to get approval from the insurance company (very likely as it is a result of the NICU) and get her placed on his surgical schedule (he is booked that far out). Her age does not really bother me since by the time we get this done she will be a year old (1yr actual/8 months adjusted). What bothers me is that we thought she was going to have to have heart surgery and it scared the Hell out of us. It is a life-threatening situation when you need heart surgery. They don’t just do it for kicks. Her arm is not life threatening. I never would have requested the scar be fixed for cosmetic reasons. If that were the case I would let her make up her own mind when she got old enough to understand what she would need to go through in order to fix it. What he is saying is that it is medically necessary. Not cosmetic, but important to her health to protect those bones and tendons that are exposed at this point.

I am left feeling torn. If she really does need it, of course I have no problem with her having the surgery. However, this particular doctor is a plastic surgeon. It is his business to fix things that do not look right on people. I want to sit him down and tell him that we went through infertility and that she was an IUI baby and then she was born 3-1/2 months early and we went through the Hell of the NICU and now she is home and relatively healthy and this mark on her arm is pretty much the least of our concerns. I want him to completely understand our perspective. Is it really medically necessary or are those buzzwords to get insurance to pay for cosmetic improvements?

At the same time I am horrified at my own obliviousness. What if I hadn’t asked about the scar? What if I had let it go only to find out in a year or two that her arm was growing abnormally due to the tightening of that tissue or an injury to one of those tendons? I thought it was just a scar!!!!! I thought if anything I might have to rub one of those new scar treatment ointments on it or something. Surgery!

So, I asked what I thought was an innocent question, let Pandora out of the box, and now I am SCREAMING in my own head, Get Back In The Box!

We Have Fun At Home

Scene: Blue and Azure watch a Harley Davidson commercial in which Guns-n-Roses’ “Paradise City” plays while all the black sheep separate themselves from the white sheep and congregate together because they know they don’t “fit in” anywhere else but they will accept each other.
Blue: This is Guns-n-Roses!
Azure: (Wide eyed stare at the TV, drool cascading down face.)
Blue: If you become the black sheep of THIS family, you’ve got issues!
T: (Laughs hysterically from the next room.)

Scene: T lifts Azure up in the air and she drools into his goatee.
T: Blehck! Ugh! Ewww! You can go back to Mommy now!
Blue: So you will kiss the dog who licks her own ass but a little baby drool is gross for you?
T: Yup.
Blue to Azure: Did you hear that sweetie? If you can learn to lick your own ass Daddy will kiss you.

Scene: Family sitting on couch together after dinner.
Blue: OHMYGOD! Azure has a big bleeding gash on her head!
T: (blinks and stares not saying anything)
Blue: Oh, wait, it is just cherry ice cream.
Blue: Is it wrong if I lick ice cream off the baby’s head?

I'm Dreaming of a whiiiiite Halloween!

Maybe it is the fact that it is only mid-October. Maybe it is the fact that I am still nursing the second degree sunburn on my face from last weekend. (Ouch!) Maybe it is the fact that I spent all summer shut up in the house making it feel as if I skipped the season all together.
Whatever the reason, this just feels so fucking wrong!

October Snow

Note to Self

The baby will become frightened and cry with real tears when you suddenly stand up and yell "No! You Stupid Idiot! You Idiot!" at the television during a last lap crash which took Dale Jr. out of the lead. Luckily, when scooped up into your arms and hugged and shushed she will settle right down again. Someday she will be big enough to yell at the TV too.

Not Just For Candles Anymore

Wax. That of the ear variety.  It is sticky, gross and difficult to dislodge.  I suffered from it as a child.  Actually, I did not suffer from the wax itself, but rather from the wax removal process.  They basically used a pressure washer to shoot water into my ear canal at something like 10,000psi.  How I came out without brain damage I do not know.  It was excrutiatingly painful.  I will rate it as pain worse than child birth.  It was that bad.  So please believe I understand the topic at hand.

Azure has earwax.  She also has the most miniscule ear canals ever.  They are too small for the dental tool hook device that the ped uses to dig said wax out of the ears of unsuspecting little ones.  So, we needed an alternative means of dewaxing.

A drop of mineral oil into each ear every night (or every other night) to loosen the wax and keep it soft.  Flush softly with warm water using a bulb syringe.  Keep ears clean with a Q-tip but do not shove the damn thing in too far or you might see it come out the other side and damage the ear drum while you are at it.  Baby Oil is basically mineral oil that smells pretty so this is good to use.  I use olive oil in my own ears and that works too.

I have found that Azure does not like the drops (they probably tickle) and has come to recognize the dropper.  When she sees it coming she will fling herself in the opposite direction therefore hiding the ear I was aiming at.  Oh the flailing!  I keep telling her the pressure washer is worse but she won't believe me.  I have to distract her with one hand and sneak up on her with the oil dropper with the other.  It is fun quality time.

Good Luck!

 

Anyone else have dewaxing tips or stories to share?

Fun For All Ages!

This week T invented a new drinking game for parents of small children.  Read Fox in Socks, the Dr. Suess tongue twister as fast as you can, then take a drink (do a shot, swig a beer, you get the idea), then repeat!  It is ever so much fun.