#1 - There are not enough hours in the day. Get up at 5:15am, pump, eat breakfast, wash dishes, get dressed, go to hospital, pump, go to work at 10:00am, pump/eat, work until 3:00pm, pump, do something constructive at home or run errands, pump, eat dinner, pump, head to the hospital, go home around 10:00pm, pump, go to bed. Somehow I am supposed to tweak this schedule so that I can extend my working hours until 5:00pm and then go to the gym before going to the hospital in the evenings. How? I ask you, how?
#2 - My heart still aches for the mother of the 23-weeker who didn't make it. It turns out that she had an emergency C-section, was let out of the hospital to go to the funeral and wound up right back in the hospital with a massive infection. The nurse said her room smelled of the infection and the woman was embarrassed by it. She has three other kids at home and I assume will not be able to rest properly in order to recover from this anytime soon. I stare at that empty bed every day and it hurts.
#3 - There was a new baby admitted yesterday. He is one bed over from Azure with an empty bed in between. No prenatal care, they don't even know the gestational age. He is very tiny and in "critical but stable" condition. He is using the oscillating ventilator that the 23-weeker used and that Azure thankfully did not need after all. I told Azure to be a good role model for him, she could be a good mentor. I hope he follows her lead.
#4 - My hands are being eaten alive by the soap in the NICU. I want to put a comforting hand on my daughter but I fear it would not be comforting but rather abrasive to her sensitive skin. For lack of a more eloquent term, this sucks.
#5 - Birth Control...go ahead and laugh, I'll wait...
Yeah, so T and I have decided that while we still want to have another child eventually it would probably be best for everyone involved if we did not try the whole insemination/pregnancy/trauma thing again. We do not want to go through a pregnancy thinking that each and every day could be the day that the shit hits the fan. We do not want to put ourselves or Azure through the stress and anxiety that would be involved. We are thinking adoption. This however brings up the ironic question of avoiding a now unwanted pregnancy. (Please read this carefully, the baby would be wanted but not the pregnancy.) Do to my utter hatred of all things hormonally BC related I am thinking diaphragm. T wants to back this up with condoms. The sponge is not a bad way to go but is expensive and requires water, etc. and I just think the diaphragm would be the better way to go. Thoughts?
#6 - My boobs hurt. Pumping has gotten really old really fast, but...the "gut priming" has commenced and is going well so far. She started out getting half a cc (cubic centimeter) every twelve hours and this has been increased to every six hours. We are slowly working our way toward nursing. There will be steps forward and back and I do not expect it to be a steady progression but we are moving in the right direction and that makes me happy.
#7 - Just because we can, my baby shower will still take place on April 1st. What better way to celebrate the premature birth of an inseminated baby than on April Fool's Day? I think it will be fun.
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6 comments:
Consider an IUD. Less maintenence, less fuss. Some last up to five years.
Also, if you are losing weight, (your reference to the gym) every ten pounds you lose can require a diaphragm re-fit.
I don't know how you do it. I'd be unable to put sentences together, and you are so graceful about all of this.
Best to you all.
Couple of things.
Re: The birth control. Go with your instinct. Do NOT do hormonal. It WILL dry up your milk. It happened to MANY in my NICU including me (thankfully we caught it before the milk was completely gone). And if you are like most preemie moms, the milk supply is not what it would have been full term and needs to be protected at all costs.
Re: The hand washing. Ask your nurses if you can use Purell for a respite. The NICU soap caused welts and burns on me after several days and they allowed me to switch to just Purell for a time to heal, then alternate use by the week.
I am ahving my shower on April 1st too! Someone made a comment about it being an IVF pregnancy and so it was appropriate to have it on April Fool's day...whatever.
I lvoe that you still find time to post. I check for your updates every day and will continue to send positive thoguhts, prayers, etc. for you and Azure.
Yeah, that soap sucks. They let us use hand sanitizer too. I think both are harsh on hands, though. I did not make it to the gym when my babies were in the NICU... just don't forget that pumping will help with weight loss (though you may have goals other than weight loss, I know).
Thinking of you and yours, wishing you all the best.
I am astonished that you are able to write so clearly and movingly. I personally would skip the gym and, if at all possible, the working-'til-5 until Azure is out of the NICU. But that is me and may not be the best (or possible) choices for you. Whatever you are doing, I hope as much as possible you are taking gentle care of yourself (even if you cannot take gentle care of your hands).
FWIW I used a diaphragm for years and loved it. Some muss, little fuss, gave it up due to UTIs but now think these reflected my then-boyfriend's carelessness about cleanliness (ahem) and had nothing to do with the diaphragm. The jerk.
I am sorry to hear about both Azure's former neighbor and her current one but hope she and her new neighbor will both flourish. I am glad to hear she is doing well.
I agree with the IUD. You can get a copper one with no hormones. That's what I have, since I will not do the hormones either. It didn't hurt going in either.
I'm so glad she is doing better. I think about you every day.
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