To Continue the Struggle of Pumping or Throw in the Dried Up Wrinkled Prune of a Towel

Pros to weaning

1. No more sore boobs (Did you hear the collective sigh of relief coming from my battered cleavage?)
2. More time with Azure
3. Fewer demands on me/my time
4. Easier to prepare bottles & easier to travel
5. I can stop spending money on Domperidone which is no longer helping (or maybe that is what is allowing me to get the little bit I still can?)
6. I can have a real lunch hour again. Time to myself, time to run errands or time to visit Azure.
7. Fewer restrictions on my diet!!!! (Think of Homer’s voice saying, "Mmmm, peaeaeannnnnnnnuuuuts" and drooling.)
8. I can get the breastpump off its place on the back of the livingroom couch (for all the world to see)
9. I can sleep comfortably on my stomach again
10. It will allow me to be a better mother

Cons of weaning

1. No more antibodies for Azure, her health/immunity is a huge concern in this decision
2. Formula Poop, blehck!
3. I wanted to get to one year and will only make it to around 9-months-actual using the remainder of the freezer stash before it goes bad
4. Formula is more bubbly in the bottle, I worry about her getting gassy
5. I worry about drive-by parenting when seen with a bottle (Of course this happens with breastmilk too but at least now I can say "Hey, lay off, it is breastmilk!")
6. I spoke to the neonatologist who attended at Azure’s delivery the other day and she said she has been researching breastmilk and formula and has found that the donated breastmilk gives no more benefits over formula. The way it is frozen and processed, etc. destroys whatever special qualities the fresh milk has over the formula so you might as well use formula. She also said that no matter what they do to synthesize the breastmilk they just can’t get it quite to the point where it is equal. This blows. I wonder if my freezer stash is any better than formula at this point. (NOTE: The freezer stash will last us well into November.)
7. I dread pumping now since I used to get 4-6 ounces per session and I am now struggling to get 1 ounce per session
8. I  worry about Azure’s digestion. She seems to really struggle to get the poop going. She is having a dirty diaper or two every few days but she gets gassy and uncomfortable while trying to get those out and I don’t want to make that worse.  We are still giving her juice each day.
9. We have been told by more than one health professional that Azure would probably not be doing as well as she is if she had not had the breastmilk this whole time.
10. It will make me feel like a bad mother

I am glad I made it this far (6months / 2-1/2months adjusted). Many women would not have in my shoes, but I want Azure to have more time with the breastmilk (because she is a preemie and because she has had digestive issues). It used to come so easily for me and now it is a struggle and I don’t know why that changed and I wish I could go back to the way it was when she was in the hospital and I was just swimming in it. I thought that going back to work would help and it did at first. I actually added more pumping sessions to my day since I had a quiet place to do it with no distractions. However, I think the stress of transporting Azure and milk and our colletive stuff and getting to where we need to be on time plus trying to get her to sleep through the night (we are close, it is hit or miss at this point) is taking its toll on me.

 

There I was typing this out in a calm and rational manner when the thought struck me, "I am failing her", and I had to stop to CRY and pull myself together.

 

What do I do when what is best for me conflicts with what is best for her? Is her nutrition more important than quality time with her mother? Why does she smile more easily for others than for me? Is she reacting to my own stress?

 

I always figured that when I got to the point where I would move on from pumping to formula it would be by choice and that I might feel conflicted about it logically. What I did not expect was that I would feel so strongly emotionally. I think my feelings about this decision are all wrapped up with my missing her so much due to my return to work and the helplessness I feel at the fact that T is not as actively involved with the parenting as I had hoped he would be*. I am tired. I am depressed about my situation and I don’t have any time to myself to process these feelings. (Could hormonal changes be effecting my supply and also/therefore my mood?) (Does it matter that I am now on CD 57? I did test last week and it was negative. I was relieved. For the first time in 5 years I was happy to see a negative.)

 

Therefore, it must be time to blog about it.

 

I know that if I were reading this post on someone else’s site I would offer support and let them know that they did the best that they could, and their child is so much better off for it and they can now go on to building a better relationship without all of the pumping getting in the way. I know what I would say to someone in my place. I think though, that since it is me, I do not necessarily believe what I am saying. (Lala, feel free to slap me at any time!)

 

*I do not mean to make out like T is a bad father.  He is helping by doing everything else, cooking, cleaning, shopping,  everything that has nothing to do with Azure.  He leaves her to my care, 100% my responsibility.  It just gets draining sometimes never to get a break from her.  Sometimes it would be nice to let him feed her and I could do the dishes, ya know? He does hold her and play with her but I provide all of her care.

 

PS. I told you I write when I have issues!

The Moment

My entire life has been spent dwelling on the past and dreaming (sometimes in nightmares) about the future.  I spent years in therapy which didn't help and then a few short months in therapy that did help.  I spent my teen years waiting to graduate and go to college.  I spent my college years waiting to graduate and move in with T.  I spent my time living with T waiting to get married.  Then I spent four years waiting to TTC and you know the rest from there. 

I have spent my life trying to get over losing my brother at a young age and my parent's divorce.  I was never happy with what I had. I always mourned what I had lost and wanted something more. 

A couple years ago around Christmas I became really interested in Buddhism.  I studied it in college along with the other religions that were part of my Comparative Religions major. (It was supposed to be my minor but I realized I only needed like two more classes for a second major so why the Hell not, right?)  I was searching for something to fill a void in me.  I needed something to hold me up in the face of Infertility. (Being an atheist this was sort of difficult.)  I decided that Buddhism wouldn't work since the whole point is to let go of your desires and what Infertile can drag herself off to the RE for a post-coital and say she has honestly shed her desires?  Yeah, it didn't really fit. 

Anyway, my point is this.  Even though it is hard and I am tired and I am stressed and I get overwhelmed now and again, I think I finally have what I have been waiting for.  I have a beautiful home (small starter house with a wife-beating-drug-addict living across the street, but I love it anyway), I have a husband who is my best friend, I have a beautiful daughter who is beating all the odds this world is setting against her and a dog who loves to snuggle on the couch.  (Ok, to be honest I still have Endometriosis and wonky works (CD 42 and counting) but I think that would happen regardless.)

My point is, I am happy.  Busy and tired and happy.  Which I think is why I have not been writing.  I have mentioned before that I write when I am depressed.  I haven't been depressed since Azure came home.  I have been exhausted and I have had times when I needed a break, but I have not been depressed.

I think I will take a break for a while from the writing.  I don't need it the way I did when I started blogging.  It was always more for me than for the readers anyway.  I also know that those readers changed when I got pregnant and changed again DRASTICALLY when Azure came so early.  I have needed those readers.  You Dear Wonderful People In The Computer!  I needed the support so very much.  But this is where I say, "It's not you, it's me" and "I still want to be friends!" 

There is enough guilt wrapped up in motherhood for simple things like not clipping those fingernails before she sliced her nose open in the middle of the night, or not realizing until too late that she had pooped her pants and it had leaked out the side all over her blanket and the bouncy and by the time you realize it the mess had started to dry and solidify and she was almost stuck to the damn chair. (See?)  I do not need to feel guilty in my life for not blogging (both reading and writing) right now. (Please note this is self-inflicted guilt not put on me by anyone else.) Things may change, possibly relatively soon (a month? six months?), but for now, what I need is a little space...in the real world.

We are doing great.  If we weren't I wouldn't be writing this right now. Thank you all for your unbelievable support and encouragement.

For the time being, I am living in the moment.

de ja vue

Back at work. Posting from cell phone while pumping.
Miss her!

Interview

So what do I ask a prospective nanny?

Checking In

We are fine, great in fact!
(I have tried three times in the past week to post and each one has been eaten before I could get it up. #%&$^@* computers! I love them so!)
I promise a real post soon with pictures and updates and all kinds of goodness.
For now, 8lb 2oz and 20 inches long! She is lovely and she is good humored and is starting to let me set her down for a few minutes at a time.
We have tentatively hired a nanny which is both good and absolutely frightening.
I actually have to go back to work next week.
NEXT. WEEK. (!!!!!)

I was asked about the amount of Domperidone I am taking. The answer is 3 tablets (10mg each) three times a day. I have enough to keep limping along without being overfull considering I am down to pumping only once or twice a day. This will improve I think once I go back to work and actually have a quiet place to myself to pump without needing to fetch pacifiers that have been flung from her pouty lips. We are supplementing both with frozen milk and with straight formula. I think she is getting the best of both worlds and I am not a complete wreck. WIN WIN!

She has a new nickname. PIPP (Yes, I thought of you LaLa.) which stands for Precious Inpatient Pretty Princess. She is all of those things! PippSqueak also works since she makes a sound that is quite squeakish.

More soon(ish), I promise!

I am still here

My how time does fly when you are having fun. It is July. This means that I have only three and a half weeks left of my maternity leave. AHHHH! and Ugh!

She is 7 pounds today. That is HUGE. No really, 7 pounds and 19 inches long is like, well, like a newborn! She is one month adjusted! We have made it to the positive numbers! I can stop saying things like "she is 44 weeks gestation". Now I can say "she is four and half months or one month adjusted". No matter how many times I say it (and I find myself saying it a lot because GOOD GOD, I CANNOT WALK THROUGH THE FREAKING GROCERY STORE WITHOUT 10 PEOPLE STOPPING TO ASK ME ABOUT THE CUTE LITTLE ITTY BITTY TEENY TINY BAAAABBBBEEEEE!) everyone gets a confused look on their face and I have to explain what adjusted means and it just sucks. Why can't every Tom, Dick and Harry know as much as you lovely Internets?

The good news is that very close to her actual first birthday (MIL asked yesterday which birthday we are supposed to celebrate, when she was born or her adjusted date. *eyes rolling*) she will be receiving the gift of a new baby cousin. YAY! We just found out that TBSILE (The Best Sister-In-Law Ever) is expecting #2. Again, I say YAY!

I just picked up one of these today and so far I am LOVING IT! I highly recommend it for those with wee ones since most carriers are designed for well, normal sized babies and their poor little legs get stretched out too wide and they end up just flopping around on top. (The picture there looks like the kid has been absolutely flattened which might argue with my leg-spreading point but it is totally adjustable and, well, look at the size of the kid!) This wrap works in front (tummy to tummy and facing out), hip, back and nursing cradle position. FABULOUS! Azure is as we speak drooling all over my cleavage but you know what? I am typing with too hands so WHO CARES!

Also, the home nurse visited from the County Health Department today. She suggested I mix 1/2 ounce of pear juice with 1/2 ounce of water and give that to her every day as a natural laxative sort of thing so that we don't have to rely on the suppositories when things get stopped up. I bought some this afternoon and told Azure she will be enjoying her first "treat" of Poop Juice this evening. (She hasn't moved anything in three days, since the last suppository was given.) Hopefully the Poop Juice will work, and I will owe the nurse a huge big ole thank you kiss. Or something.

In conclusion, still here, still lurking, still loving my temporary stint as a SAHM and missing you all.

PS - The Domperidone is working! She actually nursed for 20 minutes this morning on the left side and I was actually getting engorged! I know they always say that is a bad thing but you have to understand how soft and empty they girls have been for the past month. It was nice to feel full again. I need to be more strict with my pumping schedule, something that will actually get easier when I go back to work.

Here's a Story

I grew up loving The Brady Bunch. Why wouldn't I, being a child of the mid-seventies? Lately I have been addicted to the Celebreality series My Fair Brady: We're Getting Married. It is like a train wreck, I can't NOT watch it. Man do they have issues. How many times can he say he doesn't think they are ready to get married? How many times can she say she doesn't think he wants to marry her? And yet, they continue their march towards the alter. Hmm.

This morning however it was a different kind of Brady that caught my attention. Azure stopped breathing, turned blue and her heartrate crashed. I never would have known had the monitor not gone off. I was this close to having T call 911 but I was able to suction her out (a HUGE amount of milky mucus plugging up her airway) and stimmed her for FAR. TOO. LONG. and got her going again.

And I thought yesterday was bad when she got her four month shots at the ped's office. I have never heard screaming like that in my life! But I would take that over the blue and non-responsive anyday. Blue is my favorite color, just not on my daughter's skin, thank you very much.

Answer: F-L-E-E-T

Question: How do you spell relief?

You might well remember my battles with the progesterone supps in early pregnancy. Those days when I thought I was pushing so hard to have a movement that my whole uterus (baby and all) would pop right out. Those days when I was slave to the Prometrium. Ugh! I bought a canister of Metamucil (orange flavor) which is still sitting in the kitchen cabinet, completely untouched since going off of the progesterone (horrible, rotten stuff). I must admit that I have joked several times in the past couple days about mixing a bit of that lovely orange powder into Azure's bottles. The poor child has been straining and grunting and SPITTING UP LIKE CRAZY trying to fill her diaper and it just wasn't going to happen.
I keep notes. I looked back at those notes wondering when her last dirty diaper was. I saw check boxes marked "wet fart" and "wet mess but nothing of substance" and I realized that the last GOOD stool she passed was on Sunday. SUNDAY!!!!!
Before she left the hospital she was "getting a chip" (a glycerine suppository) once every 24 hours if she hadn't stooled in that time. They weaned her off of them to go home. She hasn't had one since. When you look at your baby and realize she has continued to take food in for half a week but has not passed it back out (wet diapers not withstanding) you begin to wonder just how long it will be until she explodes. Then she has an episode of "nasal reflux" which means milky snotty vomit pours down her face from both nostrils and her mouth and you don't know where to apply suction first, and you realize that she IS exploding, only it is going the wrong way.
We have an appointment with her Ped in the morning so I thought about just waiting. Then I thought about how miserable she is and how it would just get worse overnight. I called the Ped's office. A warm bath they said. Stimulation with a rectal thermometer they said. Half of a glycerine suppository they said.
BINGO!!! I was off to the pharmacy.
She got the warm bath. Nothing. She unhappily put up with my mother holding her down while I did the dirty deed of the rectal stimulation with a greased up thermometer. Nothing. I squeezed in slightly more than half of a glycerine suppository, put on her diaper (one that was sure to leak per brand and the fact that it was too small, I figured I would play the odds) fastened her onsie, picked her up and PFFFFFFFFTHTHTHTHTHTHTHTHTH. Problem solved, out both sides of the diaper, up over the top, on my hand and spreading. Then it happened again!
I held her still (much easier now that she was happy again) while my mother fetched us a clean diaper (a good one that actually fit this time)a new onsie and the wipes. It took the both of us to clean her up and change her. I then sent her into the livingroom with Azure for her 5pm bottle (even though by this time it was more like 6pm) while I disinfected the kitchen (warm bath having taken place on the kitchen table while the remainder of our operation took place on the counter)*.
Results? A HUGE sigh of relief from a now peacefully sleeping Azure and one slightly less stressed out (but PMSing**) Blue. :0)

*You, like my mother, are probably freaking out at the thought that all this fecal matter (more like splooge) was applied liberally to our kitchen counter and floor. Please believe me when I say that it is the highest, largest and most easily disinfected workspace in the house and I have Lysoled and Cloroxed the place to a gleaming finish and will do so again before food is once again prepared in that same spot. I don't really care, my baby finally pooped!

**Yesterday just about did me in with the crying and refluxing and constant uncomfortableness that I could not do anything about. I was tired and frustrated and angry at myself for wanting T to watch her for a few minutes so that I could eat dinner and pump***. AF showed up this morning and the lighbulb when on. OH, it wasn't a case of "would someone please take my baby" it was just hormones! WHEW!

***The Domperidone arrived today. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Freezer Stash

Got Milk?

Boobs Again

So I am now on my third yeast infection in as many months. Azure has not once shown signs of thrush, but, it seems I continue to get it over and over again. It hurts, my supply is shit. (1-1/2oz this morning when I used to get 8-12oz first of the morning pump). I spent the weekend trying to come up with a way to pose the question to T about whether I should continue to pump or not. Azure is not allowed to exclusively breastfeed. She requires extra calories and nutrients so she is getting breastmilk fortified with formula. That is to say the formula powder is mixed into the breastmilk. (Some people have confused the fortification with thinking that she is getting some breast milk and some formula, this is not the case.) The Ped told me specifically not to nurse her exclusively yet and at this point, with the yeast infection again I have not been nursing her at all the past few days.

Here is my issue. I know that for a preemie with a heart defect she needs all the immune boosting help she can get. I know it is better for her and for me to breastfeed for the first year. While she was in the hospital and I was running out of freezer space for all the uber lactating I was doing this did not seem like a difficult task at all. However, now that she is home and drinking as much fresh squeezed boob juice as I can muster and I am still raiding the freezer on a regular basis and my supply is dwindling... I am entertaining thoughts of giving up.

Following is my thought process:

1) I just ordered a one month supply of Domperidone. Our Ped/LC was not only un-opposed to my taking it, she is very interested to see how it works for me as I will be her first patient to try it. So, I have decided to commit myself to at least one month on Dom to see how it goes. If things improve, then I may continue with no other concerns...except these blasted yeast infections. (Yes, I sterilize my pump equipment and change my bra every day.)

2) If I were to quit pumping at the end of my Domperidone trial period the question of how to go about feeding Azure comes into play. Do I feed her out of the freezer stash until it is gone so that she gets exclusively breastmilk (fortified) as long as possible and then switch over to formula?
-OR-
Do I feed her some breastmilk and some formula every day to make the freezer stash last longer and therefore stretch out the time period of nutritional benefit from breastmilk? (Did I read somewhere that freezing the milk kills off some of the antibodies in the breastmilk so it might not matter anyway? I can't remember and am too lazy at this point to look it up.)

So, where does that leave us? I will pump for at least the next month and a half (7-10 days shipping then 30 days on the pills) and see where we stand then. That would put us into August when I plan on returning to work, adding more stress to our busy schedule. Also, she would be almost 6 months old.

If it looks like I will need to stop (for my own health and sanity) then I will take up the nutritional questions with our dietitian assigned by the county health department and our Ped.

NOTE: I am drinking lots of water and pumping about 4 times per day, (although the minute I turn on the damn pump is Azure's cue to start crying/coughing/alarming/etc.) and rest is something I heard about once in another life but I think it is actually just a rumor. My boobs have gone soft where once they were full and firm and it takes so much breast compression to get the milk out T is afraid I will actually hurt myself.

I find myself looking for that bar with the mechanical bull.

One Handed Bullet Points

*This motherhood thing is hard work!

*I do not think I fully understood the concept of 24/7 until now.

*The reflux is definitely a challenge. The gurgling in her throat just makes me shudder. It sounds like that scene in the beginning of the movie Scream where Drew Barrymore has been attacked and her mother picks up the phone extension and can hear her talking but there is that sick gurgling sound. It sounds like she is drowning in her own body. There is not a big enough bulb syringe in the world to get this milky mucus out. Blehck! The fact that she seems completely comfortable and oblivious to the milk streaming out of her nose makes it a bit easier to take. It bothers me more I think. It bothers T a ginormous amount.

*My milk production has taken a nose dive. For a while I was humming along pumping 2-3oz or more out of each breast at each pumping. Now I am lucky to get 2-1/2 to 3oz total per pumping. I must talk to our ped on Tuesday, she is also a lactation consultant. They say the best thing for your milk supply is rest, water and frequent pumping/nursing. I have lacked all three in the past week.

*It is easier to find Huggies preemie diapers than Pampers preemie diapers however the Pampers do not leak and the Huggies ...let's just say the Huggies make me have to do more laundry.

*I feel like at any moment someone will show up at the door and tell us there has been some terrible mistake and we have to give her back. I suppose this might be a bit like an adoptive parent must feel the first week at home. (?) I look at her face and see she has the Elephant Family nose and I still think, "Where did you come from?"

*I have a couple of fabulous kids books to tell you about but that will have to wait until I can type with two hands.

*A word to the wise. Try to keep the home monitor plugged in as much as possible since the alarm will go off at the most in-opportune time to tell you the battery is running low and you will mistakenly think that your child is dying when in reality you are simply the dumbass who forgot to plug her back in.

We're Home

I am very sleepy and very happy. The reflux is bad so she must remain upright at all times. This means that the bassinet and crib are not getting used as much as the bouncy and swing (turned off). She prefers to be held.
The dog is doing great, she comes running to "help" whenever Azure makes a peep. I think if we let her she would lick the skin right off the baby, so we are not letting her.
We are all smiles and sleepy drooly yawns.

Allllmossssst there...

Ok, so I stole the title from Star Wars. (Can you name the scene?)
So I went to the baby store yesterday and bought everything I thought I MUST have before she comes home. This included a crib, mattress, mattress pad (waterproof and antimicrobial non-allergic, etc.), bassinet sheets, a video/audio monitor, diapers, wipes, a seat protector for under the car seat, a rearview mirror to allow me to see her in the rear-facing car seat and a couple bulb syringes with which to suck the nasty mucus crap out of her throat so she can breathe, cuz that is important. *sigh*
T saw me bringing in the loot and we agreed upon a "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy in regards to how much money I spent. It really wasn't that bad considering the cost of cribs these days and mattresses that range from $50-$200. (Can you tell me why I would need a 30 year warranty on a baby mattress?) We are ready. *Gulp*
We completed our CPR training last night and are scheduled to Room In on Friday when we will learn how to use the take home monitor. Saturday midmorning we could be taking our daughter out of doors for the first time in her life. She has never felt the wind on her face or smelled the sweet...ah, who am I kidding, the oil and exhaust of the hospital parking lot. Anyway, you get the idea.


She is now 5 pounds 1 ounce and looks like a real baby. Incredible!

Nesting

This weekend we are nesting in the Extreme Home Makeover kind of way.  T is building a second bathroom in the basement (plumbing already there, we just need the room and the stuff hooked up, etc.), we had central air installed yesterday which will be a life saver this summer when it is 80F with 1000% humidity and Azure is literally stuck to my boob with sweat and dribbled milk.  I am also painting the back stairway and doing more laundry than I ever have in my life.

Why all the fuss?

She might be home next weekend!  Holy Shit!  How did this sneak up on us?  How does one become comfortable with the schedule of hospital work home hospital sleep hospital work, etc.?  We will do CPR training today.  Tuesday or Wednesday we get trained on the take home monitor.  Friday will be a sleepover at the hospital and then next weekend we expect them to boot us out.  This is a tentative schedule based on how we do, how she does, what they have going on at the NICU, etc. 

Again, Holy Shit!

Better go, Home Depot is calling.

 

I didn't think she could find me

while I was hiding in the NICU but she did. 

AF is back. 

CD1

*sigh*

OMG Azure is F&G!

Which IMNSHO* is better than G & D**!

 

She is a Feeder & Grower.  Just Wow.  She was moved to a big girl bassinet up in the front of the room again.  The same place she was when she had her big set-back last time with the bowel obstruction (and was quickly moved back to the back corner). The nurse last night said this move is like taking "two steps out the door".  This leaves me nervous, excited and feeling HSSMACH***!

 

 

* In My Not So Humble Opinion

** Gorgeous and Divine per the lovely and talented Tertia

*** Holy Shit, She Might Actually Come Home

 

(!!!!!!!!!)

Not Competition, Just Recognition

Saturday night as we were donning our hospital gowns and srubbing our hands in preparation for entering the NICU, we were engaged in conversation with another NICU visitor.  He was apparently waiting in the family lounge while his wife and (I assumed) a grandmother visited his son (their third child) inside.  He was one of those happy talkative types that drive me crazy.  I probably found it so irritating because I was in that sort of manic state trying to rush through things as quickly as possible so that I could get inside and see my baby andwhyareyoustandinginmyfreakingway! 

Ahem. 

So anyway, he started telling us his life story, blah, blah, blah and lamenting the fact that they had been doing this "SINCE WEDNESDAY"!  I didn't scoff at the man or call him a sissy or anything. I know that having a newborn in the NICU is tremendously taxing no matter what the gestational age or how long the child has been in there. It is not a contest this NICU Parenting.  I know that.

However, I did have to smile, nod my head and say "Oh, we have been here since February."  It is not that I wanted to one-up him or make him feel badly.  I just wanted a little recognition for the difference in being there 4 days as opposed to 90-some days.  There is a difference.

Sunday morning I sat rocking Azure while she was getting her 11am feeding.  She quite gassy and uncomfortable to begin with and not at all in the mood for a bottle so we decided it would be a gavage (tube) feeding.  They put the tube down and she rested against my shoulder and we rocked and rocked and I talked quietly to her during the half hour feeding.  I tried not to notice the man across the room staring at me, probably silently wishing me death threats as he sat next to his son (his third child too) who was full-term but having serious breathing issues and is "low stim" (no holding, very little if any touching).  I felt him looking at me and I tried not to stare back.  I feel so badly for this man and his wife who is sick and still mostly bedridden somewhere on the floor above us.  I feel this man's jealousy at my "luck" for being able to touch and hold and rock my baby.  I can put her nasal cannula on by myself and lift her out of the bed myself and rock her and do those things parents are supposed to be able to do.  I want to tell him that I have been there, the low stim days, and I know how hard it is and I am so sorry his son is going through this.  His son who is easily twice if not three times Azure's size.  I recognize his side.  I do not think he recognizes mine and I wonder if I should explain it to him or not. 

Last night we were back for Azure's 8pm feeding and this time she was all pooped out (diaper filled, not tired) and raring to go with the bottle.  The man was there again and watched as T fed her the bottle.  This time though his nurse spoke to us from his son's bedside and mentioned that Azure has the seniority in the NICU both as the eldest baby and longest in residence.  She asked us how many days we had been there and we figured out the number was in the 90s.  Then, then I think the man understood, he could recognize our side, a little. 

It is not a competition and no one will win or lose.  We will all go home eventually either with or without our babies.  We must recognize the love and the struggle and the spirit that goes into being a parent of a child in the NICU (or any child who is hospitalized at any age, for any reason).  I have said before that I do not know how anyone does this with one or more children at home to care for.  How in the world do you do it Sol?  Compared to them I have it easy, compared to others I have a more difficult path to follow.

I felt kind of bad about making my comment to Mr. BeenHereSinceWednesday but I mentioned it to our nurse and she said it was probably good for him to hear that.  It allows others to recognize their own place in the order of things. 

It could be worse, it could be a whole lot worse.

Can't I Just Have SOMETHING Be Normal?

This is the question I asked the two lactation consultants (NICU nurses and also LCs.  How lucky am I? Very!) this morning as they stood there staring at my bared breasts consulting each other about the possibilities.  What I thought was a pimple last weekend turned out to not be a pimple.  I then thought it was a clogged milk duct and was concerned a bit since it wasn't going away and was turning red. (Red spots on the breast are a bad thing, mastitis kind of bad.)  They questioned me daily as to whether I felt flu-like symptoms. 

"No, I feel fine but it is still there!" I would answer them. 

Last night I made Booby Soup.  T thought I was out of my mind but the nurse backed me up on it.  I filled a bowl with hot water, placed it on the counter and then leaned over it soaking the one breast until the water went cold.  I then replaced the cold water with new hot water and repeated the process, all the while massaging and kneeding and hoping that little bugger would just pop loose, spurt out a torrent of milk and we would be done with it.  No such luck. 

Which leads us to this morning where I once again baffle the medical community.  I called my OB/GYN right from the NICU. She was on the other line and would have to call me back. When she called back she ended up talking to one of the LCs which probably turned out to be best.  Nothing like hearing someone else descibing your fucked up breasts from across a crowded room.

The result?  Antibiotics 4 times per day for the next 10 days to treat what they believe is a staph infection.  On top of this I shall resume treatment for yeast since I might actually have that back too.  Oh Joy. 

I microwave sterilize my pump parts right BEFORE each pumping session so they should be nice and clean each time.  Can someone please tell me how I keep ending up with the sore boobies?  This is getting really old, really fast. 

Will it make me rethink pumping?  Will I quit in the face of adversity, pain and the challenge of now lugging around creams and premoistened cloths with which to regularly treat my fucked up nips?  HELL NO!  I have not squeezed the hell out of these sore and achy milk taps for the last three months to give up now, right when Azure is learning to eat.  Not in a million years!  I have Endo!  I am used to going about the day-to-day in pain.  *sigh* 

I just wish SOMETHING could be easy, normal, not a challenge.

 

Azure by the way is doing much better.  We implemented the following changes.

Nasal Cannula on to provide oxygen and a little bit of pressure during nipple feedings.  She will alternate nipple feeds with gavage (tube) feeds every other time.  She will be held at an upright angle following feeds to help with the reflux.  Her Prilosec dosage has been increased to cut down the acidity of the spit up so it will be less uncomfortable for her when she does spit up.  Let's face it, she is a baby, she will spit up.  She is getting glycerin suppositories every 12 hours to help get the poop out.  These will also be carefully timed so that she is not pushing out a poop while trying to eat because pushing out one end while taking in the other is just counter productive.  She seems much more relaxed, much better rested and SO much more comfortable now.  It sucks that we have to make such a fuss to raise the red flags and get these changes implemented but if that is what we have to do then we will do it.  She is better off for us making the fuss and the NICU staff all say she looks better now. 

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Poor Azure seems to be in a catch-22 situation.

 

The Rock:

The reflux has raised its ugly head and is causing us some concern after feedings.  She spits up a bit, but not all the way, only into the back of her throat.  You know, cutting off the airway and all.  Thus, she stops breathing and her heart rate drops and she has a brady alarm. We are not talking about a little dip here.  We are talking about a heart rate below 100bpm and oxygen saturation levels in the 40% range.  These require more than a little pat on the back and encouraging words like, "take a deep breath honey".  We are talking vigorous stimulation and grabbing the oxygen mask off the wall and taking, in my opinion, way-too-fucking-long to come back around. This occurs  during.and.after.every.meal.  Not fun.  I am thinking about renaming her Brady R. Trunks (the R. being for Reflux).  All of this requires that she remain upright after her feedings.  I have held her, the nurses hold her, they even tried putting a bouncy seat in her bed and propping her up with rolled blankets!  It sort of works, sometimes. Basically, if I am holding her I can start stimulating her before she crashes all the way.

 

The Hard Place:

She's backed up again.  The girl needs to have a movement.  She is tooting her way through the day but she needs to actually get something out besides air.  This is best done while she is on her belly with her knees tucked up under her and her butt sticking up in the air.  We know this, we can count on this.  However, see "The Rock" above.

 

Upright and lay-on-tummy do not co-exist.  The result, one uncomfortable Azure.  One tired but resigned-to-find-a-solution mother and a Pissed-off-Asshole of a father.  Pissed-off-Asshole is T's way of advocating for her when I am not there.   If I am there he tells me what he wants and I tell the nurse.  If I am not there, he has to do it himself and he is, well, not as politically correct as I am.  The good nurses, like Fabulous Nurse, know this.  They know us, they know Azure and they work with us. 

 

Ok, now for the good news. (Yes, I have that too!) 

She is maintaining her own temperature.  She no longer needs the bed warmer and will soon be moved to a bassinet.  I believe the bassinet signifies official "Grower and Feeder" status.  We are close, we are oh so close.  Want more?  Good, I have more. 

 

We nursed last night for the first time.  We are not very good at it yet, but we will keep trying.  Considering her very small mouth and my very NOT small nipples.  It could be a challenge, but she roots around a lot and is a voracious sucker.  I am not ashamed to admit she is a bit intimidating with the suckage.  *cringe*  More?  You want more? 

 

Ok, she is now 4lb 1oz. (1860grams) and 16-1/2 inches long.  Today marks 37 weeks gestation and tomorrow will be 3 months old.

 

I started watching "Little Man" this morning while I pumped.  (I do that, tape movies and shows and then watch them in short bursts while pumping.) So far I have cried three times.  When Nicole the mother gets to hold Nicholas the micro-preemie for the first time I just lost it. It is something that many people just don't understand.  That and minimal stimulation times when you are not allowed to touch the child or talk to him or play his music or read to him or do those things that you feel make you a mother.  When what you want most of all in the world is to mother and you are not allowed to do those things.  That is so hard.  I am sure I will have more to say once I have seen the rest.  So far though, I am loving it.  It is touching and so deeply deeply personal and close to home. 

A WTF Day, Nurses and Mother's Day

I recommend if you are going to a garage sale at your girlfriend's house and she lives out in the middle of nowhere and you have never been there before and you followed her turn by turn directions to get to her house, do not call your husband to tell him you are running late and will be home in half-an-hour (so you can inhale dinner and head to the hospital for feeding time) because while you are on the phone you will miss your turn and end up 50 miles PAST Bum-Fucked-Egypt and will have to drive around aimlessly trying to find phone signal to once again call your husband and have him look up your location on Map-quest (thank goodness for DSL service) and have him talk you back to the highway so that you can then get home an hour and a half later than you originally intended at which time your bladder explodes because on the way to the garage sale you drank 32 ounces of your famous coffee/hot chocolate mix since it was cold and rainy and you thought it would be soothing.  It did not end up soothing enough.

Once home and starting to feel a bit better about your ordeal you will learn that your husband has cooked dinner and enjoyed a few beers whilst awaiting your return due to the fact that he was rear-ended in his car on the way to the gym that day and that while the car looks none-the-worse-for-wear the S50 (Sirius satellite radio receiver) was knocked off of its docking station and has since not worked properly and his neck is a bit sore and he is hoping it will not stiffen up to become very sore the following day. His head is about to explode with anger making you grateful that he is sitting there telling you this story at home rather than you finding it on the late news in a road rage expose. 

All of this is sorted out and stories told over dinner which is eaten very late and takes up your whole evening which in turn makes a trip to the hospital to visit your daughter impossible since you both need to get to bed so that you can get up early the next morning and go back to work. We called to talk to Fabulous Nurse* and are assured that Azure could really care less whether we were there or not as she was inhaling a bottle at the moment.

The brightest spot of the day?  Finding out that Azure had an excellent day and is feeling a bit more energetic despite the anemia and jaundice she is struggling with and is knocking on the door of 4 pounds.

*sigh* Is it the weekend yet?

 

*T and I have little names for the different nurses that we have encountered over the past 12 weeks. (12 WEEKS!!!!) 

Our favorite is Fabulous Nurse who works nights and we just LOVE.  In a weird freaky coincidence we found out that her SIL is my step-brother's secretary.  Small world. Anyway, it was Fabulous Nurse who was there the night that Azure took her downward spiral with the bowel obstruction.  This was more than just apnea, the woman had to bag her to keep her breathing!  She then handed her other assignments off to another nurse and sat by Azure's bedside the entire night to keep an eye on her. She marveled at my pain tolerance when I was dealing with the double yeast infection and praised my continuing to pump in the face of such agony.  She also jumps right into the sarcastic humor bantered back and forth between T and I and we love that.  I want to do something nice for this woman when Azure gets out.  I think I will cry when we say goodbye to her.  I will miss seeing her on a regular basis. 

There is also Nurse Christina Ricci so named because she looks like the woman's TWIN only from back in the Adam's Family days!  Good nurse but absolutely no personality. The hard part is trying to remember her real name since in my head I call her Christina.  One of these days I am bound to slip.

Then there is Nurse Church Lady who not only looks like the Dana Carvey character but acts like her too.  Very preachy and couldn't wait to tell us that her husband works at the local [Anti-Choice Organization] office. I SO want to get a preemie sized onsie that says something like "My Parents are Pro-Choice Atheists and VOTE!".  However, I figured I had better not stir the pot unless I could be there through her whole shift to ward off evil spirits.

There is another nurse I love but I don't have a good name for her.  All I know is that she came up to me this morning and said, "I want to be the first one to wish you a Happy Mother's Day**!" and gave me a hug.  How cool is that?!?! 

 

**Mother's Day is fast approaching and I don't know how I feel about it.  All I know is that I still do not feel like a mother and I just want to spend the whole day with Azure which means packing myself a lunch and parking my butt down at the hospital all day.  This will have to start later in the day than I originally planned since the Elephant Clan (grandparents, aunts, ucles, cousins, etc.) will be meeting for breakfast at 10am so I will not get to the hospital until around noon.  That sucks!  If my grandparents weren't going to be there I would skip the whole thing but since I only see them every once in a while (they live in Florida half the year) I want to visit with them while I can.  They will not be around forever, ya know?  I assume T has something in mind for Mother's Day but I don't know what and I am actually hoping that no one makes a big deal about it for me.  I just really don't feel like it applies to me yet.  It makes me a bit uncomfortable.  Most women want a day OFF of mothering on Mother's Day.  I want to actually BE a mother on Mother's Day. 

little man the movie

little man the movie

I have not seen this documentary yet but it will be showing on Showtime tomorrow night at 8pm and I will be taping it. (We will be at the hospital at the time since that is feeding time.)
If anyone else watches it, I would be very interested to hear what you have to say about it.

When you don't know whether to laugh or cry.

So, I thought it was bad last week after pumping at work when I managed to squeeze 6-1/4 ounces of milk into a 6oz storage bag (I had missed the previous pumping, I usually get somewhere around 4oz. per session) and then dropped it on the floor, in the middle of the office, losing at least two ounces and quickly having to clean it up and hoping no one walked by and saw the big white puddle in the middle of the dark blue carpeting and not having to ask what it was because it would have just been so completely obvious and gross and laughable and humiliating and I would never hear the end of it considering I work with all men most of the time.

Yeah, I thought that was bad. Then today…

after pumping at work when I was pouring the milk into the storage bag but missed the edge and ended up pouring it into my lap instead so that I was surprised and stood up bottle in one hand, storage bag in the other, big huge wet mark across both thighs and my boobs still hanging out of my shirt I had to question the age old saying.

At what point does one cry over spilled milk?

Amazing

Drinking from a bottle twice a day. Gavage (tube) feedings the rest of the time.

 

Off oxygen except for a little "blow by" when she eats or gets a little tired and forgets to breathe.

 

3 pounds 11 ounces.

 

"Very slight beginnings of Stage 1 Retinopathy of Prematurity" according to the eye doctor yesterday.  Being off the oxygen and gaining weight will help this and we suspect she will not have much if any trouble with it in the future.

 

I am blown away by the progress she has made in the last two weeks.  Crazy amazing kind of good that leaves me anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

6 Silly Things

I have been tagged! It has taken me a while to comprise a list but here goes...

1) When in the high school band we wanted to take a trip to a band competition in Florida. Being from Michigan you can realize what a big trip this was for us. As a fundraiser we put on a car wash in the school parking lot. The school is on a busy street so we had a lot more business than we originally anticipated and quickly ran out of paper towels. I was sent to the store across the street to buy more. I ran quickly, grabbed the largest package I saw, paid and ran back. It was only a few minutes later as I waved my sign at passing drivers that I realized my mistake. I had purchased a HUGE package of toilet paper, not paper towel. Oops. They were right next to each other on the same shelf. I looked at the package of paper towel and grabbed the package right next to it thinking it was the same thing. Um. Not so much.

2) In college I became obsessed with the movie When Harry Met Sally. I would pop it into my VCR and fall asleep to it every night. I am a huge Meg Ryan fan and think that she and Billy Crystal had such wonderful chemistry in that movie. I think I like the fact that you love these characters in spite of their flaws. I still watch it once in a while but not nearly as often as I used to.

3) I enjoy spontaneous movies and hair cuts. I will decide to see a movie some afternoon, go to the theater and buy a ticket for whatever is playing right then. I don't look up the movie to see what it is about or who is in it or anything, just go based on the time I arrive and what is showing. I have seen some good and some not so good movies this way. I highly recommend it.
I am the same way with hair cuts. I will just get it in my ass one day that I need a change and will stop by some $12.00 hair cut place, pick out a picture in a style book and tell whoever gets to be my stylist that day to make me look like the picture. I will admit this is also a hit or miss situation. The last time I got home and T looked up at me and said "What the hell happened to your head?"

4) I have this romantic dream of sleeping in late on a Sunday morning and then spending the rest of the afternoon laying in bed with T and the dog and reading the newspaper as we drink coffee and eat bagels while the sunlight flows into our bedroom through the long billowy white curtains.
This.will.never.happen...ever.
First of all, the dog in not allowed on our bed. Secondly we do not have long billowy curtains in our room, or any room for that matter. We have 2" faux wood blinds on every window of the house, no other window treatments. Thirdly, T does not drink coffee and very rarely eats bagels. Fourthly, we do not get the newspaper and I cannot remember the last time I actually read one. Fifthly, the room I envision is large with high ceilings, tall windows and space to move around the bed. Our room is actually the attic which has been drywalled and carpeted to convert it into a bedroom. Not exactly the dream. *Sigh* I suppose that is why they call them dreams. I still find the image relaxing, I gues that is what counts.

5) I love 80s hairband music. No seriously. Sirius satellite radio has a station called "Hair Nation" and I LOVE it. Bands like Faster Pussycat and Junkyard who I haven't heard since high school are getting regular rotation on this channel. I must say that since there is a whole channel devoted to this music I cannot be the only one who loves it. Seriously, am I a freak? I belong to a niche, I just don't know anyone else in the niche. *Sigh* Motley Crue, Poison, Bon Jovi, Guns-n-Roses, Warrant, Skid Row...I could go on and on.

6) In sixth grade I was the only girl in my class who could make herself belch. The boys could do it, sure. The girls? Nope. One day we were walking single file down to the gym and I was at the back of the line (I hated being tall but that is a totally different story) and I let one rip. This belch was really something since we were right at the junction of two hallways so it reverberated up and down in four different directions! The substitute teacher (of course) made everyone go back to the classroom and we were going to sit there until the guilty party confessed. I had to take responsibility in front of the whole class. Ugh! That sucked. All those people who were egging me on to do it in the first place get away free and clear and I end up in trouble. *sigh again* I can still make myself belch but don't do it very often.

Geez, will I be a total dork if I don't tag anyone else? I think everyone has done it already, right? OK, how about this. If you are reading this and haven't done one on your blog already consider yourself tagged. Leave a comment to let us know you are doing it and we will hop on over to your place for your answers.

Seriously, the hair bands. Am I the only one?

35 Weeks

35 weeks gestation, Friday she will be 11 weeks old.

 

A time line:

 

3/30 - Started giving Azure fortifier in her milk to boost the calories she is getting.

4/5 - Azure is taken off all feedings and put back on IVs due to a bowel obstruction. Symptoms included gray/clay color stools, green bile, horrible apnea and bradycardia (episodes of not breathing and heart-rate dropping) and a highly uncomfortable baby. I ask and am told that it is highly unlikely that the bowel obstruction came as a result of the fortifier.

4/6 through 4/19 - Long slow recovery.

4/20 - Finally back on full feeds with straight breastmilk!  Go Azure!

4/21 - Azure gets immunization shots so we expect her to be uncomfortable for a couple days.

4/22 - Started giving Azure fortifier again. Oxygen saturation levels low, needs to poop!

4/23 - "Low Stim" day, no holding, baby uncomfortable and struggling to poop!

4/25 - Green bile again, stools "clay" color again.  They said she hadn't "declared herself" as having a problem yet.  T said, "Well I am declaring for her!"  She is switched to straight breastmilk and given a complete liver workup. Test results all come back normal.  The only difference is the fortifier.  They have yet to concede the fact that I was right all along about the fortifier.

4/29 - Stools coming around to normal color again, no alarms for apnea/brady episodes, mostly room air (requiring less oxygen).  They talk about adding a fortifier back (different one this time) since she hasn't gained weight this week.

5/1 - They give Azure time sans cannula to practice breathing on her own.  She does well as long as she is asleep but when she wakes up needs a bit of a boost.  Things, in general, are good.

5/2 - Azure gains 45 grams!  She is 3 pounds 5 ouces (1530g)!

 

Hmm.  Looks like the parents were right! I trust their medical judgements and am so very appreciative of their life saving efforts.  The problem comes in when they have people watching her that haven't been there in a week or "new" people who have never been assigned to her before and don't know her traits.  They need to listen to the people who are there every day and know her very very well, us.  I have also learned to write things down. What have they changed?  When did they change it?  How was she acting before compared to after the change? 

 

In other news:

As a family we raised over $2400 for the March of Dimes Walk America last weekend!  Yay!  Most of that was my mom's doing but we got the word out and there were several nurses from our NICU walking too.  Next year we will have more time to prepare and will hopefully be in a better place in our lives to be able to do more fundraising.

Expectations, Great and Otherwise

I don't know what I expected from pregnancy. I never imagined I would have the opportunity. After so many cycles ending in that stick with the single line I was absolutely dumbstruck by seeing two. Knowing it had been the result of the IUI I still looked quizzically at that double line and asked, "How did that happen?" I didn't really believe it then, or when the nurse called with the news of a positive beta, or when the nurse called with the more than doubled beta. I still wasn't really convinced when I got the quad screen or when we rolled in for the 20 week ultrasound. We could visibly see her moving all over the place on the screen but I couldn't feel her moving so it mentally and emotionally felt like I was watching someone else's home movie. What I need you to understand is how totally surreal the entire pregnancy seems to me, not just now that it is over, but the entire time! I was JUST starting to get used to the fact that I was pregnant with my growing belly and increasingly swollen feet when it ended. I did not bond with the baby in my uterus. I was barely able to accept the fact that she was there in the first place. I thought about having a little girl in the summer and the thought pleased me but mentally and emotionally I did not connect those thoughts to what was happening inside my body.
My water broke at 11:30am. Azure was born at 11:50am. In those twenty minutes we were asked repeatedly if we wanted extraordinary measures taken in order to save her life. In my shock and muddled thinking I was rendered speechless. I could not give them an answer. I had questions to ask such as: At 24 weeks and 3 days can she make it? Will she suffer? Will she suffer later due to her development outside of the womb instead of inside? Will she be in pain? I needed to have a discussion with someone explaining things to me so that I could make the best possible decision for the welfare of the baby. I still did not think of her as my daughter. She wasn't real enough yet. The thing is, there was absolutely no time for that discussion to take place.
Seeing her in the isolette in the NICU she barely looked like a real baby. How do I know this is my child? I did not experience labor and childbirth and bring forth into this world a bouncing baby girl. I had a traumatic experience with pain and fear and a voiding of something from my body (I never even pushed) and then T and I were left in a room alone and I was no longer pregnant and we didn't have a baby and I couldn't wrap my head around what the FUCK just happened.
I had specifically not had any expectations about what the labor and birth should be like because I wanted to relax and go with the flow. If I had a plan and things went another way then I might have been disappointed and I did not want to look back at what could possibly be my only birth experience with regret. What I had hoped for was to deliver her, probably with the aid of an epidural, and within the first hour after birth I wanted to do kangaroo care. That is to say, place her skin to skin on my chest and let her know where my breasts were just to get her used to the idea that food could be found in that general area. As it turned out, I wasn't able to hold her until she was three weeks old and the kangaroo care came much later at almost five weeks.
Azure had her immunizations Friday. I didn't think she would even have enough muscle tissue yet in order to get the shots but they assured me that they use a very small needle. Saturday she was "naughty" which is nurse speak for "she hasn't been breathing well and hasn't been pooping and has had more residual milk in her belly and isn't doing so hot right now". This was one of those days when I was not allowed to hold her, too much stimulation.
I look at that little girl, sleeping in her bed and I now realize she is my daughter. She has my nose and she is blonde like me. Those things however do not make her my daughter. She is my daughter because I am there for her. I care for her. I love her and I am making decisions for her. Are they in her best interest? I hope so. I assume so. The biggest decision was already made. We decided to have them save her life.
I feel that all these things have been one big selfish act on my part. I wanted a baby. I wanted to try medical assistance to get pregnant before moving on to adoption and when things came to a head I held my tongue and kept my questions to myself and was grateful that my husband told the medical staff to do what they had to do to keep the baby alive. Yes Rach, I too find it amazing that should I still be pregnant right now I would be able to make the decision (CHOICE) to either continue or discontinue my daughter's life. I wonder if she would have been better off if we had just let her go. She wouldn't be struggling to do basic things right now like digesting, breathing, keeping her heart from stopping. Simple things like the sound of my voice, the light overhead, the gentle rocking of the chair or the supposedly soothing touch of my hand can be overwhelming to her. We are her parents and we had the CHOICE to let her live or die. I can't say for sure whether we made the right decision or not but I am glad we had the right to choose one way or the other. According to Tertia's post the other day babies in South Africa born below 2.2 pounds are not given oxygen support from ventilators. Azure would have died in that situation and it would not have been our choice, the choice would have been made for us.
I sat in the nursery at home Saturday night to pump. I looked around at the bookcase filled with toys, books and videos, at the changing table covered with clothes, diapers and skin care products and at the swing which is all set up holding a teddy bear no bigger than the girl who should be sitting there instead. I looked at that empty room and I felt sad that things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to. They weren't supposed to be this way. There I was pumping my breasts which would not have been possible had I not had a baby and yet, there was no baby. I was holding plastic bottles instead of cuddling my newborn. I do not yet feel like a mother and I do not think that I will feel like a mother until I get Azure home with me and I am the one responsible for her care. I will not feel like a mother until I no longer have to ask permission to hold her (Saturday and Sunday permission was denied), to bathe her, to change her diaper or give her medicines that she needs.
I did not have any expectations about what motherhood would be like, but I never expected it to be like this.

Full House!

2 months old !

 

3 pounds !

 

She is working her way back up on the feedings which means the IV nutrition is being turned down.  I am looking forward to getting rid of the IV...again, as this will mean she can wear some of the preemie clothes we have been given.  (With the IV in she needs clothes that velcro around her arms since you can't just pull them through the sleeves.)

 

Azure is 33 weeks gestation today.  Her new neighbor in the bed next door was born Sunday night at 31 weeks.  She weighed in at 4 pounds 9.7 ounces.  It just seems incredible the difference time in the womb makes.

 

Gotta go, nature calls.  In this case, that means my boobs are full and letting me know it is past time to pump.  Don't sneeze or get a chill because your nipples will zing like they are hooked up to Consumer's Power! (Yeast infection seems MUCH better by the way.)

Take a Moment for a Good Cause

I have been Pro-Choice as long as I can remember. I made up my mind the first time I learned what abortion was and what the right to choose meant and I have yet to find an argument to make me change my mind.

I have held onto my Pro-Choice notions throughout our struggles to conceive and even now when I look into my daughter's eyes and think that she was supposed to have been a second trimester miscarriage who just so happened to make it out alive.

I will passionately defend a woman's right to choose with pounding fists and tears in my eyes and choking sobs because it is just that damn important to me.

I recently took an online survey for Planned Parenthood to help them determine what it is that "We" (collective Pro-Choice supporters) want and what "We" are willing to do to help them get or keep those things that we want.

You can take the survey right now at:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=678872004357&c=ppol_fwd

Please do not take your rights for granted. They are not. We need to ask for them, expect them, demand them, fight for them.

Thank you.

Stand Aside Please, Boobs Coming Through!

Hey, if JJ can talk about her boobs, why can't I?
So yesterday morning I noticed that all through the night before I had felt pain in the area of my left nipple. Like, disturbed my sleep kind of pain. Then it came time to pump and HOLY GEEZ-US did that hurt!
It hurt all day. Last night during my 7pm pumping T looked across the livingroom at me and said it looked as though I had grown a third nipple! I have a lump on the left side of the left nipple in the areola part. It is about the size of a pea. It HURTS when I touch it and it merely hurts when I leave it alone.
I spoke to the nurse watching Azure last night and she suggested hot compresses and Tylenol overnight (probably a clogged milk duct) and said I should talk to the lactation consultant this morning. So, I did the heat thing, and I turned down the suction on the pump to the point where it would not suck, and I had to turn it up again to get any milk out. I took a full hour to pump this morning removing the pump every now and then and massaging the spot hoping to unstick whatever was stuck in there. I never took the Tylenol.
The lump is smaller but not gone. It still hurts.
The lactation consultant was consulted. Her first reaction was, “Your nipples are HUUUUUUUGE!” I told her that I had switched the bells/shields/cones of my pump from 24mm to 27mm because the 24mm that came with the pump were pinching. “Of course!” she said, “You should be using 30mm!”
Are you kidding me? 30mm nipples people! That is HUGE! These nips will never fit into my daughter’s mouth! My boobs are four times the size of her head, how is she supposed to eat from them?
Oh yeah, the other thing. I have a yeast infection on both nipples but the left one is worse. This is probably the cause of the bit of yeast infection in Azure’s diaper area a while back. If she has been drinking my milk then digesting the food and passing it into the diaper then it starts a rash on her butt.
How did this happen if she was being tube fed? Good question. It all came from “window shopping” which is our NICU code for letting her lick and mouth on the nipples during kangaroo care. I pump beforehand so she does not actually get more than a drop of milk at a time. Basically, she gave me the yeast infection. She is at greater risk for them since she is on the oxygen. Her mouth is swabbed with Nystatin twice a day to prevent such a thing but apparently I got it and passed it on to her butt. From her mouth to my boobs to her butt. WTF?
So, now I get to call the doctor and say that I am exclusively pumping but that I have a yeast infection and would she please call something in for me.
It is time to pump again…wish me luck.!
*whimper*

Forward Again

Headed back in the right direction. *sigh*

Two Steps Back

"They" say time in the NICU will be one step forward two steps back. "They" don't tell you that the steps back will actually feel like you are hurtling off of a cliff at 100mph blindfolded.

We are back in the corner. We are back on CPAP exclusively. We almost went back on the ventilator. We are withholding feedings through the tube so we are back on IV nutrition. It has been a long hard couple of days.

Withholding the feedings even though they are through a tube and she never actually was sucking for nutrition has left her hungry and wanting to suck on positively everything in site. Give her a pacifier or your finger and she will go to town, she is very hungry! She gets so wrapped up in the sucking that she forgets that whole breathing thing and she stops, then her heart slows down to almost stopping. We have spent two days in the balance between "Don't over-stimulate her" and "Jiggle her and pinch her toe to get her breathing again". Terrifying.

She has been working so hard at breathing and digesting her feedings that she is just plain tuckered out. We are too.

However, we seem to have turned a corner. The X-ray tonight looked good. The echocardiogram this afternoon let us know that it is not congestive heart failure, yet. We are heading back towards the good side of life. It is very encouraging.

Slowly but surely...

WalkAmerica

My girlfriend in Cleveland started a walking team and is in a fundraising competition with her husband. They are even having shirts printed up with Azure's name on them.

T and I have teamed up and are hitting up friends, family and co-workers. I have already raised over 5 times my original goal amount.

My mother is walking and got members of her symphonic band to sponsor her.

This is a great cause, please consider walking or at least sponsoring a walker.

These babies need all the help they can get.
WalkAmerica

Pomp and Circumstance

Azure has moved up in the world!  Up until yesterday afternoon she was in the far back corner of the NICU where there was little light and little foot traffic.  We really liked our little niche.  However, last night we scrubbed up and headed towards the back corner and saw an empty bed!  Wha?  Azure had been moved up by the "big" girls (twice her size) near the nurse's desk where there is noise and light and it is now crowded with three babies and their families all smooshed together in a small area.  However, this is a good thing.  This means she is no longer so sick and small that she needs the back corner and it is available for any new babies that might actually need it.  Yay! 

She is back in an isolette to provide a bit of muffling for the noise and the isolette is covered to dim the bright lights a bit, but this is a big step up.  Our goal so far has been to get her to "Feeder and Grower" status and we are well on our way.  We believe her new neighbor will be going home sometime this week (YOU GO GIRL!) which will give us a bit more breathing room. 

Azure was a bit agitated on Sunday but produced quite the diaper around 6pm and has been back to her old self since.  Ahh.

Your good thoughts and positive vibes are working! Keep 'em comin'!

You Asked For It

I am quite the pushover. Following are a few choice pictures of Azure, just so you can put an image with the name.

This is Azure's foot in my hand. This was back when she still had the IV lines in her bellybutton. She is now IV free!

This is Azure sleeping peacefully. It is hard to tell. Here is the breakdown: She is laying on her back covered by a blanket. She is in bed wearing the CPAP device on her head. She is sucking on her pacifier which is being held in her mouth by the "frog" sandbag. Then the entire warming table is covered in Saran wrap to keep her warm. Beautiful, isn't she?

Finally, here we are doing kangaroo care. Notice the beautiful quilt she is wrapped in. You will see it again in a future post as soon as I send out a proper thank you note to the amazing and talented person who sent this to her.







Sorry no face shots. It just has to be this way. I thought I might just be paranoid until I found an acquaintance has already posted her name, our names and more than one of her pictures on her own website without asking us. Just not good blog etiquette in my opinion.

Anybody need any...

I have an unopened box of test sticks for the CBE Fertility Monitor.  They expire in August of this year and I will definitely not be using them by then.  If you are interested drop me a note and let me know where to send them and they are yours. First come, First served, yada, yada.

30 Weeks

We would have been 30 weeks gestation today.  This is a big milestone as this is the point I wanted to reach to feel comfortable giving birth to a premature baby.  I never had any indication that she would come early but I knew that 30 weeks has a very good survival rate and things tend to go well from here. 

Ha!  Joke's on me I guess. 

Azure is doing great!  She is up to 7ml/hour of milk and she is getting all of her nutrition from the milk now.  They will probably take out the IV by the end of the week as she won't need it anymore.  She is stopping the steroids for her lungs and they will continue to give her the caffeine only they will switch to oral instead of IV for that. 

She is up to 2 pounds 5.7 ounces.  This seems amazing!  She has also started filling her diaper on a more regular basis which is a good thing.

We are practicing on the nasal cannula twice a day for two hours at a time.  She likes this MUCH better than the CPAP. 

Friday marks her 6 week birthday.  Hard to believe.  We are looking forward to the baby shower on Saturday so we can get her room all set up at home.  We still expect her to come home sometime in May.  She needs to get this breathing thing down and gain some more weight first.  We are holding her, reading to her, bathing her and I will be learning infant massage soon which they say can shorten our time in the NICU.  Hey, who doesn't love a massage, right?

She sneezes and she is REALLY drooly and she is starting to fuss more when she is unhappy.  In other words, she is acting like a baby!  We couldn't be happier. 

Note to Self

When dropping off the disposable cameras (kept in Azure's bed) on Wednesday do not sign up for the "Next Day" developing since they send it out but have two day delivery service and they don't actually send them out until the next day and then they don't receive deliveries on Saturdays so your "Next Day" pictures will be in on Sunday.

 

ASSHOLES!

Things that make you go Hmm:

I am supposed to avoid caffeine while TTC, during pregnancy and now that I am pumping milk for my baby.  Then, they turn right around and shoot her up with the stuff to remind her to breathe.  Couldn't they just let that come through me? They can inject it in me if they want to... PLEASE!?!?!?!?

 

One of the good things about having a baby in the NICU is that you get to sleep through the night while other parents of newborns are up with their babies.  Unfortunately, our dog Maggie does not understand this theory.  She has taken to waking me up at 3:30am and wanting to go outside.  She doesn't need to go out, she has been out before we go to bed and will go out when we get up at 5:30am.  She gets up out of her bed, stretches loudly then shakes which clangs her tags.  She then proceeds to walk laps around the bed stopping by my head at each pass to bonk me with her nose or whine or paw at the covers trying to get my attention.  This morning she was nicer to me, instead of 3:30 she waited until 4:15. We think she is just feeling the stress we have been under and maybe wants some extra attention?  I am tired.  Again, with the caffeine question!

 

Babies are supposed to be calmed by touch.  Germs reside on the human skin, especially on the hands so they require frequent washing especially at the hospital with their SOAP FROM HELL.  My hands are a mess.  The skin is peeling back from the tips of all my fingers.  I have cracks in the skin that bleed.  I have bags of frozen milk in my freezer with blood streaks on them from my fingers touching them. Gross!  My fingers are now sticking to the Velcro holders which fasten down Azure's CPAP tubes.  My fingers stick to the lovely flannel blankets, her clothes, the gauze used to wipe her mouth.  I want to caress her cheek but I am sure it would feel like sand paper.  Oddly enough, during her three day stay at the other hospital my hands heeled nicely.  I used LOADS of their moisturizing hand cleaner as well as normal lotion.  Now that we are back at our own fabulous hospital with the SOAP FROM HELL my hands are a mess again.  If only I could just stuff them in a big vat of Vaseline to soak for a while.  I may have to try Miss W's advice of swapping back and forth: one week washing, one week Purell.  I'll ask about that tonight.

 

Finally, today is T's birthday.  He marveled at me the other day the way I just fell right into the mothering role.  Changing diapers, suctioning the spit from her mouth, soothing her with the "womb hands" and pumping non-stop. I was thinking, "Of course! This is what we were working for!".  I have always been good with babies, they have just always belonged to other people before. 

He asked me if he was my "rock",  meaning, was he the one I am depending on so as not to completely lose my mind in all of this.  I told him no, and I am not sure he understood.  He is there for me, it is not that I could not depend on him to get me through this.  My point is, he is going through this too.  When two people go through something together they need to rely on each other as well as others.  It cannot be completely one sided. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings when I said that, I just want him to know that it is Ok for him to need support too.  He has been tentative in the holding but fabulous so far overall.  He is getting more confident in the NICU and asking questions instead of having me ask for him.  I have a WONDERFUL picture of the first time he held Azure with her looking up at him.  This is going to be a most amazing year. I am taking him out for dinner to celebrate.

Not Enough

You can find more information on Kangaroo Care here.  This morning Azure was nestled in my cleavage (I have plenty now, especially right before I pump) with her head on my chest and we were all wrapped up in a blanket my best friend made for her.  Absolutely lovely.  They said if I pump right beforehand then next time we will let her "window shop" at the breast.  She isn't ready to nurse yet (I don't think her mouth is big enough for my huge nips) but this will give her the experience of being there and provide stimulation for my milk supply.  It is a Win-Win!

 

That being said.  I am feeling a bit down.  I am feeling quite inadequate as a mother, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend...  I am sure this all comes with the territory but it sucks just the same.  It is easy to say that Azure is my priority right now but that doesn't get the laundry done and the fact that after my shower last night T told me I had been smelling a bit "sour" I see that not even my personal hygiene is up to par (I assume it was the milk that dribbled into my shirt, but still). *sigh*

 

Daycare.  My initial plan when Azure was still assumed to be a healthy full-term baby was to take 8 weeks off and then take her to a daycare center near my office.  She is neither healthy nor full-term and at great risk for upper respiratory illnesses considering her chronic lungs and the hole in her heart.  Daycare is NOT the best place for her.  So what do we do?  In-home daycare scares me to death considering all the injuries, deaths and pedofiles in the news in the last couple of years directly associated with this type of setup.  Having someone into my home seems a bit better but I would need time to get to know this person and feel comfortable leaving the person in my home and she (see how I automatically ruled out men?) would need to feel comfortable taking care of Azure with any special monitors or medications she might need.  Very scary.  I am leaning towards two options.  One, we figure out some way for me to stay at home with her.  Two, I convince my boss to give me the private office instead of the cubicle, and I bring her to work with me.  Ha!  This of course assumes that she will not consume every single minute of my day.  I could wear her in a sling or put her in the pack-n-play and handle almost all of my work that way but what if she is cranky and screams her head off?  How can I answer phone calls with a crying child around my neck?  See how option #1 is looking pretty good?  If only we were wealthy.  We are comfortable, don't get me wrong, but we have a lot of debt and we would be cutting our income in half with me not working.  *Sigh* again. Where there is a will there is a way, right? 

Here comes the bad part.  I am going to hate leaving my job.  I like my job.  I enjoy the people a lot.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't laugh out loud.  We get along very well, joke around.  My boss actually calls me over to see the porn on his computer.  We kick up our feet and enjoy an afternoon beer once in a while.  Where else am I ever going to find an environment like this again?  I have already envisioned myself explaining my resignation to my boss and I can't even think about it without crying. 

My daughter will provide joy too, I know she will.  I am just sad to think that this part of my life, a part that I actually enjoyed, might be over.

 

There is not enough time, not enough money, not enough of me to go around.

 

Call me Kanga

We started Kangaroo Care this morning.

 

We are lovin' it.

Here I am

Last night instead of my usual trip home after work for dinner and to pump before heading to the hospital I went to my knitting group.  I haven't been there since the first week of February.  They have all been concerned about Azure though I have kept them up to date on things.  I brought a small flip book of pictures showing her first month out in the world.  They were all happy to see me and are all working on projects for Azure as her "Knitting Granny's".  I was glad to see them again and they were very surprised and happy to see me too.

Then I went home.

I never went to the hospital last night.  I am still trying to figure out how I feel about that.  I was there in the morning before work.  My mother was there in the afternoon and T went for a visit when he got out of work.  However, for the last month I have been there twice a day every day with the exception of a couple weekend days when I spent a longer period of time there in the middle of the day instead of split shift of morning and evening. 

Logically I know that I did not choose those people over my daughter but it just doesn't feel that way to my heart.  I can hear my own advice in my mind saying that taking care of myself will make me a better mother.  I am just not feeling it right now.  Blah! It is not sitting well with me.

I decided Sunday that "Bloody Mucus and the Cramps" would be a great name for a band if I had one since that is how I spent my morning curled up on the couch..  Menstrual-like cramps complete with lower back pain and bright red bloody mucus in the undies.  I expected things to be ugly down there for a while after giving birth but things had tapered off to the post menstrual brown blood spotting for almost a week before I had a two-day stomach bug.  The pressure in my gut seemed to kick-start the ole ute again and this is where it has lead me.  Bright red blood and really goopy mucus.  Blehck. I am going back to the doctor next week to be fitted for that diaphragm and am hoping things have stopped by then.  Is 6 weeks too long for this crap?  I am sure it doesn't help that I am pumping which causes uterine contractions.  What is a girl to do?

 

In better news...

Azure is off of the ventilator!  She started the CPAP on Sunday night and has handled it wonderfully.  I don't think she can see around the connections over her nose and even the size small hat (which has all the tubes velcroed to it) is too big for her so it is constantly sliding to one side or the other, but she is breathing on her own! 

They also inserted a tube through her mouth which bypasses the stomach and goes right to the intestines.  Her stomach wasn't digesting food quickly enough for them so they are going straight to the bowels and see how that goes for a while.  Eventually she will work her way back to a normal stomach tube.  She is getting 1cc of breastmilk every hour and we are getting some pretty interesting diapers so things are going well there even if the process is slow.

 

Also...

The Sopranos are back!!!!!!  Sunday night at 9pm finds me glued to the couch raising a glass of red wine to the TV and saying "Salude"!  The fact that this week's episode found Tony in the ICU hooked up to a ventilator while the family sat helpless talking to him not knowing whether he understood what they were saying hit a bit close to home.  Art immitates life, right?  Even so, I am looking forward to next week's episode and shall savor this last season as much as possible.

 

Finally...

Lala you Rock!  Congratulations my friend.

 

PDA Closed...Again

Well, the PDA has been closed again.  This time with a staple.  It should stay closed this time.  She just had the surgery today after several delays but is now resting comfortably (drugged) and looks good.  We are looking forward to seeing the changes this brings about.  They should be sizeable.

She handled the move to the new hospital just fine.  I, on the other hand, did not.  I cried and cried.  T was not overjoyed at my reaction.  I didn't care.  I just cried anyway.  I also had a martini with dinner.  So there. 

She should be going "home" to the original hospital either tomorrow or Friday.  Fingers crossed it is tomorrow.  The Big Hospital Up the Hill is HUGE and LOUD and I want her out of here ASAP!!!!  The care is excellent and the technology is impressive but it is not "our NICU" and I want her back there where there are only 6 babies instead of 91 and there is one nurse to every one or two babies instead of one to four.  *sigh*

Things are good and should improve from here. :0)

PDA Revisited

Yeah, so that PDA that closed up on its own, it has re-opened. 

 

Tomorrow morning Azure will be transported to The Big Hospital Up the Hill where she will have surgery to close it.  She will recover there and then be moved back to the original hospital.  This could possibly all take place in one day, or depending on the timing of the surgery, might be a couple days.  We just don't know yet.

 

This was completely unexpected but she is bigger and stronger now than she was before so I feel a bit more comfortable about it now.

 

I am still scared (who wouldn't be), but I think it will be Ok.  This should help her breathing, they are hoping to wean her off the vent in the next week or so.

 

Ugh.

Three Weeks

Azure is three weeks old today and she has had quite a week!  Three major accomplishments in the past few days.

 

#1) Last night she weighed in at a whopping 2 lb. 2.6 oz.! 

 

#2) We have started tube feeding the breast milk.  They actually call this stage "gut priming" but T absolutely hates that term so we are calling it "feeding" instead.  She started out getting .5 cc every twelve hours and we have now increased that to .5 cc every three hours.  This is a long slow process but it has begun so we are that much farther ahead than we were last week.

 

#3) Saving the best for last...I got to hold her last night.  We "snuck in a hold" while they had her out of the isolette to weigh her.  The nurses decided that it was about time.  The contact is good for her (and us) as long as we can keep her temperature up and the nurse held the ventilator tubes for us so that was comfortable for her.  I leaned down to kiss her forehead and almost in response she reached her hand up and touched my face. You could not have scripted it better. T held her hand for a minute and took our picture but we couldn't have her out for too long or her temperature would drop too low.  The nurse said we could try again soon and they will wrap her all up and let me sit and rock her for a while.

 

YAY!

Random Thoughts

#1 - There are not enough hours in the day. Get up at 5:15am, pump, eat breakfast, wash dishes, get dressed, go to hospital, pump, go to work at 10:00am, pump/eat, work until 3:00pm, pump, do something constructive at home or run errands, pump, eat dinner, pump, head to the hospital, go home around 10:00pm, pump, go to bed.  Somehow I am supposed to tweak this schedule so that I can extend my working hours until 5:00pm and then go to the gym before going to the hospital in the evenings.  How?  I ask you, how?

 

#2 - My heart still aches for the mother of the 23-weeker who didn't make it.  It turns out that she had an emergency C-section, was let out of the hospital to go to the funeral and wound up right back in the hospital with a massive infection.  The nurse said her room smelled of the infection and the woman was embarrassed by it.  She has three other kids at home and I assume will not be able to rest properly in order to recover from this anytime soon.  I stare at that empty bed every day and it hurts.

 

#3 - There was a new baby admitted yesterday.  He is one bed over from Azure with an empty bed in between.  No prenatal care, they don't even know the gestational age.  He is very tiny and in "critical but stable" condition.  He is using the oscillating ventilator that the 23-weeker used and that Azure thankfully did not need after all.  I told Azure to be a good role model for him, she could be a good mentor.  I hope he follows her lead.

 

#4 - My hands are being eaten alive by the soap in the NICU.  I want to put a comforting hand on my daughter but I fear it would not be comforting but rather abrasive to her sensitive skin. For lack of a more eloquent term, this sucks.

 

#5 - Birth Control...go ahead and laugh, I'll wait...

Yeah, so T and I have decided that while we still want to have another child eventually it would probably be best for everyone involved if we did not try the whole insemination/pregnancy/trauma thing again.  We do not want to go through a pregnancy thinking that each and every day could be the day that the shit hits the fan.  We do not want to put ourselves or Azure through the stress and anxiety that would be involved.  We are thinking adoption.  This however brings up the ironic question of avoiding a now unwanted pregnancy.  (Please read this carefully, the baby would be wanted but not the pregnancy.)  Do to my utter hatred of all things hormonally BC related I am thinking diaphragm.  T wants to back this up with condoms.  The sponge is not a bad way to go but is expensive and requires water, etc. and I just think the diaphragm would be the better way to go.  Thoughts?

 

#6 - My boobs hurt. Pumping has gotten really old really fast, but...the "gut priming" has commenced and is going well so far.  She started out getting half a cc (cubic centimeter) every twelve hours and this has been increased to every six hours.  We are slowly working our way toward nursing.  There will be steps forward and back and I do not expect it to be a steady progression but we are moving in the right direction and that makes me happy.

 

#7 - Just because we can, my baby shower will still take place on April 1st.  What better way to celebrate the premature birth of an inseminated baby than on April Fool's Day?  I think it will be fun. 

How's Things?

Pretty good actually.

 

Azure no longer has the IVs in her belly so she was able to wear a shirt for the first time on Friday.  She has been sleeping peacefully most of the time for the past three days which is great.  She is maintaining her blood pressure and blood sugar and no longer needs the humidity in the isolette.  She was back up to her birth weight yesterday which is a big accomplishment.  She had a dirty diaper yesterday which they have been waiting for.  They are hoping that her bowels will show signs of maturing so they might start tube feeding soon.  If she can get milk it should really help her grow and mature and give her some antibodies to ward off evil spirits...and infections.  The steroids they are giving her for her lungs are working really well.  She was down to 29% oxygen last night which is amazing.  They turn it up when they are going to mess with her since she gets over stimulated and her oxygen saturation drops but when she is just resting on her own they can turn it down and she does just fine.  Poor thing keeps getting the hiccups though, those bother her.

T and I are exhausted above all else.  We are almost finished painting the office at home so we can move the furniture into the correct rooms and I can start assembling a nursery in the former guest room.  No rush I understand but I just want to be able to go into that room and know that it is Azure's room and that she will eventually reside there.  I want to sit in my recliner in there and pump and think that someday I will be able to nurse her there in that very spot. It is all about hope for the future.   

We went out for dinner last night since we both needed a change of scenery and a change of pace.  It was fabulous Italian food and I had 1-1/2 glasses of red wine.  It was the first alcohol that has crossed my lips since September.  The whole dinner experience was amazing.  Just being out in public and holding hands and feeling like there is some normalcy in the world did a lot to restore my sense of balance.

Now however, there are dishes to be done, painting to finish and that dog poop out back is not going to pick itself up, oh yeah, and I would like to get to the hospital at some point today.

Thank you all for your continued good wishes.  They are working!!!

 

Nothing New

Azure is doing well.  She has gotten over her breathing issues from last weekend.  The steroids they are giving her for her lungs seems to be working.  Her skin color has really come around.  She is off phototherapy, hasn't had insulin in days and seems to be holding her blood pressure steady so they stopped the Dopamine.  She is on two antibiotics to ward off whatever is making her white blood cell count so high.  She is on an oral rinse (they swab her mouth with it) to prevent thrush while she is on oxygen support.  They are adjusting her nutrition whenever she needs more/less sodium or sugar.  She is just resting comfortably and growing at this point which is exactly what we want for her.

I returned to work yesterday (part-time) and things seemed to go pretty well.  I will need to settle into a routine but I think once I have a schedule in place things will get easier and feel more comfortable.

More news when there is something to report.  At the moment we are maintaining which is just fine.