March for Babies

Monday, July 12, 2004

Deviant Fantasies

So I have this fantasy which I believe is both sick and wrong.
I get this pain on the right side of my abdomen which feels like it may be my ovary but I'm actually not sure if the placement is right. It feels like a pressure, like the ovary (if that is in deed what I'm feeling) is full to bursting with both air and fluid. It just feels swollen to the point where it may burst any minute. I can feel it both in my abdomen and in my lower back, as if there is a rod that goes straight through me. All one continuous pain.
So here is the sick and wrong part...
I fantasize about having a large syringe-type needle which I could stick into my abdomen, right into that ovary and first let out the air in a small "Pssstttshshshshshshsh" sort of way and then drain out all the fluid. This sounds like it would actually feel good, like relief. I'm sure those of you who have gone through injectibles or an amnio will think I'm a complete moron for actually day dreaming of poking my tummy in this manner, but you have to understand that this seems to be the most direct and quite honestly the only way to relieve this pressure.
Ya gotta love Stage I Endo when you feel pain every day and your doctor looks at you like you're bonkers because there is very little to show for it once she gets you on the operating table. Excuse me for not backing up my pain with any actual physical evidence. My bad. Why couldn't I be one of those Stave IV Endo people who don't feel any pain? (It is strange how this disease does not correlate severity with pain.)
So, now you all can go about your days thinking I'm a freak...and possibly a masochist, and be glad how very normal you are compared to me. Just wanted to make you feel better about yourself anyway.