March for Babies

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

My Silence Spoke 1,000 Words

I think I figured out the communication error happening between T and I regarding TTC. He said to me last night that he thinks that it really won't be as hard to have a baby as I think. He said it will probably be pretty easy. Yes he said the word "easy". As we were having this conversation in bed, in the dark, he could not see the facial expression that the word "easy" elicited, however, my silence must have spoken volumes about what his comment had meant to me. He stammered a minute and immediately tried to explain his choice in words. He doesn't mean that he could wink at me and I would be knocked up. What he is saying is that my body, having only Stage 1 Endo, is not so bad off as someone's body who has Stage 4. He thinks that because my degree of disease is low, that my degree of fertility should be relatively high, only slightly lower than a Fertile. More silence. He then agreed that my insides are not 100% but that he thinks with a little help from the Clomid it should function as a Fertile's would. Hmm. (In my mind I'm thinking of the fact that I went off the pill one year and 11 months ago. I have been charting loyally since my lap in April and we have had excellent chances, according to my charts, each of those months. He is starting the TTC journey next month with my first round of Clomid, I started long ago. I know this doesn't seem very long to some of you, but as I said, I'm not going to sit around here and watch nothing happen, if natural conception doesn't happen we're pulling up our sleeves and getting the ball rolling. I've just been pushing a bit harder than he has up until this point.)
This is when I told him about the blogland discussion a while ago about knowing when enough is enough. I said that I am not one of those people who will try to get pregnant until I drop dead or we get divorced. If I don't have T then the rest of it doesn't mean as much to me. He comes first, WE come first. (Once I am pregnant or the children are here and we are parents then they become OUR #1 priority, until then, the marriage gets top billing.) Then he said "whatever it takes" is what we will do to have children. *groan* I thought he meant IVF with ICSI and PGD, etc. No, that's not what he meant. He said if we come to a fork in the road and we need to make a decision between future treatments and adoption, then we move on to adoption. The adoption would be the necessary means. He considers it just another means to and end, which made me so happy I can't even tell you. He doesn't get it all the time, how much the fear of TTC has been a cloud over my head for the last 11 years. He doesn't know all the tears that I have cried at the thought of the struggle I've seen ahead of us. I've cried about things I haven't gone through yet, because I have seen those things in my future. Now I'm at the edge, about to jump in with both feet, my eyes are closed, I'm holding his hand, and up until now I didn't know if he was willing to jump with me. I think now that he is, where we land, who knows. I think the road will be a bit rougher than he thinks it will be, but we're making the trip together.