March for Babies

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Time Has Come...

Way back in my pre-TTC days I was depressed and anxious and wanting to find other people who might understand my fears about TTC. I happened upon a group of FABULOUS gals from all over the US, Canada and even Australia and Japan who were also trying to start families while dealing with Endometriosis and other medical issues. We all seemed to click well with each other and had some issues with newbies flitting in and out of "our" message board so we defected and started a board of our own. Invitation only, password protected, etc. These ladies have been a wonderful source of strength and support for me.
One day, one of them suggested I read two blog posts. One by GetupGrrl and one by ALittlePregnant, Julie. I read them both and laughed until I cried. I was amazed at this whole new world that had opened up before me. I started clicking through blogrolls and found SO MANY women who seemed to understand what I was facing. There were veterans and newbies and people with such varying interests and accomplishments. I lurked for about a month, posted a few responses here and there and then I dove in head first. I started blogging myself.
My number one reason for starting this blog was my own selfish need to journal. I didn't have the time, energy or privacy at home to do it in a hand-written format and I really spent a lot of time thinking while at work, and once in a while I needed to be able to vent those thoughts while still at the office. I thought a blog would allow me the access from home or office and there would only be this little side complication of the fact that ANYONE and EVERYONE could read it. I decided that if Grrl could keep her identity to herself, so could I. So, Blue was born. I cannot remember exactly when I started, I do not know exactly how many posts I have posted. I do know that I am so very thankful I had this blog when I needed it most. That, of course, would be when Azure was born. The support I received was overwhelming and the advice was priceless. If it had not been for reading A Little Pregnant and Miss W I would not have been even a quarter prepared for our time in the NICU. My husband was in awe of my composure that first night, but I knew what I was looking at. I knew what to do. I knew what to ask because I had been through it already, with Charlie and the Lowercase. (See? I have gotten so lazy I do not even provide links anymore!)
All these years I have felt the need to write and the even stronger need to read other's blogs. That is, until now. I have been unsettled, unsure of my way and I looked to others for guidance and direction. I do not feel that way any longer. It has been almost a month and a half since my last post. I do not feel the need, or even the desire, to write anymore. I hate to make it sound like, "I got my kid! Life is great! No need for the blog anymore!" On the other hand, that is sort of how it is. I have written many times that this blog was going to chronicle my journey to become the parent of two children. I swore up and down that I would not stop after one child because that was not the end goal. There would be so much more to the story! The thing is, there may or may not be a second child. I hope there is, eventually an adoption story. I would very much like Azure to have a sibling. The adoption though is third on the current priority list.
#1 - Get out of debt (plan already in action)
#2 - Move to a nicer house/neighborhood
#3 - Adopt
So you see, there is going to be a good 3-5 year wait from now until adoption talk and I just don't feel I can leave this blog hanging until that time comes.
The time has come for me to stop writing. I do still have my bloglines subscriptions and will continue to keep up with the handful of people I cannot bear to walk away from. I do hope those of you who have gotten to "know" me will keep in touch via email (bluetrunks at I will leave the blog up at least for a little while. I have gotten comments from new readers on old posts, especially dealing with preemie issues and the NICU.
This has been something I have thought about a lot in the last couple of weeks. I keep coming back to the same thought. I have been a big fan of Stephen King's series The Gunslinger. In it, Roland, the main character spoke repeatedly about how things had been in the old days, but that the world had moved on. I think that is what has happened to me. I have moved on from my blogging. Like leaving therapy, I feel it has been extremely beneficial and I feel a bit apprehensive about it, but I think in the end, it will be just fine. I still have the message board with my friends who post on a regular basis (none of whom know about this blog, except possibly one who is also named Blue and who just hasn't told me she reads this out of respect for my supposed anonymity). I think I will be able to look back at this time in my life and tell Azure that without the wonderful support of the Internets, her mother would have fallen apart just when she needed to be at her strongest.
I will be lurking and commenting from time to time.
I will not say good-bye, I will say, "See ya 'round!"
Thanks for Everything!
Blue :0)

Friday, April 06, 2007

After Falling Off the Face of the Earth...Again

Well, I am happy to report that I have been so busy since my last post that I haven't even had time to freak out about Azure's eyesight. Many, many thanks to Miss W for her first-hand account of Duane's and helping me to calm the fuck down. It helped immensely! We will keep our eyes on her and have her checked carefully again in six months.

Since we last met the following things have transpired:

We took a family vacation three states away to visit T's brother, SIL, and nephews, one of which is a newborn. Holy Cow is that a tiny baby! At 6.5-pounds he seemed so minuscule and fragile. To put things into perspective, that would be an entire pound heavier than Azure was when she came home from the hospital! *gasp* That was ten months ago! How is that possible?

I have started working four 10-hour days with the intention of staying home one day a week with Azure. We can also schedule all of our (hers and mine) doctor's appointments on that day, thus preventing me from having to give my boss a color coded chart as to when I can actually work or not. Win-Win!

The transmission in T's car puked so we have been borrowing my MIL's HUGE VAN for the past couple of weeks while we are waiting for the repairs to be completed. Neither of us likes driving the HUGE VAN (full-sized conversion van as opposed to soccer-mom-mini-van). I have lucked out in the fact that the car seat is already in my car and I have farther to drive than he does so it just makes sense that he should have to drive "The Van-Mobile". Poor guy.

I took our nanny and my cousin to see the show "Chicago!" We had a blast. Before the show we were having a quick bite to eat in the lobby area and looking over people's shoulders at the items for sale at the souvenir counter. I suddenly noticed a tall man standing behind the counter wearing a black T-shirt and black baseball cap. I said to my companions, "Wow! That guy looks just like Tom Wopat!" Then I looked again and I said, "Holy Cow! That IS Tom Wopat!" I had no idea he was playing Billy in the show. I was totally blown away and actually a little proud of myself for recognizing him out of context. Now, you must realize that when I was six-years-old if I made my bed every day then I was allowed to watch "The Dukes of Hazzard" on Friday night. That was my allowance! So, to be standing less than ten feet from one of my childhood heroes when I didn't expect it threw me for a bit of a loop. I stood in line and waited my turn and when I got up to the front I told him that I had been a fan for a "long time" (not wanting to date either of us with the actual number of years). I bought one of his CDs and he signed it for me (with my name and everything!) and stood there while my nanny fumbled her way through trying to take our picture with my new cell phone camera. I was over the moon the rest of the day. I totally met Tom Wopat! The bad part is...neither the 22-year-old or 16-year-old that I was with had any idea who he was. They were all like, "Um, Okaaaaay." Sheesh, kids these days! When exactly did 32 become Over-the-Hill?

Speaking of my new cell phone, I got one of these. I LOVE it! I am all mobile and yet still all email and Internet accessible and it ROCKS! I use my phone more for email than for calling anyway so the full keyboard is fabulous, but I actually get better call reception on this than I did on my old flip-phone. Oh yeah, and it takes and sends still pictures and video which my grandparents love because I can send them up to the minute updates on Azure.

Speaking of whom...someone did not get her nap this afternoon and is now demanding my attention.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


That, that sound, was the sound of the other shoe dropping. It has been coming. I have said it before. Things cannot possibly go this well indefinitely.

Azure is still thriving, she is still smart, she is still pulling herself up to standing (and letting go occasionally) every chance she gets and crawling all over the place. She is smiley and babbling like crazy.


Houston, we have a problem.

Yesterday was our follow up visit with the pediatric ophthalmologist who has been checking her for ROP since long before she left the NICU. She initially had Stage 1 which cleared up on its own and her retinas are just fine now.


She is showing more than one symptom of having Duane Retraction Syndrome, Type 1. A congenital neurological disorder of the eyes that appears in only 1-5% of the population. In essence it is a birth defect caused by a teratogenic experience somewhere between 3-8 weeks gestation. (Common causes are Thalidomide or Fetal Alcohol poisoning, neither which explain why Azure has this.) The only thing I can come up with is that 4 weeks past IUI, I was in my first ever car accident when an elderly couple T-boned my car while I was out at lunch one day. The day before my "6 week" ultrasound at the RE's office. Could that car accident be the cause of Azure's eye disorder? Not the actual impact, I walked away without a scratch (though my head was a little tender where it hit the side window), no big deal, but what about the stress and adrenaline? My car was fixed and back on the road in about a week and as far as we could tell there were no consequences for the pregnancy at the time. (The other driver was found at fault but not ticketed despite the fact that he did not have a valid drivers license.)

But what if...

*Deep breath innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, Holllllllllllllllllllllllllllld, Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale*

Like I said, my daughter is gorgeous and happy and the center of my world. She may have to get used to wearing glasses in about 6 months or so, but those beautiful blue eyes will still twinkle when she smiles.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

How Blue Got Her Groove Back

I wrote a short while ago about how I was having to work at my marriage for the first time and never had any time for myself. I guess that was not entirely accurate. We have worked on our relationship all along, I just never focused on it before. For the most part, it has been an easy time the past 19 years (6 married). Things are better than they were even a month ago. I credit the fact that I have been actively trying to spend time with T. I saw us sitting at opposite ends of the couch and I got myself up and moved over next to him. I stop him when we pass each other in the kitchen and give him a hug and kiss, just because. I have read that making LOVE into a verb can do wonders for your relationship. I think I am finding that is true. For T’s part, he has started watching Azure so that I can go to the gym. This is a HUGE thing for us. He is spending time with his daughter and getting more comfortable caring for her and I get time.…alone (Ok, technically I am surrounded by other gym-goers, but plugged into my headphones I am in my own little world). Ahh. Now that is the ticket! We have also made plans to spend some time together, specifically, he is going to help me improve my chess game.

Step two. I remembered a passage from a book I read years ago which said if you think of yourself as a sexy confidant woman, others will see you that way too. Now, I have 40 or so pounds to lose (again), so I have imposed the fake-it-until-you-make-it theory. I have a little help with this as well, since I just got my first pair of black square-toed cowboy boots and I am living it up. I LOVE them. I also died my hair. My natural blondness has been darkening over the years and I almost lost it all when I cut my hair last summer. Since then I have tried a few different lightening/highlighting products, none of which I really liked. I finally just died it blonde which I liked, until the roots started showing. Blehck! So, I thought I should find something a bit closer to my natural color. Not brown, but a bit darker than my beloved golden locks. I went red. I am now "Blush Blond" and I love it! I was strawberry blond as a baby and everyone always wondered if I would be the red head in the Irish Elephant family. Now I am. Basically, I have put a little swagger in my step and my mood is improving! Yay!

Step three. T and I talked about how we BOTH individually have felt the weight of the world on our shoulders over the past year (me taking care of Azure 24/7 and he doing EVERYTHING else) and how we feel that we are at the point where we can start getting our old lives back. The life we had before Azure was born, the life we wanted to add her to. We are attempting to leave behind Preemie-hood and move forward to Family-with-a-toddler-hood. We also are actively working our way out of debt. His goal is to move to a newer house in a nicer (safer) neighborhood. My goal is to afford an adoption after that move. Win-Win.

In other news, my kid ROCKS! She had surgery last Thursday to repair the damaged tissue on her arm from the electrode that first week in the NICU. Not only did she do a fabulous job before the surgery (considering there was a two hour delay and she was not allowed anything to eat or drink) but afterwards as well. She has an immobilizer on her arm to keep her from pulling at the stitches/surgical glue and she has adapted to it SO easily. She is still pulling herself up and crawling all over the place like it is not even there. She fights me when I put it on her, she would of course prefer that it not be there, but it doesn’t seem to phase her in the least once that Velco is sealed up. I am so impressed with my daughter I do not even know where to begin. We even had our first (and hopefully last) experience of pooping in the tub an Sunday! While I might have been overheard to say, "Oh!, Oh Wow!" I did follow up with a quick, "Mommy is not mad at you Sweetie, we just need to get things cleaned up a bit." All the while I was thinking, Oh Gross! Ewwww, Bleaeaeahck! I suppose I knew this day would come, and now it has. Check that one off the list of milestones, write it down in the baby book and move on.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

This Week

  • Valentine's Day - Loved it! My 19th as T's Valentine.  I got me a goodun.
  • A First Birthday - Loved it!  With cupcakes, books, toys, clothes and so many people who care about Azure.  Just fabulous.
  • A Decision was made- Azure will not have a biological sibling.  *Whew!*
  • The Daytona 500 - WTF? It was Mark's big chance, where the Hell did Harvick come from on the final lap?!?!?!?!
  • Awaiting a new nephew - Any time now...
  • New stuff at work which I cannot write about because it is about work but man are we shaking things up!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Deep Thoughts by Blue Trunks

Lately I find myself contemplating things. I have not made any firm decisions but I do seem to be leaning in particular directions. This is a new thing for me. I usually rush to make a decision and then either stick by it or change my mind later based on new information or greater perspectives.

  • I have been offered the chance to work a flex-time schedule. I would work 4 days a week, 10 hours per day and have one day off during the week to spend with Azure. The immediate emotional response to this offer was, "Yes! Of course, yes!" but there is a lot more to consider. The nanny who relies on working for us two days each week for her livelihood. The fact that the nanny and my parents would need to start watching Azure an hour earlier each day they have her. The fact that those things that I do in the morning would now have to be done the night before because there just wouldn't be time otherwise (and no, I will not get up an hour earlier than I do now. 5:30am is early enough, thanx.) Will my tight stressful schedule actually relax with one day during the week to schedule doctor appointments, run errands, clean, shop, read(?), go to the gym (?), actually take time for myself (?)? In the end it might work out for the best but it all seems so overwhelming to me right now. There are many factors to consider and I want to make sure I don't skip over anything in my rush towards the four-day work week.
  • Azure is turning one year old on Saturday. We have been in a rush to finish working on the basement so that it will be finished for the parties. Yes, that was plural. My husband has decided that we cannot fit everyone in our house for one celebration so we are now locked into four separate parties. Two at our house, one at my parent's house and one at a restaurant. I figured we would keep it simple and buy all the food heat n' serve style but we both missed some time off of work last week and had some car repairs and a vet bill we were not expecting so the money is a bit tighter than we thought it would be when we (I) first started planning things. These might turn out to be very casual affairs.
  • Poor Maggie-Dog ended up spending the night at the vet last week. She was chasing her tail and licking herself more than usual. It was obviously bothering her. Turns out she had an infection in one of her anal glands. They had to sedate her to empty it and she is now on antibiotics. She doesn't need the pain pills anymore but she is drinking like crazy and eats snow the second she steps outside. T was shoveling the driveway last night and I said we should just let Maggie eat it clear. Win-Win! EXCEPT...she also has to PEE all the time now that she is so thirsty. How is it that I am blessed with a baby who sleeps through the night with only rare exceptions and I end up taking my dog out in the freezing cold at 3am so she can pee and eat more snow? Something just isn't right there. Oh, and T slept through it all, didn't know I had even been out of bed much less got dressed up in coat and boots and took the dog out! Brrrrrr!
  • We have scheduled the reconstructive surgery for Azure's scar. She has a scar on her upper arm from a lead the first week in the NICU when her skin was so sensitive (transparent). We have the approval from all of her doctors including the cardiologist. They suggest it is better to do it now before she is so active she could rip out the stitches. Ummm. Yeah. She is SO mobile! She is crawling and pulling up to standing and letting go and falling down. She has NEVER not been active. We'll see how that goes. Anyway, I am now in that state of questioning whether I made the right decision regarding the surgery. While I am 95% convinced it is the right thing to do and better sooner than later I just heard about a friend's husband's surgery that went horribly wrong and he is now in BIG trouble in the ICU. Very scary stuff. His was a different type of surgery but you know how these things transform in one's mind to all be the same thing and scary and lead to freaking right.the.Hell.out.
  • Valentine's Day has me thinking that T and I have been so busy with the everyday-ness of our lives that we seem to have lost our romantic closeness. I do not mean sex, though that happens less these days too. I mean we bought a big sectional couch a year ago (while I was still pregnant) with the thought that we could snuggle together on it rather than have one person on the couch and the other person sitting in the chair across the room. So where do we find ourselves sitting? In the diagonal opposite corners of the new couch! Actually farther away than we were before! I want to do something about this. I have found myself working at my marriage which I have never had to do before. Then again we will be celebrating our 7th anniversary this fall. I do not believe in the seven year itch, especially since we have been a couple for almost 20 years. I just miss him and our time together.
  • All of these things have me contemplating the second child issue again. (I know, you are thinking, "Blue! Enough with the 2nd kid debate! Make up your mind and be done with it!") The thing is, my entire life and then as a joint decision with T my life plan was to have two children. Now I am not so sure. This is new territory for me so I need to think about it carefully. As much as I like the idea of giving Azure a sibling, (And to be perfectly honest, I want her to have a sister. Nothing against boys per se, but I would just LOVE to see two little girls playing together.) I am just not sure I want to add the additional work and chaos to my life. At least not right now. (Again, you are thinking, "Blue! No one is holding a gun to your head. You do not have to make this decision right away!") Which of course is true. However, I have decided that my progesterone-only birth control pills are not working for me and so I need to come up with another option. My favorite choice being a copper IUD but that is an expensive and long-term option if I decide to change my mind in a couple of years. *sigh*
  • Finally, I feel so badly for A-N Smith's daughter. She lost her brother, her mother and is now going to be dragged through several court battles to determine who will get to raise her and where and with or without the money. She will be plagued by the events of the past year her entire life and she didn't even get to know the people involved. She will be told by others about her family which will of course color her view of them. It is just a shame. Poor girl who never asked for any of this and doesn't deserve it.

Do you see why I am having trouble sleeping at night? All of these things swimming around in my head and I just cannot stop them. I need to hire a personal assistant to think for me so I no longer have to do it.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Out of Nowhere

The other night T and I sat down to eat dinner and enjoy one of our favorite shows According to Jim. This particular episode included the birth of Dana's baby. Her water broke while sitting at the kitchen table and Jim had to take her to the hospital. My first complaint was that she grabbed the top of her belly when her water broke. It may not be the case with everyone, but when my water broke I felt it MUCH lower. My second complaint was the fact that when she walked toward the door, she looked awfully dry for someone whose water had just broken. T and I exchanged a look remembering the giant gross puddle I ended up sitting in when my own water broke. I know some people feel a trickle, mine was a "massive rupture". I forgave the show quickly however when they had Jim slip on the "wet" kitchen floor, but that is probably just my own sick sense of humor.
So there they were, at the hospital, Dana in labor, stuck with her BIL instead of her husband or sister for support. T said things were turning bad, very bad, and he may not want to watch the rest of the episode. They didn't actually show any part of the pushing or birth, but it put us right back to our own experience last year. Last February. Almost a full year ago now. (How did that happen? My how time flies when you spend a full quarter of the year in the hospital with your baby!)
We discussed it a bit. How on that Monday I had suffered from back spasms which I thought were due to the long car ride home from our Valentine's Babymoon weekend up north. I called T at work and told him that a co-worker was taking me down to L&D just to be on the safe side. I told him to stay at work and I would call if he needed to come down. I was given an Rx for Vicodin and told to call my doctor if I felt regular contractions or had bloody show, etc. and I went back to work the rest of the afternoon. That same evening T and I went to our follow-up ultrasound to check the volume of amniotic fluid. It looked just a bit high, not bad. Oh, and by the way, the baby was head down. (I actually thought how strange it was that the tech pointed this out, we still had 16 weeks to go, the baby will surely flip and move quite a bit before we need to worry about her being in the correct position. No?)
I never filled the script for the Vicodin and by Wednesday the back spasms were completely gone. I remember because I had a massage that day and I was telling my massage therapist about them but that they were better.
Thursday afternoon I started feeling menstrual type cramps. I remember feeling rather horrible all evening. I propped myself up on the couch to rest my swollen feet and worked on organizing my new and improved filing system for bills, etc. I slept like crap that night because I was constantly getting up to pee and could not shake the pain in my bladder. Ugh!
Friday morning I listened to Azure's heartbeat (which was just fine) on the doppler since I was concerned there wouldn't be enough room for her in there with all the added pressure in my belly from what I thought was my first ever bladder infection. (I kept repeating to myself that UTIs are common in pregnancy.) I went to work.
We were busy and short staffed that day so I put off calling the doctor until a more convenient time later in the morning. My friend at work told me I looked like I was either sick or in pain. I said, "Yes!" I finally decided after yet another trip to the bathroom that I couldn't put it off any longer. They told me to go down to L&D to get a urine test, again, just to be sure. The same co-worker offered to drive me down to the hospital again but as I was actually feeling BETTER than I had on Monday with the back spasms and I didn't want to end up at the hospital without a car again I convinced him to let me drive myself. To this day I do not think he has forgiven me for this. He feels so incredibly guilty for letting me go off on my own. What if...
I called T on my cell as I was pulling out of the parking lot and told him I was on my way back downtown. He said if it hadn't been the second time that week he probably would have stayed at work again. Thank goodness he didn't. If he had waited there would not have been time for him to get there for the birth once things started to happen. If he hadn't been there already he probably would have gotten a call from a nurse saying I was in labor and he would have killed himself in a high-speed crash on his way. If, if, if...
As we were rehashing all of these details, sitting snuggly on our livingroom couch, I began to shiver. I actually got the shakes just thinking about it all again. I am talking full-body shakes that made my voice quiver. Recently, I had been thinking about posting about how I thought I was over the trauma of Azure's birth. About how I can go pick up her prescriptions from the hospital pharmacy and look up at those windows on the 8th floor, and know what is happening behind those panes of glass with their partially drawn vertical blinds without feeling sick. About how well I am doing now. I guess I need to qualify that with mostly. I am mostly over the trauma, I am mostly doing well. It is just every once in a while something like a TV show, or a comment, or a glimse at an early picture can send me right back to where I had been.
The thing that is helping me the most is Azure's continued progress. She had her check up with the early intervention nurse yesterday who had given us a test to complete with her. I was concerned only with the communication since she is not saying the ma-ma, da-da, ga-ga sounds they asked about. The nurse told me this was no problem since she is quite verbal and saying the vowel sounds (vowels are more important than consonants apparently). She said, "She isn't delayed in anything!" My beautiful, brilliant, getting-more-mobile-every-minute daughter no longer needs early intervention services because there is nowhere to intervene. She is right on target for her corrected age. Could she need help in the future? Sure, maybe. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, she is perfect. I keep telling people she wasn't premature, she was advanced placement! (She IS descended from a Nobel Prize winner afterall!)
She is helping me to heal. She is saving me yet again.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Girl is Growing Up

This past weekend we discovered that she:

  • weighs 15 pounds 7 ounces and is 26 inches long

  • has two teeth erupting through...slowly

  • LOVES those puffy star finger food things

  • can sleep quite well in her crib in the nursery as opposed to the bedside bassinet

  • can without fail poop extactly one minute before we need to leave the house

Here she is seen playing with her favorite part of this tummy time toy. The red button which makes it switch from the floor position to the upright play-gym position. Who needs bells and whistles when we've got red buttons?

Here she displays the fact that her own feet are no longer good enough to chew on now that she has teeth. She has moved on to bigger and better (?) things, meaning my own feet. Let me tell you, having your big toe bitten by a two toothed tot gets your attention!

Friday, January 19, 2007

One Lump or Two?

Julie posted about wanting a second child and wanting another pregnancy as the means of getting that child. I did not feel right leaving my entire response in the comments because, as I have become aware, my replies seem to be quite self-centered and in this case, long winded. This is the place where I should write about myself. So here goes…

T and I have agreed not to discuss having a second child until next summer. This will hopefully get us to a place where we are more stable financially and more balanced in our day to day activities. Right now we are flying by the seat of our pants trying to get everything done while we are both working overtime and trying to spend as much time with Azure as possible. This is not easy livin’.

We have discussed it some, enough so that we know that we agree on several points.
#1 – We are both turning 32 this year. We would like our child obtaining via either pregnancy or adoption) to be completed by the time we are 35. We do not want to be in our early 40s with very young children.

#2 – We are both terrified of a second pregnancy. I have been told that 13 weeks into pregnancy my doctor wants to place a cervical cerclage. I foresee bedrest and another preterm birth. Who would take care of Azure while I am on bedrest? My mother would be the natural choice but I cannot and will not just assume that she will do this. If she volunteers to do this and makes that commitment to our family and to the prospect of another grandchild I may take her up on it, but I will not ask her to do this.

#3 – We do not want to go through the NICU experience again. We did it once and we got through it relatively easily. We had WONDERFUL nurses to support us and my parents went to visit Azure several days a week so she had family with her every single day even once I went back to work. But, we again have Azure to think about. She would not be allowed in the NICU, which means someone would have to watch her while we were at the hospital. We also have Maggie to think about. Our poor dog who has been through so much and has suffered by not getting the exercise she really should in the past year. She is a special needs dog. She requires special attention. I would not have it any other way, I love her dearly and do not want to do this to her again. I also do not want to do that to the new baby. At this point, I have to assume that any future baby will have a stay in the NICU and that would be something that we inflicted upon him or her. I cannot willingly do that to someone, especially my own baby. I would have given anything if I could have suffered through the hospital experience instead of Azure but there was nothing I could do about it then. I can choose not to do that to my next child.

#4 – As much planning as we could do to prepare for possible bedrest situations, there is nothing we could do about the anxiety we would both feel about the pregnancy itself. I fear a self-fulfilling prophecy of worrying myself into preterm labor, or the funny farm. I do not like either option. It would not be good for our marriage or for Azure.

#5 – We feel like we have hit the jackpot with Azure. She is a happy, healthy growing little girl who brightens up our lives and has completely captured our hearts. As much as we would like for her to have a sibling, we cannot expect to hit the jackpot again. We are afraid that we used up all of our Karma getting her home safe and healthy. We both remember all too well walking into the NICU and seeing empty beds, which housed babies the day before. We knew which ones went home and which ones did not. Those memories stick with us just as much as the good ones, maybe more so.

I am afraid to attempt another pregnancy. I think T feels the same way.

I am also starting to question my own motives for wanting a second child. I want it for Azure, so that she will have a sibling, not so that I can experience having another baby. I want her to have someone to grow up with, to play with, to conspire with, and against. I want her to have what I did not have. Is that a good reason?

This leads us to adoption. Second Child sans Pregnancy equals Adoption. (Surrogacy seems to freak T right the fuck out so I do not see us going down that road.) As much as I was ready to sign that deposit check and get the adoption show on the road before we conceived Azure I find myself hesitating now. Partly because I am so happy with my daughter and I wonder if I really want to go back to the mindset of wanting a child. I struggled under the mental and emotional weight of infertility for many years. I am no longer in that struggle and, like high school, I do not wish to go back. Even knowing what I know now, I do not want to put myself in that position again.

We cannot afford to adopt right now and a second child would mean me quitting my job to stay home since the daycare for two kids would eat up my pay anyway. So, we need to get to a place financially where we can put some money away, quickly, for an adoption to take place in the next three years or so (to fit into our age 35 agreement). I would be willing to adopt a slightly older child, maybe up to 6 years old, but this child would have to be younger than Azure at the time of the adoption. This of course would allow us to push back our own age limits the older the kids get, see?

I can also see us putting off adoption in order to save the money and then never getting around to it. If that turns out to be the case then I think I would be Ok with that too. I can see us living a very happy life with Azure as an only child. I could allow her to have friends over to play and take a friend along on family vacations, etc. I can see us having a child and a dog and having a very happy comfortable life. As long as I do not get to midlife and regret not having another child, I would be the happiest woman alive. That is another fear I have. I fear future regret. I do not want the 62-year-old version of myself to look back and call the 32-year-old version of myself a coward.

To Summarize:
I fear pregnancy.
I fear raising an only child.
I fear we will not be able to afford adoption in the time constraints we have allowed ourselves.
I fear looking back and regretting the decisions I am making now due to fear.
I have about five months to figure out my position before T and I begin discussions.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


I am still sick. The labyrinthitis has cleared up so I can look at immovable objects and no longer think that they, or I, am spinning. However, the cold/flu which brought that on in the first place is still here/back again. Crap! T is still/again sick and worse than me. We have been battling these ills for about a month now and we would both very much like to feel better. We continue to work overtime and take care of Azure and the dog and somehow keep the household running. There has to be an end, really, sometime soon.

Azure has amazingly remained healthy and happy. How does she do it? I have decided she actually exists in a different dimension. She keeps coming up with the best case scenario. She has officially started teething though there are no actual teeth as proof just yet. The copious amounts of drool that was her everyday norm has been turned up a notch to Holy-Cow-The-Drool! status. She has a runny nose and bright red cheeks and is napping when it suits her fancy. She is LOVING the solid foods and has started to plump up a bit. She actually has a belly now! She has also started trying to crawl. I say trying because she has only been able to scoot herself backwards so far. She'll get there soon though, she is ready to go. She hates to sit still. I must babyproof!!!!!

I would love to make this a nice long post but I just feel like crap and can't think straight. This is my fourth attempt at writing even what I have here so I think we'll leave it at this.

Thursday, January 11, 2007


I have been grounded. Go directly home, do not pass go, do not collect $200 and for goodness sakes do not drive yourself!

I was right, I have Labyrinthitis. Resulting from the still present sinus infection (my first ever officially diagnosed sinus infection!) and all the pressure built up in my Eustachian tubes. I had my mom take me to the med center yesterday so that I could get the pills I had last time that made the world stop spinning so that I could drive myself to work today. Trouble is, the doctor said I am still contagious and I need to rest to get over this thing so he wrote me a doctor's note saying I should not go back until Monday. I actually have an honest to goodness doctor's note excusing me from work for the next two days! I feel like I am in elementary school or something! I would go to work if someone would drive me. See, the pills I wanted that make the world stop spinning so that I can drive are also a strong sedative so I am not supposed to drive while taking them. !!!!!!!!

My mother came this morning and took the baby for the day, she would have had her all day while I was at work anyway so no big strain there. I am now home, not supposed to drive and no baby or husband around. Just me and the dog. I have been wanting a day like this so that I can get some things done but I am supposed to be resting. T said he is requiring 75% rest, the other 25% can be chores done slowly throughout the day.

Time to nap. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


I have a cold/cough/flu sort of thing. I think it may have taken up residence in my inner ear since I awoke at 2:30am to the feeling of the room spinning wildly about me. Yes, I was laying down at the time. No, I was not drunk. I FEEL drunk though. I did go into the bathroom thinking I might revisit what was left of my dinner but the nausea passed. I am left with the vertigo. I have had this before. It is called Labyrinthitis. Fun stuff. They give you pills to make the images your eyes are seeing correspond with the messages your brain is receiving because if they don’t you feel, well, tipsy.

How many computers are sitting in front of me right now?

How many attempts did it take to write that last sentence?

It is Wednesday and my doctor’s office is closed.

This isn’t necessarily a BAD feeling. One usually must consume large amounts of alcohol or some other mind altering substance to feel this way. I am getting it FREE!

What about Azure? What if I drop her, or trip, or just fall over?

What if I crash my car on the way home tonight? I could pass a blood alcohol test but probably not a roadside sobriety test at this point.

I am so tired. I need to sleep. Someone wake me up when it is time to go home.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Visitors Messing Up My Day

So the holidays came and went. (A great time was had by all, thank you!) I am now dealing with three visitors on which I had not planned.

The first is a former national leader who is being laid to rest in my home town today. Believe it or not I had to adjust Azure's childcare for the day as I have multiple family members taking part in the private funeral this afternoon. One of those family members is participating at the special request of the former national leader's family. I passed by the official former national leader's museum this morning on my way to work and took note of the armed gunmen on the roof. There are Secret Service and FBI agents all over town. Roads are closed and people keep hearing planes flying overhead ensuring a safe airspace. If I grew up in Washington D.C. I may be used to this sort of thing, but as they keep repeating on the local news here, this is the biggest logistical/historical event to happen in our city, like, ever. One note of interest is that my grandmother's picture is hanging in the official former national leader's museum as she taught ballet with this particular national leader's wife way back in the day. (I have small indirect claims to fame.)

The second visitor is AF who decided that after all of our time apart she just couldn't wait an entire month to see me again. After only two weeks she is back full force and I can't say that I am overly happy to see her again so soon. Hopefully this is a fluke and I will not be on the two week plan in the long term. If that is the case we will be ditching the progesterone only bcps and going back to non-functioning ute land.

The third and most unwelcome of the three visitors is a cold/flu/virus combo sort of thing. It started out as a bit of a sore throat with some sinus pressure, then it worked itself up to full body aches with chills and a low fever and today it has rounded itself out to a scratchy sore throat and a "productive cough" which brings up some bad tasting shit. I am taking Azure in for her Synagis shot this afternoon and will keep my fingers crossed as I knock on wood that she has not been sick since leaving the hospital and hope that she remains healthy despite my own personal path towards a sloven lump on the floor. My voice is gone so I can only croak like a frog or bark like a seal. I hope I do not end up answering the phone at work today.

I think it is possible that visitors two and three are actually my body's way of tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Excuse me Blue, you are a woman who is working full-time and raising an infant who requires a bit of extra attention. You are worn out. Slow the Fuck Down!" The big question of 2007 will be whether I listen to my body or beat it into submission. Care to place any bets?