March for Babies

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

In this installment of Dr. WaitnSee...The Cyst

The Big Bad Cyst is on the right ovary and is 5cm x 2cm.  She couldn't feel it during the exam.  Not really that much to worry about.  If/When I get my next period I will have another u/s to see if it is bigger or smaller.  If it is bigger then we will take the month off of Clomid.  If it is smaller then we will up the Clomid to 100mg.
The real fun came when I told T that I have a lab slip for him to get his first SA.  This lead to quite a few amusing comments through course of the night.  Basically he crafted a scenario where the lab bathroom turns into a sleazy 25-cent peep show booth with sticky porn magazines and stains on the walls.  He said he wants to bring his own magazine and a black light to inspect things before he gets down to business.  He had me rolling on the floor when he imitated Al Bundy heading off to the bathroom with the newspaper under his arm, only with T it was a porn magazine and he was holding the cup in the other hand. He asked if I could go in with him, I told him I didn't know the rules about that.  Then he asked whether I could just spit into the cup, if that would be acceptable.  I told him probably not.
We talked about IUI and IVF and Injectibles and how neither one of us wants to take a month off but we don't want to increase the Clomid and make things worse.  We talked about how neither one of us wants me to take birth control for a month since they cause me major pain in the Endo areas along with joint pain in my hips and knees. Oh yeah, and birth control is sort of defeating the purpose at this point. 
I told him I feel like we are just putting in our time until we can adopt.  He wants me to remain positive.  I've never been positive.  He said adoption was our worse case scenario which isn't really a bad thing at all.  I told him how my main goal in all of this is to be a mother, not to be pregnant or give birth.  While I think those things would be really great experiences I will not forgo the former for the latter.
He kept cracking jokes through out our talk and kept apologizing saying that we should be serious.  I told him to keep joking because we have to keep laughing, otherwise it gets too damn depressing.  I think he understood that. 
So, in true Dr. WaitnSee fashion, we are once again waiting to see where we need to go. 
The good news is according to her scale I am down 18 pounds since I was there in October (evidenced by the safety pin holding my pants up since I haven't had time to move the buttons yet).  She said the weight loss will definitely help.
I guess I feel like we are in the same place we were before I went to see her.  We are still in the 2WW and won't know anything more until after then.  So, I shall continue to wait.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties...

I have been waiting to post until after my doctor's appointment this afternoon since until then I will still have absolutely no idea what I am facing with the whole cyst thing.  I don't know its size, what side it is on or how much trouble it may be causing.  I know I O'd on CD15 and am now 8DPO.  I am using my progesterone like a good girl and have the obligatory flat prog. temps to prove it. (The cyst can't be that bad if I don't know where it is, can it?)
No, I haven't been to my appointment yet but I have found something new to obsess about for a couple days which has been a nice distraction really.  It all started Friday when T gave me an iPod for my birthday.  I was thrilled and got more and more excited as the night went on and we went to Best Buy to purchase accessories for it. We got the car adapter/charger so I can listen to it on my car stereo, and the armband so I can listen to it while I workout at the gym.  We got home and I immediately started reading the owners manual only to find out that the iPod requires Windows 2000 or XP.  My home computer runs on Windows ME.  (I know the joke...ME stands for Many Errors.  I am here to tell you that everything you have heard about ME is TRUE!)  So, T's excitement about giving me the ultimate birthday present was dashed when we found out that I couldn't even load the software.  Sunday after discussing different options we (rather quickly) gave up and ordered a Dell.  DUDE, I'M GETTIN' A DELL!!!  They sent me an email saying it had shipped and now I am addicted to checking the tracking numbers on the UPS website.  My computer is right at this minute in three separate boxes somewhere in Illinois.  They expect it to reach me tomorrow. I can't wait for it to show up so I can load up the iPod and the Turbo Tax! (I know I'm sick.) 
You must realize that my current computer is a 6 year old laptop, bought off the shelf at Best Buy the same day I received a bonus from work.  I left work, went to the store and purchased my first ever computer.  I will never do this again.  We have had nothing but trouble with it from day one.  First with AOL (finally dumped the losers), then with the ME and now just not enough memory to do anything with all of our fun high tech toys (camera, cd burner, PDA, and now iPod).  The iPod was just the straw that broke the camel's back.  T has wanted to smash the thing with a sledgehammer for years.  Every time he walks into the room the computer locks up.  This makes it difficult to do things, like order parts for his car or look at porn, etc.  He has made me promise that when the laptop finally gives up the ghost he gets to "through it out the second story window onto the driveway, then run it over with the semi from work, then piss on it and finally put it into a press and crunch the hell out of it".  I told him once it actually dies he can have all the fun he wants but until then it will be my "writing" computer.  You know, because in my own mind I will now be able to write that novel.  Uh Huh.
In other news I pooped for the first time since Friday!  Don't get me wrong, I have not felt uncomfortably constipated, I just haven't pooped in days.  I'm starting to feel like Dooce.  I know the whole low-carb thing can lead to that (down 14 pounds now).  I get it, I have been taking fiber supplements and eating raw veggies out the ass (pun intended).   I thought if nothing else the Metformin would help me out a bit, but no.  I may have to take my own advice and go out for lunch tomorrow.
Will update after my appointment if there is anything worth posting.  I am basically hoping I get off with a slap on the wrist and an order to take next month off of the Clomid but nothing in my life has ever been that easy.
(Wouldn't it be funny if this cycle worked and I was pregnant and so taking the month off Clomid would be a mute point?)
Oh, sorry, I forgot, this is real life, not TV.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Why I Love My SIL and Other Good News

Because she sends me emails like this:
IT'S A BOY!!!!!
we went for the ultrasound today and just like his father, our little boy enjoyed showing everyone his stuff.  J finds it very humorous that our child already takes after him.
You must realize that we have been victims of J's moonings on several occasions.  Like just this past Christmas for instance.

So the other good news is that T's company is switching to new insurance.  I know this is often time for groans and sobs and piles of paperwork but I was looking through the plan last night and ALL of our doctors participate and the local Fertility Gods are covered up to 50% which is better than the 0% we had before and I can use my OB/GYN as my primary care physician so I don't have to make a bazillion phone calls for referrals for things anymore. (How is that for a sentence?)  Even the Thyroid Guru was listed in the book. Whoo Hoo!
That insurance might just be the best birthday present I get this year!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

He Loves Me So Much

Last night I mentioned to T that people keep asking me what we have planned to celebrate my 30th birthday Friday night.  I tell them we don't have anything planned, we will probably go out to dinner. He suggested this answer:
Tell them that I am taking you out to Chuckie Cheese's
so we can have pizza which you can't eat and cake and ice cream which you can't eat,
and then after the big mouse sings to you we'll play games with all the little kids...cause that won't depress you at all.
Then, since you are so old, we will go buy you a '92 Lincoln Town Car with the blinker that never turns off.
Then we will head home because old people turn in early so you'll have to be to bed by 7 o'clock.
Did I mention he turns 30 at the end of March and I will have to listen to how old I am for another two months?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

The Clomid DID Help Me Grow A Little Something!

I have a cyst. Going to see the dr on the 25th. I think this is when we will have a little talk about what we each expect to happen. I expect to get a referral to the local Fertility Gods, I'm not real sure what she's thinking yet.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

When Did You Start To Feel Infertile?

I became infertile long before I even dreamed of having children. In my 18 year old mind my future would run something like this:
1) Go to college
2) Get engaged to T in our sophomore year
3) Get married to T after graduation
4) Live in an apartment for a couple years
5) Buy a house
6) Have a couple kids...and a dog
7) Live happily ever after

This all came to a crashing halt in one day. It was a Friday in June of 1993. I awoke from the anesthesia and I felt SO sleepy. I could barely keep my eyes open. My mother was sitting beside me reading her book. She had already spoken to the doctor who confirmed it was Endo that had been causing me all the pain and wonky periods. She cleaned me all up and thought I should feel much better post surgery. (I didn't feel better but that is another post.) As I lay there in recovery I heard the woman across the hall/room-full-of-beds-divided-by-curtains talking to her nurse.
She said "Hopefully the next time I am in the hospital it will be to have a baby!"
Right then and there I knew I may never have children. I didn't need anyone to tell me the statistics regarding Stage I Endo and pregnancies were actually pretty favorable. I didn't need anyone to tell me that I could always adopt. I knew it, laying there, still foggy headed from the surgery. This would be my lot in life.
The next fall I went away to college where most freshmen were going completely crazy being away from home for the first time. I however, was looking ahead to the future. My friends and I would venture to the mall and walking through Sears I remember going past the baby clothes on our way to some other department and I just stopped in my tracks and looked at those cute little outfits on those little hangers and I almost cried. I was too young and not even engaged much less married. I felt loss. I didn't remember how badly I felt until a couple weeks ago when I went back and read my journal from that time. I wrote about how heartbroken I felt when I saw a baby or a pregnant woman. I wrote about how I may never get the chance to experience that and it hurt so bad to know it. I asked my GYN during my yearly exam if she could test my fertility (I had NO idea what that entailed at the time). I had every other possible symptom of Endo except infertility which had yet to be proven. I told her if I was going to be infertile I would rather deal with it then rather than be heartbroken later after trying and failing. She refused to discuss it until I wanted children.
That was all 12 years ago. (No, we didn't get engaged sophomore year, it was 3 LONG years after graduation when we finally got married and you know how the kid situation is going...) It was in the fall of 2002 that I really started feeling the pressure to have a baby. I knew my Endo had gone unchecked since my second lap in 1996 and though I had been on birth control pills she had left some Endo in there for fear of damaging the organs the implants were on. I thought for sure my abdomen would have been full of it. I quit my birth control pills in September of that year hoping the daily pain I was having would stop. It did. I felt light years better. I still wanted to have a baby as soon as possible so that I could go in for my "gutting" as T calls it. (I want to have two kids, or one and adopt another depending how it goes, and then have a complete hysterectomy. This has been our plan for so long I can't remember exactly when we came up with it.) I brought up the subject with T and he flatly refused at that point. We had too much debt and he was finally able to enjoy life the way he wanted. We were able to pick up and drive across the state to go see a concert if we wanted. We could go up to Traverse City at a moments notice. We didn't have any responsibilities tying us down. He wasn't ready. His new favorite move was "pulling out" which induced many nights of my burying my face in the pillow to cry after he fell asleep.
I can't tell you how many nights I cried as I told him that we could be running out of time. I cried as he told me that was a risk he was willing to take. After two years of the same argument over and over again I finally told him that if he could look me in the eye right then and tell me that he didn't care at all about having a biological child I would drop the subject and we could wait another few years, like when were 35, and then start adoption procedures. (I was banking on previous comments about wanting to try for bio kids before moving on to adoption. I honestly don't know what I would have done if he said "Fine, let's just adopt in 5 years.") Adoption is something that we have always talked about. I told him I may not be able to provide bio kids but that I would totally want to adopt. He agreed that we would definitely go that route if we couldn't produce our own children. (Please note the word PRODUCE in that sentence, I do not wish to be seen as an asshat here.) When I put it to him that way I think it triggered something. I think he realized that I wasn't just wasting my breath over the last two years trying to convince him that time was of the essence.
He dragged his feet another month or so but then I filled the Rx for the Clomid and got the ball rolling. He was then along for the ride and seemed to switch gears pretty quickly considering all we had been through up to that point. He immediately became concerned with my nutrition. Was I eating enough veggies? Getting enough calcium? Cutting back on sugar? Doing away with caffeine? I was surprised and touched at this side of him.
I am now on my fifth cycle of Clomid. I am ovulating on 50mg so there is no need for a higher dose. I am also on Metformin and taking Estradiol and Progesterone supps post ovulation. I think next month might be a good time for T to go in and have his first SA. I have yet to discuss this with him as I am not sure exactly how he will react and is there ever a good time to say "Honey, I think it is time for you to cozy up with the cup so we can see just how much of a man you are"? (No I do not believe that male factor infertility makes men any less manly just as an infertile woman is no less womanly, but we all know how men think of themselves and their, well, by products.) I am sure he will go and with only a bit of grumbling about hassle, embarrassment, etc. What I am more concerned about is the discussion about moving on to a RE. I want to go see the Fertility Gods in April. Both of the FGs are male. T has always had an issue with me seeing a male doctor for female issues. Our GP was always male and that was fine but female parts are different. This is going to take some convincing, especially since our insurance won't cover it. I think I will start off with "It's just for a consultation so they can tell me what my chances are". Then based on their recommendations we can go from there.
If there is one characteristic that sticks out with my husband it is stubbornness. Just ask anyone in his family. They all think I deserve some sort of an award for putting up with him so long. I just hope that he uses that stubbornness for good instead of evil. I hope that it will drive him to try IUI or convince him that I should get regular acupuncture.
What am I trying to say? I'm not sure. I have felt infertile for so long I no longer have the imagination to see myself any other way (yet true INFERTILES who have tried 2+ years, suffered miscarriages and who have tried reproductive technology that I know I am not willing to go through would not think of me this way). I guess it boils down to:
1)I want a baby
2)I love my husband more than life itself and
3)I honestly do not see myself giving birth...ever.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

It Is a Weighty Issue

Last night while watching The Biggest Loser (which T calls the "fat people show") T said that he wished I wouldn't focus on the scale so much. He said I get all excited when I lose weight which is good but that I should pay attention to my energy, the way my clothes fit, how I feel. I said that I really haven't noticed much change since we have been going to the gym regularly in November and since I started the diet on New Year's Day. He said he could tell a month ago that I was walking more upright. I didn't know that I was slouching before and I hadn't noticed straightening out either, but he did. He said he can tell I am slimming down. I said that I couldn't, but now that I think about it my size 18s are quite a bit more loose than they were a couple months ago. I will have to look to see if I still have some size 16s around to try on. I replaced them when I realized they were making me feel ill the whole time I wore them. (I was also wearing holes in the inner upper thigh from my legs rubbing together when I walk. Ugh!)
I like the weight lifting. It makes me feel stronger and I can tell my back doesn't hurt as much. These are all good things. I have seen many improvements. Why is it then that the only one that I really care deeply about is the number on the scale? I literally jumped for joy this morning when I saw that the first digit was a 1 instead of a 2 for the first time in over a year, maybe longer. My BMI has dropped to 29.5 from somewhere in the low to mid-30s. My goal is about 23. I have lost the first 10 pounds of the 40 I want to lose in total.
I have a long way to go but now I am beginning to see progress. The way I figure it, if I am as healthy as I can be then I can't blame a sedentary lifestyle or poor nutrition for my fertility issues. I know I have Endo. I know I have Hashimoto's. I suspect I have PCOS. They say the best thing I can do is strengthen my immune system. This is all a part of that, the regular exercise, weight lifting and the Endo/Low-Carb diet. The Metformin is probably helping too though I am only on 1000mg per day, a relatively low dose I think. Losing the weight is a WONDERFUL side effect of getting healthy, the thing is, I can't gauge on a weekly basis how my immune system is doing or how my fertility is increasing/decreasing. I can only see the numbers on the scale.
I have read that when a woman's weight is in a downward trend she is less likely to conceive. The body fears starvation coming and knows it will not be able to support a pregnancy. On the other hand, most people know that being severely overweight inhibits conception too. One must be in the middle, a healthy "normal" weight to conceive. Supposedly.
In 1998 at a time when I hated myself and everything about me I lost weight. 38 pounds. I walked everyday, I watched what I ate. I followed a plan that I had ordered off of an infomercial. It actually worked! I got down to a weight that I hadn't seen since early on in high school but I couldn't maintain it. I gained back those 38 pounds and added 18 more. What I remember from being "skinny" was that I received a LOT of compliments and people asking me how I had done it. I had cheek bones and when I laid on my back my hip bones would stick up above my belly. That one shocked me one night, I saw these protruding things under my skin and pushed on them trying to figure out what they were until it finally sunk in what I was seeing and feeling were actually my hips. T was more jealous of me when we went out to the bar to shoot pool. He could tell there were guys looking at me and didn't like it.
My other motivation? My father who has always struggled with his weight called me during the holidays to tell me he finally broke 200 pounds. He was 198. That was less than me. OH MY GOD! To follow that up I spoke to my SIL on the phone who had the weight loss surgery about 18 months ago and she said she was hovering between 193 and 198. This was also less than me. OH MY GOD AGAIN! I MUST LOSE THIS WEIGHT.
The only thing that would stop me now is a pregnancy. If I can shed the other 30 pounds by June I will be in. I don't foresee a pregnancy happening by then, do you? Not really.
In the meantime, I am wearing belts to keep my pants up and needing to replace the new bras I just bought that finally fit my big ole boobs which are now shrinking.
Will I ever be satisfied with what I have?