Last night while watching The Biggest Loser (which T calls the "fat people show") T said that he wished I wouldn't focus on the scale so much. He said I get all excited when I lose weight which is good but that I should pay attention to my energy, the way my clothes fit, how I feel. I said that I really haven't noticed much change since we have been going to the gym regularly in November and since I started the diet on New Year's Day. He said he could tell a month ago that I was walking more upright. I didn't know that I was slouching before and I hadn't noticed straightening out either, but he did. He said he can tell I am slimming down. I said that I couldn't, but now that I think about it my size 18s are quite a bit more loose than they were a couple months ago. I will have to look to see if I still have some size 16s around to try on. I replaced them when I realized they were making me feel ill the whole time I wore them. (I was also wearing holes in the inner upper thigh from my legs rubbing together when I walk. Ugh!)
I like the weight lifting. It makes me feel stronger and I can tell my back doesn't hurt as much. These are all good things. I have seen many improvements. Why is it then that the only one that I really care deeply about is the number on the scale? I literally jumped for joy this morning when I saw that the first digit was a 1 instead of a 2 for the first time in over a year, maybe longer. My BMI has dropped to 29.5 from somewhere in the low to mid-30s. My goal is about 23. I have lost the first 10 pounds of the 40 I want to lose in total.
I have a long way to go but now I am beginning to see progress. The way I figure it, if I am as healthy as I can be then I can't blame a sedentary lifestyle or poor nutrition for my fertility issues. I know I have Endo. I know I have Hashimoto's. I suspect I have PCOS. They say the best thing I can do is strengthen my immune system. This is all a part of that, the regular exercise, weight lifting and the Endo/Low-Carb diet. The Metformin is probably helping too though I am only on 1000mg per day, a relatively low dose I think. Losing the weight is a WONDERFUL side effect of getting healthy, the thing is, I can't gauge on a weekly basis how my immune system is doing or how my fertility is increasing/decreasing. I can only see the numbers on the scale.
I have read that when a woman's weight is in a downward trend she is less likely to conceive. The body fears starvation coming and knows it will not be able to support a pregnancy. On the other hand, most people know that being severely overweight inhibits conception too. One must be in the middle, a healthy "normal" weight to conceive. Supposedly.
In 1998 at a time when I hated myself and everything about me I lost weight. 38 pounds. I walked everyday, I watched what I ate. I followed a plan that I had ordered off of an infomercial. It actually worked! I got down to a weight that I hadn't seen since early on in high school but I couldn't maintain it. I gained back those 38 pounds and added 18 more. What I remember from being "skinny" was that I received a LOT of compliments and people asking me how I had done it. I had cheek bones and when I laid on my back my hip bones would stick up above my belly. That one shocked me one night, I saw these protruding things under my skin and pushed on them trying to figure out what they were until it finally sunk in what I was seeing and feeling were actually my hips. T was more jealous of me when we went out to the bar to shoot pool. He could tell there were guys looking at me and didn't like it.
My other motivation? My father who has always struggled with his weight called me during the holidays to tell me he finally broke 200 pounds. He was 198. That was less than me. OH MY GOD! To follow that up I spoke to my SIL on the phone who had the weight loss surgery about 18 months ago and she said she was hovering between 193 and 198. This was also less than me. OH MY GOD AGAIN! I MUST LOSE THIS WEIGHT.
The only thing that would stop me now is a pregnancy. If I can shed the other 30 pounds by June I will be in. I don't foresee a pregnancy happening by then, do you? Not really.
In the meantime, I am wearing belts to keep my pants up and needing to replace the new bras I just bought that finally fit my big ole boobs which are now shrinking.
Will I ever be satisfied with what I have? Um...no.