Friday, February 25, 2005
Here is what I have:
*Note all "normal" levels are according the specific lab that ran the test.
Volume 5.5, "normal" is 1.5-5.0 ML (Is it good to have extra fluid?)
Sperm Count 45.7, "normal" is 60-200 Mil/ML (This is low, possibly due to his flu?)
pH 8.2,"normal" is 7.0-8.3 (Within range but very high apparently.)
Progressive 75%, "normal" is 60-100%
Head Defects 4%
Neck or midpiece defects 1%
Tail Defects 5%
Cytoplasmic droplets 2% (I should call the Ghostbusters if this goes up, no?)
So, we know he had the flu two weeks before this test. We can and will repeat it but when? Do we do it right away or wait three months? I am worried that over the summer while he is working in a hot machine shop (often 120F) he will just boil the little guys away.
I may be able to get him to take a multi-vitamin but I doubt I'll get him to quit drinking. He has already cut way back from what he used to drink so I don't think that is really an issue...yet.
My jaw literally dropped when he told me he discussed the test with his buddies at work. I wonder if he will tell them the results? I don't know whether I am supposed to keep it quiet or not, we'll talk tonight.
I guess I'm not overly concerned because I know he was sick before his test. We'll have to wait and see the results of the next one before we can confirm anything I think. So the debate is...Do I want him to have male factor fertility issues so that the load of responsibility does not rest solely on my shoulders or do I hope he comes back with a stellar report next time so there is one less thing to worry about? I'm leaning towards the stellar report. I have known for 12 years that my insides were fucked up. I'm used to that, I can deal with that. If we end up with a male factor on top of my pile of crap people call a body, then it is just one more setback we don't need. I may be in a tad bit of denial but with all the other numbers in normal range I think we can increase the count, don't you?
SO, Monday I will talk to the nurse and get the slip for another SA and we will decide the best time to go in for the repeat test. (The instructions that came on my slip said to repeat the test after a 3 day abstinence even though this one was after a 4 day abstinence. Does anyone in the medical profession actually read anything anymore?)
Monday, February 21, 2005
Saturday morning we woke bright and early. I called the lab downtown to find out exactly where T needed to go since time would be an issue and neither of us had been to the lab next to the hospital before. It is a good thing I called. The woman who answered the phone said she was the only one on duty at her particular lab location and wouldn't be able to process the sample in time. She said to take it to the Clinical Pathology department in the hospital itself. She gave me instructions on how to find it which I wrote down on the instruction sheet so T could take it with him. I took the cup to T so that he could warm it up to body temperature while I took the dog out, fed her and started his car to warm it up. I had been enlisted to "help" with the "collection" of the "sample". I watched the clock carefully so that we could document the exact time the sample was collected. (8:59am for those who are wondering.) I held the cup under my arm while T got dressed and got ready to head downtown. He said they should make the cups bigger since he had a hard time aiming, then again he said he expected the sample to be a bit more voluminous too. We were standing in the kitchen, me with the cup under my arm while I filled out the paperwork and he asked if I wanted to go with him. I looked at the clock, knowing I had a massage appointment in less than an hour, I wasn't "dressed", and hadn't showered but realizing he was asking for moral support so I agreed to go. I threw my shoes on and we left. The cup was still under my arm and I wasn't wearing a bra or underwear.
We walked in and through the lobby as instructed then started the search for Clinical Pathology. T assured me he never would have found it without me. I guess I can see that since I was used to the hospital from my monthly ultrasounds and he has only been there once. We stood at the desk for a while when a lab tech wandered by and asked if we had been helped. She looked at the paperwork, realized why we were there and told the woman sitting in the chair that she would have to wait while she processed ours first. (T said later that the woman in the chair was not on the list of people he intended to fuck that day but low and behold, he had done it anyway. Sorry Ma'am! I hope you would understand if you actually knew what was going on.)
The hospital has his swimmers. We will wait to hear the results.
Why couldn't we just be normal? He saw me taking my Metformin at dinner Saturday night and said "Sorry you have to take pills" and I said "Sorry you had to come in a cup". I think we are both just sorry we are not normal.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Yesterday being Valentine's Day we made a big to-do about things. He sent roses to my work along with not one but TWO balloons and the softest teddy bear ever invented strapped to the vase. Awwww. I now have a companion for the Santa Bear he gave me in 8th grade. I named the Santa bear Patrick and slept with it every single night from the day he gave it to me until the day we moved in together and I could actually curl up with the real thing. Poor Patrick soaked up so many, many tears. I'll have to come up with a name for the new bear.
I wrapped his present which I had been hiding in my office on my lunch hour. (season tickets for arena football) I accepted my Wife of the Year award from all the men I work with and listened to them moan and groan about how T was making them look bad because none of them sent flowers to their wives, etc. Then they realized that maybe T had a point with the flower thing, after all he gets to watch NASCAR and drink beer and play his playstation all he wants without any griping from me and none of them get to do those things. HA! In an emotional bank account, one must make DEPOSITS before expecting withdrawals!.
When I showed up last night I had to take three trips to unload the car. One for the flowers/balloon/bear combo, one for my purse and T's gift and one for the package from Walgreen's which contained my thyroid, estradiol and Prochieve. Not exactly the grand entrance I was hoping for. The poor dog is terrified of balloons and thought the big two headed monster was trying to eat her. She was afraid to go anywhere near the flowers/balloon/bear even though her nose told her there was definitely something to investigate.
I saw a card on the table and a bright shiny thing which at first I thought might be a jewelry box but quickly identified as a nameplate for a desk. The desk that T is getting me for Christmas...as soon as we go pick it out. He told me that he loved me enough last month what with getting the iPod for my birthday and then having to buy the new Dell since the iPod wouldn't work on the old computer...so he wasn't going to get me anything for Valentine's Day (the flowers/balloons/bear don't count). He didn't buy me anything, he made it. He is a machinist by trade, he engraved my name in this triangular piece of aluminum and polished it to a mirrored finish. It is beautiful! He's so sweet.
Then we actually went out to dinner... without reservations...on Valentine's Day. *During dinner our conversation drifted toward my friend S who is set to move to Alaska in a couple short weeks. I started to cry and he totally froze. He wasn't expecting this response and didn't really know what to do. He reached across the table and said "Don't cry, this is supposed to be a happy occasion!". I wiped my eyes and blinked back the tears, swallowed hard to push the sob back down before it escaped my quivering lips and we both looked around at the other tables to see if anyone had noticed my very short moment of almost-complete-break-down. I don't think they did. "Let's change the subject!" he said and we did. I don't remember to what, just not her leaving. *SOB!!!*
We returned home our bellies full, and decided to watch TV, our norm. Told you we were boring. T promptly fell asleep on the couch and I looked through my new issue of Interweave Knits with the dog on my lap and then went to bed myself.
All in all it was a good Valentine's Day, but I guess I can see why he doesn't take me out in public more often.
*Has anyone had a friend move a REALLY long way away and were you able to keep up the relationship? I already know that Les Miserables is coming this spring and I would normally go with S but she'll be gone by then. She is/was my "Theater Friend". I may end up going with my MIL! Damn this sucks, my heart is breaking even though I have a perfectly good Valentine.
Monday, February 14, 2005
T: Well, I've got one eye that is legally blind.
Me: My left eye is bad but not blind.
T: My left eye is the bad one too. I wonder if together we count?
Me: Our poor kids. We each have a bad eye, they don't stand a chance.
T: What do you mean?
Me: Well, we each have one so they might have two.
T: I don't want our kids to have two left eyes.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Let's back up just a smidge. My sophomore year in college my friends and I took a trip down to Florida for spring break. It wasn't Daytona or Ft. Lauderdale or anywhere near that exotic. No, one of our friends had a "Summer House" down there. Her parents said we could stay there for the week as long as we respected the neighborhood (a gated community...mucho money, etc.).
While in Florida we made a trip to the local mall. I went into the jewelry store to look at the rings. I love rings. I think I inherited it from my mother. Sapphires (hello, they are blue) are my favorite. I saw a ring. It was an oval sapphire with a trilateral cut diamond on each side with a gold band. It was breathtaking and it was ON SALE ! It was HALF OFF ! Oh my god that is my engagement ring! Bells went off in my head, my heart started thumping louder and faster and my friends all tried to convince me NOT to buy the ring. It was a mistake, it would never work out the way I had planned, etc. I bought the ring. Spent the rest of my vacation money on it and was broke the rest of the week but I had my ring!
When we got home I gave it to T and explained that this was what I wanted to be my engagement ring and I wanted him to give it back to me when he was ready. The ball was in his court. He stalled a while. Like two more years of college and then a year and a half of living together he stalled. He wasn't READY yet. The waiting just about killed me. I saw it as rejection. I thought he saw potential in me but I hadn't met whatever criteria he had in mind yet so he couldn't propose until I got there. It broke my heart every birthday, every Valentine's Day, every Christmas he didn't propose. I wanted so badly to know that he was as devoted to me as I was to him. I cried buckets for over 3 years.
I knew where the ring was. It was in a box of his stuff in our bedroom closet. When he would leave for work in the morning I would sneak in there and carefully pull it out, remembering exactly how it had been lying in the box. I would just stare at the ring, pull it out and put it on my finger. Hold my hand up to the light to see the deep blue sapphire and the sparkle of the diamonds. Then I would put it all back and cry for what I wanted and didn't have. I know this may not be true for everyone out there and I may be setting myself up with this statement but FOR ME, my longing for a child is NOTHING compared to wanting T to propose. I spent years thinking that I wasn't good enough, there must be something wrong with me, any day now he would decide this wasn't what he wanted and leave. It was heartbreaking every.day.for.three.years.
On Valentine's Day 1999 my friend S came to stay the weekend with us. I wrote in my journal that day about how much I loved T and how much I wanted to spend my life with him and what was he waiting for and why didn't he love me enough to want to marry me, etc. I cried alone in the bathroom so no one would see me.
S stayed for dinner and left around 7pm. Around 7:30 T said he had left my Valentine's card in the car and went down to get it. Then he went into the bedroom (I assumed to sign it, he likes to do things last minute) and came back out and sat next to me on the couch. He handed me the card. The front read:
We are too close not to have been lovers in another time and another place, for when I saw your face and heard your voice,I felt my life begin all over again.
I read the card, felt all warm and fuzzy and at the same time my heart was breaking because I knew yet again, he didn't ask. I thanked him for the card and kissed him, and then he got down on one knee in front of me. My eyes bugged out, I started to hyperventilate. I realized that this quick, out of control breathing would throw him off and I wasn't about to stop him now. Plus, I wanted to be able to hear the question! I held my breath. I looked at my hand and realized that I had been wearing my birthstone ring on my left hand. I whipped it off and put it on the coffee table, freeing up the ring finger which was about to get the ring...my engagement ring.
I was right in thinking that the breathing would throw him. Apparently when I STOPPED BREATHING he completely lost his train of thought. He said he had a whole speech worked out and the look on my face which he had never seen before and the fact that I WASN'T BREATHING made him stumble for words. He never told me what he had planned to say.
He said "I love you, a lot, and I want you to be mine, forever." He handed me the ring because he didn't know which finger it was supposed to go on. I got down on my knees too and hugged him and just kept saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you" and eventually I said "yes".
That was a very busy Valentine's Day. Our friends H and L got married on a cruise that very day and T's brother and his fiance broke their engagement that day. (We waited quite a while to tell him our good news.) My boss had an emergency appendectomy so the next morning when we all gathered for the monthly sales meeting I shared by good news but then he STOLE MY THUNDER since everyone was worried about him and how he was doing. I will never let him live that down, and he knows it.
That moment, when T proposed, is when my life began. We were married a full year and nine months later but waiting for the wedding was a cake walk compared to waiting for the proposal. In 2001 we celebrated Valentine's Day on our honeymoon in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. I tell you what, that is the way to go! There were something like 8 weddings at our resort that day, but we were already married and having the time of our lives. Walking around in a swimming suite with a drink in your hand 24/7 it is hard to have a bad time.
So, my life began 5 years ago and I wouldn't go back for anything. I know that wanting a baby could turn into the same sort of desperate depressive state that I was in back when I was waiting for the proposal, but I have T and that is what matters to me. Nothing matters without him. Without him I don't want the kids. So, I am glad to say that I actually am happy with my life now. I don't think I have ever said that before. We will have children someday, bio or adopted, it doesn't matter to me one bit. The important thing is that we are together and love each other completely and I finally have the confidence in his love for me that I questioned for so long.
It kind of feels like a birthday.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Friday, February 11, 2005
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Oh! I have a question! Now, I have to work out an answer…
Q:Where did the name [of your blog] come from?
A: I was trying to come up with a name for my blog and there were so many creative titles out there already I wanted something really different. I was trying to express the most about who I was while still maintaining a sense of anonymity (more for my husband's comfort level than mine).
So, the first thing people notice about me is that my favorite color is blue, mostly navy. My car is blue, my eyes are blue, if there are color choices for anything (board game pieces, fondue forks, yarn for my knitting, the colors you see on the blog itself) I choose blue every time. I write with blue pens. My living room couch is blue. My taper candle in my wedding was blue (T’s was black and those were used the light the unity candle which was custom ordered white wax with real flowers through out. It was a true representation of our individualities coming together). So that is the Navy Blue part. When you think of me, think Navy Blue which should be easy since you all call me Blue anyway. :0)
I am also known as a lover of all things pachyderm. I love elephants. Always have. I believe this is a direct genetic link to my maternal aunt who also has an elephant …thing. Her house is filled with statuettes, books, posters and tapes of nature shows about elephants. I am to inherit her elephant collection upon her death. I too have loads and loads of elephants in my house, two huge framed posters, candle holders with elephants, elephant coasters, coffee mugs, etc. (I received a pair of ivory earrings for Christmas once, I almost died. Why would you give an elephant lover something made of ivory, for which an elephant was probably brutally butchered to obtain? Think people, think!) I wear a gold elephant necklace around my neck. I never take it off. It is like my logo or something. I have worn it for 5 years now.
The trunk part is special. If you see an elephant with its trunk raised it is a symbol of good luck. The elephant on my necklace has its trunk raised. I don’t go around thinking that it is a good luck charm by any means, but it sure couldn’t hurt right? Trunks can also be something to pack in …baggage as the case may be. I have lots of that too.
So, Navy Blue Elephant Trunks is me and the things that I love with the most luck I can pack in there in such a short descriptive phrase.
Probably more than you wanted, huh?