Way back in my pre-TTC days I was depressed and anxious and wanting to find other people who might understand my fears about TTC. I happened upon a group of FABULOUS gals from all over the US, Canada and even Australia and Japan who were also trying to start families while dealing with Endometriosis and other medical issues. We all seemed to click well with each other and had some issues with newbies flitting in and out of "our" message board so we defected and started a board of our own. Invitation only, password protected, etc. These ladies have been a wonderful source of strength and support for me.
One day, one of them suggested I read two blog posts. One by GetupGrrl and one by ALittlePregnant, Julie. I read them both and laughed until I cried. I was amazed at this whole new world that had opened up before me. I started clicking through blogrolls and found SO MANY women who seemed to understand what I was facing. There were veterans and newbies and people with such varying interests and accomplishments. I lurked for about a month, posted a few responses here and there and then I dove in head first. I started blogging myself.
My number one reason for starting this blog was my own selfish need to journal. I didn't have the time, energy or privacy at home to do it in a hand-written format and I really spent a lot of time thinking while at work, and once in a while I needed to be able to vent those thoughts while still at the office. I thought a blog would allow me the access from home or office and there would only be this little side complication of the fact that ANYONE and EVERYONE could read it. I decided that if Grrl could keep her identity to herself, so could I. So, Blue was born. I cannot remember exactly when I started, I do not know exactly how many posts I have posted. I do know that I am so very thankful I had this blog when I needed it most. That, of course, would be when Azure was born. The support I received was overwhelming and the advice was priceless. If it had not been for reading A Little Pregnant and Miss W I would not have been even a quarter prepared for our time in the NICU. My husband was in awe of my composure that first night, but I knew what I was looking at. I knew what to do. I knew what to ask because I had been through it already, with Charlie and the Lowercase. (See? I have gotten so lazy I do not even provide links anymore!)
All these years I have felt the need to write and the even stronger need to read other's blogs. That is, until now. I have been unsettled, unsure of my way and I looked to others for guidance and direction. I do not feel that way any longer. It has been almost a month and a half since my last post. I do not feel the need, or even the desire, to write anymore. I hate to make it sound like, "I got my kid! Life is great! No need for the blog anymore!" On the other hand, that is sort of how it is. I have written many times that this blog was going to chronicle my journey to become the parent of two children. I swore up and down that I would not stop after one child because that was not the end goal. There would be so much more to the story! The thing is, there may or may not be a second child. I hope there is, eventually an adoption story. I would very much like Azure to have a sibling. The adoption though is third on the current priority list.
#1 - Get out of debt (plan already in action)
#2 - Move to a nicer house/neighborhood
#3 - Adopt
So you see, there is going to be a good 3-5 year wait from now until adoption talk and I just don't feel I can leave this blog hanging until that time comes.
The time has come for me to stop writing. I do still have my bloglines subscriptions and will continue to keep up with the handful of people I cannot bear to walk away from. I do hope those of you who have gotten to "know" me will keep in touch via email (bluetrunks at sbcglobal.net). I will leave the blog up at least for a little while. I have gotten comments from new readers on old posts, especially dealing with preemie issues and the NICU.
This has been something I have thought about a lot in the last couple of weeks. I keep coming back to the same thought. I have been a big fan of Stephen King's series The Gunslinger. In it, Roland, the main character spoke repeatedly about how things had been in the old days, but that the world had moved on. I think that is what has happened to me. I have moved on from my blogging. Like leaving therapy, I feel it has been extremely beneficial and I feel a bit apprehensive about it, but I think in the end, it will be just fine. I still have the message board with my friends who post on a regular basis (none of whom know about this blog, except possibly one who is also named Blue and who just hasn't told me she reads this out of respect for my supposed anonymity). I think I will be able to look back at this time in my life and tell Azure that without the wonderful support of the Internets, her mother would have fallen apart just when she needed to be at her strongest.
I will be lurking and commenting from time to time.
I will not say good-bye, I will say, "See ya 'round!"
Thanks for Everything!