Words, Words, Words

Last night we talked about IVF. I told him that I wasn’t interested in IVF. To me it is such an investment of time, money and most of all hope and psychological well being that it just isn’t worth the heartbreak if it doesn't work out. It is worth it to him. With the low count it might lead to ICSI, I'm not sure. He wants to try it, so we will. My challenge will be convincing him to give me the shots. Is it physically possible to complete an IVF cycle and give myself all the required shots? He has a thing about needles. He hates them and has refused to help me in this portion. I say that if he is the one pushing the IVF he doesn’t have the right to be uncooperative.

We talked about domestic adoption. We talked about how I LOVE newborns and would really like the opportunity to care for my child as a newborn. We talked about the long wait and risk of the birthmother backing out at the last minute.

We talked about how international adoption feels pretty comfortable but he feels very strongly about sticking to Eastern European countries at this point. Later on down the road, he said he might feel more comfortable with an Asian or Guatemalan child but for now, he just isn’t there yet.

We talked about how we can discuss these things repeatedly and we may come up
with different answers each time. The most important thing we can do is to be honest with ourselves and with each other and with the doctors and eventually with the adoption agency.

I am OK with everything we talked about with the exception of the refusal to give me shots. He thinks his mother should do it since she gave his father shots during his cancer treatments. We’ll deal with this when we get to it. I would like to try IUI first, just to give it a chance. I am much more comfortable with that line of intervention at this time. (All of this is being discussed before we have even set foot in the RE's office. That might make some decisions for us right there.)

My husband got a call from a friend the other night who he hasn’t spoken to since September. My husband answered the phone with a typical “Hello” and was answered by the non-typical “So, are you pregnant yet?” Being quick on his feet, I thought he came up with the perfect answer. “You know, I peed on a test just this morning and it was negative!” I love that man.

I found out that his buddies at work no longer refer to me by name. They used to page him to the phone when I called by announcing over the intercom that The Boss was on the line. Har.Har. Now I have become The Wife Who Wants To Get Knocked Up. It’s catchy, don’t you think? They also told him if he were a real man he would have gotten the job done by now. We know they are kidding and they don’t mean to hurt us but come on, is that really necessary?

Sticks and stones may break my bones but WORDS can make my soul bleed.

Things that make no sense...

Out of nowhere -

T: I hope you’re pregnant.

Blue: (almost choking on the bite of sandwich I was eating) Well, yeah, me too.

T: Then we wouldn’t have to do all this doctor stuff.

Blue: Hmm. (Thinking I SO could have come up with a better reason than that.)

T: I’m having trouble getting over this finger thing. I would be totally different if it were a woman sticking her finger up my ass. (To check his prostate.)

Blue: Uh-huh.

T: I mean I would rather have a 480 year-old-woman stick her finger up my ass than Dr. Finger. (Yes, T gave the doctor that name.)

Blue:

T: I would rather have an UGLY woman stick her finger up my ass than Dr. Finger.

I am getting the feeling he is not looking forward to going to the urologist.


Dreams:

The good...sort of -
So I had a dream yesterday morning that Andy Dick, the actor, was in love with me and trying to lure me away from T. It almost worked. There was a moment when Andy and I were alone and it was breaking my heart that I was breaking his heart. I think I bought him a candle as a present. I told him that I felt that I could fall in love with him if given the opportunity but that I was with T and it just couldn’t happen right now. I woke up feeling melancholy. I was happy though to find out just how devoted I am to T even in my subconscious! I also found it interesting that I chose a funny non-conventionally-good-looking guy over someone like Brad Pitt who is empirically drool-worthy.

The bad -
This morning my dream was not so good. I dreamt that a man who looked like this with longish scruffy hair(I knew when I woke up that he reminded me of the guy in that movie with the phonebooth in it, which I haven’t seen) was trying to break in the back door of my house. I was on the inside of the door trying to get the latch to catch so that I could lock it. We pushed back and forth until I finally got it closed. Then I sat down behind the door so he couldn’t open it. He pulled out a drill and started pulling the hinges off the door (the hinges are actually inside but they were outside in my dream). He yelled that if he was in the house by now I would know that he was an arsonist too. He was very angry and obviously hated me with a passion. His intent was to rape and kill me. Don’t ask me how I know this, I just did, it was a dream thing. I must have passed out on my stake out of the door since I suddenly woke up and realized he wasn’t fighting against the door anymore. I looked out the little peephole and saw him laying on the ground, handcuffed, and grinning up at me. There were a couple cops standing around, probably waiting for their superiors to get there. I didn’t think the guy was properly restrained and was afraid he would break free and either run and get away, or come after me again. He said that he would get my husband on his way home from work and he would kill A and M the other couple that lived in our house (not really, but in the dream they did) too. Later we found out that he knew all our names, where we worked, etc. since he had taken our mail on several occasions and we vowed to get a locking mailbox. All I have to say is…Huh?

Needless to say, I will not be seeking out any Colin Farrel movies anytime soon. I didn’t even know that was his name until I just googled phonebooths. *shiver*

How much more can you pack into a weekend?

What a fabulous weekend. T and I took Friday off to give ourselves a long weekend. We relaxed, we watched TV, he played his video game,I knit myself a purse and matching shawl, we ordered in BBQ ribs and ate chocolate malt cake. I took a couple days off the Metformin and I drank vodka martinis, Miller Lite (I let out my first real belch in 3 months!) and Bicardi Silver. YUM! I watched my cooking shows taped on the DVR, I watched Adoption Stories and cried as usual. We went to the gym, we had breakfast with my uncle on Sunday, we played pool and we talked...a lot.

-We are now officially a team and will go to all doctor appointments together starting Thursday at my GYN.

-We agreed insurance or not we are going to see the Fertility God and will ask for a referral on Thursday from my GYN. If she doesn't give us one we will go anyway.

-We will go together to his urologist appointment the first week of May.

-I found out the reason he hasn't wanted me to see a male GYN/RE is because he is afraid I will be molested and he doesn't believe that I would stop it right away, I'm too trusting. (I have always thought his reservations were about another man seeing my private parts, this new revelation really shocked me.) He wants to be in the room so if he sees any sign of distress from me he can kick the doctor's ass. I told him I doubt this will be necessary but he would feel better if he went and I would prefer for him to go just so we both know what the doctor says, so he's going with me. He believes that I would not stop a doctor from touching me inappropriately because I could not give him the reason that women get a rectal exam as part of the annual exam at the GYN. He simply could not believe I let the Dr. stick her finger up my ass every year and I've never asked what she's looking for. Now how do I hold my husband back while in the stirrups? Anyone?

-T questions his second SA results. He wants to know how he could lose 30 million sperm in a month. 30-Million! If it were 30 million dollars people would stand up and take notice, but since they are just sperm we get a referral to the urologist and a shrug of the shoulders. He thinks the lab made a mistake. We figure between the urologist and the Fertility God we will repeat the test at least two more times so we'll be able to have some definitive answers.

-We decided the white trash that live across the street is close enough to a trailer park so we will sneak over and make use of their bushes some dark night. This will allow me to postpone my career change to crack whore for at least a little while.

In other news:

-We got a long rambling message on our answering machine from T's mother saying something about the Terry Schiavo case and she is going to call her lawyer and would T be willing to sign off on something saying they could pull the plug on her, etc. T said she better be careful, he'll pull the plug now. (You must understand that no one in his family recognized his birthday until after the fact when they called to tell him all the stupid reasons they didn't send a card or call on his actual birthday. He was quite hurt that the only cards he received were from my aunt and my grandparents. What can I say, it is better to be an Elephant than a Trunk.)

Saving the best for last:

-I ovulated this weekend...on my own...no Clomid...Oh My God!!!! I feel like I won the lotto! I've had sore nipples for days, three bars and an egg on the monitor Saturday and Sunday and my temp went up this morning. Holy Shit my body actually worked! Shh, don't tell anyone, maybe if we don't mention it, it might happen again!

Anyone have a shrub we can borrow before the tornado gets here?

T and I decided last night that the only way to get pregnant without medical intervention is to quit our jobs, sell the house and two cars and move to a trailer park where we will have sex in the bushes out behind our trailer...or the neighbor's. You know, whichever.

Our alternative "therapy" will be for T to go into work with some sort of weapon and go on a rampage and the day he is locked up I will magically find out that I am knocked up. Then I'll take my baby to see his/her daddy in prison.

Both are good plans I think. We'll try the trailer park first. We can always hold out hope that T gets laid off this summer, right?

Our last ditch effort will be for me to become a crack whore down on Division. I already have the stained T-shirt and sweatpants. We hadn't planned on using a sperm donor but this might just work out.

I found out today that T's appointment will not be with the Fertility God of choice but rather with a urologist I've never heard of. Damn. I blame the nurse for getting my hopes up. T's appointment isn't until May 3rd. WTF?!?!?!

I am to go see my GYN next Thursday because she hasn't seen me since ... January. Not much to see, still not pregnant, what could she possibly need to see me about? I guess I'll find out next week.

I need that necklace thing with the button

I have fallen, and I can not get up. I think it is because someone has ripped the rug out from under me. The nurse called yesterday and really threw me for a loop.

The Good News:
- That “cyst” that the tech told me about on Monday was actually a dominant follicle. Is it really that hard to tell the difference? I guess so. Does that mean the pain I have been feeling is pre-O pain? For over a week? Seems strange to me. (I got a high on the monitor yesterday and today but my temp is still low it appears that I am working up to something.)
- We got our referral to the Fertility God that I’ve been wanting to see. This however comes with a twist (see The Bad News).

The Bad News:
- T’s SA came back. 17.6 mil/ml down from 47.5 mil/ml. How could this happen when he has been healthy, taking vitamins and getting stress relief from exercise?
- The referral to the Fertility God is actually for T, not me like I had originally anticipated. I assume he will work with us as a couple since it takes two to tango so to speak.

OK, to look at this in a positive light…must.force.myself.to.be.positive! I supposed we have been traveling towards a destination and I knew that the RE would be a stop along the way. I thought we would get there by going a certain direction (ie. me not responding to the Clomid) and here we are, someone has shown us a different way to get there, this path is just a bit more scary than the one I planned to take. I suppose it is just another means to the same end, I just wasn’t expecting it. I’m still in a bit of shock.

I’ve written before that I can handle knowing that my body doesn’t work properly. I’m used to that. I’m comfortable with that. T is a whole different subject. When it was just me, I felt a bit more in control. Not that I could control my Endo or Thyroid, but I understand those things and I know my body. I can feel subtle changes and have pretty good intuition about how things are going. With T, I am completely lost. I have no control!!! Have I ever mentioned that I am a control freak? What? You guessed that already? How did you know? Huh.

I am trying to think ahead to see what this means for us. IUI most likely. I have been hoping to avoid injectibles. I do not have a problem with needles, but I know that T does and will be absolutely no help in this matter. Plus, our insurance won’t cover them.

To top it off and just put a capper on the week, our dog is being a picky eater lately. This doesn’t sound like too big of a problem for most dogs but our dog has a condition where she produces too much stomach acid. If she goes for a long period of time without eating, she throws up bile. To counter act this we feed her small meals 4 times each day. 5:30am, noon, 5pm and 9:30pm. She also gets 1/2 a Tagamet pill morning and evening to help cut down on the stomach acid. She has been skipping meals this past week. She’ll sniff the food, look at us and walk away. Other times she dives right in and is looking for more. We’ve been cleaning up bile for a week now. (She does some every day and is still drinking and eliminating right on schedule so no worries about dehydration or anything) I am sure it is due to the house being in somewhat of an upheaval with the fridge, stove and entertainment center pulled out from the wall so that T could put trim down behind them. She’s just a bit out of sorts, HATES change. I’ve discussed this with people since that is what is going on in my life… outside of my uterus… and do you know what they have told me? I have had more than one person tell me that she is reacting to the stress that T and I are feeling about our infertility. It is our fault the dog is not eating. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, now my infertility is starving my dog. Thanks, thanks a lot, that helps LOADS.

Then I think about people I know who should NOT be reproducing but just can't seem to figure out where those babies are coming from. Why is it so easy for them and not for us?

I know, I know, life isn’t fair. BLOW ME !!!

I guess I lost that positive outlook, huh?

Bladder of Steel !!!!

Every month when my period starts I make a call to my GYN’s office and schedule an ultrasound to check for any cysts caused by the Clomid the cycle before. I have been doing this since September. I make my appointments for around 6am so I can go before work and I don’t have to alert the whole office that I am making monthly trips to the doctor’s for something reproductive related. They know we are trying, they know we are struggling, let’s just leave it at that shall we? Right.

The 6am ultrasound makes the drinking of water an issue. Everyone knows you are supposed to drink 32oz. of water one hour before your appointment. Well, I am not going to get up at 5:15 (my usual waking time) go to the bathroom, then hurry up to drink 32oz. of water before I get to the hospital at 6am. Not.Going.To.Happen. So, I just don’t pee when I get up. Simple enough even if a bit uncomfortable. Keep in mind that my Endo causes great pain when my bladder is full, or even slightly inflated.

I am taking this cycle off the Clomid to give my body a break and to find out the results of T’s SA, which was submitted on Saturday morning. We should get the results back from that towards the end of the week. I still needed to go in for the ultrasound since I took 100mg of Clomid last cycle. I have been feeling cystish pain in my right abdomen for about a week now, so I suspected they would find something this time.

I started using the monitor this cycle. The first cycle in use it has to figure out your cycle patterns so you go through many pee sticks. I knew it would ask for one this morning. Well, the whole not going when I get up in order to not drink for my u/s got in the way of this plan. The pee sticks only require 3 seconds of pee time. Could I only pee for 3 seconds and then stop? What if I couldn’t stop? Worst case scenario I have to slam down some water in a hurry and hope it gets through me fast enough.

I decided to give it a try. I peed right before going to bed last night to start with a clean slate. I had been drinking quite a bit of water all evening so I knew there should be plenty this morning. I got up, and went into the bathroom where I am rebelliously storing my monitor although it told me not to due to moisture. I put it in a Ziploc sandwich bag, I figured that would be safe enough. Sure thing, it asked for a pee stick. I thought, well, here we go. I peed for about 4 seconds getting about 3 seconds worth on the stick then stopped. OY! This is not for the faint of heart. I clenched up for all I was worth, got dressed and took the dog out to pee. I’m glad one of us got to feel better. (I never got to see the result on the monitor since it was still reading the test when I had to leave. I’ll check it tonight but I am expecting a Low day since it is only CD8.)

I got to the hospital and of course was the only one in the waiting room since no one in their right mind would schedule an ultrasound for 6am. I waited and read through the December issue of Country Living and a fishing boat magazine with a wonderful article on how to store live bait to keep it fresh.(Did you know there is special dirt to store your worms that turn them green so they are easier to see and supposedly the fish like them better that way.) I’ll keep that in mind the next time I’m shopping for a bass boat.

The tech looked at my chart and said “So you’ve done this before haven’t you?” I said “Once or twice.” She asked if I had done my drinking and I knodded yes while secretly hoping that I hadn’t let out too much on my pee stick. This apparently was not a problem since she complimented me several times on my nice full bladder. It was uncomfortable enough; it should have been full. The pictures were so clear and so good that she didn’t even have to do the transvaginal today. My first time ever. Usually the pelvic doesn’t show enough (tipped uterus, trouble maker) and they have to break out the dildocam but not today!

I told her that in January I had a 5cm x 2cm cyst on the right side and that I have been feeling pain on the right side for about a week. She confirmed there was a 2.5cm cyst on that side. I wonder why this one is causing pain when the other one didn’t hurt until it ruptured. Since I am taking this cycle off the Clomid it should just go down on its own but I guess I won’t know for sure until next month. Stupid ovary.

How ya doin' Blue?

Still snotty thanks!

 

My uncle sent me an email telling me his cold was still bothering him.  He said he was still blowing his nose quite often and then added "sorry, TMI".  If he only knew what I divulge to perfect strangers he would seriously shake his head.  TMI indeed!

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I am supposed to test on Saturday so I expect AF will show up on Friday morning.  I can say this with some level of certainty after T's flu, my cold and only performing the procedure once anywhere near what may or may not have been O.  The real proof came last night when I went to my knitting group.  One of the ladies brought chocolate cookies with chocolate chips and filled with caramel!  I had not one (breaking my diet) but 2 cookies.  I would have eaten the whole container if no one was looking!  Shit. (Good news is I have officially lost 8 inches from around my waist AND my boobs haven't shrunk anymore.  I think they have hit bottom, WHEW!)

 

The good news is I called the RE clinic and had them send me an information packet.  I can have all the new patient paperwork filled out when I tell my OB/GYN that though she has been loyal (well, not really) all these years she's just not what I'm looking for.  Its not you, its me.  Or, Git 'er Done!  So, I'll be all set when April rolls around and it is time to make that phone call. 

 

We should have some fun scheduling the next SA.  T is taking his vitamin with herbal supplements daily like a good boy.  He does complain however that these pills seem to have turned his pee "neon" yellow and it "smells funny".  He is concerned if we do conceive the child might be radioactive due to his supplements.  Oh yeah, and the pills themselves taste like ass.  I wouldn't know as I haven't tried them but they sure don't smell very good.  The scheduling conflict comes out like so: We want him to have been taking the vitamins for a month, we need to be sure to abstain for at least three days prior to the test which means we also need to work around my next O time and also his Birthday.  We'll see how it goes, the SA may wait until April. :0)

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NOTE: This post was sent by email almost two weeks ago, I'll let it stand since I did intend on posting it here, but keep in mind that the events are no longer timely.

Low

My fertility monitor arrived yesterday. I put the batteries in all excited to start ‘er up and then I sat down to read the instruction booklet. First it said several thousand times on the box, on several pages of the book and even in the flyer inside the box of test sticks, that no product can guarantee conception. Yeah, I was hoping for that money back guarantee myself. Oh well.

I read about how to turn it on, how to use the test sticks, what the little symbols mean and what you are supposed to do in response. I read about low days, high days and peak days. I read about how you aren’t supposed to store the monitor in the bathroom because moisture could get into the machine and screw up the electronics. That is just so damn convenient isn’t it? An appliance that requires pee sticks to function should not be stored where, you know, you pee!

I read that I must wait until this morning to press the M button. The M button sets the time that you will use the contraption on a daily basis. You have a six-hour window of opportunity here. If you think that you will be making your first morning pee sometime between 6 am and noon then you hit the M button (does that mean menstruating, morning or motherfucking irritating? I’m not sure yet.) at 9am which gives you three hours before (6am) and three hours after (noon) as a window of waking times. Now, normally I get up between 5:15 and 5:30 during the week. I typically sleep in until 8 or 9 on the weekends but I have been known to sleep in until 10 on very rare occasions. I decided I needed to push the M button at 8am which would give me the 5 to 11 window. 8am no problem right? Well, except that at 8am I have already been at work for an hour. So, I smuggled the monitor into the office in my purse. I watched the clock like a hawk for an hour (yeah, I got a lot done) then I stuffed the monitor into my sweatshirt pocket (Friday is casual day, I LOVE Friday) and walked very casually toward the ladies room as if that green tea had just all of a sudden become noticeable in my bladder.

I turned on the monitor, I pushed the M button and set it for CD5 and it gave me the Low reading for the day. OK, I’m good to go.

My period started on Monday. Well, sort of. I started spotting Sunday, pretty normal dark brown, thick but with lots of mucus this time. Monday was more spotting, very thick and still mucus-like but it picked up and thinned out in the afternoon so I called it CD 1 and started a new chart. Tuesday was very light, then Wednesday I was back to spotting again. Yesterday I didn’t even wear a pantyliner. Of course my mind thought, wow, I wonder if it was actually implantation instead of AF. I didn’t have the usual cramps and have been feeling very cysty the last few days. Hmmm. So this morning I checked my chart and we are 13DPLSE (13 days past last sexual encounter) which wasn’t anywhere near what O should have been so I’m finding this highly unlikely. Probably annovulatory, maybe.

Tomorrow we will repeat T’s SA. Yes, I said we. I am very involved in this whole process apparently. No magazines or movies for my man, he wants it live! He noticed that I didn’t wear underwear to bed last night. The sign that AF is in town. He said “So, can you get some now?” I hesitated and said “Well, yeah, but I think we might jumpstart things again if we did it this soon.” He thinks it is highly unfair that he wants some, I can have some but we have to wait because of the SA. Poor guy. Last night in his sleep he rolled over to my side of the bed and I thought if he didn’t wake up the test would be shot and we would have to reschedule it. I was able to push him away from me and he rolled back over and continued sleeping. (He does that a lot actually, will roll over to me IN HIS SLEEP and start things and then wake up half way through and realize what we are doing. I of course am awakened right from the beginning and usually start out annoyed by the interruption in my sleep, but he is asleep and doesn’t respond to my protests. Sometimes he even remembers it in the morning. The thing is, its usually good, so I don’t mind so much.) The last SA was mostly good. Morphology was good, motility was good, the count was… low… according to the lab standards. We are hoping that the vitamins have done their job and he will be in normal range this time.

What else is low? Hope. I’m not depressed; I just don’t feel optimistic in the least. I mean nothing at all would convince me that all we need to do is this one other thing and then we’ll get pregnant. I just don’t see it. Of course, this goes back to my whole reverse psychology theory. Pregnancy will come up from behind and whap me on the back of the head like a 2 x 4 when I am least expecting it. Isn’t that how it goes?
OK, anytime then, I’m ready!
I’m NOT expecting it so, you know, whenever is good for you…
Hmm.

Happy Holidays!!!!

We received an envelope yesterday containing a Christmas card for us from the little boy we sponsor over in the Ukraine. It said the package from the Ukraine did not arrive in time to get them to us for Christmas but they sent them out soon after receiving them. It said the card was from O. He is 7 years old and a bit behind developmentally but “with [our] generous support” he is progressing steadily. The card was a store bought post card with a little square of paper on the back on which was printed a generic holiday greeting. At the bottom it said To: Blue (not T, just me) From: O. This was not the writing of a 7-year-old boy. I believe this was the writing of the social worker in the Ukraine who sends us our updates on how he is doing. I wish it had been a piece of paper with something unintelligible scribbled on it. I wish it were really from O.
Merry Christmas O! I think of you often and look at your picture up on the fridge almost daily.

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So today is St. Patrick’s Day. You probably don’t know this about me but I am Irish. I know, I know, EVERYONE is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. Elephant is an Irish name, some spell it O’Elephant but we just stuck to the more simplified version. Well, I might not actually be Irish either. The story goes that the first member of the Elephant family to come over to the States was English and was running away from the law so he changed his name and pretended to be Irish. I have no idea if this story has any base in reality or if it is just family legend but it is the only sort of family history I know so I’m sticking with it. The other story is that the name Elephant was bought during the Civil War. I guess that sort of thing happened all the time back then. I think the fugitive story is more exciting so I’ll go with that one. The Elephant name means a great deal to me.

When T and I were engaged I spent a lot of time contemplating my name. Tradition and social norms suggest that I would take on T’s last name, Trunks. I didn’t want to reject his name or his family but I didn’t want to give up my own either. You see I am the last of the Elephants in both name and bloodline. I have cousins but they are from my aunts who took on their husbands’ names so they all have different last names. My one uncle was married and divorced and does not have children. My brother died young. This leaves me, I’m it. Last man standing as it were. The Elephant family is a close-knit clan and I want my children to be a part of that. I want to pass down the traditions, the love and the name.

When we got married, I added T’s last name to the end of mine. I became Blue Elephant Trunks. The state decided to hyphenate it for me. On my license, it says Elephant-Trunks. This is a pain in the ass. When I call the doctor, go to the pharmacy, make hotel reservations, do anything that requires my name I have to try to figure out how they have me in their system. Sometimes it is just Elephant. Sometimes it is just Trunks. Sometimes they have Elephant-Trunks and sometimes Elephanttrunks. It is annoying. It irritates the person trying to look me up and they give me that look that says, “Damn feminist freak"! They think I’m an asshole who doesn’t know her own name. I smile sweetly and act as if I’m being patient with their out of date computer system which doesn’t recognize hyphenated or combined last names.

I want my children to have Elephant as a middle name. Boys and girls it will work just the same. It would actually make a really good first name but there is one little problem. In the real world, Elephant rhymes with Trunks. I just can’t do that to my kid. Plus, if I name one kid Elephant then what do I do for the other? I figured I would just go with the universal middle name thing. I think it is just easier for the kids that way. Their last name will be Trunks; not Elephant Trunks and they won’t have the confused looks from the other kids at school. (I remember the trouble once my mother was remarried and we didn’t share the same last name anymore. I don’t want to go through that again.)

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One more holiday to recognize. ThreeBee’s anniversary. I tried to leave you a comment but then Blogger flaked out on me. Sorry. I hope you have a marvelous weekend and enjoy the celebration of your life together. I totally understand the theory of “we are not who we were when we got together”. My husband and I have changed so much over the years but it just seems to work out for the better each time. You sound like you are glowing, I hope it continues. (And I don’t mean your skin *wink*)

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-This is the second time I have written this post since I had it all typed into Blogger and then it crashed. I will try the copy and paste method this time and see how it goes.

Thinking Positively

I believe I have found a way to ensure this next cycle will bring that ever elusive second line.

• For a mere dollar the single line on the dollar store test informed me that not only am I not pregnant but that I can declare the Sizzling Apple Pie I ate on Friday night (with ice cream and caramel sauce)  was just me PMSing and not actually cheating on my diet. 
• We are taking this next cycle off of Clomid to give my poor body a break. 
• "All Natural" is "in" these days anyway, right?
• T will repeat his SA this month to see if the super dooper "radioactive" multi-vitamins have helped raise his count. (My post about the "radioactive" vitamins is lost in email/blogger world somewhere.  They turn his pee neon yellow and he is afraid we'll end up with some sort of super-hero-like-mutated child due to this.)
• I ordered myself one of those handy dandy obscenely expensive fertiltiy monitors today. (discounted online, don't worry, not from ebay)
• Going natural, a way which has NOT worked in the past, I should be thinking "There is no way in Hell this will work". 
• Spending all that money on the monitor which I haven't purchased before now because it is obscenely expensive and of course I would get pregnant before it would pay for itself so why spend the money because it was obscenely expensive I have pretty much ensured that I will now get pregnant and I will not get my money's worth out of it.
• Reverse psychology works all the time right?
• Does it work when you are counting on it?
• I hope so.

Numb and Number

I actually have written a post or two this week but I sent them through email and for some reason they are taking their own sweet time about showing up on my blog so I will post this directly to the blog in the meantime.

I have had a question bouncing around in my head for a couple days so I thought that I would take it out and examine it.

Why am I not more depressed?

I say this because I have read blog after blog by women who can't pull themselves out of bed or change their sweat pants from week to week. I understand their heartbreak and I cry real tears for them, but not for myself. I get up and go to work and laugh and go on about my life.

Please don't get me wrong. I know it may sound as if I am saying that I am stronger than some others and that is completely the opposite of my intentions. Read the question again. I am surprised at myself for NOT being as these other women are, at least part of the time.

I have been depressed. I understand depression and the severe weight that it carries. What I don't understand is why I am not feeling it now, now that I am in the thick of it instead of just wishing I was here. (When I couldn't get T to agree to try I was envious of those who were trying. I felt like a player on the sidelines and I wanted to be in the game!)

My first response when asking myself this question was "Well, it is because you knew you would have trouble from the get-go and had accepted that so now you are just going through the motions".

Then I thought, "Well, maybe you are just detached from the TTC experience".

OK, but why? Is it because I truly have no hope of getting pregnant? If that were the case why would I bother with the Clomid and the repeated ultra sounds and wondering if that pain is ovulation or another cyst. Why would I continue to blog and read other blogs and chart and ration out my vacation time in order to save it for maternity leave?

Last night we were discussing our yearly trip to watch the NASCAR race in Michigan in August. I told him I could simply stop taking the Metformin that week and enjoy a few drinks while we were there, since, that is basically the point. Camp out with friends and get hammered, you know, and watch some cars go around the track. He gave me a funny look and then said "Well, hopefully it won't take that long". It never occurred to me that I might actually be pregnant by August. It.never.crossed.my.mind.

Have I become numb from reading blogs and message boards? I have experienced things through other people so I don't need to do it myself? I guess it is possible but this doesn't feel right to me either.

Is it the very sick but unfortunately still very real sense of satisfaction I get from watching T concede that I was right all along and this wasn't going to be just a walk in the park on a sunny Sunday afternoon? Maybe. I have this "I told you so" in the back of my mind after two full years of trying to convince him time was NOT on our side and we really should get the baby ball rolling. I would never express this out loud but I guess I feel a sense of justification for all of my nagging.

I'm not sure. All I know is that with each and every cycle that comes to an end I expect to cry and feel discouraged or feel like a failure but I don't.

Some women feel anger at their bodies for not working properly. Others may feel anger or hatred towards just certain parts of their bodies. They feel they have failed as women, as wives, and mostly as mothers for not being able to do what "normal" women can do. I don't feel this sense of failure. I do hate my body, in the "what have you done for me lately" kind of way. Yes, I am losing weight but I have also been sick for the last three weeks and my cycles are as unpredictable now as they were when I was in high school before I started the pill. I can blame the Endo which is easy but it doesn't feel concrete enough to give any satisfaction. Endo has given me so many problems that have nothing to do with having a baby.

T was almost relieved to get the low count from his SA since it wasn't just me anymore. We could share the responsibility. I don't feel that way at all. To me it is just one more problem to overcome.

We have talked before about the idea of a surrogate or donor sperm. Basically T's feelings are the child should either be biologically related to both of us or neither of us. He doesn't want a half-biological child. We are open to adoption but he really wants a bio child and I think making that switch is going to be a HUGE deal for him. I am already there. I'm ready to sign on the dotted line, he isn't. So, I am going through the motions like a robot, not allowing myself to feel it when the disappointments come.

I don't know if this is healthy or not. Am I in denial or that ever elusive ZEN state that everyone searches for? I'm leaning more towards the former. I think I'm just going to sit back and let T drive this ship wherever he is comfortable and eventually I think we will end up right where I have wanted to be all along. I can't say that I will enjoy the ride, I'm sure I won't. For now, I'm just looking out the window and observing the scenery. If I happen to come across something that elicits an emotional response then I'll deal with it then...I guess.

You Be The Judge

Is it a "Drive-by" if it regards how you care for yourself?  Last night while I was out shoveling the driveway with T:

 

Blue: You know that post-nasal drip/sore throat thing I've had since Friday?

T: Yeah.

Blue: It has now become a head cold.

T: Oh Yeah?

Blue: The second one in two weeks!

T: If you have a head cold you should have a hat on!

 

At which point he declared me "finished" helping and sent me inside to do the dishes.

Good Stuff !

I have decided to make a list of good things that have happened to me lately.

• We had a shower for my SIL this weekend and she looks just fabulous!  I didn't feel a slightest pang of envy the entire time and actually enjoyed myself!
• I bought tickets to see Velvet Revolver when they come to Detroit in April!  Whoo Hoo!  I have the hotel reservations and all that is left to do now is book the dog sitter. Yeah Baby, Yeah!
• As of today we have new health insurance.  One that lets me use my GYN as my primary care provider!  They also will pay for 1/2 of any fertility related treatments where as our old insurance would cover diagnosis but no treatment.
• My natural nails have grown long enough that I could paint them with a French manicure and look all "OOO La-La" if I wanted to, which I don't, but I could if I wanted to.
• My body is producing LOADS of egg-white mucus, unfortunately it is coming from my nose.  Now if I can just get it to migrate South a bit... (NOTE: Swallowing it doesn't work, it only gives you a very sore throat... for a week... or more)
• I went to GNC at lunch and got T a men's multi-vitamin plus herbal supplement (including green tea and L-Arginine)which should help boost that sperm count up into the "normal" range.  He HATES taking pills so for him to agree to this, and to bargain that he would quit drinking as long as he didn't have to give up going to the gym means he is quite serious about this baby-making venture.  I had doubted that up until now. (small sigh of relief)
• I am taking tonight "off". By this I mean that I will not go to the gym but instead focus on things at home.  I will do laundry, change the bed, organize my audiobooks into playlists for my iPod, do the dishes and deposit the rebate checks we just received from Dell.  I will be busy, but at least I will have a full 4-1/2 hours in which to do these things instead of the 2-1/2 I would have if I went to the gym.
• Total weight lost since October = 28 pounds!
• The one co-worker that I just hate, I mean cannot stand to be in the same room with the guy kind of hate, will be out of the office for 6-8 months.  Unfortunately it is because he is undergoing cancer treatments, which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (and this guy fits that description) but we are looking at the positives here and for me, not having him in the office is a positive. If they find his cancer is occupation related then maybe he'll just find a job elsewhere.  That would be a win-win!
• I had an excellent workout last night while listening to Guns-N-Roses, Velvet Revolver, Bon Jovi, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, Alanis Morrissette, Pantera and even a little Slayer.  Motivational music to get the heart pumpin'!
• T bought me the most GINORMOUS strawberries I have ever seen and they are SO GOOD!  I had some on my spelt flakes this morning (along with some flax seeds and soy milk). Yummmm.