Numb and Number

I actually have written a post or two this week but I sent them through email and for some reason they are taking their own sweet time about showing up on my blog so I will post this directly to the blog in the meantime.

I have had a question bouncing around in my head for a couple days so I thought that I would take it out and examine it.

Why am I not more depressed?

I say this because I have read blog after blog by women who can't pull themselves out of bed or change their sweat pants from week to week. I understand their heartbreak and I cry real tears for them, but not for myself. I get up and go to work and laugh and go on about my life.

Please don't get me wrong. I know it may sound as if I am saying that I am stronger than some others and that is completely the opposite of my intentions. Read the question again. I am surprised at myself for NOT being as these other women are, at least part of the time.

I have been depressed. I understand depression and the severe weight that it carries. What I don't understand is why I am not feeling it now, now that I am in the thick of it instead of just wishing I was here. (When I couldn't get T to agree to try I was envious of those who were trying. I felt like a player on the sidelines and I wanted to be in the game!)

My first response when asking myself this question was "Well, it is because you knew you would have trouble from the get-go and had accepted that so now you are just going through the motions".

Then I thought, "Well, maybe you are just detached from the TTC experience".

OK, but why? Is it because I truly have no hope of getting pregnant? If that were the case why would I bother with the Clomid and the repeated ultra sounds and wondering if that pain is ovulation or another cyst. Why would I continue to blog and read other blogs and chart and ration out my vacation time in order to save it for maternity leave?

Last night we were discussing our yearly trip to watch the NASCAR race in Michigan in August. I told him I could simply stop taking the Metformin that week and enjoy a few drinks while we were there, since, that is basically the point. Camp out with friends and get hammered, you know, and watch some cars go around the track. He gave me a funny look and then said "Well, hopefully it won't take that long". It never occurred to me that I might actually be pregnant by August. It.never.crossed.my.mind.

Have I become numb from reading blogs and message boards? I have experienced things through other people so I don't need to do it myself? I guess it is possible but this doesn't feel right to me either.

Is it the very sick but unfortunately still very real sense of satisfaction I get from watching T concede that I was right all along and this wasn't going to be just a walk in the park on a sunny Sunday afternoon? Maybe. I have this "I told you so" in the back of my mind after two full years of trying to convince him time was NOT on our side and we really should get the baby ball rolling. I would never express this out loud but I guess I feel a sense of justification for all of my nagging.

I'm not sure. All I know is that with each and every cycle that comes to an end I expect to cry and feel discouraged or feel like a failure but I don't.

Some women feel anger at their bodies for not working properly. Others may feel anger or hatred towards just certain parts of their bodies. They feel they have failed as women, as wives, and mostly as mothers for not being able to do what "normal" women can do. I don't feel this sense of failure. I do hate my body, in the "what have you done for me lately" kind of way. Yes, I am losing weight but I have also been sick for the last three weeks and my cycles are as unpredictable now as they were when I was in high school before I started the pill. I can blame the Endo which is easy but it doesn't feel concrete enough to give any satisfaction. Endo has given me so many problems that have nothing to do with having a baby.

T was almost relieved to get the low count from his SA since it wasn't just me anymore. We could share the responsibility. I don't feel that way at all. To me it is just one more problem to overcome.

We have talked before about the idea of a surrogate or donor sperm. Basically T's feelings are the child should either be biologically related to both of us or neither of us. He doesn't want a half-biological child. We are open to adoption but he really wants a bio child and I think making that switch is going to be a HUGE deal for him. I am already there. I'm ready to sign on the dotted line, he isn't. So, I am going through the motions like a robot, not allowing myself to feel it when the disappointments come.

I don't know if this is healthy or not. Am I in denial or that ever elusive ZEN state that everyone searches for? I'm leaning more towards the former. I think I'm just going to sit back and let T drive this ship wherever he is comfortable and eventually I think we will end up right where I have wanted to be all along. I can't say that I will enjoy the ride, I'm sure I won't. For now, I'm just looking out the window and observing the scenery. If I happen to come across something that elicits an emotional response then I'll deal with it then...I guess.