The Girl is Growing Up

This past weekend we discovered that she:

• weighs 15 pounds 7 ounces and is 26 inches long


• has two teeth erupting through...slowly


• LOVES those puffy star finger food things


• can sleep quite well in her crib in the nursery as opposed to the bedside bassinet


• can without fail poop extactly one minute before we need to leave the house

Here she is seen playing with her favorite part of this tummy time toy. The red button which makes it switch from the floor position to the upright play-gym position. Who needs bells and whistles when we've got red buttons?

Here she displays the fact that her own feet are no longer good enough to chew on now that she has teeth. She has moved on to bigger and better (?) things, meaning my own feet. Let me tell you, having your big toe bitten by a two toothed tot gets your attention!

What Cecily Said

and I wasted all that birth control...: National Blog For Choice Day

One Lump or Two?

Julie posted about wanting a second child and wanting another pregnancy as the means of getting that child. I did not feel right leaving my entire response in the comments because, as I have become aware, my replies seem to be quite self-centered and in this case, long winded. This is the place where I should write about myself. So here goes…

T and I have agreed not to discuss having a second child until next summer. This will hopefully get us to a place where we are more stable financially and more balanced in our day to day activities. Right now we are flying by the seat of our pants trying to get everything done while we are both working overtime and trying to spend as much time with Azure as possible. This is not easy livin’.

We have discussed it some, enough so that we know that we agree on several points.
#1 – We are both turning 32 this year. We would like our child obtaining via either pregnancy or adoption) to be completed by the time we are 35. We do not want to be in our early 40s with very young children.

#2 – We are both terrified of a second pregnancy. I have been told that 13 weeks into pregnancy my doctor wants to place a cervical cerclage. I foresee bedrest and another preterm birth. Who would take care of Azure while I am on bedrest? My mother would be the natural choice but I cannot and will not just assume that she will do this. If she volunteers to do this and makes that commitment to our family and to the prospect of another grandchild I may take her up on it, but I will not ask her to do this.

#3 – We do not want to go through the NICU experience again. We did it once and we got through it relatively easily. We had WONDERFUL nurses to support us and my parents went to visit Azure several days a week so she had family with her every single day even once I went back to work. But, we again have Azure to think about. She would not be allowed in the NICU, which means someone would have to watch her while we were at the hospital. We also have Maggie to think about. Our poor dog who has been through so much and has suffered by not getting the exercise she really should in the past year. She is a special needs dog. She requires special attention. I would not have it any other way, I love her dearly and do not want to do this to her again. I also do not want to do that to the new baby. At this point, I have to assume that any future baby will have a stay in the NICU and that would be something that we inflicted upon him or her. I cannot willingly do that to someone, especially my own baby. I would have given anything if I could have suffered through the hospital experience instead of Azure but there was nothing I could do about it then. I can choose not to do that to my next child.

#4 – As much planning as we could do to prepare for possible bedrest situations, there is nothing we could do about the anxiety we would both feel about the pregnancy itself. I fear a self-fulfilling prophecy of worrying myself into preterm labor, or the funny farm. I do not like either option. It would not be good for our marriage or for Azure.

#5 – We feel like we have hit the jackpot with Azure. She is a happy, healthy growing little girl who brightens up our lives and has completely captured our hearts. As much as we would like for her to have a sibling, we cannot expect to hit the jackpot again. We are afraid that we used up all of our Karma getting her home safe and healthy. We both remember all too well walking into the NICU and seeing empty beds, which housed babies the day before. We knew which ones went home and which ones did not. Those memories stick with us just as much as the good ones, maybe more so.

I am afraid to attempt another pregnancy. I think T feels the same way.

I am also starting to question my own motives for wanting a second child. I want it for Azure, so that she will have a sibling, not so that I can experience having another baby. I want her to have someone to grow up with, to play with, to conspire with, and against. I want her to have what I did not have. Is that a good reason?

This leads us to adoption. Second Child sans Pregnancy equals Adoption. (Surrogacy seems to freak T right the fuck out so I do not see us going down that road.) As much as I was ready to sign that deposit check and get the adoption show on the road before we conceived Azure I find myself hesitating now. Partly because I am so happy with my daughter and I wonder if I really want to go back to the mindset of wanting a child. I struggled under the mental and emotional weight of infertility for many years. I am no longer in that struggle and, like high school, I do not wish to go back. Even knowing what I know now, I do not want to put myself in that position again.

We cannot afford to adopt right now and a second child would mean me quitting my job to stay home since the daycare for two kids would eat up my pay anyway. So, we need to get to a place financially where we can put some money away, quickly, for an adoption to take place in the next three years or so (to fit into our age 35 agreement). I would be willing to adopt a slightly older child, maybe up to 6 years old, but this child would have to be younger than Azure at the time of the adoption. This of course would allow us to push back our own age limits the older the kids get, see?

I can also see us putting off adoption in order to save the money and then never getting around to it. If that turns out to be the case then I think I would be Ok with that too. I can see us living a very happy life with Azure as an only child. I could allow her to have friends over to play and take a friend along on family vacations, etc. I can see us having a child and a dog and having a very happy comfortable life. As long as I do not get to midlife and regret not having another child, I would be the happiest woman alive. That is another fear I have. I fear future regret. I do not want the 62-year-old version of myself to look back and call the 32-year-old version of myself a coward.

To Summarize:
I fear pregnancy.
I fear raising an only child.
I fear we will not be able to afford adoption in the time constraints we have allowed ourselves.
I fear looking back and regretting the decisions I am making now due to fear.
I have about five months to figure out my position before T and I begin discussions.

Wish me luck.

Ghack

I am still sick. The labyrinthitis has cleared up so I can look at immovable objects and no longer think that they, or I, am spinning. However, the cold/flu which brought that on in the first place is still here/back again. Crap! T is still/again sick and worse than me. We have been battling these ills for about a month now and we would both very much like to feel better. We continue to work overtime and take care of Azure and the dog and somehow keep the household running. There has to be an end, really, sometime soon.

Azure has amazingly remained healthy and happy. How does she do it? I have decided she actually exists in a different dimension. She keeps coming up with the best case scenario. She has officially started teething though there are no actual teeth as proof just yet. The copious amounts of drool that was her everyday norm has been turned up a notch to Holy-Cow-The-Drool! status. She has a runny nose and bright red cheeks and is napping when it suits her fancy. She is LOVING the solid foods and has started to plump up a bit. She actually has a belly now! She has also started trying to crawl. I say trying because she has only been able to scoot herself backwards so far. She'll get there soon though, she is ready to go. She hates to sit still. I must babyproof!!!!!

I would love to make this a nice long post but I just feel like crap and can't think straight. This is my fourth attempt at writing even what I have here so I think we'll leave it at this.

Grounded

I have been grounded. Go directly home, do not pass go, do not collect $200 and for goodness sakes do not drive yourself!

I was right, I have Labyrinthitis. Resulting from the still present sinus infection (my first ever officially diagnosed sinus infection!) and all the pressure built up in my Eustachian tubes. I had my mom take me to the med center yesterday so that I could get the pills I had last time that made the world stop spinning so that I could drive myself to work today. Trouble is, the doctor said I am still contagious and I need to rest to get over this thing so he wrote me a doctor's note saying I should not go back until Monday. I actually have an honest to goodness doctor's note excusing me from work for the next two days! I feel like I am in elementary school or something! I would go to work if someone would drive me. See, the pills I wanted that make the world stop spinning so that I can drive are also a strong sedative so I am not supposed to drive while taking them. !!!!!!!!

My mother came this morning and took the baby for the day, she would have had her all day while I was at work anyway so no big strain there. I am now home, not supposed to drive and no baby or husband around. Just me and the dog. I have been wanting a day like this so that I can get some things done but I am supposed to be resting. T said he is requiring 75% rest, the other 25% can be chores done slowly throughout the day.

Time to nap. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

WHEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I have a cold/cough/flu sort of thing. I think it may have taken up residence in my inner ear since I awoke at 2:30am to the feeling of the room spinning wildly about me. Yes, I was laying down at the time. No, I was not drunk. I FEEL drunk though. I did go into the bathroom thinking I might revisit what was left of my dinner but the nausea passed. I am left with the vertigo. I have had this before. It is called Labyrinthitis. Fun stuff. They give you pills to make the images your eyes are seeing correspond with the messages your brain is receiving because if they don’t you feel, well, tipsy.

How many computers are sitting in front of me right now?

How many attempts did it take to write that last sentence?

It is Wednesday and my doctor’s office is closed.

This isn’t necessarily a BAD feeling. One usually must consume large amounts of alcohol or some other mind altering substance to feel this way. I am getting it FREE!

What about Azure? What if I drop her, or trip, or just fall over?

What if I crash my car on the way home tonight? I could pass a blood alcohol test but probably not a roadside sobriety test at this point.

I am so tired. I need to sleep. Someone wake me up when it is time to go home.




ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Visitors Messing Up My Day

So the holidays came and went. (A great time was had by all, thank you!) I am now dealing with three visitors on which I had not planned.

The first is a former national leader who is being laid to rest in my home town today. Believe it or not I had to adjust Azure's childcare for the day as I have multiple family members taking part in the private funeral this afternoon. One of those family members is participating at the special request of the former national leader's family. I passed by the official former national leader's museum this morning on my way to work and took note of the armed gunmen on the roof. There are Secret Service and FBI agents all over town. Roads are closed and people keep hearing planes flying overhead ensuring a safe airspace. If I grew up in Washington D.C. I may be used to this sort of thing, but as they keep repeating on the local news here, this is the biggest logistical/historical event to happen in our city, like, ever. One note of interest is that my grandmother's picture is hanging in the official former national leader's museum as she taught ballet with this particular national leader's wife way back in the day. (I have small indirect claims to fame.)

The second visitor is AF who decided that after all of our time apart she just couldn't wait an entire month to see me again. After only two weeks she is back full force and I can't say that I am overly happy to see her again so soon. Hopefully this is a fluke and I will not be on the two week plan in the long term. If that is the case we will be ditching the progesterone only bcps and going back to non-functioning ute land.

The third and most unwelcome of the three visitors is a cold/flu/virus combo sort of thing. It started out as a bit of a sore throat with some sinus pressure, then it worked itself up to full body aches with chills and a low fever and today it has rounded itself out to a scratchy sore throat and a "productive cough" which brings up some bad tasting shit. I am taking Azure in for her Synagis shot this afternoon and will keep my fingers crossed as I knock on wood that she has not been sick since leaving the hospital and hope that she remains healthy despite my own personal path towards a sloven lump on the floor. My voice is gone so I can only croak like a frog or bark like a seal. I hope I do not end up answering the phone at work today.

I think it is possible that visitors two and three are actually my body's way of tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Excuse me Blue, you are a woman who is working full-time and raising an infant who requires a bit of extra attention. You are worn out. Slow the Fuck Down!" The big question of 2007 will be whether I listen to my body or beat it into submission. Care to place any bets?