March for Babies

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Moment

My entire life has been spent dwelling on the past and dreaming (sometimes in nightmares) about the future.  I spent years in therapy which didn't help and then a few short months in therapy that did help.  I spent my teen years waiting to graduate and go to college.  I spent my college years waiting to graduate and move in with T.  I spent my time living with T waiting to get married.  Then I spent four years waiting to TTC and you know the rest from there. 
I have spent my life trying to get over losing my brother at a young age and my parent's divorce.  I was never happy with what I had. I always mourned what I had lost and wanted something more. 
A couple years ago around Christmas I became really interested in Buddhism.  I studied it in college along with the other religions that were part of my Comparative Religions major. (It was supposed to be my minor but I realized I only needed like two more classes for a second major so why the Hell not, right?)  I was searching for something to fill a void in me.  I needed something to hold me up in the face of Infertility. (Being an atheist this was sort of difficult.)  I decided that Buddhism wouldn't work since the whole point is to let go of your desires and what Infertile can drag herself off to the RE for a post-coital and say she has honestly shed her desires?  Yeah, it didn't really fit. 
Anyway, my point is this.  Even though it is hard and I am tired and I am stressed and I get overwhelmed now and again, I think I finally have what I have been waiting for.  I have a beautiful home (small starter house with a wife-beating-drug-addict living across the street, but I love it anyway), I have a husband who is my best friend, I have a beautiful daughter who is beating all the odds this world is setting against her and a dog who loves to snuggle on the couch.  (Ok, to be honest I still have Endometriosis and wonky works (CD 42 and counting) but I think that would happen regardless.)
My point is, I am happy.  Busy and tired and happy.  Which I think is why I have not been writing.  I have mentioned before that I write when I am depressed.  I haven't been depressed since Azure came home.  I have been exhausted and I have had times when I needed a break, but I have not been depressed.
I think I will take a break for a while from the writing.  I don't need it the way I did when I started blogging.  It was always more for me than for the readers anyway.  I also know that those readers changed when I got pregnant and changed again DRASTICALLY when Azure came so early.  I have needed those readers.  You Dear Wonderful People In The Computer!  I needed the support so very much.  But this is where I say, "It's not you, it's me" and "I still want to be friends!" 
There is enough guilt wrapped up in motherhood for simple things like not clipping those fingernails before she sliced her nose open in the middle of the night, or not realizing until too late that she had pooped her pants and it had leaked out the side all over her blanket and the bouncy and by the time you realize it the mess had started to dry and solidify and she was almost stuck to the damn chair. (See?)  I do not need to feel guilty in my life for not blogging (both reading and writing) right now. (Please note this is self-inflicted guilt not put on me by anyone else.) Things may change, possibly relatively soon (a month? six months?), but for now, what I need is a little space...in the real world.
We are doing great.  If we weren't I wouldn't be writing this right now. Thank you all for your unbelievable support and encouragement.
For the time being, I am living in the moment.

21 comments:

ThreeBees said...

So glad you are content and where you want to be in the moment. Best of luck. . .

Reese said...

Good for you, Blue. Hoping the next time you write is for happy reasons again. Good luck with the pumping!

If you get the chance, try to update with how Azure is doing/growing, okay?

Cricket said...

Congrats on being content. It can be so elusive, but you've found it.

lagiulia said...

Will miss you, but you are absolutely right to take time for yourself and enjoy. I stopped blogging for a while after the babes were born, and then recently I felt the need to blog again... but started a different blog. All to say, thanks for the good read and take care.

Beth said...

I don't blame you one bit, Blue. I'm very happy for you. I still would like to meet up sometime when we both have a chance. You have my e-mail addy.

Lots of love,
Beth

JJ said...

I wish you nothing but the best. Please keep in touch!

lisa said...

I'll miss you. As an infertile that completely missed my window, I'll finally delurk to let you know that I've been reading and cheering for you and Azure. It's been part of my daily ritual to see if you've posted and what's new with Azure. It's been so wonderful to hear how she is thriving. I am so happy for you and your little family. Enjoy this time. I am very happy that you will be enjoying the moment and don't feel the need to blog anymore, although I will miss you. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us and all the very best to you.

Sol said...

I totally understand where you are coming from, having done the same thing myself.

I think it´s very healthy for you to take a break and focus on your life, now that Azure is here to be enjoyed. Living the moment with the little one and husband, what else could you possibly want?

You are wonderful. Take care of yourself and please do let me know how you are all doing once in a while. You have my email for whatever you may need.

Anonymous said...

I've enjoyed your blog, which helped me understand more about what parents with babies in the NICU deal with (I already got the IF stuff b/c I'm living it). Although I will miss reading about you and Azure, I'm glad to hear you are happy and that that is what has prompted you to move on. May you and your family enjoy a wonderful future. -- Alex

DD said...

Thank you for letting us know. It's the best compliment you can give to your readers.

I also hope that you are able to leave up your blog to help those not only struggling with infertility, but those who may find themselves where you were with Azure. Your strength and grace are nothing short of heroic.

Well-heeled mom said...

I'll miss your updates on Azure, but I an so, so glad that she is well. Enjoy her.

J said...

Dear Blue, I'm so happy for you. I think I posted here only once so I'm basically a lurker. I found you around the time when Azure was born - I read your archives in a matter of hours, and then I kept cheering and praying and refreshing. You are a wonderful person and the way you tell your story is truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing it. I hope you leave your blog up. Again, I am so very happy for you and your family... I wish you all the very best.

daysgoby said...

This is a magic time - enjoy every minute of it!

All best -
Jess

Ollie said...

I am wishing you and your family continued happiness. As much as I would miss you, I hope you never have reason to blog again (given the reason you stated for writing).

Em said...

Oh keep writing...

I understand why you want a break though. I really related to your post. I have always lived my life waiting for things and not living in the moment. I find it really difficult. Still do.

K said...

Have a wonderful time enjoying life and your beautiful family! I'll miss reading you and can't wait for an update in the future!

Heels said...

I love reading blogs where the writer stops writing as much or at all because she's happy and settled and things are just right for her.

Be well, enjoy your girl and ohhh, that whole living in the moment thing. That's big stuff.

Anonymous said...

I wish you the very best - enjoy your wonerful life!

Rachel A said...

So happy to hear from you, Blue. It sounds like Azure is doing amazing! Best of luck. We'll miss you.
Rachel A

erinberry said...

I'm very happy for you, that you've found peace and happiness.

Best of luck.

jenbuster said...

Good luck Blue, and enjoy that time!