No Endo is a Good Endo...

"So how are you feeling?"

 

This is the question I am asked most these days. The answer is, I feel fine. Good actually. It is a bit strange. This is the first time in I don't know how long, I have not felt the effects of Endo. I am one of those people with Stage I Endo, not very bad, but I do feel pain from it, daily, whereas someone with Stage IV might not feel any pain. (Strange duck this disease.) I was first diagnosed after finally confessing to pain so bad I actually had to sit down in the mall while shopping with a friend. That was a full year into the pain at that level and the first time I told anyone about it, ever.

 

So here I am 12 years later and amazingly pregnant, no pain, no sickness, feeling a bit more energetic than I did the first couple of months (possibly due to the increase in my thyroid medication?) and still nothing to show for it. I am not showing yet (though my "skinny" pants are too small and my "fat" pants are too big), I can't feel the baby yet, I have nothing other than the absence of my usual Endo symptoms to tell me things are different. *Shrug* (Oh, and I found out yesterday that Christmas songs on the radio make me cry huge weeping sobs.)

 

You know what? I'll take it.

 

I have a sister-in-law who suffered horrible pain and chronic sickness only to discover last year that the problem was Endo. After hearing me go on and on about how awful I felt and how frightened I was I might never get pregnant she and my BIL started trying right away. She was getting a bit worried when 5 months went by and no double lines showed up, but then, just in time for Christmas last year they announced they were expecting. Not the first grandchild in the family but it would be the first boy! He was born in June. She told me a couple weeks ago that pregnancy gave her the most relief from her Endo. She felt good, she is breast feeding her now 5 month old and has suffered pain and near constant bleeding. The Endo came back right away and with a vengeance.

 

I do not know what to expect after birth. I do not know how long my reprieve will last. I guess I should just enjoy it now, eh? If non-endo is the biggest symptom of pregnancy I shall face, then I think I have won the mother-load jackpot. Fingers crossed that it continues.

 

On another topic... My visit to the endocrinologist yesterday (another endo I don't like), The Thyroid Guru. The man has no bedside manner. They don't even close the door to the exam rooms in this office since you leave all your clothes on and they really don't even want you to sit on the exam table since then they would have to change the paper again. He rarely ever looks up from the chart to actually look at you, the patient. He choked me (squeezed my neck to check the size of the thyroid gland) and had me swallow. Asked if I had experienced any nausea, dizziness or fainting. No to all three. He then started laughing aloud. Actually laughing, not fake. I was a bit surprised and must have looked it. He said I was the first healthy person he had seen all day. I took that to be a good thing. Here is the bad part. The last time I visited him, I must have been a bit behind on my fluid intake for the day since the lab tech could not get any blood out of me. Three pokes later she handed back my slip and told me to try a different lab some other time as clearly I was as dry as the Sahara Desert. This time, in order to avoid a repeat performance, I drank a bottle of Gatorade followed by a full quart of water before my appointment. I sat there in the waiting room; leg bouncing thinking how much this would help me in the end and to just hold on. I sat there in the exam room trying to read Newsweek and failing since all I could think of was "Where is the bathroom and why in the world don't they close the doors in this place?" while trying not to listen in on his other patients' consultations. I thought about how unfair it was that they weighed me with my winter coat on (I did take off my boots) and when I had such a full bladder. I also was afraid my blood pressure might be too high due to the over crowding of fluids in my system but it came in at a nice 116/60. (The nurse assured me that I did not have to push up the sleeve of my sweater but then proceeded to velcro the blood pressure cuff TO my sweater. I have a nice patch on the underside of my arm that is extra fuzzy now. GRRR!)

 

Anywho...I still need to go to the lab to get blood drawn for that. Hopefully I have stabilized and can continue my current dosage and won't have to go back to waste another hour of my life in that office. According to the baby centered website the kid should be producing his/her/its own thyroid by now so it might ease up on me a bit. But then again, you never know with me. I am a freak, remember?

Thanks

I am thankful for my most fabulous wonderful husband who is slowly digesting his turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits in the basement whilst trying to finish his GT-4 endurance race.  We ditched all three families this year (my mom's side, my dad's side and his family) to have our own Thanksgiving, just the two of us.  We went to the gym, went to the store and then commenced to cooking and eating.  Once we become less comatose we shall walk the dog.

 

I am thankful for the dog we are about to walk.  She is a bit high maintenance but she is oh so cute and loving.  She is currently sprawled out on the floor next to me trying to sleep off her turkey nibbles.  I am sure she will wake up when someone actually says W-A-L-K out loud.

 

I am thankful that I am 12 weeks and 2 days into this most un-textbook of pregnancies.  I never understood how people could get so far along without realizing they were pregnant.  I know now that the horribly sore boobs and literally gut-wrenching constipation were both symptoms of the progesterone supps.  I find myself now with NO pregnancy symptoms unless you count the necessity of taking the prenatal vitamin every day.  Very disconcerting.  HOWEVER, as surreal as this all seems, I know that come June when/if this child should actually emerge from my body, I will utter the most unintelligible speech of gratitude ever on the face of the planet.

 

I am thankful that tomorrow is my fifth wedding anniversary.  How did that happen?  I still feel the raw pain I felt when I wanted so badly for T to propose, knowing the ring was right there in the closet and all he had to do was ask me.  I waited for so long and it hurt me so badly, to the core of my being when each and every holiday and birthday or simply a romantic moment would go by without that proposal.  What I realize now is that I wasn't fishing for the big question or the ring, I wanted to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he felt the same way about me that I did about him.  I know now. 

 

I am thankful for so many, many more things but these are the biggest.  These are the ones closest to my heart, in my own life.

 

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.  Thank you to the troops on active duty all over the world, please come home safe and soon.  And, a general good day to those reading in other lands. Thanks for reading.

Coming Out of the Closet

I "came out" at work today.

 

I brought in cookies with pink and blue M&M's in them. (My boss's favorite cookies.)

 

I have gotten many hugs and congratulations.

 

The owner bought lunch for the whole office to celebrate. 

 

They are all quite happy for me as they know this did not come easily.

 

I feel like a big fat liar.  I keep thinking that I am not really pregnant.  That I must have flipped my lid and people are just playing along with me until the men with the white coats show up and haul me away to the loony bin.

 

11 weeks yesterday.

 

When will this start to feel real?

 

I went to a toy/baby store the other day and looked at bottles and pack n plays and strollers.  I walked back out just completely overwhelmed.  I can't convince myself I actually need these things.

 

I have told everyone now.  Everyone has been ecstatically happy for us.  When will I start to be ecstatic myself?  I am happy, oh so happy that this might work out. I don't live in constant dread or bothered by dbts all day.  I just feel like the whole thing is a dream and I will wake up at any minute. I am not depressed or down, just in denial or something.

 

On the moving forward front, I am down to 100mg Prometrium once per day and the constipation is easing off a bit.  Not gone all together quite yet, but getting better.  

Regular OB Appointment #1

Yesterday afternoon we had our first "normal" OB appointment as opposed to those with the Fertility God.  Basically we just answered a whole bunch of family health history questions, she did a brief exam and said to come back in a month. 

 

My first question is, why did they weigh me and THEN ask for the urine sample.  Hello people, the appointment was in the afternoon so you know the weight was not accurate anyway since I had been eating and drinking all day.  Plus, Hello Again, pregnant woman, need to pee ALL THE TIME.  Couldn't we do this in a different order?  ALSO, they made no notes that I could tell that the weight might have been slightly skewed by the...um...not-so-regularity we...OK...I have been experiencing lately as a result of the extra progesterone I am consuming.

 

She did recommend backing off the bananas, eating more apples (I have at least one a day anyway) and pears and salads.  This lead T to spontaneously go to the store last night to buy produce. Must have FIBER!!! I also will add oatmeal into my daily diet and not simply rely on my Total (whole grain) cereal at breakfast, stool softeners, fiber supplements, apple and don't forget the required amount of candy to set off the side effects of the Metformin I am taking which all together might help me eliminate some of that extra weight every two days or so.  Sheesh!  I can't wait to get rid of this extra progesterone.

 

We tried to hear the heartbeat on a doppler device but since I can't ever just be NORMAL my uterus is tipped backwards (always has been) so the baby is farther away from the surface of my skin than normal.  The dopplar couldn't pick up the sound of the fetal heartbeat, it kept getting my own instead.  T squeezed my hand and said, "SHHHH!" but there wasn't much I could do about the volume of my own heart so we will have to wait until our next appointment to hear it.  She said if we were really worried about it we could come back in a couple weeks to try again.  My reaction was, "Yes! OK! Let's do that!"  T thinks I am too pessimistic and we should wait until December 8, our next scheduled appointment.  *sigh*

 

Oddly enough, the weirdest part of the whole thing was having to sign the consent form for HIV testing.  I have never been tested since I have never been in a high risk group or participated in any high risk activities, but, might as well if the insurance will pick up the tab right?  However, you know how you can faithfully 100% know the answer to something until someone asks you the question and then you start questioning yourself?  (It is just like in college when I was doing six months of Lupron shots to ward off the Evil Endo and I had to assure them each time that I wasn't pregnant by having an in office test.  Each time, though I knew I wasn't pregnant I sat there foot tapping biting my nails praying and hoping for a negative. My how things can change in 10 years.)  Nothing like adding a little anxiety into the mix, oh wait, I'm anxious anyway...

 

I am taking today off of work (because I can!!!) and plan on cleaning up the office at home, filing the stuff I have piled on the floor up until now.  This afternoon I will take the Firebird in for new tires and get my blood drawn since the OB doesn't have a lab in the office.  Tomorrow we are off to Chicago for the weekend, then Monday I have another day off.  *HUGE SMILE*

 

To sum up:

(To paraphrase Han Solo on the intercom to the Storm Trooper security center after blasting into the prison cell block where the Princess was being held.)

 

We're all fine here...uh, thank you.  How are you?

Nerves

There's nothing like an afternoon doctor's appointment to bring on the anxiety is there?

I should probably write something...

I have been reading blogs like crazy, just not writing myself.  Let's see what I can come up with.

 

I keep having dreams that the baby is already here.  In every dream I have had a boy, with blond curly hair and he is tall (overly tall, can't fit in my lap to breastfeed) and skinny as all get-out.  I tried to swaddle him in one dream but he was just too damn long.  I think I am having subconscious fears of breastfeeding actually, since I have more than once dreamed that my nipple (always the left one) was stretched out like 4 inches long.  I just look down at it in wonderment while T stares on a bit horrified. 

 

One dream scared the shit out of me.  The dog was pacing around the bed (in real life) and fussing at me to get up.  I kept yelling (OK, demanding sternly)  for her to go lay down as it was the middle of the fucking night.  If she wanted to go downstairs to sleep then just GO already, let me sleep!  I then dreamed that my two year old blond curly haired son was trying to get me up from bed to play.  I screamed at him that it was the middle of the night even though the clock (in my dream) said it was 10am and the sun was out and he wanted to play.  He ran over to the toy chest to pick out a toy and I grabbed him by his ankles and held him upside down until he agreed to let me go back to bed. He never looked scared, just kept smiling at me as if he was right and knew I was wrong.  That made me even more angry.   I woke up feeling sick at how I had reacted in my dream.  I know I was annoyed at the dog, I know I will want those times to sleep in and the child will not let me.  I just hope beyond hope that I never react with that violent anger.  It was so scary just to dream about it. 

 

Last night I dreamed that I told my girlfriends from high school that I was pregnant.  One of them went to the same Fertility God that I saw in order to conceive her first child. She actually recommended that I go see him.   The second came naturally.  She was so upset by my news, like an infertile would have trouble wishing another congratulations while they were still struggling.  I knew she was upset and I tried very hard to be gentle and understanding.  I don't think that she will react this way at all in real life when I do actually tell her, I wonder why I dreamed this. The fact of the matter is, her son is 9 months old and I have yet to see him since the one day she invited me over I had a bad cold and didn't want to get the baby sick.  After that, it was very convenient to be busy. *sigh* I am horrible.

 

None of my dreams so far have dealt with labor or delivery.  This is not a subject that I am particularly worried about.  I suppose it could just be a bit premature to think of these things as I will only be 10 weeks along tomorrow.  L & D might enter my dreams the closer we come to actually having to face these things.  I do know that in the dreams I have had I remember nothing of delivery.  My friend even asked me for the birth story in one and I told her I couldn't remember.  Weird.

 

My theory however is that pregnancy itself does not bring on fatique.  It is the constant dreaming that makes one not rest well which makes her tired during the day. *YAWN*

 

So, the most interesting part (as if any of this has been interesting to anyone but me) of these dreams is that I keep dreaming I have had a boy but T is convinced it will be a girl and he even has me thinking (when awake) that this could be true.  SO, the big question is, who is right?  T or my subconscious?

Dear Asshole...

November 2, 2005

 

[ Owner of Siding Company],

Please find the enclosed payment for the siding job completed on our home this fall. I wanted to take one last opportunity to express the displeasure my husband and I have found in our dealings with your company. We had calls that were not returned, evidence of non-communication throughout your organization and mistakes that caused delays beyond our control.

These delays caused us to go past the cut-off date on the pre-approval of the financing forcing us to call the financing company for approval for the third time since beginning our associations with [Siding Company]. In the time between our second approval and our third, the interest rate rose from 14% to 18%, which means we are now paying even more money for the same job. A job we were told would be done in early August and would only take three or four days to complete. It was not until the last week of October that we considered this job complete to our satisfaction. This should be considered utterly unacceptable by you and by your industry standards.

I thank you [Owner] for taking the time to discuss our grievances and attempt to come to a mutual resolution. However, I must say that even after those conversations we failed to find an improvement in the way [Siding Company] does business. It was pretty much more of the same.

The house looks great. Please do not think that we are unhappy with the craftsmanship. Our issues are strictly with the lack of communication and organization in the office and especially between our sales representative, [Sales Schmuck] with the workers on site and ourselves. It would be my recommendation that in lieu of a commission, [Sales Schmuck]attends a time management/customer service seminar. If he was truly overloaded this summer as you mentioned, then his supervisor, (you?) should have stepped in for the sake of the customers involved.

We shall specifically avoid using your company for our future home improvement needs and will be telling our friends and family to do the same. It is unfortunate in this day of technology and super-communication (email, cell phones, voice mail, etc.) that one cannot rely on good customer service when spending large dollar amounts such as this.

It is also duly noted that while there seemed to be no rush in completing the work on our home, when it came time to collect the bill, we received many more phone calls and requests for us to communicate with you. Makes one think about priorities, doesn’t it?

 

Thank you for your time.

 

 

Blue :-P

Are you tired of hearing about the poop yet?

If you say "Yes" and I find out you read Dooce, then I shall personally call you out as a hypocrite!  Not that it would mean much, but still, your integrity is at stake. Don't take chances with your integrity.

 

So you have heard me complain before about the poop, or rather, lack thereof.  I firmly believe the progesterone is to blame.  I have always had low progesterone so have been on supplements for years, even before TTC, just so that I would have regular cycles. Still, I have never had trouble like this before.  The Prometrium has not been friendly in the elimination area (even before my BFP the Prometrium was backing me up). 

 

T saw me mixing my orange juice the other day with a spoon and, realizing that I was not fixin' an ice cold screwdriver, asked what was up.  Metamucil, my new friend.  Since THREE stool softeners and 1500mg of Metformin were not helping AT ALL I decided to call in reinforcements.  "Time to poop?" he asked.  "I would like it to be," was my reply.  His eyes bulged thinking that I had not yet moved at all since complaining the weekend before.  I had gone some, but, only a little and there was more where that came from which was not so convinced that life was better on the outside. 

 

My belly has been bloated, my pants don't fit and I have gained 8 pounds in these first 9 weeks.  People, If this continues I think I shall birth a 6-pound baby and a 40-pound shit!  This cannot continue.  But, what to do?  I must continue the Prometrium for another two weeks.  I asked about a different progesterone supp. which I have used in the past without this problem.  Nope, must be the Prometrium. *sigh*

 

But then, Ahhh, sweet relief.  For some reason in the last three days I have moved a load off of my mind...and out my ass. (Sorry, I may have crossed a TMI line just then.)  "What," I was thinking, head in hand, elbows on knees staring at the floor in the ladies room "has changed to make this happen?"  I am still on 1500mg Met, 3 stool softeners a day, no Metamucil yet this week, still on the Prometrium.  What gives? 

 

Then it hit me.  Halloween candy!  The SUGAR in the Halloween candy I have been eating in not-so-slight moderation.  I have always heard women on Met say to stick to a low-carb low-sugar diet to avoid the nasty side effects.  I never had those since I was pretty much on a low-carb low-sugar diet to begin with.  I think the Met+Sugar effect just finally caught up with me.

 

So, my new regimen will be 1500mg Met, 3 stool softeners and a Twix or two...or three. :0)  This should be just enough to keep things moving in the right direction. 

 

So the new question is, Gestational Diabetes vs. Not Pooping.  Lessor of two evils?