Reflections and Resolutions

It is New Years. Well, almost.  So, I thought I would reflect on the past year and look ahead to the new one.

 

Let's see.  2005 included Metformin, Clomid, lots of time in the gym and much much much stress over money and my marriage.  My marriage because I became completely obsessed with baby making to the exclusion of all other things and money because our personal finances happened to be one of those things I excluded.  Hence, more stress on the marriage.  Luckily round about April my husband gave me a gentle and loving back hand and I pulled my head out of my own ass and rejoined the rest of the world...sort of.

 

June brought about our first cycle with the Fertility God.  I thought he was right on target with the Letrozole (Femara) and loved actually getting a u/s to check for follies as this had not been done by my GYN while on the Clomid.  We of course failed miserably at the post coital.  It really wasn't good for either of us considering we were both burnt to a crisp after an afternoon at the beach which lead T to believe we weren't really that bad off, it was our lack of enthusiasm that did us in. *eyes rolling*  The failed post coital lead us to our first IUI, which just about drove me into the looney bin.  I was shocked, amazed and astounded at how fast things had changed.  We went in for a u/s expecting to be told to go home and enjoy each other for the next couple days and we would see what came of it.  Instead, we were told to return the next day with the sample and 'round about lunch-time we would do an insemination.  Huh?  My head still spins when I think of it.  I was ready to move on to IUI, just not mid-cycle.  It really through me for a loop.

 

Then there was the siding on the house and the trip to Seattle for my friend's wedding.  In the end I can say the wedding was beautiful, we love the new siding and it was marvelous to take that cycle off.  At the time...there are not enough synonyms of the word stress to describe what the summer (and well into fall) was like for us.  Just not enough.

 

At the end of August we started our next cycle.  Again with the Letrozole/IUI.  Fingers crossed it would work this time.  I took the day of the insemination off hoping the relaxation would give me a bit of an edge rather than rushing to get it done on my lunch hour.  That afternoon T and I went to the beach and played and splashed in the biggest waves we had seen all summer.  We had a blast.  It was really fun. 

 

The two week wait went by really quickly.  I was busy at work and thinking of failure anyway so what was the point in obsessing over the horrendous constipation that had consumed my body (thank you Prometrium my evil evil friend)?  I tested rather perfuctorily on the 15th day post IUI just to get it out of the way, and ...so that I could drink heavily with a clear conscience at the System of a Down concert we would attend that evening.  Low and behold, there were two lines.  My initial reaction was, "What the Hell is that?"  Followed quickly by, "How the Hell did that happen?"

 

The betas came back favorably, the 6 week and 8 week ultrasounds showed blobs growing on target with an itty bitty flashing heartbeat.  Next thing I know I am booted back to the OB/GYN and am scheduling monthy exams with her and not so monthy visits to the endocrinologist to keep my wacky thyroid in check.

 

Head still spinning. Still shocked, amazed, astounded and disbelieving.

 

I now find myself 17 weeks plus 3 days pregnant and looking forward to the end of January.  You see, not only will that bring my birthday which I so dreaded last year (I didn't care so much about turning 30 as I did about having a baby when I was 30. That didn't work out so well.) but we shall also have our big ultrasound in which the blob will look like an actual baby with bones and legs and fingers and a nose and hopefully we will find out what "the kid" will actually be. Light Blue is referred to as "the kid" everywhere else in my life.  My father thinks this is fabulous and insists we should go with Billy or Billie for whichever gender we end up with.

 

Boy or Girl.  So many things hinge on this one 50/50 chance.  First of all, my mother can stop calling it "Whoozit".  Secondly, T and I can start discussing names.  Thirdly, I can finish picking things out for my registry without having everything be yellow and green.  I am not against these colors per se, they just aren't my style.  Also, I found a LOVELY book of knitting patterns called "Daddy's Little Girl" and I would LOVE to be able to make something up and surprise T with it for Father's Day but of course, if we have a boy that might be a bit inappropriate, don't ya think?

 

Moving on...my resolution last year was to get healthy.  I lost about 40 pounds and have had more compliments on my looks this year than I ever have before.  I feel great and I am happier with life in general.  Contented with the way I am now.  My resolution in 2006 is this...I will be a good mother.

 

This scares me a bit because I have no idea what the Hell I am doing when it comes to mothering.  I plan on playing it by ear and not making any preconceived ideas/notions/fantasies or expectations.  One of my favorite sayings is, "If you expect nothing, you will never be disappointed".  This sounds very harsh and cynical but it is OH SO TRUE and can be used for good as well as evil.  I choose to use it for good.  Prepare for everything, expect nothing. 

 

Happy New Year to all of you.  I hope that 2006 brings you everything you have hoped and dreamed for.  I shall raise my glass of sparkling grape juice at midnight and think of all the infertiles, and wish this next year brings manifestation of all of your dreams.

Oh Joy, Oh Bliss

How much better can life get?  I am sitting in my brand new, delivered 5 minutes ago, recliner (Christmas gift from T for the nursery) writing on my now completely wireless laptop.  Ha!  I have a home network, go figure.  Can life get much better?  Well, Ok, in June I shall write you on my wireless laptop from my recliner with a little one resting comfortably asleep in a sling around my neck. How about that?  (Those who know better, please don't burst my bubble yet.  I am still in that denial stage about what life with a baby will really be like.)

 

Merry Christmas to all! And Happy Chanukah Dear Wessel! 

Blue :0)

Eeek! I have been Tagged!

Jen P. tagged me!

5 Things:

1) I have two big book ideas which my friends and family agree would make me a best selling author in no time. One is actually a series of childrens books based on a cartoon version of my dog Maggie. I have gone so far as thinking about getting my incredibly talented cousin to do the artwork but thinking is as far as it has gone so far. The other is a suspense novel based on the “true” story of a love triangle that may or may not actually be happening to some people I know. I get new material all.the.time. because it keeps going on (love, infidelity, lies and at least one death). Trouble with that is…my conscience won’t let me write it. One of the people involved is a friend who has supported me throughout TTC and is absolutely extatic now that I am expecting. It may never be written. Damn integrity gets in the way sometimes.

2) My second major in college was Comparative Religions (Shinto, Buddhism, West African traditions, Native American traditions, along with JudeoChristian traditions, etc.). I think I was searching for faith, something I could actually say I believed in. I did not find it. Basically it started out as one elective class that I loved (Japanese Religions) so I took another one and by the end I had enough credits to forgo the minor and just get the second major. If I wanted to take only 30 more credit hours (a whole ‘nother year) I would have had a second bachelors degree to go with my BS in Psychology.
Note: I am now working at a job that uses neither major and feel I am losing brain cells on a minute by minute basis.

3) I am a huge supporter of Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgendered Rights. Equal rights, not special rights. Gay Marriage, Gay Adoption, Equal Partner Benefits, etc. However, I do not have any family or friends in the GLBT community. How did this come about? It all started in the 8th grade when our school band went to see the symphony play downtown. In the lobby before the performance T and I were killing time around the pay phone but had no money to place a call. I called the first 800 number that popped into my head. It was the AIDS information hotline. I asked them to send me their free information package. It arrived a short time later and I read through it absolutely horrified by the disease. I was heartbroken to learn so many people had become ill and were turned away by their loved ones because of the way they lived their lives. It hurt me and angered me. It was just WRONG! I called back year after year to get updated information and swore that as an adult I would be an AIDS counselor and help those people who didn’t have the help from their families. I may still do that one day once I can go back to school for my Masters in Social Work.

4) I have never been good at telling time on a round faced clock. When I was in 4th grade I was one of those kids pulled out of normal class time to go get special tutoring in math. My problem wasn’t the addition and subtraction. I worked with a damn cardboard clock. To this day people ask me what time it is and I hum and haw a minute while I literally count by fives to figure out what damn time it is (heart pounding the whole time, anxiety level through the roof that I will get it wrong). T gave me the most beautiful gold watch for Christmas a couple years ago. It has an elegant black face with a diamond at the top … and no numbers on it. I hardly ever wear it simply for the anxiety that someone might ask me the time (I tell him I don't want anything to happen to it so I am saving it for "dress up" occasions. I have been known to just hold out my wrist so that people can look themselves.
Note: We have already decided that T will be in charge of teaching our kids math and science skills while I will focus on reading, writing and culture.

5) I think I am anti-social. No seriously. I have three best friends in this world. T is one and I have two girlfriends who unfortunately both live out of state. I have acquaintances with whom I get along quite well and enjoy spending time with, but that happens maybe once or twice a year with each. If I am out and see someone I know in a store, I do not go up and say “Hi”, I duck down another isle so as not to have to talk to the person. I did this once when I saw my own grandmother at the movie theater. Now tell me, is this normal? I am thinking not. If it were not for my job I would never leave the house. No really. If it were not for the dog I would not go outside for days at a time. I think this is why I enjoy the internet so much. It allows me interaction with people but it feels safer. I am not being judged or expected to respond immediately,no one asking me for the time, etc.

Do I have to tag 5 people? I don’t think 5 people read this blog. How about B and April.

Aggravation is...

   when you get home at almost 6pm on Tuesday night to find a message on the machine from your OB's office saying to call them before 5 but don't forget that they are closed on Wednesdays so if you can't call by 5 then to please call on Thursday.

 

I had blood drawn on Monday for the Quad Screening.  Do you think this raised my hackles?  They don't call unless something is wrong, I believe this is normal doctor behavior.  If the bloodwork is good then no news is good news.  Otherwise, they call, right?

 

So, Bitch #1:  They have my work number, they know that I work and have called me at work on many many occasions.  Why would they leave this message at home on a Tuesday so that I can obsess about it for a full day and a half before I can find out what they want?

 

Bitch #2: Why is the office closed on Wednesdays!  This is highly irritating! 

 

Bitch #3: I immediately must begin to think of reasons OTHER than the fact that my Quad test would reveal that T and I should never have biological children and should stop this whole thing right here and now for the sake of humanity at large.  The only thing I can come up with is that the lab somehow screwed up my sample.  Maybe they put it in the wrong vial or it was mixed with the wrong chemical or they didn't get enough or they spilled it or something equally human-error-oriented which has nothing at all to do with me or our baby.

 

Bitch #4: T picks Tuesday night of all nights to make a very insensitive politically incorrect joke about the mentally challenged.  At first I think this is a slam on the mentally challenged at large and then realize he is referring to me.  I then think that when I call the OB on Thursday she will tell us our chances of having a Down's child will be something like 1:2 or some other insane thing that of course you can't really tell from a Quad screen, but who the Hell is thinking clearly at a time like this?!?!?!?!  (In T's defense, it was a funny joke. It was just wrong on so many levels.)

 

Bitch #5: When I called the OB's office this morning to find out what they wanted to tell me I discovered that they sent me for my Quad test two weeks too early.  They want it done at 16 weeks and I had only been 14 weeks 6 days when the blood was drawn.  SO! I get to do it over again, they will send me the lab slip in the mail.

 

LOVELY!

Road Rage on a Monday Morning

So I was a mere 60 seconds from work this morning when this trailer-haulin’-pick-up-drivin’-assh*le decided it would be a good idea to pull out in front of me and make a left turn across two lanes of traffic at much less than the acceptable 55mph speed limit posted in that area. Dumb Ass! Dumb Ass!

 

I slammed on the brakes, which of course in these days of anti-lock "assistance" means you cannot actually stop the car!!! I know, I know, my brakes suck. They have always sucked. I am told the rotors are too small for the size of the vehicle, it is a design flaw, etc. I do require extra braking distance. Which, if I am coming up to a corner or stop light is no problem because I know how to drive my car! I am used to my sub-standard brakes and extra braking distance required. Others however, are not. I could have hit him, in the rear, and would not have had my vehicle under control for the speed, etc. making it my fault. I did nothing wrong.  I had the right of way and was going the posted limit! Grrr.

 

This guy pulled out across two lanes of traffic, s-l-o-w-l-y with me and the van next to me (no dodging to the side on this one, had to stop or hit the guy) barreling down on him at 55mph. I hit the horn twice, the second time not lifting my hand from it, just let ‘er rip and he sort of stared at me like "What is your problem?"

 

Um, my problem is that apparently ever since conception I have a HUGE sign above my car, invisible to me of course, that says "Hey! Over here! Hit the pregnant lady! You probably won’t even get a ticket!" Let us look at this in more detail shall we? I have never in my life been in an actual car accident until October of this year. I have been in minor rear-ending situations where there was no damage and these usually occurred in a parking lot and were not my fault!!!! However, 6 weeks into pregnancy, WHAM! I get T-boned in a place the cops call "Accident Alley", where I have driven on a regular basis with nary a close call for YEARS!  Now, almost 9 weeks later, I narrowly miss smashing into the trailer of an incompetent. If this is a pattern I had better watch myself, or rather, everyone else on the road, come early March or I could have a major problem!

 

I have heard the argument time and time again that people should have to get a license in order to have children. Not only is this completely un-inforcible in my opinion but, using driving comparatively I would say that even those with a valid license (assuming the guy had one) are inherently stupid. There is just no way around it. Someone will ruin it for everyone else, it always happens.

 

How did I react? I raged. My child’s first words will not be fit for young children or those with sensitive dispositions. Amazingly enough, I lost my outrage rather quickly. I thought, "Damn! Crazy A**hole! If only it weren’t dark and he was going the other way I could have gotten his plate number!" What I would actually do with this information is beyond me, but still. Once in the office and informed that the printer was broken I started my workweek and all but forgot the whole thing. Well, except to write this of course. :0)

 

I am now comforting myself with a cup of decaf and a chocolate eclair. Comfort food if ever there was. I believe this is what the gods called Ambrosia and just did not share.

 

So how is your Monday morning going?

14 Week Prenatal Appointment

We waited 45 minutes for our 5 minute appointment.We heard the heartbeat for about 2 seconds before we were interrupted by a knock at the door and that was the end of that. She does not have a digital doppler so we don't have a count. I expect my rented home doppler to arrive tomorrow so I can listen (and count) all I want! T thinks this means I am obsessively pessimistic and expect nothing but doom.  I just want to have some connection with this kid that I cannot feel or see.  Is that so wrong?

My bloodwork from last time (STD/HIV testing) came back clear.  I had my flu shot and will go in Saturday to get blood drawn for the genetic screening tests.  I have my reservations about this since there is a high rate of false positives.  Dr. WaitnSee said they are about 75% accurate.  I can't decide if it would be better to know or not.  I'd rather just not think about it. (By the way, all the decisions about whether or not to do this fell in my lap as I looked to T for his opinion and he made it clear it was up to me.)

Next appointment will be Jan. 12 at which time we will schedule the big ultrasound (around my birthday sometime). SO excited to find out what we are having.  Of course,my favorite question is "Do you know what you're having?" followed by "Yes! It's a baby!" But that could just be my own sick sense of humor.

She gave me the go ahead to go to the indoor firing range as long as we don't stay "all day" or go every day.  She said once in a while for about an hour is just fine, though she can't for the life of her figure out why someone would go shoot at targets.  This means that while my Dad and stopmom are visiting this Christmas we can all go to the range and shoot.  T wants to show me his gun that he just got a couple months ago (his Christmas gift from me last year, he finally picked one out) and my Dad and stepmom have both taken up shooting so we can actually have a family outing with a common interest. Amazing!

She wants me to stay on the Met for a while yet.  Not sure when that will be over.  The exciting thing was I only gained 2 pounds since my last appointment.  Why this is exciting I do not know but both the nurse and the doctor seemed happy to see that.  At least I am not ballooning up just because I can.

I am still waiting to hear back from the Thyroid Guru (he of the open doors) about my last test results.  Could he be any slower?

Sorry I haven't written much lately.  I've mentioned before that I write when things are bad or when I am feeling insecure.  Since I have been feeling good about things, I find myself with not much to say.  I suppose that makes me a whiney bitchy writer which is akin to a starving artist.  One must suffer for her art, or, in order to obtain it in the first place.  I am not going to complain about being pregnant (nothing to complain about other than the lack of Holiday 'Spirits' ) and I can't exactly whine about wanting things to go more quickly so I can actually meet this little person. I am also not going to sing the praises of all things pregnancy and wish babydust upon people.  So, I guess I am stuck in the land of the non-verbal.