Has everyone heard about Mars? Supposedly, it is visible to the naked eye and appearing this week for the only time in several centuries and will not be seen again by anyone alive today. The only reason I know about this stellar performance is that I keep getting emails urging me to run outside and look at the sky for fear of missing this huge event. *shrug* I am just not turned on by such things (though I do love a good full moon). To each his own though I guess.
On August 18 (CD31) I noticed a bit of pink tinting on the TP before leaving work. (With all the construction in town and not knowing when/if I will ever get home from day to day I have taken to going potty before leaving the office.) "Shit", I thought. Not only did this mean that my "break" cycle was over but that it had not been the "miracle cycle that worked" and AF would be packing her bags and accompanying us to the NASCAR race. (This is just what I wanted, the weekend spent running from my tent to the ladies room down the road carrying my handy little travel case with liners and tampons. No thanks.) I was bummed and told T and he was bummed and we hugged and bed farewell to our hopes that our fun in Seattle would have created something to last a lifetime. Oh, yeah, and did I mention I was simply not ready at that point for another cycle to start? I mean, the siding on the house wasn't even started yet, much less finished (ahem, still isn't finished but that is another story) and I wasn't sure how we would go about paying for an IUI this month what with our property taxes due and GEEZ, I would have to get to the pharmacy to get the Letrozole and Met and ...and...and... It was just really bad timing.
Then, it went away. There was nothing more but that bit of tint on the TP. The undies were clear and there wasn't even the faintest hint of cramping.
I spent the weekend waiting for it. I went absolutely nowhere without my pocket case which holds not one but four tampons (small with no applicator, like ob but different brand). I was just sure the blood flow would start when I was hell and gone from the tent and I would be stuck bleeding out in a port-a-potty while T had to go back to the tent to fetch my things. (Note: He would never do such a thing. He would offer to walk behind me so that no one saw the blood that would be sure to soak through my pants but he would not be a gopher for feminine products.) All weekend long I would see "spotting" on the TP but never in the panties and my tampons were either in my pocket or the dry pocket of the soft sided cooler we carried with us everywhere.
On Monday morning (CD35) as we were packing up our soggy camp to head back to the real world I ran to the bathroom one last time before we headed out on our journey home. There was fresh bright red blood on the TP. I ran back to the bus to fetch my tampons (the one time I didn't have them with me, go figure) and intended to run back to the ladies room but T saw me and stopped me to ask what was going on. "Shit started", I said, and headed off back to the ladies'. (I really need to work on a more empathic delivery method for this type of news. My poor husband.) When I came out he was standing by the door waiting for me. He hugged me and told me he was sorry and that he loved me. I hugged him back but was a bit surprised by the weight of his reaction. He was still thinking I would be pregnant. I guess that happens when I can feel my body going through the stages and he can only follow my lead by the signs that I give him. He was really holding out hope. I dreaded the long bus ride home since my "seat" on the bus was actually a pillow on top of our cooler. (It is a NASCAR thing, don't worry about it.)
When we got home I ran to the bathroom to check to see how much I bled through. Nothing. No blood. The tampon was all but dry. What the Fuck?!?!?!?!?!
These mind games have been fucking with me. Here we go, no, wait, not yet, OK, Now! Wait, nope, try again later, test...negative, *tapping fingers*, more color on the TP, Ok, here we go, wait, nope, not yet... I felt like the last shuttle launch. How many times can you reschedule a launch before you just pull the plug? This is getting ridiculous! I tested again on Saturday (CD40) and it was still negative. Does it take a rocket scientist to get a fucking period these days?
Don't get me wrong. I have been kind of glad for the extended period of time (pun intended) for exactly the reasons I presented earlier, but at the same time I feel like I am walking around waiting for the axe to fall. I hate to even mention it to T anymore since his hopes rise and fall with the tide in my jeans (the pull of the moon and all that).
Last night, we had The DISH Network installed and today I cancelled our cable. (Bastards) Anyway, in going over the new channels we discovered we now get The NASA Channel. You know, for all your space viewing pleasure! Is it any wonder that, today CD43, I started to bleed? Not just on the TP, not just spotting in the delicates, but bleeding. I think AF snuck up on me for the first time...ever. I think tomorrow will officially be CD1 and I shall call the Fertility Gods to schedule lift off of IUI Flight #2. I ordered my drug refills and will pick them up tomorrow whether the bleeding continues or not. I would wait until tomorrow to mention it to T for fear of crushing him with wrong information...again...except that the minute he sees me wear those-certain-jammies to bed tonight he will know the jig is up. That is our little signal that I am not, um, open for business shall we say? Yeah. So that will be pretty obvious.
So, now I am actually kind of excited to get the show on the road. I felt what might possibly turn into cramps start twinging away down there so I headed them off at the pass with 800mg ibuprofen. I am not bleeding heavy or light, just a nice first day sort of medium.
I am ready...keeping fingers crossed that the control tower gives me the go ahead.
Kennedy...request permission for take off...