Last night instead of my usual trip home after work for dinner and to pump before heading to the hospital I went to my knitting group. I haven't been there since the first week of February. They have all been concerned about Azure though I have kept them up to date on things. I brought a small flip book of pictures showing her first month out in the world. They were all happy to see me and are all working on projects for Azure as her "Knitting Granny's". I was glad to see them again and they were very surprised and happy to see me too.
Then I went home.
I never went to the hospital last night. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about that. I was there in the morning before work. My mother was there in the afternoon and T went for a visit when he got out of work. However, for the last month I have been there twice a day every day with the exception of a couple weekend days when I spent a longer period of time there in the middle of the day instead of split shift of morning and evening.
Logically I know that I did not choose those people over my daughter but it just doesn't feel that way to my heart. I can hear my own advice in my mind saying that taking care of myself will make me a better mother. I am just not feeling it right now. Blah! It is not sitting well with me.
I decided Sunday that "Bloody Mucus and the Cramps" would be a great name for a band if I had one since that is how I spent my morning curled up on the couch.. Menstrual-like cramps complete with lower back pain and bright red bloody mucus in the undies. I expected things to be ugly down there for a while after giving birth but things had tapered off to the post menstrual brown blood spotting for almost a week before I had a two-day stomach bug. The pressure in my gut seemed to kick-start the ole ute again and this is where it has lead me. Bright red blood and really goopy mucus. Blehck. I am going back to the doctor next week to be fitted for that diaphragm and am hoping things have stopped by then. Is 6 weeks too long for this crap? I am sure it doesn't help that I am pumping which causes uterine contractions. What is a girl to do?
In better news...
Azure is off of the ventilator! She started the CPAP on Sunday night and has handled it wonderfully. I don't think she can see around the connections over her nose and even the size small hat (which has all the tubes velcroed to it) is too big for her so it is constantly sliding to one side or the other, but she is breathing on her own!
They also inserted a tube through her mouth which bypasses the stomach and goes right to the intestines. Her stomach wasn't digesting food quickly enough for them so they are going straight to the bowels and see how that goes for a while. Eventually she will work her way back to a normal stomach tube. She is getting 1cc of breastmilk every hour and we are getting some pretty interesting diapers so things are going well there even if the process is slow.
The Sopranos are back!!!!!! Sunday night at 9pm finds me glued to the couch raising a glass of red wine to the TV and saying "Salude"! The fact that this week's episode found Tony in the ICU hooked up to a ventilator while the family sat helpless talking to him not knowing whether he understood what they were saying hit a bit close to home. Art immitates life, right? Even so, I am looking forward to next week's episode and shall savor this last season as much as possible.
Lala you Rock! Congratulations my friend.