You can find more information on Kangaroo Care here. This morning Azure was nestled in my cleavage (I have plenty now, especially right before I pump) with her head on my chest and we were all wrapped up in a blanket my best friend made for her. Absolutely lovely. They said if I pump right beforehand then next time we will let her "window shop" at the breast. She isn't ready to nurse yet (I don't think her mouth is big enough for my huge nips) but this will give her the experience of being there and provide stimulation for my milk supply. It is a Win-Win!
That being said. I am feeling a bit down. I am feeling quite inadequate as a mother, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend... I am sure this all comes with the territory but it sucks just the same. It is easy to say that Azure is my priority right now but that doesn't get the laundry done and the fact that after my shower last night T told me I had been smelling a bit "sour" I see that not even my personal hygiene is up to par (I assume it was the milk that dribbled into my shirt, but still). *sigh*
Daycare. My initial plan when Azure was still assumed to be a healthy full-term baby was to take 8 weeks off and then take her to a daycare center near my office. She is neither healthy nor full-term and at great risk for upper respiratory illnesses considering her chronic lungs and the hole in her heart. Daycare is NOT the best place for her. So what do we do? In-home daycare scares me to death considering all the injuries, deaths and pedofiles in the news in the last couple of years directly associated with this type of setup. Having someone into my home seems a bit better but I would need time to get to know this person and feel comfortable leaving the person in my home and she (see how I automatically ruled out men?) would need to feel comfortable taking care of Azure with any special monitors or medications she might need. Very scary. I am leaning towards two options. One, we figure out some way for me to stay at home with her. Two, I convince my boss to give me the private office instead of the cubicle, and I bring her to work with me. Ha! This of course assumes that she will not consume every single minute of my day. I could wear her in a sling or put her in the pack-n-play and handle almost all of my work that way but what if she is cranky and screams her head off? How can I answer phone calls with a crying child around my neck? See how option #1 is looking pretty good? If only we were wealthy. We are comfortable, don't get me wrong, but we have a lot of debt and we would be cutting our income in half with me not working. *Sigh* again. Where there is a will there is a way, right?
Here comes the bad part. I am going to hate leaving my job. I like my job. I enjoy the people a lot. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't laugh out loud. We get along very well, joke around. My boss actually calls me over to see the porn on his computer. We kick up our feet and enjoy an afternoon beer once in a while. Where else am I ever going to find an environment like this again? I have already envisioned myself explaining my resignation to my boss and I can't even think about it without crying.
My daughter will provide joy too, I know she will. I am just sad to think that this part of my life, a part that I actually enjoyed, might be over.
There is not enough time, not enough money, not enough of me to go around.