I am supposed to avoid caffeine while TTC, during pregnancy and now that I am pumping milk for my baby. Then, they turn right around and shoot her up with the stuff to remind her to breathe. Couldn't they just let that come through me? They can inject it in me if they want to... PLEASE!?!?!?!?
One of the good things about having a baby in the NICU is that you get to sleep through the night while other parents of newborns are up with their babies. Unfortunately, our dog Maggie does not understand this theory. She has taken to waking me up at 3:30am and wanting to go outside. She doesn't need to go out, she has been out before we go to bed and will go out when we get up at 5:30am. She gets up out of her bed, stretches loudly then shakes which clangs her tags. She then proceeds to walk laps around the bed stopping by my head at each pass to bonk me with her nose or whine or paw at the covers trying to get my attention. This morning she was nicer to me, instead of 3:30 she waited until 4:15. We think she is just feeling the stress we have been under and maybe wants some extra attention? I am tired. Again, with the caffeine question!
Babies are supposed to be calmed by touch. Germs reside on the human skin, especially on the hands so they require frequent washing especially at the hospital with their SOAP FROM HELL. My hands are a mess. The skin is peeling back from the tips of all my fingers. I have cracks in the skin that bleed. I have bags of frozen milk in my freezer with blood streaks on them from my fingers touching them. Gross! My fingers are now sticking to the Velcro holders which fasten down Azure's CPAP tubes. My fingers stick to the lovely flannel blankets, her clothes, the gauze used to wipe her mouth. I want to caress her cheek but I am sure it would feel like sand paper. Oddly enough, during her three day stay at the other hospital my hands heeled nicely. I used LOADS of their moisturizing hand cleaner as well as normal lotion. Now that we are back at our own fabulous hospital with the SOAP FROM HELL my hands are a mess again. If only I could just stuff them in a big vat of Vaseline to soak for a while. I may have to try Miss W's advice of swapping back and forth: one week washing, one week Purell. I'll ask about that tonight.
Finally, today is T's birthday. He marveled at me the other day the way I just fell right into the mothering role. Changing diapers, suctioning the spit from her mouth, soothing her with the "womb hands" and pumping non-stop. I was thinking, "Of course! This is what we were working for!". I have always been good with babies, they have just always belonged to other people before.
He asked me if he was my "rock", meaning, was he the one I am depending on so as not to completely lose my mind in all of this. I told him no, and I am not sure he understood. He is there for me, it is not that I could not depend on him to get me through this. My point is, he is going through this too. When two people go through something together they need to rely on each other as well as others. It cannot be completely one sided. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings when I said that, I just want him to know that it is Ok for him to need support too. He has been tentative in the holding but fabulous so far overall. He is getting more confident in the NICU and asking questions instead of having me ask for him. I have a WONDERFUL picture of the first time he held Azure with her looking up at him. This is going to be a most amazing year. I am taking him out for dinner to celebrate.