2nd Beta

675!!!

A good doubling. I was expecting to hear a number well
into the thousands to make me obsess over having
triplets or something (remember I had 3 mature eggs
when we did the IUI) but this seems completely
reasonable.
We would love to have twins and wouldnt actually mind
triplets but just the not knowing from now until I
could have a u/s would drive me crazy so I am glad
with this nice comfortable sensible number.

4weeks 2days, sounds absolutely rediculous to me!

First u/s scheduled for 10/13.

Thank you all for your kind words. I am nervous and
excited and still dont fully believe this is happening.

Wha?

Sorry to keep you all in suspense but, as these things go, T had to be the first to know, you know?

 

FRED showed a light second line.  I have never seen a second line before so I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.  Sure the old adage was running through my head,  "A line is a line, no matter how light, etc." However, when you are facing that light line on the left you of course wonder to yourself whether it is actually real or not. 

 

I did some quick calculations in my now completely numb brain.  It was past the 14 days they said to wait for the trigger shot to get out of my system.  It was CD29, it should be real. 

 

I told myself not to get excited.  One part of me was jumping up and down and screaming "I'm pregnant! Holy Shit!" while the other part of me was rationally saying, "All this means is that there is enough hcg in my system to trigger a faint positive on a hpt.  Don't go overboard here."

 

I called and requested a beta.  I went to the lab, stomach full of butterflies.  The lab order was not there.  They hadn't gotten the fax from the RE's office yet.  They took my blood anyway, wished me luck and I headed back to work.  They said I should get a call by 5pm letting me know the results.

 

I waited (not so) patiently until 4pm and finally called.  I nicely asserted my NEED TO KNOW!!!!!  I ended up leaving a voice mail for one of the nurses to PLEASE (pretty please with a cherry on top) call me back with my beta results.

 

About 15 minutes later I got the call.  She took a deep breath and then paused.  It may have only been a nano-second but it was long enough for me to think "Oh God, it is negative!" and she said, "It's positive.  Congratulations!"  I made some sort of noise which I can only describe as a combination of a whimper, a sigh of relief, and a non-verbal 'What the fuck?' all in one. (I took the call at my desk in the middle of my office surrounded by co-workers to whom I must keep this secret until at least Thanksgiving if not Christmas.)

 

I am going back Friday morning for a repeat beta. (First was 279, come on baby, double!) I will also schedule a u/s in two weeks.  (Holy Shit! This one will actually be covered by insurance!)

 

So all day my head was spinning. I was looking around at the people in my office thinking about how the world is completely different and they don't even know it!  I was (and still am) completely dumbstruck that the insemination actually worked.  I never thought that I would see two lines.  I mean, I NEVER thought that I would be pregnant.  It has not sunk in yet. 

 

I am questioning and yet enjoying every painful twinge and cramp from my nether regions.  I know this is where the cautious optimism is supposed to be applied.  I know that, really, things could go wrong at any minute now and for the next two to four months given my Endo and Thyroid issues.  Miscarriage is a big concern for me. HUGE! 

 

But...

 

T was very put out by my pessimism in the getting pregnant stage and has asked me to not be such a party pooper now that we have had some good news.  I am very aware.  Please don't think that I am taking anything for granted.  But this might be my only chance to experience this type of joy so even if it makes things more difficult later, I am going to embrace this pregnancy with everything that I have for as long as I have it. 

 

Thank you all for your good wishes and your support.  I am so glad I started blogging.  It is a unique support system that I rely on every day.

 

So, happy for now.  HFN which is my first timer's way of saying NBHHY.

*Fingers Crossed*

Damn FRED!

FRED has once again proven himself as unreliable.  I'm calling this morning about getting a beta.

Wish me luck!

Monday Again

So it is Monday, two days prior to TEST DAY and I am feeling twingy in the lower right abdominal area.  Meaning? *shrug*  Probably pre-cramping, if I had to guess.  Who knows, we will find out Wednesday right?  Sure. If we make it that far.

 

I have been doing some very deep (and somewhat disturbing) thinking lately about living childfree.  Not like a radical childfree person, just a person sans child.  I have been thinking about how since I was 18 I thought that I would adopt if I couldn't have biological children.  Now I am even reconsidering that choice, one that I thought was an automatic decision for me. 

Is this a normal way of processing difficult decisions? 

Is this my way of self-preservation? 

Am I thinking all of these things only to find out that this cycle worked and now that I convince myself to live childfree I could end up pregnant? 

I don't know, I haven't shared these thoughts with anyone until now, T doesn't even know.  I don't even know that I would choose to live childfree, just the thinking about it is new to me and has caught me off guard.  I am wondering where all this has come from. Has my subconscious given up hope?

 

So the poop thing.  *TMI ahead* I manage to do it just about every day with the help of 1500mg of Metformin, and THREE stool softener pills, plus the fiber in my diet (whole grain bread, apples, veggies, etc.)  However, the actual pooping is not so easy.  It is quiet hard and comes out in little chunks which apparently stop up our toilet at home.  T is glad that I am actually moving something through my system so he has not complained too much about having to plunge out the toilet a couple/three times a week.  However, I have started flushing two to three times per session.  Poop a little, flush, poop some more, flush, poop the rest, wipe (not too much paper, you'll clog up the pipes!), flush. This is highly irritating and takes far too much concentration on my part.  I would rather just read my magazine and flush when I am done, you know?  So, I guess my question is, what more can I do?  Is there a specific food or fiber supplement that works for you?  Is there something that I can add to my daily regimen that will help smooth things out a bit so I am not straining and rocking and breathing like I am in labor just to pass a bit the size of a grape?  The other thing is, I don't remember having this much trouble before switching to the prometrium.  I am wondering if it is a progesterone thing as I seem to have the most trouble during the second half of my cycles.  I know pregnant women complain about getting backed up due to iron pills, but I am not taking iron.  Could it be the progesterone?

 

My SIL visited this weekend with her 3 month old son.  He is absolutely adorable.  I got to hold him almost the entire time and fed him his bottle and even when he cried she didn't rush to take him away from me.  She let me sway him and bounce him and bring back that HUGE drooly smile.  What a great visit.  I always wonder though what people think when they see an infertile holding a baby.  Is she afraid I might cry or try to run in another room and lock the door so she can't have him back?  I wonder what T thinks as he watches me holding a baby.  Does he get a warm feeling like that is what it will be like with our children or does he see it as a surreal picture, one he doesn't expect to see in our lives? 

 

I read through all my bloglines today and then refreshed.  When nothing new came up I felt like that ad a few years ago when the guy was clicking away and he got a pop up that said "You have reached the end of the internet. Please turn around."  What is a girl to do but to write a post herself?

The Good, The Bad and...well, you know how it goes.

The Good:

It is September 20!!!!  Yay!!! It is September 20!!!! Do you know what that means?  Do you?  Huh?  No, I can tell you don't. I am just not getting those (!!!!!) vibes from you.  Well, let me tell you, it is the day of the U.S. release of Bon Jovi's latest CD Have a Nice Day.  Ahem.  You are still not properly jumping up and down with glee clapping your hands and smiling so big your face hurts.  Go ahead, I'll wait.

Well, *I* properly recognize this day in history.  I went to the store at lunch and bought the CD along with the new Disturbed CD for T.  How about that?  Huh? TOTALLY thinking of someone else on my special day. *gold star* I listened to it (Bon Jovi, not Disturbed, pay attention!) in the car on the way back to work, I listened to it on my computer when my boss went out for lunch and I shall listen to it at the gym tonight while I am sweating and panting and increasing my heart rate, Oh, and I'll be exercising too. :0)

 

The Bad:

It is only one week into my two week wait for this IUI.  I am not going to test until next Wednesday.  Do you have any idea how far away next Wednesday is?  It is a really loooooooooooooooong time!!!!!  What ever am I to do to keep myself sane and occupied for that length of time?  Oh, no problem. I have been informed that I shall be doing yard work, every day, without fail, for the next week.  Have I mentioned I don't like yard work?  *sigh*

 

The Ugly:

I got on the scale this morning.  EEEEEEEEK!  Yeah, time to get back to the gym.

You know that feeling...

when you are 2DPIUI and your right ovary feels like it is under so much pressure that you keep looking at your abdomen because you are SURE that you will be able to visibly see the moment the ovary actually EXPLODES! 

 

Seriously, how bad should it hurt right now?  If I am only now ovulating then the IUI was a waste of $ since I highly doubt those sperm hung out until now hoping to find somewhere to land. (I do not believe that I am just now ovulating since I got a peak on the monitor on Monday, had the hcg shot that day and today I was back down to low on the monitor, so what gives?) 

 

Also, there were only three follicles.  I can't imagine what it is like for those of you who have had follies in the double digits much less in the 20s, 30s or higher. 

 

Added to the ovary pain is the low back pain which is all connected to the ovary pain.  (Gotta love Endo!) I am so thankful I have a massage scheduled for tonight.  I need a little heat therapy on the low back about now.

 

Corpus Luteum breakdown? Maybe. 

Implantation?  Possibly but highly unlikely since this pain is one that I have felt before and .. well ... there have been no prior pregnancies, so, yeah. 

Pain just for the Hell of it?  Sure, why not?

IUI#2 , IVF vs. Adoption and T on Fatherhood

IUI#2 went off without a hitch! 

 

I took the day off so as to avoid the run to the RE on my lunch hour then run back to the office thing I did last time.  I wanted to relax a bit, give it a chance to actually work, you know?  So, I dropped T back off at work and then went to the store to pick up a pound of ground turkey and an onion so I could get the chili rolling in the crock pot.  (I made a detour through the Steak-n-Shake and picked up an order of onion rings and a caramel mocha shake. YUM!) I got the chili going, cleaned up the kitchen and settled myself down on the couch with the dog and the remote.  I had an episode of The Baby Lab I wanted to watch while T was gone so I could cry with abandon and not have to ask/answer any questions.  At least on this episode there were two couples who actually got babies out of the deal.  Once T got home we took off for the beach.  It was the perfect day to go.  Not too hot (at the lakeshore at least, our house was fucking sizzling!) and the waves were big.  T had a BLAST!!!  We got home in time to take out the trash and grab our bowls of chili to eat while we watched the season premiere of The Biggest Loser.  LOVE that show, if you haven't seen it you should watch it next week. 

 

Interesting discussions had this week include T mentioning not once but twice that he isn't sure that the gamble of IVF is worth the money involved.  We figured out that the Letrozole/IUI are costing us $500/cycle.  The IVF would be more, obviously.  He has always seemed interested in pursuing IVF if the IUI route doesn't work.  I think he might be starting to question that now.  I am THRILLED!  I can't even explain how happy I am about this.  In the past year I finally came around to agreeing to no more than 2 IVF attempts if it would satisfy T's mind that the biological kid thing just isn't going to happen for us.  I wanted to be confident that when/if we moved on to adoption that we were both comfortable with that decision.  I think he would have struggled with that if he wanted to do IVF and I pushed for adoption anyway.  He would have gone along with my wishes because that is the way he is, I pretty much get whatever my little heart desires (except a cat, but we did get the dog so I am willing to overlook this one small exception).  It is his way of keeping me happy. 

 

(Please note: I am not a spoiled princess who asks for unreasonable things and expect to get them, but if I happen to mention in passing one day that I would like this or that then I usually find it done and T develops a huge beaming smile for making my wish come true. It is really sweet actually and I do not abuse it.) 

 

What concerns me about adoption in this instance is that I need T to be 100% DAD not the husband of the woman who adopted the kid(s).  I need him to embrace adoption and embrace the kid(s) with all of his heart but I don't think he could do that if he was harboring resentment about the IVF we never tried. (Oh yeah, and money is a HUGE issue on both counts.)

 

Please understand that I fully support those going through IVF.  I think I would have to do all the shots myself. (T has always refused to be involved in anything needle related.  He hates them, even if I am the one being poked. This did not help me with the whole sympathetic mercy IVF decision.)  I have never wanted to do IVF myself.  In my opinion, for ME, it isn't worth the money, physical and emotional investment to maybe have a baby.  I am much more comfortable with the idea of adoption.  I am willing to pay the money, go through the intense scrutiny, the long waiting period and emotional rollercoaster if I know there is a kid at the end.  That is my own personal choice that I made years ago and pretty much had my mind set before we even decided to have kids.  I am now a little (as in, minutely) more comfortable with the idea of IVF but I still don't want to do it.  If T decided that he wanted to go through an IVF cycle I would, but I would be doing it for him and his peace of mind and not because I thought it would actually make me a mother.  This of course makes T uncomfortable because it makes it sound like his decision and that isn't fair.  On the other hand what do you do when one person says IVF and the other says Adoption?  You can get all the information together and review the statistics and discuss all you want but in the end you have to make a decision one way or the other.

 

So, I pose this question to those who have been at that fork in the road.  When faced with two different courses of treatment and you disagree with your partner on which one to follow, how did you make the decision?  How did you come to that agreement?  Did you go with the more conservative one first and agree to go to the more risky if that didn't work?  Did you flip a coin? Did you take an internet poll and let the masses decide?  I am interested in the process you used to come to your decision.

 

I will now mention two separate comments T made at the Tiger's game on Sunday: 

 

1) We were walking to our seats after one of our frequent potty breaks (32-oz. beers go RIGHT through me, hee hee) and T asked if I had noticed the shirt of a man who had just walked past us carrying one child and leading another by the hand.  It said "Dad 24/7" and T thought that was pretty cool.  Actually, I think he found it sad that the shirt was necessary.  That is the way it is supposed to be.

 

2) He said (seemingly out of nowhere), "Do you have any idea how spoiled our first child is going to be?" I just smiled but he said, "No, really.  She is going to have a little shirt that says 'Princess' and that is exactly how she's going to be treated!"  "Daddy's little girl?" I asked wrapping my arms around him.  "You've got no idea", he said.  If the way he treats me is any indication, I can tell you this child will want for absolutely nothing.  (Am I going to have a brat on my hands or what?)

 

I guess all this depends on how the current IUI turns out.  One day down, 14 to go.

Second Chances

My ultrasound this morning showed three huge follies on the right (none on the left).  I had my hcg shot and we will go in tomorrow for IUI #2.

*Fingers Crossed*

Gushing Oodles of Love for My Maaaa-ggie Dawwwwg

Christine asked for the top 10 reasons we love our pet(s).  Here is my list for my wonderful Maggie Girl, in no particular order.

 

1. I get snuffly ear "kisses" whenever I lay on the floor.
2. She does doggie yoga when she wakes up.  Starting out in Downdog then reaching through into Cobra.
3. We have determined that for Maggie, snot equals love since when she greets us she sniffs us all over then sneezes into our faces. We usually say "Oh, Thank you Maggie!" and wipe the snot right back onto her. (My husband went so far as to blow his nose on her ear once but then felt guilty and cleaned it off for her.)
4. She does NOT eat everything/anything in site...including her own food (which is something I wish I could change) but this means our furniture, shoes and electronics are safe.
5. She loves to snuggle up with us on the couch or chair which is why she has never been allowed on the bed, she would take over.
6. She is part lab and part boxer.  You can totally see both breeds in her.  The boxer people see the boxer straight away but the lab people usually ask what she is mixed with.
7. I never would have done it myself but her tail was bobbed before we got her.  I LOVE it.  The veracity (and velocity) with which she shakes her hind end leads me to believe a full tail would be a lethal weapon.
8. When her ears are perked up she looks just like a puppy.  I think she will always have a baby face.
9. Whether I have been gone 3 days or only 10 minutes she greets me with the same enthusiasm.  She barks to let me know that I am too slow getting out of the car to meet her at the door.
10. She begs for lettuce and bacon alike.  She LOVES vegetables but is absolutely transfixed when I am eating a Granny Smith Apple!!!
11. I'm adding # 11, because she is my BABY!  She is the first real pet (not counting fish) of my adult life.  I plan on owning dogs the rest of my life (one at a time) and as T says all the time, "I love this one, but I'll love the next one too".  I know this is true, but she is my first, and will always be the standard by which all other dogs are judged.  (I assume they will not all have eating disorders but I do intend on finding other special needs dogs now that I know I have the patience and love to care for them.)

BeSide Myself

I am absolutely beside myself with this siding. It has been one thing after another.  It all backed up on me last night and I cried and cried and poor T had to try to console me all the while agreeing with everything that I said.  The gist of it is, I need "the wisdom to know the difference" between those things I can change and the those things that I cannot change.  

 

Suffice it to say that all of this siding stuff was supposed to be completed in the month of August.  We were to have refinanced the house in the month of August.  We were to go away this weekend (to Detroit to watch a couple Tiger's games) after giving ourselves a couple weeks to settle in, as a treat for making it through the month of August. 

 

The siding is not done, and in case you haven't noticed, it is no longer the month of August.  The salesman flat out LIED to me.  He swore today they would be back on Tuesday to do the garage and that it would only take them a day and a half to do the whole thing.  (I will believe this when I see it.) Anyway, this all blew up last night when (yet again) T's company screwed up payroll and the money was not deposited into our account like it was supposed to be.  If we had refinanced already this may not have been a problem, but we haven't, we couldn't, we still can't, so it was...a problem.  I cracked.  Poor T.  Today the money is there and I feel much better, but last night, not so much (hormonal anyone?). 

 

I am working in a daze today, a bit numb, hoping things continue to move along, even at this most lethargic of a snail's pace because EVENTUALLY it has to get done, right?  Right.  I have to keep telling myself this, it WILL get done...someday.

So, imagine my surprise when a truck pulled up from Eastern Floral and delivered the most gorgeous bouquet of purple and magenta flowers.  And...they were for ME. I knew the minute I laid eyes on them they were from my best pal S!  How, I thought, did she know I have been thinking about her so much this week?  How did she get the card I sent her already, I only mailed it after work last night, and she is in ALASKA!!  How, in the world, did she know that I needed these SO BADLY RIGHT NOW? The thing is, she didn't know.  She sent them because she was thinking of me.  Do I have to say that I excused myself to the ladies room and cried big huge tears of gratitude?  Well, I did (again with the hormones).

 

SO, we will be in Detroit this weekend getting away from it all and return next week hoping (fingers crossed) that by next weekend the garage will be sided and the job will be complete...maybe.

 

Oh yeah, and Monday is the big CD13 U/S which will tell us exactly what day next week IUI#2 will take place.

Holiday Scmoliday

Yesterday was a holiday here in the States.  Labor Day.  A time to reflect on the horrid working conditions which brought about the unions and child labor laws and a great time to save up to 70% on whatever it is you are shopping for that particular day.

T and I decided to go to the beach.  The sky was clear it was relatively cool and the water temp was a "refreshing" 66 degrees *brrr*.  What I didn't realize was that it was also Bring Your Baby To The Beach Day.  I must have missed that memo.  They were EVERYWHERE!  Not just toddlers digging in the sand with pails and shovels and big droopy diapers (though there were plenty of those too).  No, I mean BABIES, less than 9 months old.  The parents were good, there was sunblock, hats and shade bearing tent-like things.  The kids seemed happy.  But we were surrounded.

The best part was when the gorgeous little girl from the blanket next to us decided to come over for a chat.  She must have been 2 with huge blue eyes and big blonde curls and the most adorable sundress and floppy hat.  She walked right up to us and said "Hi!".  Her father quickly scampered over and redirected her back to her own space and I said to T, "You've got to look out for those cute blondes, they'll get you in trouble every time".  He flipped my blonde curls off of my shoulder and looked into my own blue eyes and said, "Yep, that's what I hear".

*Sigh*

CD7, I took the last of the Femara this morning.  Next week Monday will be the big follie scan.