So it is Monday, two days prior to TEST DAY and I am feeling twingy in the lower right abdominal area. Meaning? *shrug* Probably pre-cramping, if I had to guess. Who knows, we will find out Wednesday right? Sure. If we make it that far.
I have been doing some very deep (and somewhat disturbing) thinking lately about living childfree. Not like a radical childfree person, just a person sans child. I have been thinking about how since I was 18 I thought that I would adopt if I couldn't have biological children. Now I am even reconsidering that choice, one that I thought was an automatic decision for me.
Is this a normal way of processing difficult decisions?
Is this my way of self-preservation?
Am I thinking all of these things only to find out that this cycle worked and now that I convince myself to live childfree I could end up pregnant?
I don't know, I haven't shared these thoughts with anyone until now, T doesn't even know. I don't even know that I would choose to live childfree, just the thinking about it is new to me and has caught me off guard. I am wondering where all this has come from. Has my subconscious given up hope?
So the poop thing. *TMI ahead* I manage to do it just about every day with the help of 1500mg of Metformin, and THREE stool softener pills, plus the fiber in my diet (whole grain bread, apples, veggies, etc.) However, the actual pooping is not so easy. It is quiet hard and comes out in little chunks which apparently stop up our toilet at home. T is glad that I am actually moving something through my system so he has not complained too much about having to plunge out the toilet a couple/three times a week. However, I have started flushing two to three times per session. Poop a little, flush, poop some more, flush, poop the rest, wipe (not too much paper, you'll clog up the pipes!), flush. This is highly irritating and takes far too much concentration on my part. I would rather just read my magazine and flush when I am done, you know? So, I guess my question is, what more can I do? Is there a specific food or fiber supplement that works for you? Is there something that I can add to my daily regimen that will help smooth things out a bit so I am not straining and rocking and breathing like I am in labor just to pass a bit the size of a grape? The other thing is, I don't remember having this much trouble before switching to the prometrium. I am wondering if it is a progesterone thing as I seem to have the most trouble during the second half of my cycles. I know pregnant women complain about getting backed up due to iron pills, but I am not taking iron. Could it be the progesterone?
My SIL visited this weekend with her 3 month old son. He is absolutely adorable. I got to hold him almost the entire time and fed him his bottle and even when he cried she didn't rush to take him away from me. She let me sway him and bounce him and bring back that HUGE drooly smile. What a great visit. I always wonder though what people think when they see an infertile holding a baby. Is she afraid I might cry or try to run in another room and lock the door so she can't have him back? I wonder what T thinks as he watches me holding a baby. Does he get a warm feeling like that is what it will be like with our children or does he see it as a surreal picture, one he doesn't expect to see in our lives?
I read through all my bloglines today and then refreshed. When nothing new came up I felt like that ad a few years ago when the guy was clicking away and he got a pop up that said "You have reached the end of the internet. Please turn around." What is a girl to do but to write a post herself?