March for Babies

Monday, September 26, 2005

Monday Again

So it is Monday, two days prior to TEST DAY and I am feeling twingy in the lower right abdominal area.  Meaning? *shrug*  Probably pre-cramping, if I had to guess.  Who knows, we will find out Wednesday right?  Sure. If we make it that far.
 
I have been doing some very deep (and somewhat disturbing) thinking lately about living childfree.  Not like a radical childfree person, just a person sans child.  I have been thinking about how since I was 18 I thought that I would adopt if I couldn't have biological children.  Now I am even reconsidering that choice, one that I thought was an automatic decision for me. 
Is this a normal way of processing difficult decisions? 
Is this my way of self-preservation? 
Am I thinking all of these things only to find out that this cycle worked and now that I convince myself to live childfree I could end up pregnant? 
I don't know, I haven't shared these thoughts with anyone until now, T doesn't even know.  I don't even know that I would choose to live childfree, just the thinking about it is new to me and has caught me off guard.  I am wondering where all this has come from. Has my subconscious given up hope?
 
So the poop thing.  *TMI ahead* I manage to do it just about every day with the help of 1500mg of Metformin, and THREE stool softener pills, plus the fiber in my diet (whole grain bread, apples, veggies, etc.)  However, the actual pooping is not so easy.  It is quiet hard and comes out in little chunks which apparently stop up our toilet at home.  T is glad that I am actually moving something through my system so he has not complained too much about having to plunge out the toilet a couple/three times a week.  However, I have started flushing two to three times per session.  Poop a little, flush, poop some more, flush, poop the rest, wipe (not too much paper, you'll clog up the pipes!), flush. This is highly irritating and takes far too much concentration on my part.  I would rather just read my magazine and flush when I am done, you know?  So, I guess my question is, what more can I do?  Is there a specific food or fiber supplement that works for you?  Is there something that I can add to my daily regimen that will help smooth things out a bit so I am not straining and rocking and breathing like I am in labor just to pass a bit the size of a grape?  The other thing is, I don't remember having this much trouble before switching to the prometrium.  I am wondering if it is a progesterone thing as I seem to have the most trouble during the second half of my cycles.  I know pregnant women complain about getting backed up due to iron pills, but I am not taking iron.  Could it be the progesterone?
 
My SIL visited this weekend with her 3 month old son.  He is absolutely adorable.  I got to hold him almost the entire time and fed him his bottle and even when he cried she didn't rush to take him away from me.  She let me sway him and bounce him and bring back that HUGE drooly smile.  What a great visit.  I always wonder though what people think when they see an infertile holding a baby.  Is she afraid I might cry or try to run in another room and lock the door so she can't have him back?  I wonder what T thinks as he watches me holding a baby.  Does he get a warm feeling like that is what it will be like with our children or does he see it as a surreal picture, one he doesn't expect to see in our lives? 
 
I read through all my bloglines today and then refreshed.  When nothing new came up I felt like that ad a few years ago when the guy was clicking away and he got a pop up that said "You have reached the end of the internet. Please turn around."  What is a girl to do but to write a post herself?

10 comments:

ThreeBees said...

My only suggestion is try eating wattermelon or pears -- fruit with a lot of water in them. That usually seems to help but it does take a day or two.

As far as living child-free, I actually began to think about it too in the months prior to my positive test. It was important for me to think about those things but it too took me awhile to talk about those feelings and thoughts with my husband but when I did, I was glad I had because he was having some of the same thoughts and feelings.

Thinking of you and hoping for a good test day. :)

Anonymous said...

Try eating lots of licorice, it works for my husband.

PJ said...

Sorry about your poop issues. It seems like you've got the whole arsenal there and it's not helping much.

I can understand where your thoughts of living without children come from. I, myself, had those thoughts too.

All of my bits are crossed for you. I hope that 2 days from now your child-free days are far from your mind.

Claudia said...

I heartily recommend senna tea, sometimes called "dieter's tea."

I was unbelievably constipated my last IVF cycle, so it must have something to do with the hormones. Like you, I was pretty much passing what I called “rabbit poop.” I drank one cup of mildly brewed senna tea and had the best dump of my life an hour later. I spent the rest of the night pooping every couple of hours or so - no more rabbit poop, either, definitely a better consistency.

I’ve been considering childfree living too. It’s weird to get your brain around at first, isn’t it?

Em said...

Licorice or dried apricots works for me. Or coffee.

VHMPrincess said...

could it be the iron in the prenatals? Iron is FAMOUS for doing that to you (though I would think the Metformin alone would cure that)...no early testing?

April said...

On the childfree thoughts - I think it's only natural to consider all possibilities. I know that I still mull it over, especially when faced with bad news.

Thinking of you.

Cynthia said...

It was such an amazing revelation to me when I realized that I did not, in fact, "have" to have children. It was one of the most liberating moments in my life.

I do hope that your fertility treatments work for you, but if they do not, know that you are not any less of a woman because you made the choice to be child free (instead of adopting). Keep in mind all of the freedom that you will continue to have without children. Although there are some very serious minuses to not having children, there are also some pretty serious plusses as well.

B said...

Thinking of you, Blue. Hoping for good results today.

Jennie said...

this may or may not help..
first the pooping, metamucil powder you mix with water, was the "only" thing that helped me and then only if i took double the dose..

childfree living during my 2ww and during every cancelled attempt at getting to pickup, i've pondered a life without children not seriously and not with intent but just pondered it, for me anyway it's a natural self protection thing, ok self if this doesnt work alls not lost kind of thing..
but hey what do i know i'm going again next month lol