March for Babies

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

IUI#2 , IVF vs. Adoption and T on Fatherhood

IUI#2 went off without a hitch! 
I took the day off so as to avoid the run to the RE on my lunch hour then run back to the office thing I did last time.  I wanted to relax a bit, give it a chance to actually work, you know?  So, I dropped T back off at work and then went to the store to pick up a pound of ground turkey and an onion so I could get the chili rolling in the crock pot.  (I made a detour through the Steak-n-Shake and picked up an order of onion rings and a caramel mocha shake. YUM!) I got the chili going, cleaned up the kitchen and settled myself down on the couch with the dog and the remote.  I had an episode of The Baby Lab I wanted to watch while T was gone so I could cry with abandon and not have to ask/answer any questions.  At least on this episode there were two couples who actually got babies out of the deal.  Once T got home we took off for the beach.  It was the perfect day to go.  Not too hot (at the lakeshore at least, our house was fucking sizzling!) and the waves were big.  T had a BLAST!!!  We got home in time to take out the trash and grab our bowls of chili to eat while we watched the season premiere of The Biggest Loser.  LOVE that show, if you haven't seen it you should watch it next week. 
Interesting discussions had this week include T mentioning not once but twice that he isn't sure that the gamble of IVF is worth the money involved.  We figured out that the Letrozole/IUI are costing us $500/cycle.  The IVF would be more, obviously.  He has always seemed interested in pursuing IVF if the IUI route doesn't work.  I think he might be starting to question that now.  I am THRILLED!  I can't even explain how happy I am about this.  In the past year I finally came around to agreeing to no more than 2 IVF attempts if it would satisfy T's mind that the biological kid thing just isn't going to happen for us.  I wanted to be confident that when/if we moved on to adoption that we were both comfortable with that decision.  I think he would have struggled with that if he wanted to do IVF and I pushed for adoption anyway.  He would have gone along with my wishes because that is the way he is, I pretty much get whatever my little heart desires (except a cat, but we did get the dog so I am willing to overlook this one small exception).  It is his way of keeping me happy. 
(Please note: I am not a spoiled princess who asks for unreasonable things and expect to get them, but if I happen to mention in passing one day that I would like this or that then I usually find it done and T develops a huge beaming smile for making my wish come true. It is really sweet actually and I do not abuse it.) 
What concerns me about adoption in this instance is that I need T to be 100% DAD not the husband of the woman who adopted the kid(s).  I need him to embrace adoption and embrace the kid(s) with all of his heart but I don't think he could do that if he was harboring resentment about the IVF we never tried. (Oh yeah, and money is a HUGE issue on both counts.)
Please understand that I fully support those going through IVF.  I think I would have to do all the shots myself. (T has always refused to be involved in anything needle related.  He hates them, even if I am the one being poked. This did not help me with the whole sympathetic mercy IVF decision.)  I have never wanted to do IVF myself.  In my opinion, for ME, it isn't worth the money, physical and emotional investment to maybe have a baby.  I am much more comfortable with the idea of adoption.  I am willing to pay the money, go through the intense scrutiny, the long waiting period and emotional rollercoaster if I know there is a kid at the end.  That is my own personal choice that I made years ago and pretty much had my mind set before we even decided to have kids.  I am now a little (as in, minutely) more comfortable with the idea of IVF but I still don't want to do it.  If T decided that he wanted to go through an IVF cycle I would, but I would be doing it for him and his peace of mind and not because I thought it would actually make me a mother.  This of course makes T uncomfortable because it makes it sound like his decision and that isn't fair.  On the other hand what do you do when one person says IVF and the other says Adoption?  You can get all the information together and review the statistics and discuss all you want but in the end you have to make a decision one way or the other.
So, I pose this question to those who have been at that fork in the road.  When faced with two different courses of treatment and you disagree with your partner on which one to follow, how did you make the decision?  How did you come to that agreement?  Did you go with the more conservative one first and agree to go to the more risky if that didn't work?  Did you flip a coin? Did you take an internet poll and let the masses decide?  I am interested in the process you used to come to your decision.
I will now mention two separate comments T made at the Tiger's game on Sunday: 
1) We were walking to our seats after one of our frequent potty breaks (32-oz. beers go RIGHT through me, hee hee) and T asked if I had noticed the shirt of a man who had just walked past us carrying one child and leading another by the hand.  It said "Dad 24/7" and T thought that was pretty cool.  Actually, I think he found it sad that the shirt was necessary.  That is the way it is supposed to be.
2) He said (seemingly out of nowhere), "Do you have any idea how spoiled our first child is going to be?" I just smiled but he said, "No, really.  She is going to have a little shirt that says 'Princess' and that is exactly how she's going to be treated!"  "Daddy's little girl?" I asked wrapping my arms around him.  "You've got no idea", he said.  If the way he treats me is any indication, I can tell you this child will want for absolutely nothing.  (Am I going to have a brat on my hands or what?)
I guess all this depends on how the current IUI turns out.  One day down, 14 to go.


April said...

Hope the 2WW goes by quickly and you're delighted at the end.

What a keeper! Sounds like the two of you are going to make amazing parents.

b said...

Love that man you've got there - he's a keeper for sure! Hoping for a phenomenal outcome in 2 weeks!

Miss W said...

Keeping my fingers crossed for you throughout this 2ww. As for making a decision on treatments, I think you're doing it the same way that we handled things. A big compromise wherein we both decided a set number of pregnancies in my body (since that is where my problem lies) and then we decided decisions on surrogacy v. adoption would be decided on the basis of relative financial ease of the two.

(And is it bad that out of all of this, the part of this post I will tell Mr. W is how I'm so jealous that you had Steak'n'Shake -- I want their cheese fries!!)