Im in a mood. Not a rage like I expected from Clomid, just a mood. I thought Clomid made people swing wildly from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. I envisioned sitting there minding my own business and then all of a sudden lashing out at my husband or coworker leaving them confused and looking at me as if to say What the Hell is up with Dr. Blue and Mr. Hyde? I have not experienced this and I am grateful. Today however, things that are simply irritations on a normal day are driving me insane! If it wasnt CD6 I would swear it was PMS or depression.
So last Saturday night after returning from the wedding of a friend of mine T and I had a bit of discussion about how I suck as a wife. He has been feeling and that I havent properly appreciated his weight loss. He says he knows I love him, he never questioned that, but he doesnt know if I desire him anymore. He says hes been doing things to specifically get me turned on so that I will initiate sex more. People, I have no libido! I havent had one since college. I usually warm up to the idea once he gets the ball rolling, but he wants ME to roll the ball! I have actually been counting on that sexual peak (is that really a myth?) hitting a bit early since I just turned 30. I need help! He feels like a sperm donor and he said that now that we talked about it if I change my behavior hell know Im just doing it because he said something, so I lose that way too. Im damned if I do and damned if I dont. (Picture Lucy Ricardo screaming out WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
I need to talk to T about this bit of marital crisis we happen to be in but I dont know if it is a good idea while Im feeling like this. I am bound to say something I regret. DAMN! I tell myself I need time to think before I talk to T about this but I just cant seem to come up with a resolution we will both be happy with, at least in the short run. The long run tells me that our relationship is like the stock market and we will get over this low and rebound. He told me I really couldnt win in this situation and I agree, but I hate feeling like this. I feel like I have failed as a wife and if I cant even do this right, how the Hell will I be able to maintain our relationship once we have a baby?
It isnt like we have been fighting since Saturday. On the contrary, I think we are going out of our way to be kind to each other because we know we have both been hurt in this. It is this sickening sense of falseness that bothers me the most. I hurt him and I am so sorry about that. I feel sick thinking about it. I apologized and I cried and I cried and he held me. We are both a bit perplexed about where to go from here.
Now here is the kicker. I will not let TTC ruin our marriage. It has been strained already and we are still in the charting with Clomid stage. FUCK THAT !!!!! I will not lose him for a phantom baby that doesnt even exist yet. I dont think we would break up, I cant imagine a situation that might cause that. When I speak of losing him, I mean losing him the way I lost my parents, emotionally not physically. They were there but I didnt feel loved. Ill be damned if I will have a marriage like that.
This will work itself out in the end but in the meantime, I feel like Im walking on egg shells at home. I feel like my every word and action is being questioned. I just want to cry. I dont even want to go to my massage today, Id rather skip it and just curl up in bed and cry until I sleep. I cant do that though, T will be home and want to know why Im crying and I just dont know if I can explain it all verbally. We didnt have sex last night even though I know he wanted to so now I feel obligated to do it tonight whether I feel like it or not. Like Im not allowed to not want it whenever he gets the idea in his head
which is often.
I am caught between a dick and a hard place!
I just want to feel confident that what I am feeling is me and not the Clomid. I've never had any side effects from the Clomid before (except cysts) so I don't even know if maybe I'm making that up to excuse my mood.