March for Babies

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Pardon me, I'm having a Clomid moment.

I’m in a mood. Not a rage like I expected from Clomid, just a mood. I thought Clomid made people swing wildly from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. I envisioned sitting there minding my own business and then all of a sudden lashing out at my husband or coworker leaving them confused and looking at me as if to say “What the Hell is up with Dr. Blue and Mr. Hyde?” I have not experienced this…and I am grateful. Today however, things that are simply irritations on a normal day are driving me insane! If it wasn’t CD6 I would swear it was PMS…or depression.

So last Saturday night after returning from the wedding of a friend of mine T and I had a bit of discussion about how I suck as a wife. He has been feeling and that I haven’t properly appreciated his weight loss. He says he knows I love him, he never questioned that, but he doesn’t know if I desire him anymore. He says he’s been doing things to specifically get me turned on so that I will initiate sex more. People, I have no libido! I haven’t had one since college. I usually warm up to the idea once he gets the ball rolling, but he wants ME to roll the ball! I have actually been counting on that sexual peak (is that really a myth?) hitting a bit early since I just turned 30. I need help! He feels like a sperm donor and he said that now that we talked about it if I change my behavior he’ll know I’m just doing it because he said something, so I lose that way too. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. (Picture Lucy Ricardo screaming out WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!)

I need to talk to T about this bit of marital crisis we happen to be in but I don’t know if it is a good idea while I’m feeling like this. I am bound to say something I regret. DAMN! I tell myself I need time to think before I talk to T about this but I just can’t seem to come up with a resolution we will both be happy with, at least in the short run. The long run tells me that our relationship is like the stock market and we will get over this low and rebound. He told me I really couldn’t win in this situation and I agree, but I hate feeling like this. I feel like I have failed as a wife and if I can’t even do this right, how the Hell will I be able to maintain our relationship once we have a baby?

It isn’t like we have been fighting since Saturday. On the contrary, I think we are going out of our way to be kind to each other because we know we have both been hurt in this. It is this sickening sense of falseness that bothers me the most. I hurt him and I am so sorry about that. I feel sick thinking about it. I apologized and I cried and I cried and he held me. We are both a bit perplexed about where to go from here.

Now here is the kicker. I will not let TTC ruin our marriage. It has been strained already and we are still in the charting with Clomid stage. FUCK THAT !!!!! I will not lose him for a phantom baby that doesn’t even exist yet. I don’t think we would break up, I can’t imagine a situation that might cause that. When I speak of losing him, I mean losing him the way I lost my parents, emotionally not physically. They were there but I didn’t feel loved. I’ll be damned if I will have a marriage like that.

This will work itself out in the end but in the meantime, I feel like I’m walking on egg shells at home. I feel like my every word and action is being questioned. I just want to cry. I don’t even want to go to my massage today, I’d rather skip it and just curl up in bed and cry until I sleep. I can’t do that though, T will be home and want to know why I’m crying and I just don’t know if I can explain it all verbally. We didn’t have sex last night even though I know he wanted to so now I feel obligated to do it tonight whether I feel like it or not. Like I’m not allowed to not want it whenever he gets the idea in his head…which is often.

I am caught between a dick and a hard place!

I just want to feel confident that what I am feeling is me and not the Clomid. I've never had any side effects from the Clomid before (except cysts) so I don't even know if maybe I'm making that up to excuse my mood.

FUCK !!!!


Jen P said...

Oh blue, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you have to throw ttc into the mix and it's just so hard.

I hope things are ok and you guys get back on the same wavelength shortly.

I understand completely about losing my libido and having a husband accuse me of no longer being attracted to him. It's a hard road to travel because the guilt is immense.

I wish you two the best. Absolutely the best and I hope you can have a peaceful weekend to yourselves.

Internal Spring said...

"caught between a dick and a hard place!"

I love that - I absolutely know what that's like!!