I am sure these are all very natural reactions and I in no way feel like I am the only one to ever go through these emotions but I do want to put them down in words.
I watched my baby cry yesterday. With the tube in her throat she can't make any noise but her face got all squished up and red and she was angry. It was a silent rage. It broke my heart to watch my baby cry and there was nothing I could do about it. I asked the nurse to suction out her mouth and throat because she sucks on the tubes and builds up so much spit she can't deal with it. She was agitated and we just couldn't seem to make her happy.
I hurts to know that the nurses are better at comforting her than I am. I want what is best for her so I will gladly step aside and let them do what they can to calm her down. They can do better than I can but it hurts.
It sucks to pump every 2-3 hours when she can't even get the milk yet. She will get it eventually but for now it is just a constant distraction. If I am pumping I can't be with her. I either have to pump at home which means I am not with her or I have to pump in the lactation room at the NICU which also means I am there but not with her. Argh! So frustrating!
We got our new insurance cards in the mail yesterday. They added our daughter as a dependent only they don't have her name on them. I swear they say ELEPHANT-TRUNKS, BABYGIRL. How fucking assinine is that? She has a name and the hospital knows her name but everything around her is tagged with the babygirl thing. Her name is Azure Elephant Trunks. They just don't get it. I feel like they are not recognizing her as a person. It is insulting.
People keep calling and emailing for updates or to ask how they can help. It is SO sweet and I am very grateful. I really am. However, I do not have the patience for all the phone calls right now. I understand people feel helpless to do anything right now and they want to offer their support. The thing is, I feel helpless too. There is nothing anyone can do.
There are not enough hours in the day. I get up in the morning, pump, do dishes and check email. I get dressed and go to the hospital or run errands. I then have to pump again, try to get something done for the day. Pump again, have lunch, go to the hospital or run errands, pump again. Meet T at home, pump, have dinner and then we go back to the hospital together in the evening. Get home, pump, go to bed. Get up in the morning and do it all over again. Oh wait, tomorrow I am going back to work so it will be pump, hospital, pump, work, pump, work, pump, hospital, home for dinner, pump, hospital, home, pump, bed. This sucks.
I do not feel like a mother. I know that I brought her into this world and I went through birth and everything but the whole thing just seems like a dream. I do not feel maternal.
I wonder if I am visiting her enough. I am there twice a day and if I can't get there in the morning then I call for updates but I feel like I should be doing more. I feel selfish if I put off my visit to the hospital to eat lunch or take a quick nap or take a shower. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. *sigh*
This all being said I need to do the dishes, take a shower and head down to the hospital. Besides, I only have another hour and I will have to pump again.