Reflections and Resolutions

It is New Years. Well, almost.  So, I thought I would reflect on the past year and look ahead to the new one.

 

Let's see.  2005 included Metformin, Clomid, lots of time in the gym and much much much stress over money and my marriage.  My marriage because I became completely obsessed with baby making to the exclusion of all other things and money because our personal finances happened to be one of those things I excluded.  Hence, more stress on the marriage.  Luckily round about April my husband gave me a gentle and loving back hand and I pulled my head out of my own ass and rejoined the rest of the world...sort of.

 

June brought about our first cycle with the Fertility God.  I thought he was right on target with the Letrozole (Femara) and loved actually getting a u/s to check for follies as this had not been done by my GYN while on the Clomid.  We of course failed miserably at the post coital.  It really wasn't good for either of us considering we were both burnt to a crisp after an afternoon at the beach which lead T to believe we weren't really that bad off, it was our lack of enthusiasm that did us in. *eyes rolling*  The failed post coital lead us to our first IUI, which just about drove me into the looney bin.  I was shocked, amazed and astounded at how fast things had changed.  We went in for a u/s expecting to be told to go home and enjoy each other for the next couple days and we would see what came of it.  Instead, we were told to return the next day with the sample and 'round about lunch-time we would do an insemination.  Huh?  My head still spins when I think of it.  I was ready to move on to IUI, just not mid-cycle.  It really through me for a loop.

 

Then there was the siding on the house and the trip to Seattle for my friend's wedding.  In the end I can say the wedding was beautiful, we love the new siding and it was marvelous to take that cycle off.  At the time...there are not enough synonyms of the word stress to describe what the summer (and well into fall) was like for us.  Just not enough.

 

At the end of August we started our next cycle.  Again with the Letrozole/IUI.  Fingers crossed it would work this time.  I took the day of the insemination off hoping the relaxation would give me a bit of an edge rather than rushing to get it done on my lunch hour.  That afternoon T and I went to the beach and played and splashed in the biggest waves we had seen all summer.  We had a blast.  It was really fun. 

 

The two week wait went by really quickly.  I was busy at work and thinking of failure anyway so what was the point in obsessing over the horrendous constipation that had consumed my body (thank you Prometrium my evil evil friend)?  I tested rather perfuctorily on the 15th day post IUI just to get it out of the way, and ...so that I could drink heavily with a clear conscience at the System of a Down concert we would attend that evening.  Low and behold, there were two lines.  My initial reaction was, "What the Hell is that?"  Followed quickly by, "How the Hell did that happen?"

 

The betas came back favorably, the 6 week and 8 week ultrasounds showed blobs growing on target with an itty bitty flashing heartbeat.  Next thing I know I am booted back to the OB/GYN and am scheduling monthy exams with her and not so monthy visits to the endocrinologist to keep my wacky thyroid in check.

 

Head still spinning. Still shocked, amazed, astounded and disbelieving.

 

I now find myself 17 weeks plus 3 days pregnant and looking forward to the end of January.  You see, not only will that bring my birthday which I so dreaded last year (I didn't care so much about turning 30 as I did about having a baby when I was 30. That didn't work out so well.) but we shall also have our big ultrasound in which the blob will look like an actual baby with bones and legs and fingers and a nose and hopefully we will find out what "the kid" will actually be. Light Blue is referred to as "the kid" everywhere else in my life.  My father thinks this is fabulous and insists we should go with Billy or Billie for whichever gender we end up with.

 

Boy or Girl.  So many things hinge on this one 50/50 chance.  First of all, my mother can stop calling it "Whoozit".  Secondly, T and I can start discussing names.  Thirdly, I can finish picking things out for my registry without having everything be yellow and green.  I am not against these colors per se, they just aren't my style.  Also, I found a LOVELY book of knitting patterns called "Daddy's Little Girl" and I would LOVE to be able to make something up and surprise T with it for Father's Day but of course, if we have a boy that might be a bit inappropriate, don't ya think?

 

Moving on...my resolution last year was to get healthy.  I lost about 40 pounds and have had more compliments on my looks this year than I ever have before.  I feel great and I am happier with life in general.  Contented with the way I am now.  My resolution in 2006 is this...I will be a good mother.

 

This scares me a bit because I have no idea what the Hell I am doing when it comes to mothering.  I plan on playing it by ear and not making any preconceived ideas/notions/fantasies or expectations.  One of my favorite sayings is, "If you expect nothing, you will never be disappointed".  This sounds very harsh and cynical but it is OH SO TRUE and can be used for good as well as evil.  I choose to use it for good.  Prepare for everything, expect nothing. 

 

Happy New Year to all of you.  I hope that 2006 brings you everything you have hoped and dreamed for.  I shall raise my glass of sparkling grape juice at midnight and think of all the infertiles, and wish this next year brings manifestation of all of your dreams.

Oh Joy, Oh Bliss

How much better can life get?  I am sitting in my brand new, delivered 5 minutes ago, recliner (Christmas gift from T for the nursery) writing on my now completely wireless laptop.  Ha!  I have a home network, go figure.  Can life get much better?  Well, Ok, in June I shall write you on my wireless laptop from my recliner with a little one resting comfortably asleep in a sling around my neck. How about that?  (Those who know better, please don't burst my bubble yet.  I am still in that denial stage about what life with a baby will really be like.)

 

Merry Christmas to all! And Happy Chanukah Dear Wessel! 

Blue :0)

Eeek! I have been Tagged!

Jen P. tagged me!

5 Things:

1) I have two big book ideas which my friends and family agree would make me a best selling author in no time. One is actually a series of childrens books based on a cartoon version of my dog Maggie. I have gone so far as thinking about getting my incredibly talented cousin to do the artwork but thinking is as far as it has gone so far. The other is a suspense novel based on the “true” story of a love triangle that may or may not actually be happening to some people I know. I get new material all.the.time. because it keeps going on (love, infidelity, lies and at least one death). Trouble with that is…my conscience won’t let me write it. One of the people involved is a friend who has supported me throughout TTC and is absolutely extatic now that I am expecting. It may never be written. Damn integrity gets in the way sometimes.

2) My second major in college was Comparative Religions (Shinto, Buddhism, West African traditions, Native American traditions, along with JudeoChristian traditions, etc.). I think I was searching for faith, something I could actually say I believed in. I did not find it. Basically it started out as one elective class that I loved (Japanese Religions) so I took another one and by the end I had enough credits to forgo the minor and just get the second major. If I wanted to take only 30 more credit hours (a whole ‘nother year) I would have had a second bachelors degree to go with my BS in Psychology.
Note: I am now working at a job that uses neither major and feel I am losing brain cells on a minute by minute basis.

3) I am a huge supporter of Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgendered Rights. Equal rights, not special rights. Gay Marriage, Gay Adoption, Equal Partner Benefits, etc. However, I do not have any family or friends in the GLBT community. How did this come about? It all started in the 8th grade when our school band went to see the symphony play downtown. In the lobby before the performance T and I were killing time around the pay phone but had no money to place a call. I called the first 800 number that popped into my head. It was the AIDS information hotline. I asked them to send me their free information package. It arrived a short time later and I read through it absolutely horrified by the disease. I was heartbroken to learn so many people had become ill and were turned away by their loved ones because of the way they lived their lives. It hurt me and angered me. It was just WRONG! I called back year after year to get updated information and swore that as an adult I would be an AIDS counselor and help those people who didn’t have the help from their families. I may still do that one day once I can go back to school for my Masters in Social Work.

4) I have never been good at telling time on a round faced clock. When I was in 4th grade I was one of those kids pulled out of normal class time to go get special tutoring in math. My problem wasn’t the addition and subtraction. I worked with a damn cardboard clock. To this day people ask me what time it is and I hum and haw a minute while I literally count by fives to figure out what damn time it is (heart pounding the whole time, anxiety level through the roof that I will get it wrong). T gave me the most beautiful gold watch for Christmas a couple years ago. It has an elegant black face with a diamond at the top … and no numbers on it. I hardly ever wear it simply for the anxiety that someone might ask me the time (I tell him I don't want anything to happen to it so I am saving it for "dress up" occasions. I have been known to just hold out my wrist so that people can look themselves.
Note: We have already decided that T will be in charge of teaching our kids math and science skills while I will focus on reading, writing and culture.

5) I think I am anti-social. No seriously. I have three best friends in this world. T is one and I have two girlfriends who unfortunately both live out of state. I have acquaintances with whom I get along quite well and enjoy spending time with, but that happens maybe once or twice a year with each. If I am out and see someone I know in a store, I do not go up and say “Hi”, I duck down another isle so as not to have to talk to the person. I did this once when I saw my own grandmother at the movie theater. Now tell me, is this normal? I am thinking not. If it were not for my job I would never leave the house. No really. If it were not for the dog I would not go outside for days at a time. I think this is why I enjoy the internet so much. It allows me interaction with people but it feels safer. I am not being judged or expected to respond immediately,no one asking me for the time, etc.

Do I have to tag 5 people? I don’t think 5 people read this blog. How about B and April.

Aggravation is...

   when you get home at almost 6pm on Tuesday night to find a message on the machine from your OB's office saying to call them before 5 but don't forget that they are closed on Wednesdays so if you can't call by 5 then to please call on Thursday.

 

I had blood drawn on Monday for the Quad Screening.  Do you think this raised my hackles?  They don't call unless something is wrong, I believe this is normal doctor behavior.  If the bloodwork is good then no news is good news.  Otherwise, they call, right?

 

So, Bitch #1:  They have my work number, they know that I work and have called me at work on many many occasions.  Why would they leave this message at home on a Tuesday so that I can obsess about it for a full day and a half before I can find out what they want?

 

Bitch #2: Why is the office closed on Wednesdays!  This is highly irritating! 

 

Bitch #3: I immediately must begin to think of reasons OTHER than the fact that my Quad test would reveal that T and I should never have biological children and should stop this whole thing right here and now for the sake of humanity at large.  The only thing I can come up with is that the lab somehow screwed up my sample.  Maybe they put it in the wrong vial or it was mixed with the wrong chemical or they didn't get enough or they spilled it or something equally human-error-oriented which has nothing at all to do with me or our baby.

 

Bitch #4: T picks Tuesday night of all nights to make a very insensitive politically incorrect joke about the mentally challenged.  At first I think this is a slam on the mentally challenged at large and then realize he is referring to me.  I then think that when I call the OB on Thursday she will tell us our chances of having a Down's child will be something like 1:2 or some other insane thing that of course you can't really tell from a Quad screen, but who the Hell is thinking clearly at a time like this?!?!?!?!  (In T's defense, it was a funny joke. It was just wrong on so many levels.)

 

Bitch #5: When I called the OB's office this morning to find out what they wanted to tell me I discovered that they sent me for my Quad test two weeks too early.  They want it done at 16 weeks and I had only been 14 weeks 6 days when the blood was drawn.  SO! I get to do it over again, they will send me the lab slip in the mail.

 

LOVELY!

Road Rage on a Monday Morning

So I was a mere 60 seconds from work this morning when this trailer-haulin’-pick-up-drivin’-assh*le decided it would be a good idea to pull out in front of me and make a left turn across two lanes of traffic at much less than the acceptable 55mph speed limit posted in that area. Dumb Ass! Dumb Ass!

 

I slammed on the brakes, which of course in these days of anti-lock "assistance" means you cannot actually stop the car!!! I know, I know, my brakes suck. They have always sucked. I am told the rotors are too small for the size of the vehicle, it is a design flaw, etc. I do require extra braking distance. Which, if I am coming up to a corner or stop light is no problem because I know how to drive my car! I am used to my sub-standard brakes and extra braking distance required. Others however, are not. I could have hit him, in the rear, and would not have had my vehicle under control for the speed, etc. making it my fault. I did nothing wrong.  I had the right of way and was going the posted limit! Grrr.

 

This guy pulled out across two lanes of traffic, s-l-o-w-l-y with me and the van next to me (no dodging to the side on this one, had to stop or hit the guy) barreling down on him at 55mph. I hit the horn twice, the second time not lifting my hand from it, just let ‘er rip and he sort of stared at me like "What is your problem?"

 

Um, my problem is that apparently ever since conception I have a HUGE sign above my car, invisible to me of course, that says "Hey! Over here! Hit the pregnant lady! You probably won’t even get a ticket!" Let us look at this in more detail shall we? I have never in my life been in an actual car accident until October of this year. I have been in minor rear-ending situations where there was no damage and these usually occurred in a parking lot and were not my fault!!!! However, 6 weeks into pregnancy, WHAM! I get T-boned in a place the cops call "Accident Alley", where I have driven on a regular basis with nary a close call for YEARS!  Now, almost 9 weeks later, I narrowly miss smashing into the trailer of an incompetent. If this is a pattern I had better watch myself, or rather, everyone else on the road, come early March or I could have a major problem!

 

I have heard the argument time and time again that people should have to get a license in order to have children. Not only is this completely un-inforcible in my opinion but, using driving comparatively I would say that even those with a valid license (assuming the guy had one) are inherently stupid. There is just no way around it. Someone will ruin it for everyone else, it always happens.

 

How did I react? I raged. My child’s first words will not be fit for young children or those with sensitive dispositions. Amazingly enough, I lost my outrage rather quickly. I thought, "Damn! Crazy A**hole! If only it weren’t dark and he was going the other way I could have gotten his plate number!" What I would actually do with this information is beyond me, but still. Once in the office and informed that the printer was broken I started my workweek and all but forgot the whole thing. Well, except to write this of course. :0)

 

I am now comforting myself with a cup of decaf and a chocolate eclair. Comfort food if ever there was. I believe this is what the gods called Ambrosia and just did not share.

 

So how is your Monday morning going?

14 Week Prenatal Appointment

We waited 45 minutes for our 5 minute appointment.We heard the heartbeat for about 2 seconds before we were interrupted by a knock at the door and that was the end of that. She does not have a digital doppler so we don't have a count. I expect my rented home doppler to arrive tomorrow so I can listen (and count) all I want! T thinks this means I am obsessively pessimistic and expect nothing but doom.  I just want to have some connection with this kid that I cannot feel or see.  Is that so wrong?

My bloodwork from last time (STD/HIV testing) came back clear.  I had my flu shot and will go in Saturday to get blood drawn for the genetic screening tests.  I have my reservations about this since there is a high rate of false positives.  Dr. WaitnSee said they are about 75% accurate.  I can't decide if it would be better to know or not.  I'd rather just not think about it. (By the way, all the decisions about whether or not to do this fell in my lap as I looked to T for his opinion and he made it clear it was up to me.)

Next appointment will be Jan. 12 at which time we will schedule the big ultrasound (around my birthday sometime). SO excited to find out what we are having.  Of course,my favorite question is "Do you know what you're having?" followed by "Yes! It's a baby!" But that could just be my own sick sense of humor.

She gave me the go ahead to go to the indoor firing range as long as we don't stay "all day" or go every day.  She said once in a while for about an hour is just fine, though she can't for the life of her figure out why someone would go shoot at targets.  This means that while my Dad and stopmom are visiting this Christmas we can all go to the range and shoot.  T wants to show me his gun that he just got a couple months ago (his Christmas gift from me last year, he finally picked one out) and my Dad and stepmom have both taken up shooting so we can actually have a family outing with a common interest. Amazing!

She wants me to stay on the Met for a while yet.  Not sure when that will be over.  The exciting thing was I only gained 2 pounds since my last appointment.  Why this is exciting I do not know but both the nurse and the doctor seemed happy to see that.  At least I am not ballooning up just because I can.

I am still waiting to hear back from the Thyroid Guru (he of the open doors) about my last test results.  Could he be any slower?

Sorry I haven't written much lately.  I've mentioned before that I write when things are bad or when I am feeling insecure.  Since I have been feeling good about things, I find myself with not much to say.  I suppose that makes me a whiney bitchy writer which is akin to a starving artist.  One must suffer for her art, or, in order to obtain it in the first place.  I am not going to complain about being pregnant (nothing to complain about other than the lack of Holiday 'Spirits' ) and I can't exactly whine about wanting things to go more quickly so I can actually meet this little person. I am also not going to sing the praises of all things pregnancy and wish babydust upon people.  So, I guess I am stuck in the land of the non-verbal.

No Endo is a Good Endo...

"So how are you feeling?"

 

This is the question I am asked most these days. The answer is, I feel fine. Good actually. It is a bit strange. This is the first time in I don't know how long, I have not felt the effects of Endo. I am one of those people with Stage I Endo, not very bad, but I do feel pain from it, daily, whereas someone with Stage IV might not feel any pain. (Strange duck this disease.) I was first diagnosed after finally confessing to pain so bad I actually had to sit down in the mall while shopping with a friend. That was a full year into the pain at that level and the first time I told anyone about it, ever.

 

So here I am 12 years later and amazingly pregnant, no pain, no sickness, feeling a bit more energetic than I did the first couple of months (possibly due to the increase in my thyroid medication?) and still nothing to show for it. I am not showing yet (though my "skinny" pants are too small and my "fat" pants are too big), I can't feel the baby yet, I have nothing other than the absence of my usual Endo symptoms to tell me things are different. *Shrug* (Oh, and I found out yesterday that Christmas songs on the radio make me cry huge weeping sobs.)

 

You know what? I'll take it.

 

I have a sister-in-law who suffered horrible pain and chronic sickness only to discover last year that the problem was Endo. After hearing me go on and on about how awful I felt and how frightened I was I might never get pregnant she and my BIL started trying right away. She was getting a bit worried when 5 months went by and no double lines showed up, but then, just in time for Christmas last year they announced they were expecting. Not the first grandchild in the family but it would be the first boy! He was born in June. She told me a couple weeks ago that pregnancy gave her the most relief from her Endo. She felt good, she is breast feeding her now 5 month old and has suffered pain and near constant bleeding. The Endo came back right away and with a vengeance.

 

I do not know what to expect after birth. I do not know how long my reprieve will last. I guess I should just enjoy it now, eh? If non-endo is the biggest symptom of pregnancy I shall face, then I think I have won the mother-load jackpot. Fingers crossed that it continues.

 

On another topic... My visit to the endocrinologist yesterday (another endo I don't like), The Thyroid Guru. The man has no bedside manner. They don't even close the door to the exam rooms in this office since you leave all your clothes on and they really don't even want you to sit on the exam table since then they would have to change the paper again. He rarely ever looks up from the chart to actually look at you, the patient. He choked me (squeezed my neck to check the size of the thyroid gland) and had me swallow. Asked if I had experienced any nausea, dizziness or fainting. No to all three. He then started laughing aloud. Actually laughing, not fake. I was a bit surprised and must have looked it. He said I was the first healthy person he had seen all day. I took that to be a good thing. Here is the bad part. The last time I visited him, I must have been a bit behind on my fluid intake for the day since the lab tech could not get any blood out of me. Three pokes later she handed back my slip and told me to try a different lab some other time as clearly I was as dry as the Sahara Desert. This time, in order to avoid a repeat performance, I drank a bottle of Gatorade followed by a full quart of water before my appointment. I sat there in the waiting room; leg bouncing thinking how much this would help me in the end and to just hold on. I sat there in the exam room trying to read Newsweek and failing since all I could think of was "Where is the bathroom and why in the world don't they close the doors in this place?" while trying not to listen in on his other patients' consultations. I thought about how unfair it was that they weighed me with my winter coat on (I did take off my boots) and when I had such a full bladder. I also was afraid my blood pressure might be too high due to the over crowding of fluids in my system but it came in at a nice 116/60. (The nurse assured me that I did not have to push up the sleeve of my sweater but then proceeded to velcro the blood pressure cuff TO my sweater. I have a nice patch on the underside of my arm that is extra fuzzy now. GRRR!)

 

Anywho...I still need to go to the lab to get blood drawn for that. Hopefully I have stabilized and can continue my current dosage and won't have to go back to waste another hour of my life in that office. According to the baby centered website the kid should be producing his/her/its own thyroid by now so it might ease up on me a bit. But then again, you never know with me. I am a freak, remember?

Thanks

I am thankful for my most fabulous wonderful husband who is slowly digesting his turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits in the basement whilst trying to finish his GT-4 endurance race.  We ditched all three families this year (my mom's side, my dad's side and his family) to have our own Thanksgiving, just the two of us.  We went to the gym, went to the store and then commenced to cooking and eating.  Once we become less comatose we shall walk the dog.

 

I am thankful for the dog we are about to walk.  She is a bit high maintenance but she is oh so cute and loving.  She is currently sprawled out on the floor next to me trying to sleep off her turkey nibbles.  I am sure she will wake up when someone actually says W-A-L-K out loud.

 

I am thankful that I am 12 weeks and 2 days into this most un-textbook of pregnancies.  I never understood how people could get so far along without realizing they were pregnant.  I know now that the horribly sore boobs and literally gut-wrenching constipation were both symptoms of the progesterone supps.  I find myself now with NO pregnancy symptoms unless you count the necessity of taking the prenatal vitamin every day.  Very disconcerting.  HOWEVER, as surreal as this all seems, I know that come June when/if this child should actually emerge from my body, I will utter the most unintelligible speech of gratitude ever on the face of the planet.

 

I am thankful that tomorrow is my fifth wedding anniversary.  How did that happen?  I still feel the raw pain I felt when I wanted so badly for T to propose, knowing the ring was right there in the closet and all he had to do was ask me.  I waited for so long and it hurt me so badly, to the core of my being when each and every holiday and birthday or simply a romantic moment would go by without that proposal.  What I realize now is that I wasn't fishing for the big question or the ring, I wanted to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he felt the same way about me that I did about him.  I know now. 

 

I am thankful for so many, many more things but these are the biggest.  These are the ones closest to my heart, in my own life.

 

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.  Thank you to the troops on active duty all over the world, please come home safe and soon.  And, a general good day to those reading in other lands. Thanks for reading.

Coming Out of the Closet

I "came out" at work today.

 

I brought in cookies with pink and blue M&M's in them. (My boss's favorite cookies.)

 

I have gotten many hugs and congratulations.

 

The owner bought lunch for the whole office to celebrate. 

 

They are all quite happy for me as they know this did not come easily.

 

I feel like a big fat liar.  I keep thinking that I am not really pregnant.  That I must have flipped my lid and people are just playing along with me until the men with the white coats show up and haul me away to the loony bin.

 

11 weeks yesterday.

 

When will this start to feel real?

 

I went to a toy/baby store the other day and looked at bottles and pack n plays and strollers.  I walked back out just completely overwhelmed.  I can't convince myself I actually need these things.

 

I have told everyone now.  Everyone has been ecstatically happy for us.  When will I start to be ecstatic myself?  I am happy, oh so happy that this might work out. I don't live in constant dread or bothered by dbts all day.  I just feel like the whole thing is a dream and I will wake up at any minute. I am not depressed or down, just in denial or something.

 

On the moving forward front, I am down to 100mg Prometrium once per day and the constipation is easing off a bit.  Not gone all together quite yet, but getting better.  

Regular OB Appointment #1

Yesterday afternoon we had our first "normal" OB appointment as opposed to those with the Fertility God.  Basically we just answered a whole bunch of family health history questions, she did a brief exam and said to come back in a month. 

 

My first question is, why did they weigh me and THEN ask for the urine sample.  Hello people, the appointment was in the afternoon so you know the weight was not accurate anyway since I had been eating and drinking all day.  Plus, Hello Again, pregnant woman, need to pee ALL THE TIME.  Couldn't we do this in a different order?  ALSO, they made no notes that I could tell that the weight might have been slightly skewed by the...um...not-so-regularity we...OK...I have been experiencing lately as a result of the extra progesterone I am consuming.

 

She did recommend backing off the bananas, eating more apples (I have at least one a day anyway) and pears and salads.  This lead T to spontaneously go to the store last night to buy produce. Must have FIBER!!! I also will add oatmeal into my daily diet and not simply rely on my Total (whole grain) cereal at breakfast, stool softeners, fiber supplements, apple and don't forget the required amount of candy to set off the side effects of the Metformin I am taking which all together might help me eliminate some of that extra weight every two days or so.  Sheesh!  I can't wait to get rid of this extra progesterone.

 

We tried to hear the heartbeat on a doppler device but since I can't ever just be NORMAL my uterus is tipped backwards (always has been) so the baby is farther away from the surface of my skin than normal.  The dopplar couldn't pick up the sound of the fetal heartbeat, it kept getting my own instead.  T squeezed my hand and said, "SHHHH!" but there wasn't much I could do about the volume of my own heart so we will have to wait until our next appointment to hear it.  She said if we were really worried about it we could come back in a couple weeks to try again.  My reaction was, "Yes! OK! Let's do that!"  T thinks I am too pessimistic and we should wait until December 8, our next scheduled appointment.  *sigh*

 

Oddly enough, the weirdest part of the whole thing was having to sign the consent form for HIV testing.  I have never been tested since I have never been in a high risk group or participated in any high risk activities, but, might as well if the insurance will pick up the tab right?  However, you know how you can faithfully 100% know the answer to something until someone asks you the question and then you start questioning yourself?  (It is just like in college when I was doing six months of Lupron shots to ward off the Evil Endo and I had to assure them each time that I wasn't pregnant by having an in office test.  Each time, though I knew I wasn't pregnant I sat there foot tapping biting my nails praying and hoping for a negative. My how things can change in 10 years.)  Nothing like adding a little anxiety into the mix, oh wait, I'm anxious anyway...

 

I am taking today off of work (because I can!!!) and plan on cleaning up the office at home, filing the stuff I have piled on the floor up until now.  This afternoon I will take the Firebird in for new tires and get my blood drawn since the OB doesn't have a lab in the office.  Tomorrow we are off to Chicago for the weekend, then Monday I have another day off.  *HUGE SMILE*

 

To sum up:

(To paraphrase Han Solo on the intercom to the Storm Trooper security center after blasting into the prison cell block where the Princess was being held.)

 

We're all fine here...uh, thank you.  How are you?

Nerves

There's nothing like an afternoon doctor's appointment to bring on the anxiety is there?

I should probably write something...

I have been reading blogs like crazy, just not writing myself.  Let's see what I can come up with.

 

I keep having dreams that the baby is already here.  In every dream I have had a boy, with blond curly hair and he is tall (overly tall, can't fit in my lap to breastfeed) and skinny as all get-out.  I tried to swaddle him in one dream but he was just too damn long.  I think I am having subconscious fears of breastfeeding actually, since I have more than once dreamed that my nipple (always the left one) was stretched out like 4 inches long.  I just look down at it in wonderment while T stares on a bit horrified. 

 

One dream scared the shit out of me.  The dog was pacing around the bed (in real life) and fussing at me to get up.  I kept yelling (OK, demanding sternly)  for her to go lay down as it was the middle of the fucking night.  If she wanted to go downstairs to sleep then just GO already, let me sleep!  I then dreamed that my two year old blond curly haired son was trying to get me up from bed to play.  I screamed at him that it was the middle of the night even though the clock (in my dream) said it was 10am and the sun was out and he wanted to play.  He ran over to the toy chest to pick out a toy and I grabbed him by his ankles and held him upside down until he agreed to let me go back to bed. He never looked scared, just kept smiling at me as if he was right and knew I was wrong.  That made me even more angry.   I woke up feeling sick at how I had reacted in my dream.  I know I was annoyed at the dog, I know I will want those times to sleep in and the child will not let me.  I just hope beyond hope that I never react with that violent anger.  It was so scary just to dream about it. 

 

Last night I dreamed that I told my girlfriends from high school that I was pregnant.  One of them went to the same Fertility God that I saw in order to conceive her first child. She actually recommended that I go see him.   The second came naturally.  She was so upset by my news, like an infertile would have trouble wishing another congratulations while they were still struggling.  I knew she was upset and I tried very hard to be gentle and understanding.  I don't think that she will react this way at all in real life when I do actually tell her, I wonder why I dreamed this. The fact of the matter is, her son is 9 months old and I have yet to see him since the one day she invited me over I had a bad cold and didn't want to get the baby sick.  After that, it was very convenient to be busy. *sigh* I am horrible.

 

None of my dreams so far have dealt with labor or delivery.  This is not a subject that I am particularly worried about.  I suppose it could just be a bit premature to think of these things as I will only be 10 weeks along tomorrow.  L & D might enter my dreams the closer we come to actually having to face these things.  I do know that in the dreams I have had I remember nothing of delivery.  My friend even asked me for the birth story in one and I told her I couldn't remember.  Weird.

 

My theory however is that pregnancy itself does not bring on fatique.  It is the constant dreaming that makes one not rest well which makes her tired during the day. *YAWN*

 

So, the most interesting part (as if any of this has been interesting to anyone but me) of these dreams is that I keep dreaming I have had a boy but T is convinced it will be a girl and he even has me thinking (when awake) that this could be true.  SO, the big question is, who is right?  T or my subconscious?

Dear Asshole...

November 2, 2005

 

[ Owner of Siding Company],

Please find the enclosed payment for the siding job completed on our home this fall. I wanted to take one last opportunity to express the displeasure my husband and I have found in our dealings with your company. We had calls that were not returned, evidence of non-communication throughout your organization and mistakes that caused delays beyond our control.

These delays caused us to go past the cut-off date on the pre-approval of the financing forcing us to call the financing company for approval for the third time since beginning our associations with [Siding Company]. In the time between our second approval and our third, the interest rate rose from 14% to 18%, which means we are now paying even more money for the same job. A job we were told would be done in early August and would only take three or four days to complete. It was not until the last week of October that we considered this job complete to our satisfaction. This should be considered utterly unacceptable by you and by your industry standards.

I thank you [Owner] for taking the time to discuss our grievances and attempt to come to a mutual resolution. However, I must say that even after those conversations we failed to find an improvement in the way [Siding Company] does business. It was pretty much more of the same.

The house looks great. Please do not think that we are unhappy with the craftsmanship. Our issues are strictly with the lack of communication and organization in the office and especially between our sales representative, [Sales Schmuck] with the workers on site and ourselves. It would be my recommendation that in lieu of a commission, [Sales Schmuck]attends a time management/customer service seminar. If he was truly overloaded this summer as you mentioned, then his supervisor, (you?) should have stepped in for the sake of the customers involved.

We shall specifically avoid using your company for our future home improvement needs and will be telling our friends and family to do the same. It is unfortunate in this day of technology and super-communication (email, cell phones, voice mail, etc.) that one cannot rely on good customer service when spending large dollar amounts such as this.

It is also duly noted that while there seemed to be no rush in completing the work on our home, when it came time to collect the bill, we received many more phone calls and requests for us to communicate with you. Makes one think about priorities, doesn’t it?

 

Thank you for your time.

 

 

Blue :-P

Are you tired of hearing about the poop yet?

If you say "Yes" and I find out you read Dooce, then I shall personally call you out as a hypocrite!  Not that it would mean much, but still, your integrity is at stake. Don't take chances with your integrity.

 

So you have heard me complain before about the poop, or rather, lack thereof.  I firmly believe the progesterone is to blame.  I have always had low progesterone so have been on supplements for years, even before TTC, just so that I would have regular cycles. Still, I have never had trouble like this before.  The Prometrium has not been friendly in the elimination area (even before my BFP the Prometrium was backing me up). 

 

T saw me mixing my orange juice the other day with a spoon and, realizing that I was not fixin' an ice cold screwdriver, asked what was up.  Metamucil, my new friend.  Since THREE stool softeners and 1500mg of Metformin were not helping AT ALL I decided to call in reinforcements.  "Time to poop?" he asked.  "I would like it to be," was my reply.  His eyes bulged thinking that I had not yet moved at all since complaining the weekend before.  I had gone some, but, only a little and there was more where that came from which was not so convinced that life was better on the outside. 

 

My belly has been bloated, my pants don't fit and I have gained 8 pounds in these first 9 weeks.  People, If this continues I think I shall birth a 6-pound baby and a 40-pound shit!  This cannot continue.  But, what to do?  I must continue the Prometrium for another two weeks.  I asked about a different progesterone supp. which I have used in the past without this problem.  Nope, must be the Prometrium. *sigh*

 

But then, Ahhh, sweet relief.  For some reason in the last three days I have moved a load off of my mind...and out my ass. (Sorry, I may have crossed a TMI line just then.)  "What," I was thinking, head in hand, elbows on knees staring at the floor in the ladies room "has changed to make this happen?"  I am still on 1500mg Met, 3 stool softeners a day, no Metamucil yet this week, still on the Prometrium.  What gives? 

 

Then it hit me.  Halloween candy!  The SUGAR in the Halloween candy I have been eating in not-so-slight moderation.  I have always heard women on Met say to stick to a low-carb low-sugar diet to avoid the nasty side effects.  I never had those since I was pretty much on a low-carb low-sugar diet to begin with.  I think the Met+Sugar effect just finally caught up with me.

 

So, my new regimen will be 1500mg Met, 3 stool softeners and a Twix or two...or three. :0)  This should be just enough to keep things moving in the right direction. 

 

So the new question is, Gestational Diabetes vs. Not Pooping.  Lessor of two evils?

So What Do You Do...?

... when you are only 8 weeks 6 days along and you aren't going to tell your boss you are pregnant for another 3 weeks but then he tells you that he bought you tickets to the Bon Jovi concert as a bonus/thank you for all of your hard work and you have to somehow tell him that you can't go without making a big deal about it and hopefully not spilling the beans.

 

It makes it doubly hard when you want to badly to go but your doctor has said concerts are a "no, no" and your boss even offered to watch your dog for the night while you are away.

 

Ugh!!!! 

 

I am being tested.  Not sure what for yet, but this has to be a test of some sort. 

 

Do you hear this Light Blue?  Do you see how strong your mother is?  My heart is actually racing! 

Ack!!!

Go give the Ws some love everyone! The lowercase came a bit early but is doing well so far, just like a champ.

Autumn

It is fall in Michigan.  How can I tell?  Not by the bright orange leaves scattering the ground.  Not by the clear cool nights with loads of stars.  Not by the fact that the Detroit Lions lost...again.  No, no.  I can tell because it is back.  The red itchy rashy painful eczema that wraps my torso in a 5 inch wide band all the way around my waist. I was told as a child suffering from this affliction (ALL OVER MY BODY) that I would grow out of it. Yeah, still waiting for that.  *sigh*  Oh, and the burning itchy watery eyes are helpful too.  I am wearing my glasses and still have to squint to read and constantly have to take off the glasses to wipe my leaky eyes with a tissue. 

 

Fall is my favorite time of year, but it isn't very nice to me.

We Are Godless

In more ways than one, but specifically we have been released from the supervision of the Fertility God and are now back in the hands of my GYN who is now my OB. 

 

Light Blue is measuring 18.8mm.  Do you know how small that is?  It boggles the mind, and also brings up the question of why are my pants fitting tighter when the babe is so tiny? Did I mention that T is calling me "Fatty" now? This is a name previously reserved for the dog. Thanks Honey!  Don't make me sit on you!!!!

 

Prometrium for another two weeks.  Metformin for another 8-10 weeks or so.

 

The u/s was much more interesting this time.  There are definite shapes to look at.  The head was clearly discernible from the feet and we saw the umbilical cord running to the placenta.  These pictures will have to last a while as my OB's office doesn't have their own u/s machine.  The GOOD thing is though, that she has her own practice so there will be only one doctor for all the prenatal appointments and she will be the one at delivery.  I like this much better than the idea of a group practice.

 

The FG said when we are ready for #2 (I know, it feels premature to talk about already, but being our last appointment with him, we sort of had to discuss it.) we should call the office and they will set us up with another Letrozole/IUI since that seemed to work well for us.  No trying for a year first, no Clomid, just call the office and schedule the IUI and we'll get the Rx for the drugs. Wham Bam thank you Fertility God. That takes a bit of a load off of my mind.  The bad news is, I cannot breastfeed and take the fertility drugs at the same time.  (Look at me talking like a mother, how strange is that?)

 

Two to four weeks until I see the OB depending on their schedule.

 

In other news, also good is...I GOT MY CAR BACK!!!!!! WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!! Have I ever mentioned I love my car?  Well I do.  Now I just have to fight with the rental car company who seems to think that I owe them $150 when the body shop said they would pick up the tab.  I don't even care, I have my own car so life is good.

Edited to add: I almost forgot, the FG mentioned almost in passing that my problem seemed to be PCOS. The PCOS is something that I have been trying to get diagnosed for years, literally since college. I now know I have the triple threat, Endo + PCOS + Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

 

Pardon me, do you have the time?

Is it 3:30 yet?  I am leaving work at 3:30 to go pick up T at the car dealership where he is getting some work done on his car, then we are going to the Fertility God's office. 

Could time possibly pass any slower, even on a busy work day?

 

The embryo is now a fetus as I am 8 weeks today.  Still feels like a dream.   I do not feel pregnant. (No, I am not asking for morning sickness. I am not yet willing to claim that I have dodged that bullet.) I feel sort of not-myself, but I think it is more mental than physical and I have never been one to trust my own mind.  I have suffered far too many psychosomatic "symptoms" over the years to do that.

 

Is it wrong that every time I get up from my office chair I look back just to make sure it isn't covered in blood?  It just doesn't seem normal. Worry I understand, would even expect, but I am not sitting here on a daily basis biting my nails wondering if Light Blue has stopped growing.  I just keep looking for the blood bath to surprise me out of nowhere.

 

Is it 3:30 yet?

I am so boring, then again maybe not

If, after reading my last post, you guessed take a nap with the dog, followed by doing dishes and then knitting, you win!

 

Saturday I followed up by putting the flannel sheets on the bed, taking another nap and knitting some more.

 

Sunday I slept in until 10:20am (unbelievable!), went to the store with T, made lunch, ate lunch, knit some more, took another nap (the dog is loving this by the way, the more couch time the better), knit some more, had sex, ate dinner and went to bed.

 

Do I know how to live it up on the weekends or what?

 

This wild and crazy lifestyle shall continue this week as I am leaving work early this afternoon to go pick up my car from the body-shop. (Whooo Hoooo!!!!!!) I shall then drive it directly to my uncle's garage so he can give it a good going-over before we trust the repairs were made correctly. So I won't officially have my car back until tomorrow at the earliest, but it is a step in the right direction.

 

Tomorrow we play musical cars as we drop off T's car at the dealer for some warranty work, pick up my car (hopefully) then head to the Fertility God's office for the 8 week scan.  Hopefully all is well there so we can go directly to the gym which is right around the corner.  If things are not well, I shall want to go directly home to bed, do not pass go, do not collect $200 (or the $500 we spent to get this particular cycle this far) but T will most likely still want to go to the gym to blow off the steam of despair.  A slight issue we will deal with if the situation arises and of course we will hope for the best which will make the point null and void.

 

Yesterday I told T that I had read semen has a property in it that softens the cervix and can help move it along toward labor.  He hugged me and said, "Let's go soften your cervix!" I laughed and said, "No, he needs to stay in there a little longer". To which he replied, "It's a girl!"  Now, I am not saying that I think/intuit that Light Blue is a boy but T has his mind made up that Light Blue is a girl.  He wants a girl.  I remember when my BIL and his wife got the results of their ultrasound and we all got the emails with the u/s pictures and the announcement that they would really prefer a boy BUT they are having a girl, damn.  Um, HELL NO will I be disappointed with my child before we even meet!  NO, just NO. (There will be plenty of time for Light Blue to disappoint me as a teenager, this is just too soon.)  So, I am hoping for neither a boy or a girl, however, I am also hoping that T gets what he wants, whether he knows it yet or not.

 

Funny thing, we know that my due date is 6-6-06.  Does anyone see an auspicious, or should I say, inauspicious number in there anywhere?  666 ring a bell?  I have mentioned before that T is rather fond of death metal, speed metal, all things Slayer and otherwise thought of as satanic (Slaytanic to the initiated) even though they are not really. He is LOVING this due date.  If it is ever corrected I think he will fight it. (He is convinced that it was the sex in the hotel room with the porn movie that got me pregnant, not the IUI that followed two days later.)  We have joked extensively that should we have a boy we should name him Damien.  Flipping through channels this weekend he paused on Mtv.  The VJ's name? Damien.  Are we doomed?

Wild and Crazy Friday Night!!!

T is working late tonight.  If we are lucky, he might make it home by 2am.  He went in this morning at 6am.  Poor guy.

 

Here is the thing.  There is a list of things I would like to get done in his absence.

 

1) Do dishes and clean the kitchen until it shines.

 

2) Vacuum main floor area rugs and carpeting in basement.

 

3) Do our budget, or you know, invent one (one of those things I keep meaning to do).

 

4) Take a nap with the dog (I am sure she won't mind).

 

5) Knit!  I want to hurry up and finish the poncho I am working on so I can start making things for Light Blue.  I don't do well with deadlines so I will need until June to get the two items done that I have in mind. (I have a pattern for a baby afghan named "Blue Tranquility".  How perfect is that?!?!?!)

 

6) Watch the DVDs I have had for almost a year and haven't watched yet. (Mary Poppins and Turner and Hooch) (Yes, I have seen both movies, just not since I got the DVDs.)

 

7) Try NOT to think about the 8 week appointment on Tuesday since we will either "graduate" from the Fertility Gods or find something has gone terribly horribly wrong.

 

8) Put the flannel sheets on the bed.

 

9) Write another entry in my This is How We Came to be Your Parents journal.  I am up to the part where I had a car accident.  Light Blue's first trauma!

 

10) Listen to the current audiobook on my ipod. "In the Company of Cheerful Ladies" by Alexander McCall Smith. LOVE his books.  I recently finished "Portuguese Irregular Verbs" and will be giving it to my Step-Dad for Christmas.

 

Any bets on which one(s) actually get done? 

So many issues, so little time.

1) The siding people are now hounding us for payment.  We have the money sitting right there on the desk.  We just don't feel like paying them yet.  Hmm.  That sounds familiar, we would like to but...  I am now psyching myself up to call the owner back and throw it in his face that they continue to prove the lack of communication within their office.  It might actually be fun! :0)

 

2) I had a dream this morning that I was at a country club with Alan Alda.  I cried on his shoulder that I hadn't slept in weeks.  He asked where I needed to go.  I said Christopher Robin's house.  I woke up with Kenny Login's song "Return to Pooh's Corner" going through my head.  I haven't heard it in years!!!  (A Pooh themed nursery is not out of the question, but I hadn't realized how much I had actually been thinking about it.  I like Snoopy too.)  Still, where does Alan Alda fit in?

 

3) I went to the endocrinologist yesterday for a pregnancy/thyroid check up.  He will have to watch me closely.  They have a lab right there in the office so I sat down for the blood draw.  She went in the #1 chosen vein and couldn't get anything.  She wiggled and twisted the needle around and no blood came out.  She pulled out the needle which made a disturbing pshshshshshsh sound, like a freshly popped Tupperware lid!  She tried the other vein in the same arm.  The right has always been the default go-to arm.  I do not understand this recent turn of events regarding my blood (remember my hematoma experience a couple months ago?).  She decided I didn't know what I was talking about when I told her to use the right arm.  She turned her attentions to my inner left elbow.  This third poke produced the same as the first two, no blood and that awful pshshshshshsh sound when she finally gave up and withdrew the needle.  I have officially dried up!  She gave me paperwork to take to a different lab, told me to drink tons of water before I go and they will get copies of the results. *eyes rolling*  Can nothing be simple in life? I used to get my thyroid checked every month! I've never had this problem before.  She told me I have good veins, they just didn't feel like letting go of any blood yesterday, I guess.

 

4) The good news is we got the check from the other people's insurance company yesterday to cover the deductible on fixing my car.  We thought we would have to up front the money and screw around to get it back. Yay!!!!

 

That is enough for now.  I am SO tired.  If only Alan Alda would let me sleep at night.

No Music for the Little One, At Least Not Yet.

This kid, will be exposed to ALL KINDS of music.  I listen to such a wide variety it isn't even funny. T will be sure to explain the finer points of death metal, speed metal, thrash and plain ol' hard rock.  From me the child will learn about 80's hair bands, Broadway show tunes, movie scores (as opposed to soundtracks), a little country and best of all, yoga music!  My mother will teach it/him/her campfire songs from her many summers at camp growing up in the 50's.  My mother-in-law will no doubt try to become the flute teacher she has always wanted to be.  Poor kid.  I took private flute lessons for over 8 years.  There are so many more interesting instruments out there (I played 7 in the high school band).

 

So anyway, why not go to the Black Label Society concert in Chicago in November?  I asked the Fertility God explaining the show would be in a club, not an arena and we really didn't know much about the venue.  He suggested that the excessive noise and probable crowded smokey atmosphere would not be the best environment for me at that still early stage of pregnancy.  I am disappointed not to see this show, but it is a small price to pay if it means having a healthy baby.  We think we might work something out with T's brother.  If they could meet us in Chicago (half way between our two towns of residence) then the two boys could go to the show together while SIL and I hung out with their son who will be 5 months old at that point. Thus both tickets (already purchased) would get used and no one feels left out of anything.  Sounds like a good plan, no?

 

So now, I have a question.  It is both dog and baby related so I expect answers from at least two people (Ahem, Christine and Threebees when you get a chance, no rush).  About this whole, training the dog how to react to the baby thing.  Did you do this?  Is this recommended?  Should I have any reason to think that my overly anxious change-hating dog will not handle the addition of an attention robbing noise making funny smelling tiny person?  I thought that I would have her tested by the local Humane Society to be sure she can handle small children, etc.   We have never seen anything vicious about her, ever, but like I said, she hates change and in her home is different than the neighbor kids out in the yard, right?  She seemed OK with my nephew (the above mentioned infant) a couple weeks ago.  She sniffed him a bit and licked his cheek (he is quite used to dogs as they have two) but she did cock her head sideways and eventually barked at him when he cried.  Your ideas would be most appreciated. Maybe she'll just go on another hunger strike like she did while I was away this weekend. *eyes rolling*

 

And now, the child must have a name here in blogland. After much consideration, I have settled on Light Blue for he/she/it is very much a part of me, only smaller. 

 

7 weeks tomorrow, still not comfortable with this whole thing yet.

6 Week Ultrasound

We saw a single baby 6.7mm long with a beautiful fluttering heartbeat!!!!!!  I go back in two weeks, if everything looks good I will "graduate" into the care of my OB. 

 

He gave us pictures from the u/s which I will take over to show my mother later today.  She is so excited.  She has three grandchildren but they have all been adopted.  Nothing wrong with that at all, but she has never gone through a pregnancy like this before so this is all new and exciting. 

 

The bad news is, the Fertility God says the concert tickets we have for November 12 are a no go.  So, we will still go to Chicago and T will go to the show and I will not. :0(  It is a small price to pay if I can deliver this baby in June.

 

Thank you all for your concern about my car wreck yesterday.  T is beside himself that the other driver did not get a ticket.  My grandmother said she thinks that road tests should be required after a certain age.  She was issued a new license last June and thought there should have been more to it. (I love my grandmother.)  I am waiting to hear back from the body shop as to whether the car is terminal or not.  My poor car. :0(  We are scheduled to have it paid off next June.  The whole not having a car payment when the baby is born was a really good thing.  Now that might not happen.  I have the pitifully scarred and bent center cap from the front driver's side wheel on my desk at work.  I picked it up out of the gutter yesterday.  The P is gone but you can still read ONTIAC and see the distorted insignia. *sniffle*

First of All...

I am OK.  Keep that in mind.  I am FINE.

 

I was in a car accident at lunch today.  My car was T-boned by an elderly couple trying to turn left across three lanes of traffic.  They hit me squarely by their front end, smashed in the grill and bumper of their car but no major damage there.  My car.  Well. My car is another story.  It is up at the body shop getting an estimate.  T thinks they will total it. :0(

 

The couple tried to make it out to the officer that I was speeding and that it was my fault.  The officer said that the limit was 45mph through there and had I actually been going 45 I would not have ended up crooked over the curb with one wheel in the air but rather across the street probably in the telephone pole.  She never asked either of us what happened.  She could tell by the damage on the vehicles and where my car landed that it was not my fault.  The driver of the other car had an invalid license since he had cut the edges off to fit it into his wallet but she let him off the hook for that since it wasn't actually expired.  She stated it was his fault but did not give him a ticket.  (It took a while for the officer to show up.  She apologized and said she would have been there sooner but she noticed two women running after a man through a parking lot.  When the man saw the cop he took of in a different direction.  She nabbed him and it turns out he had just shoplifted something out of a the store where the two women work.)

 

My head hit the window on the driver's side door a couple times. (Yeah, so that's what those side airbags are for.  Maybe I should look into those in my next vehicle.)  My back is sore from the sideways jolt and my knee is a bit sore (maybe that hit the door too, not sure) but I am fine.  I called the doctor and the nurse said unless I have any problems develop they will just give me a good going over in the morning when I have my ultrasound.  She said just to take it easy the rest of the day.  I had planned on going to the gym after work tonight but I think my heartrate has been raised enough for one day.

 

So, I have been taking deep breaths and thinking calm Zen thoughts since I have heard that stress is basically the worst thing for the baby at this point.  Ahhhh.  I was not hurt, it is just a car, they make more everyday. 

 

T came and picked me up and took me home to pick up his mom's car which we had borrowed since we were supposed to take the Firebird in for service tonight.  We cancelled that appointment since we now don't have an extra car.  The body shop said they may have a loaner for me but we will check on that when they call with the estimate. 

 

I am back in the office.  My coworkers have nicknamed me "Crash" and are calling me that every chance they get!  Ya gotta love 'em.

 

Just wanted to let you know and again, I am OK!

Top Heavy

I developed early.  I was one of those poor girls who was getting her bra snapped/unhooked by the boys in the 4th grade.  Not.Fun.  By 6th grade I was wearing the same bra size as my mother, a full B cup.  Thank goodness the other girls finally caught up to me in middle school.

 

I may have mentioned before that undergoing this weight loss over the last year has been detrimental to my boobs.  They lost quite a bit of those 35-40 pounds.  They have been looking flat and wrinkled and in desperate need of a lift of some sort.  However, over the last couple of weeks I have been able to notice a visible difference in them.  They are round and full and though a bit sore, not too bad.  (I will need to get something reinforced for exercising. Duct Tape maybe? The bouncing is just.not.good.)

 

They are gorgeous.

 

T has decided we should take pictures of my now quite voluptuous rack so that we can later show said pictures to a plastic surgeon as an example of what we want the "after" picture to look like.  I have never been one to consider plastic surgery before, but now that I see the potential, I must admit the idea does not repulse me. 

 

I have also noticed over the last week the occasional shooting chest pain.  It is a quick catch-your-breath sort of thing.  The kind that makes you change the position you are sitting in.  At first I thought I was just in an uncomfortable chair, but they have continued in different chairs, different days, etc.  I started thinking maybe the baby implanted in my lung instead of my ute, but I suppose we'll find that out at my scan on Thursday.  "Um, a little higher doc."

 

I am wondering now if those pains are related to the expansion of the chest.  Am I getting a bit top/front heavy? If so, I think the only solution is to wear a backpack which is heavier than my front to pull everything upright again, balance myself out.  What do you think?

Tidbits and Disclaimers

Wow, that sucks. I just typed up this whole post and was in the edit before actually posting stage when my browser closed on its own and I lost the whole thing. I hate when that happens!

 

In short

 

On Multiples. T is convinced we are having twins. Basically a Murphy's Law sort of thing. His boss, knowing about the three mature follicles at the time of insemination has put his vote in for six! He is thinking three sets of identical twins. Yeah, thanks for that. We will find out Thursday morning I guess. (Secretly hoping for twins. Would be overjoyed with a single healthy baby too of course and would certainly not turn away triplets but if we could put in a request, it would be twins.)

 

On Belly Pics. I am not sure how I feel about belly pics. I have been told I will wish later that I had taken them if I do not now. I had not made my mind up about this when I was blinded by a bright light, a flash as it were, while in the shower the other day. T took it upon himself to document the moment, you know, while I was naked, wet and shaving my bits. Um, those will NOT be posted online.

 

On grandmothers. T's mother has made this big deal about how my BIL lives in another state so she never gets to see them and since they had a baby in June she doesn't get to see her grandson, etc. Typical nagging mother of an adult child who wants to get away from the parent stuff. So SIL and Nephew were in town last week and after a bit of nagging went over to visit MIL. Nephew has reflux and is teething so he is not a happy camper a lot. Apparently, as soon as they arrived at MIL's house Nephew began to scream. She got all flustered, said she could not see him like that and threw them out!!! Can I get a WHAT THE FUCK here? She has seen the child all of two times since his birth and he cried (as babies tend to do from time to time) and she kicked them out? Oh My God! I cannot wrap my head around it.

 

On Infertility Blogging vs. Pregnancy Blogging. Yeah. I am not shutting down the blog or changing the blog or moving the blog. My intro says I want two kids. If that happens in one shot (see paragraph 1 above) then great, if not, then I shall stick around until the American Dream is achieved. This blog was created out of selfish reasons and shall continue in the same manner. I do appreciate the readers I have, but darlings, you are the flies on the wall of my innermost thoughts. You shall see what I put out there, which is whatever I happen to be going through at the time. At the moment, that is a very early, very longed for pregnancy. This is as close to a *warning*/pg ment./disclaimer of personal feelings you are going to get for the next 34 weeks. Mmmmkay?

There is more to me than my beta numbers...

let's see:

1. I have to pee like every three minutes.  This is very odd for me, but then again, I have never been pregnant before so I am actually enjoying it a little.  One problem, I think I have mentioned before that my Endo has a love/hate relationship with my bladder.  I feel pain when my bladder is "full" and it gets worse after I empty it.  So, OW!
2. The AF type cramping has stopped and I now only have occasional new and different cramps/twinges.  I am much happier with this arrangement.
3. My head is still stuffy but the PAIN in my sinuses is killing me.  I have determined that it is a head cold due to the fact that T is also sick.  He is not very happy with me for sharing my germs.  As is typical fashion in the House of Blue, I get a moderate case of illness which lingers over a long period of time, T gets an extreme case of same illness which comes and goes fairly quickly.  I am hoping that he will be able to breathe better tonight.  Neither of us slept much last night due to the fact that he couldn't inhale...like, at all.
4. Tender/Tingling nipples.  Hey, this is fun.  Thank goodness for V.Secrets lined bras which provide support and protection for said areas.  The regular sports bras however are just not cutting it on the elliptical machine at the gym.  Ow, ow, ow, ow for about 30 minutes or so.
5. Bloating.  My skinny jeans, which I bought when I lost all this weight and were getting big on me so that I was looking forward to another shopping trip, are now a bit tight after a meal. 
6. I AM TIRED.  This could be a combination of the cold/not sleeping thing.  I had myself convinced it was OK just to veg on the couch on Tuesday night: sick, pregnant, working over-time, etc.  Then I rolled my eyes at myself and got up and did the dishes.  Last night however, T worked late so I vegged the entire evening (after putting the dishes in to soak) and feel so much more rested today even though I still slept like crap last night.
7. I almost choked myself last night (home alone) while taking my Met.  I popped the two pills in my mouth and while chugging the water I looked over the top of the bottle at the TV.  I was watching old re-runs of Mad About You (LOVE that show) and the dog did something funny and I started laughing/chug/choke/laugh/choke/chug/breathe/cough/chug/choke/laugh until I finally was able to start coughing/gasp/cough/gasp and made my way to the bathroom where I was SURE I was going to lose my supper in the gagging process. (Still not pregnancy related, how stupid am I?)  I managed to gain a bit more air with each gasp and finally was able to clear the water out of my lungs.  I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my face was bright red, my eyes were bloodshot and tears were streaming down my face.  That sucked man!  My eyes were still red when T got home a couple hours later.  It took quite a bit of coughing to finally feel like all the water was out of my wind pipe.  Looking back on it, what the dog did wasn't THAT funny, I mean, not enough to kill myself over. Happy to report I am good as new today, however I shall close my eyes whenever swallowing pills in the future.

Let the Speculation Begin!!!!

Beta #3 @ 21dpiui done 72 hours after Beta #2 (675) should quadruple, right?  675*4=2700

 

Mine?  4925

 

Um, how many are in there anyway?

Update? not so much

"what?? no update yet. C'mon woman!!"

 

Thanks for checking in on me Lala!!!  The honest truth is, there is no update. 

 

My OB's office is the one that ordered the third beta (even though they told me the Fertility God's requested it) so the results would have been faxed back to them.  Well, heh, THEY ARE NOT OPEN ON WEDNESDAYS!!!!!!

 

BLOODY HELL!!!!!

 

So, I asked the lab when I was there yesterday to copy the results to the FG's office and I called them quite early this morning explaining that my OB's office is closed but that they should be receiving my results some time today and would someone please call me at work with the number?

 

Here it is, going on 3:30 and no call yet.  Ugh!

 

The good news about today? Officially 5 weeks.  That just sounds so much better than 4 weeks, so much more solid.  I know that it isn't, but who in the hell goes around telling people that they are 4 weeks 2 days along?  Well, other than me, but I am a freak remember?

 

I will let you know as soon as those numbers are in.

Just What the Doctor Ordered?

I have been having some bad thoughts this morning brought about two physical symptoms that seem to have changed. 

 

#1) Up until this morning I have had new and different twinges and short painful cramps in my abdomen.  Nothing like my warm, low AF cramps which last a while.

 

#2) The whole constipation thing.  This morning I have experienced, um, a bit of a reversal in that department.  Things are coming... fast and furious shall we say? (I have taken neither a stool softener or the fiber since last Wednesday. Did the Metformin decide to work now that I am pregnant?)

 

I am thinking these are symptoms of PMS, at least for me.  I have been thinking all morning that this is the end but that I won't know unless I start bleeding or until next week's u/s when we will go in and see a 6 wk u/s showing a 4 wk 5 day embryo.

 

THEN...

 

I got a call from the nurse at my OB/GYN's office this morning. (The Fertility Gods copied my beta #'s to their office as an FYI sort of thing.) She congratulated me then asked me to repeat the beta at 72 hours.  I told her the number she was looking at was the repeat beta.  She said to do it again at 72 hours.  So, that would make it...today.

 

So, now on my lunch hour I get to go get poked again so I will have a 3rd number hopefully somewhere well above 1300 something. And...hopefully they will calm my growing nervousness a bit.

 

I have been enjoying things up to this point.  Up until my physical symptoms started to change.  Sore/tingling boobs, peeing every 3 minutes, stuffy nose (?), and those odd but new and different camps.  People (friends and family I have told**) have congratulated me and I always say, "Thanks!  It is early yet so you never know what could happen, but we are very happy."  I have been in that state of Happy For Now.  This morning, I have been a bit apprehensive.  Sort of a bit Worried For Now.

 

Now...

 

I get to worry about what that 3rd number is going to be until I get the call which, probably won't be until tomorrow at this late point in the day.

 

*Fingers Crossed for a good Beta #3*

 

 

 

** I KNOW it is too early to tell people.  I told only family and friends who have followed us on our TTC journey.  I have always been very open about our infertility and the treatments we have tried.  Those people supported us through all that crap, I wanted them to support us through this too.  If things go bad then I am taking them all down with me, we can all grieve together.

 

2nd Beta

675!!!

A good doubling. I was expecting to hear a number well
into the thousands to make me obsess over having
triplets or something (remember I had 3 mature eggs
when we did the IUI) but this seems completely
reasonable.
We would love to have twins and wouldnt actually mind
triplets but just the not knowing from now until I
could have a u/s would drive me crazy so I am glad
with this nice comfortable sensible number.

4weeks 2days, sounds absolutely rediculous to me!

First u/s scheduled for 10/13.

Thank you all for your kind words. I am nervous and
excited and still dont fully believe this is happening.

Wha?

Sorry to keep you all in suspense but, as these things go, T had to be the first to know, you know?

 

FRED showed a light second line.  I have never seen a second line before so I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.  Sure the old adage was running through my head,  "A line is a line, no matter how light, etc." However, when you are facing that light line on the left you of course wonder to yourself whether it is actually real or not. 

 

I did some quick calculations in my now completely numb brain.  It was past the 14 days they said to wait for the trigger shot to get out of my system.  It was CD29, it should be real. 

 

I told myself not to get excited.  One part of me was jumping up and down and screaming "I'm pregnant! Holy Shit!" while the other part of me was rationally saying, "All this means is that there is enough hcg in my system to trigger a faint positive on a hpt.  Don't go overboard here."

 

I called and requested a beta.  I went to the lab, stomach full of butterflies.  The lab order was not there.  They hadn't gotten the fax from the RE's office yet.  They took my blood anyway, wished me luck and I headed back to work.  They said I should get a call by 5pm letting me know the results.

 

I waited (not so) patiently until 4pm and finally called.  I nicely asserted my NEED TO KNOW!!!!!  I ended up leaving a voice mail for one of the nurses to PLEASE (pretty please with a cherry on top) call me back with my beta results.

 

About 15 minutes later I got the call.  She took a deep breath and then paused.  It may have only been a nano-second but it was long enough for me to think "Oh God, it is negative!" and she said, "It's positive.  Congratulations!"  I made some sort of noise which I can only describe as a combination of a whimper, a sigh of relief, and a non-verbal 'What the fuck?' all in one. (I took the call at my desk in the middle of my office surrounded by co-workers to whom I must keep this secret until at least Thanksgiving if not Christmas.)

 

I am going back Friday morning for a repeat beta. (First was 279, come on baby, double!) I will also schedule a u/s in two weeks.  (Holy Shit! This one will actually be covered by insurance!)

 

So all day my head was spinning. I was looking around at the people in my office thinking about how the world is completely different and they don't even know it!  I was (and still am) completely dumbstruck that the insemination actually worked.  I never thought that I would see two lines.  I mean, I NEVER thought that I would be pregnant.  It has not sunk in yet. 

 

I am questioning and yet enjoying every painful twinge and cramp from my nether regions.  I know this is where the cautious optimism is supposed to be applied.  I know that, really, things could go wrong at any minute now and for the next two to four months given my Endo and Thyroid issues.  Miscarriage is a big concern for me. HUGE! 

 

But...

 

T was very put out by my pessimism in the getting pregnant stage and has asked me to not be such a party pooper now that we have had some good news.  I am very aware.  Please don't think that I am taking anything for granted.  But this might be my only chance to experience this type of joy so even if it makes things more difficult later, I am going to embrace this pregnancy with everything that I have for as long as I have it. 

 

Thank you all for your good wishes and your support.  I am so glad I started blogging.  It is a unique support system that I rely on every day.

 

So, happy for now.  HFN which is my first timer's way of saying NBHHY.

*Fingers Crossed*

Damn FRED!

FRED has once again proven himself as unreliable.  I'm calling this morning about getting a beta.

Wish me luck!

Monday Again

So it is Monday, two days prior to TEST DAY and I am feeling twingy in the lower right abdominal area.  Meaning? *shrug*  Probably pre-cramping, if I had to guess.  Who knows, we will find out Wednesday right?  Sure. If we make it that far.

 

I have been doing some very deep (and somewhat disturbing) thinking lately about living childfree.  Not like a radical childfree person, just a person sans child.  I have been thinking about how since I was 18 I thought that I would adopt if I couldn't have biological children.  Now I am even reconsidering that choice, one that I thought was an automatic decision for me. 

Is this a normal way of processing difficult decisions? 

Is this my way of self-preservation? 

Am I thinking all of these things only to find out that this cycle worked and now that I convince myself to live childfree I could end up pregnant? 

I don't know, I haven't shared these thoughts with anyone until now, T doesn't even know.  I don't even know that I would choose to live childfree, just the thinking about it is new to me and has caught me off guard.  I am wondering where all this has come from. Has my subconscious given up hope?

 

So the poop thing.  *TMI ahead* I manage to do it just about every day with the help of 1500mg of Metformin, and THREE stool softener pills, plus the fiber in my diet (whole grain bread, apples, veggies, etc.)  However, the actual pooping is not so easy.  It is quiet hard and comes out in little chunks which apparently stop up our toilet at home.  T is glad that I am actually moving something through my system so he has not complained too much about having to plunge out the toilet a couple/three times a week.  However, I have started flushing two to three times per session.  Poop a little, flush, poop some more, flush, poop the rest, wipe (not too much paper, you'll clog up the pipes!), flush. This is highly irritating and takes far too much concentration on my part.  I would rather just read my magazine and flush when I am done, you know?  So, I guess my question is, what more can I do?  Is there a specific food or fiber supplement that works for you?  Is there something that I can add to my daily regimen that will help smooth things out a bit so I am not straining and rocking and breathing like I am in labor just to pass a bit the size of a grape?  The other thing is, I don't remember having this much trouble before switching to the prometrium.  I am wondering if it is a progesterone thing as I seem to have the most trouble during the second half of my cycles.  I know pregnant women complain about getting backed up due to iron pills, but I am not taking iron.  Could it be the progesterone?

 

My SIL visited this weekend with her 3 month old son.  He is absolutely adorable.  I got to hold him almost the entire time and fed him his bottle and even when he cried she didn't rush to take him away from me.  She let me sway him and bounce him and bring back that HUGE drooly smile.  What a great visit.  I always wonder though what people think when they see an infertile holding a baby.  Is she afraid I might cry or try to run in another room and lock the door so she can't have him back?  I wonder what T thinks as he watches me holding a baby.  Does he get a warm feeling like that is what it will be like with our children or does he see it as a surreal picture, one he doesn't expect to see in our lives? 

 

I read through all my bloglines today and then refreshed.  When nothing new came up I felt like that ad a few years ago when the guy was clicking away and he got a pop up that said "You have reached the end of the internet. Please turn around."  What is a girl to do but to write a post herself?